Three Things for You
Summer has officially begun, and so far, I’m liking it. It’s been gorgeous in LA and the last two nights I had two incredible dreams!
The first night I dreamt that I was making out with Joseph Gordon Levitt. It was glorious – until my stupid alarm clock cockblocked me. The second night I dreamt my co-worker’s son got all flustered around me and said I was super hot. He’s, like, 15, so it was sorta creepy — as in, oh my shit will I be the first female contestant on To Catch a Predator? — but sorta flattering at the same time. Anyway, it beats my usual recurring dream of being a frenetic waitress with too many orders who tries desperately to scream but no sound comes out.
So, how many non-sequiturs did you count in the paragraph above? No matter, let’s move on to the three things for you. This week I have a little something for everyone. So pick your poison, or be a glutton and pick all three – it’s okay, they’re all gluten-free.
1. One for Everyone: Put Your Phone Down
I’ve written a spankin’ new post over at Singles Warehouse! In it, I tear into people who use cell phones on dates, talk to myself in my head and pay homage to your grandfather. There’s a video there, too. I didn’t make it, but my friend did. Okay, he’s not really my friend, but he’s from LA. You can see Venice Beach and everything. Go read it!
2. One for the Boys: Fun Buddy
This is my new favorite website. Ever wonder what it looks like when an obese dude gets busy in the wheelbarrow position with a midget? The mystery ends here – these jovial Fun Buddies will demonstrate. Buddies of all shapes and sizes perform 16 different sexual positions – and it’s fracking genius. Don’t break out the Jergens just yet, though, their undies stay on. Come on, I could never visit a real porn site. I’m too afraid I’ll get flooded with e-mails for penile extension cream and hot, horny Russian babes who are waiting to suck me off.
3. One for the Girls: Magic Mike Opens This Weekend
This much anticipated flick about male strippers is sure to be poorly acted, devoid of plot and will most likely make Glitter look like Schindler’s List.
AND I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT! I mean, look!
Pretty effing sweet, hey? I bet you came here searching for maybe one cool thing, and I’ve given you three – something to think about, something to marvel at, and something to drool over. You decide which is which. And with these three things, you are well on your way to a smokin’ hot summer of love, love, love. My pleasure.