Saturday Night Gas Fest

*TMI ALERT* *TMI ALERT* *TMI ALERT*

i like to fart on the first dateWarning: if you are sensitive about TMI, particularly TMI about bodily functions, stop reading now. Proceed at your own risk. And if you are grossed out or offended, too bad, bitches. I warned you.

***

Have you ever been on a date when you were faced with a decision in which none of the options were desirable yet one had to be made quickly? I had just one such date on Saturday.

It was my second date with Tom, the guy who didn’t look like his pictures. I hadn’t exactly been excited about the date, but when he arrived, he was much cuter than I’d remembered. Hooray!

He took me to a fun little Italian joint in Burbank where I ordered a pasta primavera, heavy on the broccoli. He was fun and easy to talk to and the conversation flowed swimmingly.

Afterwards, we were walking around the crowded pedestrian path when… I felt it. Something was a-brewing down in the intestinal regions. It was an air bubble, shimmying its way down my descending colon. Jiminy Crickets, does this really have to be happening now, on a date with a decent man who pays for my dinner and pulls out my chairs?

Being that I had downed a pint of amber lager and am a lightweight, I was feeling pretty saucy. The area was loud and packed with people around us, so I decided to test the waters and let one go.

I figured, if it were of the loud and odorless variety, he wouldn’t hear it above the street musicians and other party people yammering about. And if it were silent and deadly, I could blame it on the obese dude lumbering along in front of us.

I took a deep breath and released the Kraken.

Success! It was loud and odorless, so the fat guy lucked out. And Tom didn’t hear a thing. Unfortunately, there was more where that came from and I knew it.

He asked what I wanted to do next. I frantically pondered my choices:

  1. Ask him to take me home so I could cut the cheese in peace to my heart’s content in my own abode. But I’d be wasting a perfectly good buzz and good hair night.
  2. Go out, but excuse myself to the restroom every time I had to toot. However, I’d be in and out of the john so much he’d think I either suffered from overactive bladder or was a coke fiend.
  3. Go out, but hold it in. I’ve done this all too many times and I always wind up doubled over from piercing gastrointestinal pain.
  4. Go out, but continue in stealth fashion as I had with the test fart.

He threw out a couple suggestions of what we could do. Go to the movies, have a couple drinks in Hollywood? Hollywood! Yes! Anywhere we’d go in Hollywood would be loud and raucous. Let’s do that. Option 4 it is!

And that’s how the night went. We got good and liquored up amid the ear-splitting ambience that is the Frolic Room. I was able to laugh at his jokes and simultaneously let ‘em rip with no one the wiser.

I congratulated myself on my sound decision-making skills. Everybody wins!

Yeah, but, uh, what about the guy?

Many people have inquired about how the date went so I figured I should provide a quick review. Aside from the butt symphony, it was pretty good. As I said, he was cuter than I’d thought and we had a lot of fun together. We swapped some spit at the end and he’s a fine kisser.

However, something is missing. I can’t put my finger on it, but I’m not anticipating his calls or daydreaming about him. Maybe this is healthy. Because the men I go completely gaga for usually turn out to be huge disappointments. A future with this man? I dunno, I’m not thinking about that. A third date, certainly.

***

So that’s that. Have any of you been cursed with flatulence on a date? How did you handle it? Please share. I love a good dating-n-fart story.

Categories: True Story

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45 replies

  1. LOL ! That is one funny story and there is no reason for women to hold there farts in. If they need to do it, then they need to do it. It’s that simple. I really liked they way you wrote the whole story and i laughed when i read “I took a deep breath and released the Kraken”

  2. OMG! So thrilled to have stumbled upon your blog. Love your style of writing.
    I’m so relieved to read this post. I thought I was the only one all this time.
    I am a heavy bean and fibre eater and I can really toot them out!

    I shared a living pad with a colleague for 3 years and was never comfortable doing it in front of her. So everytime we watched a movie or hung out in extreme close proximity, I’d get up to use the restroom
    or just pretend I forgot something in another room. I’m pretty sure she caught on though.

    Now I live alone and I toot all day long like nobody’s business!
    What a relief that I’m not the only one. I really thought there was something drastically
    wrong with my digestion.
    As you wisely say, “Everybody farts.” Amen

  3. Bahhahhhaaaa! Love your writing … love this post! I tend to get gassy a few days before my period, so I can totally relate.

    Years ago, when I was waitressing, I’d let the farts fly as I was walking past tables of customers that I didn’t like. My own personal revenge.

  4. I say FART. If guys can’t wrap their pretty little brains around the fact that girl need to let them rip just like they do, fuck em…but I would never do it.

  5. Because I’ve never been on a real date, no, it has not happened on a date. Altough, it has happened once (probably more times that I now cannot recall) when we were out partying. I was ass drunk, standing around in a club full of people and just letting my tummy do its work as it needed. Sometimes, when the winds were right, I could feel them. I even noticed a guy looking at me funny from having stood behind me, but hey, I was drunk and the night was young!

    I just hope he nor anyone else recognize or identified me as the perpetrator.

  6. Love your blog. This post is off-the-charts funny! You may call me an ass after this story, but it’s funny. This post reminds me of a time when I was out with this girl, she “tried” to pull off what you had done above (operative word is tried), but the thing was the place wasn’t nearly as loud as she had thought nor were her farts as odorless as she had hoped…. Anyways, I let her play it off the entire night, because I know it’s natural and shit happens (no pun intended! Well, maybe a bit).

    As we were saying our goodnights, she leaned in to give me a kiss when one squeaked out, her face turned blood red, and I smiled and jokingly said something to the effect, “just because we’re at the end of the date doesn’t mean you’re allowed to tone it down, let her rip like before!” Needless to say, she was mortified :) haha

      • hey single girl the name is sam nixon all i have to your stoy was that it was funny as hell i laugh very hard and farting is funny to laugh and if i was around you and or say hung out i would not care if you fart around me cause like people say you need to fart dont hold that shit in lol

  7. As hard as it is, this is one of those subjects I like to convince my feeble mind woman don’t ever do. Kudos for having the guts to discuss it.

  8. I went out with this Dude on like date 4 and things were going pretty darn good in my honest opinion. And we went to this show to see his friends band play, and I believe he was doing something similar to your approach. But then the his good luck and timing changed, and I heard his LOUD Ripper. Now I am NOT one to judge, so I didn’t necessarily mind. BUT, I never heard from him again. *sigh*

  9. I am so glad I found your blog! HI-larious, and oh-so-true. I aspire to blog like you, girlfriend. As far as the situation above goes… I get extra gassy when I’m nervous. So, when I’m on a date, and nervous, my tummy’s brewing something fierce. I think I just stop thinking about what is trying to sneak out and pretend nothing is happening and hope it goes away. But MAN how awkward. Funny story though, my friend was dating this guy for 4 weeks. They went out to dinner one night and he crapped himself. He wasn’t feeling well and she totally understood and was “oh man, I’m so sorry, that sucks! no worries” etc.. and he called her 2 days later and broke up with her! He was too mortified! Sad. Hahah!

    • Thank you! If I crapped myself I wouldn’t want to see that person ever again either. Farting is one thing, but shit is a whole other ball of wax. How does that happen? Poor guy.

  10. Too funny… my best farting story.

    I was once seeing a girl who didn’t like to cuddle. (probably 3 months in when this happened) So we’re in bed on opposite sides and she apparently totally forgot that a 6’4″ black man that weighs 245lbs was laying beside her (talk about your elephant in the room)

    SHE LET ONE RIP!! Super audible and it stunk!

    I roll over and say… “Did you just seriously fart? You know I’m here right?”
    She looked at me with the reddest face I have ever seen and said “I forgot you were here!”

    I proceeded to poke fun in the best way possible and then we fell asleep.

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