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To Skirt a Predator

November 22, 2010

Ladies, we’ve all been there. You’re walking home in the dark on the cold, mean streets of [insert your city here] when suddenly, a pervert jumps out of the shadows and starts chasing you.

And let’s face it, it’s unlikely you’ll be able to outrun the attacker in your crazy fuck me pumps that baited him in the first place.

Thank goodness for your trusty anti-rape skirt-cum-vending machine!

Actually, thank the Japanese (natch). That’s right, a visionary Japanese designer has created a skirt that converts into a life-size vending machine that women can hide behind to outwit predators.

Here’s how it works:

Sexy and practical! Sheer brilliance.

I absolutely love this idea. It’s totally something Velma from Scooby Doo would do. And your assailant will more than likely be trailing you by a good, oh, half a mile, so you’ll have plenty of time to make the transformation.

However, there is one catch. After chasing you for blocks, the rapist is bound to be thirsty for a Squirt. So you must be prepared and carry change and an assortment of sodas on your person lest you be shaken and kicked repeatedly when you don’t deliver.

I’ve ordered one for each day of the week. I can’t wait to try it out!

40 Comments leave one →
  1. July 11, 2011 11:56 am

    First they ward off Godzilla, now this? I’m moving to fucking Japan. Screw this America bullshit.

  2. July 11, 2011 11:49 am

    This season’s must have! Where can I get mine?

  3. November 30, 2010 10:14 am

    Denny simply needs a new post. He even got Brian Dunkleman to do a guestie to try and woo you into action.

    Breathlessly yours,
    Den Den

  4. November 27, 2010 7:20 pm

    Damn Vodka and Ground Beef for being so damn witty in her retorts! I think I’m gonna buy one and make the dispenser hole right over my who-hah. After that, I’m not sure what to do. I’m open to suggestions.

    • November 29, 2010 2:18 pm

      That Vodka really is, isn’t she? Do men have a who-hah? What makes you think someone will want to rape you? ;)

  5. Susi Spice permalink
    November 27, 2010 5:59 am

    hhahahhaah too funny… what happens when they try to buy something from u though?? and they dont get their product..theyll start kicking you to try get that soda out..haha…

    • November 29, 2010 2:16 pm

      Ahem, Ms. Spice! Did you not read the penultimate paragraph? Obviously, I’ve already thought of that and proposed a solution. Pay attention! ;)

  6. Amie permalink
    November 25, 2010 3:21 pm

    Sometime sometimes I wear thoughts pumps on purpose so I can be assaulted is that wrong

    • November 29, 2010 2:15 pm

      Hey honey, whatever works for you. Or you could just go to Craig’s List.

      • Amie permalink
        November 29, 2010 8:03 pm

        True but the guys on Craigs list are cheap…I prefer to be assaulted by men from Match.com

      • December 1, 2010 11:54 pm

        Oh, you. Class all the way!

  7. November 25, 2010 1:17 pm

    This is too funny!

  8. Vodka and Ground Beef permalink
    November 25, 2010 12:45 am

    God bless the Asians. They’re so crafty. I trust them with my anti-rape planning.

    • November 29, 2010 2:14 pm

      As you should. If we all did, I’m pretty sure we could put an end to rape once and for all.

  9. November 23, 2010 8:02 pm

    Hot lips…send one C.O.D. to Denny Dance.

    Shipping and handling paid when I visit L.A. in January.

  10. November 23, 2010 5:18 pm

    Ha!

    I would think this would make you more prone to harassment, seeing as the “insert bill” area is right over the left breast…

    • November 24, 2010 12:34 pm

      Ahhhhh… You have found a flaw in the system! I knew it was too good to be true. But then, Japanese women typically have small boobies, so maybe it’s not such a big deal. And I suppose it’s better than full-blown molestation.

  11. November 23, 2010 1:59 pm

    AMAAAAAZING.

    I love how this product relies on the premise that Rapists cannot see shoes.

    • November 24, 2010 12:13 pm

      LOL, exactly! I was thinking Japanese women will have to go around putting shoes under all the legit vending machines around the country, so the rapists will just think it’s normal vending machine attire.

  12. November 23, 2010 7:17 am

    Those Asians just need to chillout on the whole creativity thing. But strangely enough, after reading your post I’m craving a deliciously refreshing Coca-Cola. Go figure.

  13. November 23, 2010 6:43 am

    Well this is the most amazing thing I’ve seen all day. Well done Japan, well done.

    • November 24, 2010 12:11 pm

      They always do it well, don’t they? I’d like to jump in the mind of a Japanese person one day. It’d be the best trip ever.

  14. November 22, 2010 9:50 pm

    This is one fashion I will not be wearing. If my ultimate rape anthems guy doesn’t tag me at least once a month, I won’t know what to do with all the Plan B I got when you needed a rx for it – I rented a dump truck.

  15. November 22, 2010 3:55 pm

    Velma was the BEST! Daphne was annoying…

    • November 23, 2010 12:22 am

      Yes, that Velma was always thinking. I don’t think Daphne would’ve been so clever. She did have good hair, though.

  16. N8i permalink
    November 22, 2010 3:43 pm

    OMG! Haha

  17. November 22, 2010 1:51 pm

    Those crazy Japanese think of everything. First they take the public orgy title and now they have rape preventing vending machine clothing.

    Just better hope that the would be rapist doesn’t look for feet under that machine.

    • November 23, 2010 12:20 am

      I’m still upset about the public orgy win. The U.S. really better get on the stick and do something cool before we are completely shamed and become Canada or something.

      Oops… sorrrrrry ;)

  18. November 22, 2010 1:08 pm

    LOL!! Oh the stupidity of some people!

  19. salsero69 permalink
    November 22, 2010 11:21 am

    I don’t know, wouldn’t want to fuck a girl dressed like that. Might as well be wearing a num’s outfit. And I can still see the “fuck-me pumps”.

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