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I’m Single Again

July 17, 2012

Me and my home girl Katie – single again.

I have a confession to make: I’m single. Yes, again.

Now, I realize many of you may be furrowing your brow and looking up at the blog title, wondering if you are in the right place and thinking, uh, when was she not single?

Rest assured, you’re not crazy (or maybe you are – but not because of this). If you’re a new-ish reader (say, under a year) you probably didn’t dig back far enough to where I blogged about my relationship with Tom (and I’m terribly offended).

I did write about him in the beginning, but after a while, it just started to feel… wrong. Telling the world every gory detail about your random date with the pit stains and visible earwax is one thing, but writing about your boyfriend is a whole other ball of wax. So for the last year or so, my relationship was off limits.

But if you’re a longtime reader, you know all about Tom. Well, we broke up. Again. It’s been a little while since it happened, but to be honest, we were in a “it’s complicated” phase for a while. I wasn’t sure what was happening so I just kept mum about the whole deal. Truth be told, I was a little embarrassed. I mean, we’d broken up before. And I’ve never been that girl who breaks up and gets back together with the same dude all the time like some kind of confused adolescent. I used to give my friends so much shit for that. Boy, do I feel dumb.

But it’s been a few months now and I’m fairly certain the fat lady has sung. Which reminds me, will Adele be on hiatus now that she’s preggers?

I’ve been handling it well. I mean, breakups suck no matter how you slice it, but I’m not suicidal and I don’t hate him. In fact, we’re friends. Like, actually friends, not just in-theory friends. I won’t be writing about the dirty deets, because some things are just sacred (or better served up cold at an indistinct point in the distant future).

But honestly, I’m good, y’all.

I have not been on any dates since then, and the mere thought of it, as ever, makes me want to projectile vomit out my nose. I am unable to fully express the extent to which I loathe dating. I’d rather marry a wildly famous, closeted gay Scientologist then birth his demon child and call it Suri and put her in hooker-ho shoes while I whore both me and the kid out to the paparazzi in the hopes that my career will take off like Nicole Kidman’s did only to discover that five years later everyone has completely lost respect for me and still knows that I’m a terrible actress.

And I really don’t want to do that.

Nevertheless, in a moment of weakness, I’ve joined a dating site. And you know what this means, don’t you?

More crap date stories! Holla!

28 Comments leave one →
  1. Dana permalink
    September 4, 2012 4:00 pm

    Did you fight about all of the same things the second time around? I had the same situation where my ex and I fought all of the time because we were so different and never saw eye to eye. But we love each other and are still speaking to each other. We both want to try dating again but are scared we will just end up fighting again like we did when we were together.

    • September 4, 2012 4:29 pm

      Yeah, we fought about the same stuff. I think you both probably just need to accept the things that drive each other crazy. That’s hard to do.

      • Dana permalink
        September 4, 2012 5:07 pm

        Thanks for responding. Yeah, I feel I accepted his flaws but he couldn’t stop getting annoyed by little things about me. He was emotionally abusive when we fought and would call me stupid and attack my personality. Right now he’s thinking about if it’s possible for him to stop getting mad at me. I guess I should probably move on, but I love him so much.

  2. July 20, 2012 8:41 am

    sad face, I’m sorry dear! BUT it sounds like you are coping well and DOING well, and that’s what matters. XOXO

    • July 20, 2012 6:45 pm

      Thank you, sweetheart. Yes, I think the prospect of starting over again is actually more depressing than anything. Here we go.

  3. July 19, 2012 7:00 pm

    Boo! Nothing left to do but coug-out! Well… That’s what I would do, in my sick brain…

    • July 20, 2012 6:44 pm

      You know what, girl? I seriously wanted to molest the 16-year-old stock boy in Trader Joe’s last night. I think perhaps exactly what I need is a PYT.

  4. July 18, 2012 11:28 am

    Oh honey. Dudes are a drag these days. You need time for your single self again. Detox for some time, then peek your head and heart out of your egg (Lady Gaga lives in one, remember?) and let the man feast fest begin! And if you need to vent, holla. xo

    • July 18, 2012 6:07 pm

      WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN GAY BF #3??? I’ve missed you!

      And why are dudes such drags? I’d rather have a drag queen, at least they’re FUN!

      • July 19, 2012 12:56 pm

        Been in a cave cuddled by a psychotic caveman who stalked love outta me. Delusion aside, I’ve been around … lonesome contemplation … learning lessons. Deep tish and all, ya know.

        I’ve missed you, too. And i celebrate your recent freedom. Don’t know about you, but I’ve grown more protective of my independence; the thought of relinquishing it oils up my roots. And what’s a guy gonna do that you can’t do alone or pay someone to do? Frankly? As for cuddles, we should get ourselves those giant Japanese pillows that cuddle you all night.

        Careful with drag queens: big dicks trapped in fishnets smell of no roses. At least, they could teach you how to draw a temporary eyebrow lift. :)

        Are you morose post-Tom or what?

      • July 20, 2012 6:42 pm

        No, not morose. Not bad at all, actually.

        Oooh, I imagine the dick-n-ball situation isn’t too pleasant all caught up in fishnets. Those drag queens sure are dedicated.

        I’m OK with the cuddles. I’ve got my teddy bear. I’m more concerned about who’s going to wipe my ass when I’m 80. Then again, men die too. Ah, fark.

        You need to blog!

        • July 24, 2012 5:00 pm

          Correct me if I’m wrong, but the world needs fewer relationships and more love stories. It’s as if people hop into relationships just to display couple pics on Facebook. No one speaks of mad, passionate love anymore. What happened to sleepless nights? Jitters at his sight? Asphyxia at the sound of his voice? Hyperthermia at his touch? You, missy (and the rest of us), need a love story!

        • July 24, 2012 10:46 pm

          You’re goddamn right I need a love story, Wilma! (Sorry, I shortened your name. It’s cute, right? :)) I am beginning to question if that stuff actually exists in the real, this-is-not-a-romcom world. Does it? Please, Universe, send me a sign! Hit me, baby, one more time!

      • revolution4love permalink
        July 25, 2012 11:38 am

        We gotta start manifesting, darlen! Clear description of him in our heads and all. But, you must detox from Tom first. Or else, it’ll be classic rebound case. We don’t want that. Or do we? ;)

  5. July 18, 2012 9:57 am

    Welcome to single-hood. I’ll be over to pick you up around 10:00pm.

  6. July 18, 2012 9:13 am


    Breakups are a bummer, dude. Glad you’re hanging in – but can’t wait for the stories to ensue… I’m just that kind of selfish selfish bastard random-anonymous-internet friend.

    • July 18, 2012 6:05 pm

      Gah! I’m sorry Nikki! We will always be RAIFFs! I was being a fartknocker. xoxoxox

  7. July 17, 2012 2:16 pm

    Well at lease we can’t call you a poser for not owning up to your moniker now, eh?

    Seriously, hope everything’s as okay as you sound. Being single’s a scary thought to me for reasons you mentioned and the simple one that I HATE uncertainty. I guess that’s why I’ve always been a relationship guy and where I’m happiest. If you enjoy it, all the more power to you. Live it up!

    • July 17, 2012 5:26 pm

      Thanks, darling. I’m OK being single. I would like to be in a relationship, though. But it has to be with the right person. I don’t like being in a relationship just to be in a relationship.

  8. July 17, 2012 12:41 pm

    Sorry to hear about you and Tom. But, I’m glad to hear you’re managing to remain friends and you’re dealing okay. Breakups suck. Dating again sucks more.

  9. July 17, 2012 11:00 am

    My condolences on you and Tom. I kinda had a feeling that it want going last. Ooh well. Good luck love!

    • July 17, 2012 5:24 pm

      Ah, geez. Well, we really did try at least. I do love the bastard. Just can’t live with him.

  10. July 17, 2012 10:57 am

    Oh it must be something in the Gulfstream…or something. Your post kind of mirrors mine – although yours is way funnier…and with less angst = better. Chin up darling…it will all be ok in the end…and if its not ok, its not the end :) xx

    • July 17, 2012 5:23 pm

      You too, eh? I’m trying to let go of angst. Angst never did me any favors. We’ll be just fine, girl.

  11. July 17, 2012 10:56 am

    Girl, I always say me and “Single” are like best friends and I ALWAYS return to her again and again. My friends think I’m commitphobic and they may be right but I am searching and searching and as cliche as it sounds I KNOW I will know what I want when I find him…shit, it might even be a her. :)

    And don’t believe the crap about not returning to an ex. Every body’s case is different and sometimes folks need a 2nd or third time to get it right. Or to get that kick in the ass they so deserve. Right now I consider myself single-in-a-relationship. Confusing, huh? Long story but I’m young, crazy and not in a rush. LOL.

    • July 17, 2012 5:22 pm

      Single-in-a-relationship. Actually, I know EXACTLY what that means. I was the same way. But now, I’d say I’m single. I’m okay with it. Good point about everyone’s case being different. So very true.

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