Eleven Inches

measuring tape
Well, that was interesting.

I’ve just returned from the gas station, where I was verbally raped. It had been a very run-of-the-mill day and I stopped off for gas on my way home from work. I was preparing to pump when a silver Saturn drove up quickly in front of my car. The driver beckoned me to approach him.

I thought he was lost or something, so I walked up to his window.

“What is your ethnicity?” he asked. I’m a mix so I get that a lot.

I told him and he said, “Is there any chance you don’t have a man?”

Ugh.

“Actually, I have a boyfriend,” I said, smiling politely. The easiest, most humane way to decline a guy.

“Is there any chance you’d be with another man?” he asked. Persistent little bugger.

“No, I don’t think that would go over well,” I said, still smiling. And then…

“Is there any chance you’d be with a guy who’s 11 inches and really thick?

Oh! Hee-hee, well, hem, haw, wowie, lemme think, ummmm…

 

NO!!! YOU SICK FUCK!!!

 

First of all, 11 inches sounds like reverse childbirth. Not interested. You belong in a stable, not out in society attempting to penetrate innocent human females with that thing. I wasn’t shopping around for an episiotomy, thank you very much.

Secondly, we are not in the Valley and this is not a scene from Boogie Nights, you freak. Do people actually do this – in broad daylight, with a million people around, at a fucking Chevron station on the west side? And more importantly, does it ever work?

I hardly ever get picked up in public. And when I do it’s by some perv at the pump wielding a ballistic missile between his legs. Allegedly.

In hindsight, I kind of wish I’d asked him to whip it out for a look-see. In the name of scientific curiosity only – the same way one might want to see a two-headed turtle or a vagina with teeth.

Alas, I was tired and at a loss for words so I simply gave him the “talk to the hand” gesture and walked away.

I wish I’d thought of a snarky retort to put him in his place. Since you all have the luxury of time to think of a clever comeback, please share what I shoulda, coulda, woulda said to Mr. Long Dong. Thanks in advance.

68 replies

  1. Claiming his 11 cm is 11 in. Tsk tsk.

    Ah, the frauds and falsehoods perpetrated, just because we never adopeted the metric system….

    (11 cm is about 4 1/2 inches.)

  2. “Is there any chance you’d be with a guy who’s 11 inches and really thick?”
    How about, “I don’t date short-stocky men”?

  3. Life is full of random weirdness.

    I am never quick, clever or witty when strange or obnoxious stuff happens to me, either. Usually, I am so shocked, I just become speechless. Although, hours later, I always come up with a few good zingers I wish I’d delivered in the moment.

    When I was 22, back in 1990, I had this handsome guy come up to me on a dance floor where I was dancing in a circle with my girlfriends. This was in the days before the booty dance and the bump and grind became popular. We were just innocently be-bopping to the music.

    Anyway, he tapped me on the shoulder and motioned for me to follow him off the dance floor, which I did. In that brief moment before he spoke again, I had that tingling in my stomach that happens when chemistry hits. For a few seconds, I was hopeful…and then he said it. Just like that. “Do you want to suck my *bleep*?”

    So, yeah. I can relate to the shock you must’ve felt. The next day, I remember having a long talk with my best friend about why he had singled me out for that oh-so-lacking-in-charm invitation. I felt dirty!

    I have seen enough and been accused of being uptight enough times over the years to know that this blunt approach actually DOES work with some women (and men). One girl I knew back in university who was quite popular with the guys used to do something similar. She’d go up to a guy she fancied and flat out say, “I want to *bleep* you!” Short and to the point, no?

    This same girl invited me out to see a movie one time and brought her fiance along to the show. At the end of the evening they both invited me into their bed! Some people are just like that.

    I passed on the invitation, but the funniest part was that they pulled the same stunt on my best friend a few months later. Schemers…yup, there’s a lot of them out there.

  4. You know, I had an acquaintance once who was similarly endowed. Shane was one of those guys you would imagine to be a pilot in the British Air Force. About 5’10”, handsome, pencil thin moustache, built like a middleweight, zero fat, tough as nails and hung like a horse. I spent more than a few evenings listening to him lament his oversize dick. His wife couldn’t deal with it, he couldn’t find a date who didn’t freak out on seeing it and contrary to male myth no man could have reason to envy him. So I’m going to tell you his solution. He simply asked random strangers if they’d have any interest in his foot long dong and went happily beddy bye with the one in a hundred who said ” sure honey – you’re just what I’ve been waiting for” Turned out that the ladies who actually could and wanted to accommodate him, were having just as much trouble finding him as he was finding them. Of course this was long before Craigslist so who knows? Things may be different today but in a strange way I can actually understand his dilemna. Does that make me an asshole too?

  5. HA….well said in every respect. Blogged over from Wylmaryad’s Blog…nice to meet your thoughts~

    I have to feel a bit of sympathy for these guys as it cannot be that easy to find a partner that can appreciate his over sized manhood~

    I personally…am more of the one stop shopping type myself…meaning that the size of the tool must be versatile.
    In saying that…11 inches is just not my choice of pleasure tool at all. OUCH …is the word on that monster~
    It is amazing where and when these types do take the leap…is it out of desperation or just pure ego? One never knows~

  6. I’ve always wondered if lines like that worked. I know some women like the ‘boldness’ but I can’t imagine that works on most women. My theory has always been that if they try that enough times they’ll eventually get it to stick with someone – law of averages.

  7. The difference between a guy and a gent is that a gent speaks not of his endowment. ;-)

    Oh girl, you had me LOLing at my screen. Thanks for taking the piss outta the evening. x

  8. I’m just having a hoot reading all the comments, lol :)
    But yeah, all I have to say about that is LAME. Obviously he has nothing else banking for him, as he should have tried to be a bit more clever!!

    • Ya know, the last guy I dated had a big one. He thought it made him very special and figured every girl likes a giant cock. These big dick guys, I guess they figure it’s a great thing, so they just put it out there right away (figuratively speaking) with women. But if that’s the best thing about you, then, sadly, it’s not much.

  9. Great post! Thought I’d share my story. I was driving to work with my windows down on a summer’s day when a Mac truck pulled up next to me. The driver leaned over and yelled “Hey! HEY! Why don’t you lick your t*ts and stick ‘em to the windshield?”

    Why don’t I call the cops, dungball?

    • WHAT?? That is insane!

      First, if we could lick our tits, we’d never leave the house.

      Second, why don’t you cut off your nuts and shove ‘em up your bung?

      You shoulda called the cops. And got the license plate # and got his Mac-driving ass fired. What the hell do we do to deserve this crap?

    • Amazing, isn’t it? Someone thinking it’s okay to do this makes me think he has a major screw loose. Or he’s trying to be offensive on purpose, in which case he’s just a tool.

  10. Single Girlie:

    I’m the guy from the car! Why did you leave me?

    If only some other guy had gotten to you before, I would have been the one you tried the “next time, I’ll look” routine on.

    Bob is wrong. While I was having a bad day and should have invested more time in establishing a connection, as if there was much time in that gas station, this kind of bold talk does work in more relaxed venues for a reason and women often reject the “nice guys” who try to play everything super straight and just go for a phone number and get flaked on when they call.

    Women like bold, but not often “gas station bold”. In general, it’s the nice guys who give men a bad name. ;)

    Take for instance the idea of laughing at it. Well, it is actually normal size, not 11 inches, and a confident guy would have no problem with a woman laughing at that because the whole fantasy is getting you to agree to look in the first place. Especially if she’d agree to look for 3 minutes. After she’s looked for even a few seconds (agreeing to have done so beforehand of course), there is a funny change in the mentality of a woman: she won’t have an “I’m not a slut” defense with him anymore which has a huge effect on how she behaves with him again, if there is an again (meaning if she is intellectual enough to want to have a conversation of some sort afterwards and she realizes he’s cool).

    The act of agreeing to look means she’s free from having to play a conservative role (such as waiting three dates) with that man in the future, if there is a friendship of any kind.

    In fact, although I’ve no Masters in Psychology, it appears your entire post is a manifestation of the “I am not a slut” defense, which a man should read not as an anti-male feminist “Shame on men” diatribe (which is what this appears to be on the surface), but rather a “Damn, I wish that guy, or a better looking guy, had been so bold but better at getting past my defense shield and in a more relaxed venue”.

    Seriously, when you’re on a date with the next guy, tell him about this post. If he’s cool, he’ll say “Want to see mine” or move in that direction. If he’s a wimpy, nice guy he’ll say “That kind gives men a bad name”. The latter will be signalling to you that he possibly won’t be making many moves on you himself and, worse, he’s signalling to you that he doesn’t want you to act like a “slut” which means you will be more on your guard with him and both of you will end up having less fun.

  11. Knowing me, I would have laughed at him and just walk back to my car… I tend to laugh off most of the weird/lame attempts at a pick up line that guys try out on me. I dont know who is falling for this stuff, but they need to stop so that guys dont keep thinking of saying stupid stuff like this…seriously!

    • I wonder that myself. Wonder if he uses that all the time and if it ever gets him anywhere. I really wonder. He said something like “My mom said if you want something, you have to ask.” I’m pretty sure mommy didn’t tell him to describe his dick to women in the first few sentences after meeting.

  12. What Bob said. Also, the sad part? Now the next time some perfectly nice guy tries to catch your eye at a gas station, you’ll be less likely to respond.

    My contribution to the suggestions for witty rejoinders:
    (best “girlie” voice) “Awwwww, your length matches your IQ! That’s soooooo cute! *giggle*”

  13. Ok. Not even going to spell it. WHAT THE FUCK?

    Man alive where the fuck did this knuckle dragger come from? You sure he wasn’t partnered up with Barney Rubble??

    You know what you should have begged him to whip it out, then laughed at it. Man guys like this just make my life so much harder. For every couple of decent guys there are a dozen assholes that fuck it up for the rest of us. Yea I work hard and I play hard but fuck man give it a rest, at a gas station? What’s wrong with you homie?

    If you need a couple of big ass Canucks to come down and be your go to guys just give me a shout girl.

    • I don’t either. I really don’t. Guys with big dicks tend to be very proud (if in fact he was telling the truth), but come on. It’s much better if it’s a surprise.

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