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Put Your Penis Away

July 20, 2011

Put your penis away, Kyle.

Masturbation is a normal, healthy part of my existence. Most likely yours, too, if you are not a practicing Catholic. Masturbation is fun, relieves stress and costs nothing. Best of all, it can be done in the privacy of your own home.

In fact, the only problem with masturbation arises when you perform the act outside of your own home.

It’s an important detail, actually, because unless you are with your lover or on the Internet, no one wants to see you play with yourself.

Alright, if you’re a man, no one wants to see you play with yourself.

Unfortunately, 25-year-old Kyle Pearce missed that lesson in sex ed and recently whipped it out on a United Airlines flight amid dozens of passengers.

“I heard a noise and looked over and saw his penis,” said a witness. “He ejaculated and got some on the seat.”

This should go without saying, but, GROSS.

Evidently, Mr. Pearce wanted to join the mile high club and not having a partner wasn’t going to stop him.

Perhaps there was no movie on that flight. Perhaps he left his iPod at home. I fully understand the need for in-flight entertainment, but really, is it necessary to inform passengers that taking out your wang on a plane is frowned upon? I suppose we now must add it to the instructional icons that appear above the seat — No Smoking, Fasten Seat Belts, No Penises:

Japanese Jerk Off:  A Personal Story

I had a similar experience with an unwelcome penis when I traveled to Kyoto, Japan. I was on a morning bus on a busy street when I peered out the window and saw a car parallel parked with a man sitting in it. All of a sudden, I saw tits – giant, white ones. He was looking at a nudie mag.

Put your penis away, Kenji-san.

I poked my girlfriend and we were enjoying a hearty chuckle until his little yellow dong appeared. After a few tugs, the dong puked all over the hand towel the man had folded neatly upon his lap. If there’s one thing I can say about the Japanese, it’s that they are tidy.

The presence of the towel made one thing crystal clear: this was premeditated masturbation. Which leads me to beg the question: why would he not premeditate his ass into a bathroom? Or have his windows tinted at the very least?

He then pulled out of the space and sped off, and the entire incident lasted no more than 60 seconds. If there’s another thing I can say about the Japanese, it’s that they are efficient.

We were on our way to see the Golden Pavilion, Kyoto Imperial Palace and Todaiji Temple, but nothing we’d see that day would top the morning car jacking.

In Other Penis News…

Catherine the Butcher

Fed up with phallic shenanigans, a Catherine Kieu Becker took it upon herself to put away a certain penis once and for all. Reportedly peeved about an “inappropriate relationship,” Crazy Cathy sliced off her husband’s meat with a butcher knife, then tossed it into the garbage disposal. When police arrived, she claimed, “He deserved it.”

Attempts to reattach Mr. Becker’s pecker were unsuccessful. I gather it’s in sub-prime condition after a spin in the grinder with some expired milk and old cabbage.

If any organ donors out there are willing to spare a penis, perhaps it could rise to fame should Mr. Becker follow in the footsteps of the last guy who had his member severed and pursue a lucrative career in porn. I’ll bet he’d be willing to go halvsies on the cash. Any takers?

Remember, children, penis ownership is a privilege and with it comes great responsibility. Don’t abuse the privilege, or you might have it revoked.

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29 Comments leave one →
  1. Sean permalink
    August 24, 2011 6:09 pm

    I question where you got your data from:

    Fed up with phallic shenanigans, a Catherine Kieu Becker took it upon herself to put away a certain penis once and for all. Reportedly peeved about an “inappropriate relationship,”

    Is incorrect and has NO reporting behind it. In fact, if anything, you feminized to soften the reality of what this lady did. According to the news, this lady was upset with her soon-to-be-ex husband as she was being allowed to live in the home until she had a place to stay. What a HORRIBLE man, huh? He let her stay in his own house despite the fact that they were broken up and he should have given her motel money. So in order to get her revenge, which by the way was only for divorcing her as she admitted to NO hanky panky on his part at all.

    So this woman, and I use the term loosely, decided to drug his soup. He excuses himself because he thinks she spiked his food and goes to lay down. He passes out from the drug, she ties him up, and then WAITS for him to wake up and slices his member off. Tosses it int he garbage disposal and then activates the switch. Calls the police and her only rationale…he deserved it.

    When feminists like your follower LAUGH at this and then claim they are somehow better humans for having been born female, it doesn’t seem sexist to you.

    When you women ENJOY the suffering of innocent men because you believe we feel less, think less, are less, you don’t think feminism is to blame because it’s just “true”.

    When you tell yourselves it’s ok to be angry at men because we keep you down for variously accepted myths from the wage gap to the glass ceiling, you think it’s A-Ok because you believe it.

    Well belief isn’t enough to suspend reality and the day of reckoning comes ever closer each and every day. Men are going their own way, feminism has had its effect and marriages are down to less than half what is was pre-1960s. The destruction of marriage, the dehumanization of men in the media is taking off, and you all think it’s a grand joke. Have your laughs, enjoy them while you can. Because one day all this crap is going to rain down on a male you can’t escape hoping for, like a son or a nephew and then you’re going to repent every horrible, dehumanizing thing you ever did to a guy or laughed about…or not.

    And the last part is the scariest of them all, because I for one don’t think you all will EVER be the compassionate ones your nasty little forebears have propagandized about.

    Now, parting thought, if this was a woman who got sliced up, you’d be pissed. If you’re SO much better than men and SO much more in tune with your mothering/nurturing…why the fuck aren’t you pissed and sickened?

    • August 26, 2011 4:10 pm

      First, you are right. I did not perform a thorough investigation of the case. I read a few articles, and those I read DID say she was reportedly upset about an inappropriate relationship. This piece was not meant to be a detailed report about the crime. I’m sorry if this upsets you.

      Second, I never excused, justified or celebrated this woman’s behavior. In fact, I called her crazy. Please read my response to Bhetti below to explain how and why I found the humor in it.

      Clearly, someone needs a cookie. And that someone is me.

  2. August 3, 2011 11:39 am

    A guy on an online dating site recently told to my friend: ” I don’t have one of those six pack pictures or penis pictures the ladies like so much”. Who are those ladies that like penis pictures from strangers, really? Are you out there? The thing is, penises are not pretty to look at in the first place, they’re mostly utilitarian, I just need to know that it’s good size and shape, but I don’t want to look at it.
    Certainly, I don’t want to see a stranger’s penis, either live or on pictures.

    • August 26, 2011 4:12 pm

      Agree. The general rule on penis viewing is, only if I ask. Please don’t assume I want to see it, because most of the time, I don’t.

  3. July 26, 2011 5:01 am

    “an unwelcome penis” Totally snorted my morning coffee to that part – thank you :-)

  4. July 25, 2011 3:17 pm

    I was driving down the freeway once and looked over to my left at the guy in the black 1978 Camero as he zipped past me. He had on black driving gloves and was giving himself a high-speed whacking (and I’m not talking about the car). The most disturbing part was the maniacal grin on his face. Meanwhile the mom driving her minivan in the other lane was not at all amused. Horrified actually.

    • July 25, 2011 5:23 pm

      High speed whacking in a bitchin’ Camero! That’s awesome. Sounds fairly irresponsible, however. Probably more dangerous than driving and texting – driving and ham-slapping. We really should pass a law.

  5. July 25, 2011 7:25 am

    Men and their peni. What if chicks were that way? “OH, look, no one will mind if I just have myself a lil self-sesh! Cuz that *thought* I just had just turned me on so much!”

    Oh… wait. No, that’s just the quickest way to get an audience.

    • July 25, 2011 5:19 pm

      Man, that’s true. If a girl whipped it out, folks would simply applaud and demand an encore.

  6. July 21, 2011 3:57 pm

    Ever since I read this, I just couldn’t think about this the same way.

    How can we treat a topic like this so light-heartedly? I’m not against humour, singlegirlie, but it’s just revealing how our reactions are different between the genders. Penises are literally treated as disposable, and this woman’s behaviour is an example of that social sickness.

    • July 21, 2011 9:14 pm

      Interesting point you raise, Bhetti, and it made me think. The truth is, I grappled a bit with posting this as well, because the reality of the situation really isn’t funny at all. It’s sickening — I don’t care what body part we’re talking about. Someone chopping off an appendage is tragic beyond words. This woman is undergoing a psychiatric examination and I truly hope she gets some help because the damage she did to this poor man is inconceivable.

      That said, I also believe that sometimes you need to find the comedy in a tragedy, and that’s okay. A lot of events that occur in our lives suck, but I try to take the focus off of the suckiness and bring out some humor, because if we only look at the suck, well, that would be unbearably depressing.

      Sometimes humor is going to offend. Comedians and late night talk show hosts know this all too well. Oftentimes they will tell a joke and it is met with jeers of “Too soon!” or groans of disapproval. But comics must take risks, because walking on eggshells trying not to offend anyone just isn’t funny. People have different types of humor and it’s impossible to please everyone, so I guess we all just need to watch (or read) what we like.

      So while I absolutely recognize the gravity of the Becker situation, I also found some comedy in it. Maybe it is because women are not traditionally violent, or maybe it is because it did have to do with a penis, and I find penises funny in general (not disposable, but funny). Maybe I just saw a spark of humor there for whatever reason, and maybe that makes me a little twisted. My sense of humor is sometimes a little warped.

      Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Bhetti. I like it.

      • July 21, 2011 9:20 pm

        I wholeheartedly agree that penises are not disposable. At least mine isn’t.

        But they can be detachable:

        • July 22, 2011 10:24 am

          Hahaha, how convenient – I wish penises were detachable! Maybe that’s what Catherine was going for and had planned to put it back all along…

      • July 25, 2011 7:23 am

        OMG! The Detachable Penis song! Haven’t heard that lil ditty in years! Thanks Den!

  7. July 21, 2011 8:39 am

    Horrific! This actually happened to me on a bus once. I was sitting at the top of a double decker bus in London, and looked to my right, only to be greeted by this man’s penis. I actually felt violated a little bit. Seriously, what goes through these peoples heads when they think “Oh I’ll just whip it out here and give it a go, no one will mind” Nutters!

  8. July 20, 2011 5:59 pm

    Not sure how it’s possible to have a large post about jacking off and/or penises and not see Denny’s name or photo anywhere in it.

    Not judging. Just saying.

    • July 20, 2011 7:24 pm

      By gum, you’re right. Denny is the master masturbater. A gross oversight, my love.

  9. July 20, 2011 12:19 pm

    Holy EWWW BATMAN! That’s just gross!

    • July 20, 2011 5:56 pm

      I’ll say. I loooove penises. Well, some penises. But there is a time and a place.

  10. July 20, 2011 12:01 pm

    WOW. I actually have no words. I guess yay for efficiency and eww for anyone on the same flight as Kyle that day? At least you got a chuckle with that guy who whipped it out and cleaned it right up! :)

    • July 20, 2011 5:55 pm

      Yes, I guess the girl who saw was just 18. Poor thing. Kyle deserves the public shame.

  11. July 20, 2011 10:46 am

    I just adore a good penis poke..ah er, post ;)

  12. July 20, 2011 10:37 am

    All I can think of is the SNL “pepper grinder” skit

Trackbacks

  1. If You’ve Got a Camera and a Penis, Read This | Single Girl Blogging
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