Put Your Penis Away
Masturbation is a normal, healthy part of my existence. Most likely yours, too, if you are not a practicing Catholic. Masturbation is fun, relieves stress and costs nothing. Best of all, it can be done in the privacy of your own home.
In fact, the only problem with masturbation arises when you perform the act outside of your own home.
It’s an important detail, actually, because unless you are with your lover or on the Internet, no one wants to see you play with yourself.
Alright, if you’re a man, no one wants to see you play with yourself.
Unfortunately, 25-year-old Kyle Pearce missed that lesson in sex ed and recently whipped it out on a United Airlines flight amid dozens of passengers.
“I heard a noise and looked over and saw his penis,” said a witness. “He ejaculated and got some on the seat.”
This should go without saying, but, GROSS.
Evidently, Mr. Pearce wanted to join the mile high club and not having a partner wasn’t going to stop him.
Perhaps there was no movie on that flight. Perhaps he left his iPod at home. I fully understand the need for in-flight entertainment, but really, is it necessary to inform passengers that taking out your wang on a plane is frowned upon? I suppose we now must add it to the instructional icons that appear above the seat — No Smoking, Fasten Seat Belts, No Penises:
Japanese Jerk Off: A Personal Story
I had a similar experience with an unwelcome penis when I traveled to Kyoto, Japan. I was on a morning bus on a busy street when I peered out the window and saw a car parallel parked with a man sitting in it. All of a sudden, I saw tits – giant, white ones. He was looking at a nudie mag.
I poked my girlfriend and we were enjoying a hearty chuckle until his little yellow dong appeared. After a few tugs, the dong puked all over the hand towel the man had folded neatly upon his lap. If there’s one thing I can say about the Japanese, it’s that they are tidy.
The presence of the towel made one thing crystal clear: this was premeditated masturbation. Which leads me to beg the question: why would he not premeditate his ass into a bathroom? Or have his windows tinted at the very least?
He then pulled out of the space and sped off, and the entire incident lasted no more than 60 seconds. If there’s another thing I can say about the Japanese, it’s that they are efficient.
We were on our way to see the Golden Pavilion, Kyoto Imperial Palace and Todaiji Temple, but nothing we’d see that day would top the morning car jacking.
In Other Penis News…
Fed up with phallic shenanigans, a Catherine Kieu Becker took it upon herself to put away a certain penis once and for all. Reportedly peeved about an “inappropriate relationship,” Crazy Cathy sliced off her husband’s meat with a butcher knife, then tossed it into the garbage disposal. When police arrived, she claimed, “He deserved it.”
Attempts to reattach Mr. Becker’s pecker were unsuccessful. I gather it’s in sub-prime condition after a spin in the grinder with some expired milk and old cabbage.
If any organ donors out there are willing to spare a penis, perhaps it could rise to fame should Mr. Becker follow in the footsteps of the last guy who had his member severed and pursue a lucrative career in porn. I’ll bet he’d be willing to go halvsies on the cash. Any takers?
Remember, children, penis ownership is a privilege and with it comes great responsibility. Don’t abuse the privilege, or you might have it revoked.