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WTF is Victoria Beckham’s Problem?

September 12, 2012

Can we take a moment to discuss a bizarre Hollywood phenomenon that baffles me only slightly less than the idea that Snooki is in a stable relationship and I’m not?

Today I’d like to address Victoria Beckham’s ever-persevering scowl, and what could she possibly be so ragingly pissed off about? I’m honestly beginning to think she is trying to hide the fact that she has absolutely no teeth, because this woman has not smiled since “Wannabe” was a hit.

Take a look:

She should have called herself “Petulant Spice.” Even Scary Spice is afraid.

Why so angry, Posh? Did your maid just serve you a shit pie?

If anyone has reason to be content — if not ecstatically happy — it’s Victoria Beckham. Here are just three reasons why:

  1. First, she became rich and famous by being one-fifth of one of the most talentless and collectively unattractive girl bands in history, the Spice Girls. Is arsenic a spice? Can we please season these birds with it? I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I want you to shut the fuck up and go back to slinging bangers and mash at Ye Olde Cock ‘n Gutter Rat.
  2. Secondly, this lucky cunt is married to David Beckham. DAVID BECKHAM — the most beautiful, magnificent, glorious creature to ever grace planet Earth. Next to David Beckham, even Brad Pitt feels like Jonah Hill. If I had the incredible fortune to wake up next to David Beckham every morning, I’d emerge from the bed each day singing Judy Garland songs followed by the most enthusiastic rendition of Gangnam Style you’ve ever witnessed.
  3. Lastly, she is the mother of four small children, yet weighs less than any one of them. Most women would undergo Chinese foot binding to fit into her pencil skirt. Wait a second — ding, ding, ding!  I may have uncovered the secret behind her persistent foul mood. The bitch hasn’t eaten since the 90s. Damn, it was so obvious.

Still, even the poor, emaciated, Ebola-stricken kids in the Congo can manage to eke out a grin when Sally Struthers hands them a packet of freeze-dried corn. If the three things above can’t make Miss Vic happy, clearly nothing can. Shall we just euthanize the woman and put her out of her misery?

If you aren’t happy with your life, Victoria, I’ll gladly trade you mine. You try sitting behind a desk in a windowless chamber all day then hop on Plenty of Fish and meet up with middle-aged balding dudes who think doling out back-handed compliments is the key to your cooter. When I make a sour puss face, at least I’ve got cause.

Allow me to break it down for you:

Thankless job + dating life sponsored by Zoloft = Scowl

Undeservedly rich & famous + fucking David Beckham = Grin like Ryan Lochte with a gold medal and a new set of grillz

So come on, Vicky. Take a long, hard look at your over-privileged, ridiculously blessed life and give us a little smirk, will you? Because if you think about it, things could be a lot worse. You could be Geri Haliwell.

66 Comments leave one →
  1. July 5, 2013 5:34 pm

    We had to wait a while but it happened!!! Victoria smiled!!! David had to be the one to sneak the photo onto twitter but heyyyy…it happened!

    http://www.hellomagazine.com/celebrities/2013062413172/victoria-beckham-smiles-photograph/

    • July 8, 2013 4:51 pm

      Sorry for the delay in responding. After clicking your link I fainted and have just regained consciousness.

  2. May 6, 2013 4:17 am

    I mean, when you invest practically every day
    of your life concealing your real self from the world, you truly
    start to feel adversely about yourself and your future.

  3. Laurie permalink
    November 29, 2012 6:15 pm

    I read an interview with Victoria B. wherein she said she hates her smile, especially in photos, so she chooses to not smile. I think she needs to get over it and just go big in the opposite direction. People always look best when they smile. She’s too self-critical and uptight–she needs to let loose!

  4. November 29, 2012 10:38 am

    saw her pre-posh photos…it seemed her smile never reached her eyes :-(

  5. November 27, 2012 6:54 am

    LOL, that’s hilarious and entertaining. A smile would never hurt, you are right!

  6. November 20, 2012 3:06 pm

    I couldn’t have said it better myself. This was on point and HILARIOUS!

  7. November 11, 2012 9:35 am

    Seems like she convinced herself long ago that “the scowl” was her best look.

  8. Anya permalink
    November 10, 2012 10:10 am

    I never really cared about her but yes, I did think she was lame being so stuck up all the time. Now your post made me check her interviews on youtube and I was really surprised. Watch this one for example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zqe6wGF58cM I think she is just really cute, natural and funny. I like her way more than a bunch of other stars that usually try to come across as super funny, smart and special, but watching them you just wish they would be themselves. Well, I don’t know if I managed to explain my perception :-). English is not my first language.

  9. October 10, 2012 3:29 pm

    So much WIN in this blog post. I love it!

  10. dash permalink
    October 6, 2012 10:05 pm

    that was so freakin funny holy shit! lmao great stuff :)

  11. October 3, 2012 5:38 pm

    http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/victoria-beckham-8217-modeling-pictures-not-posh-203700266.html — thought you might be interested in this haha!

    • October 3, 2012 10:30 pm

      I saw these! I was shocked to learn that she actually used to smile… and eat!

  12. eli permalink
    September 30, 2012 8:07 am

    I think I read somewhere that she doesn’t smile because she thinks it makes her look fatter in the face? I think she is too skinny, especially with implants, you don’t wanna have too little body fat. She looks amazing considering she has 4 kids though!

    Although I think Brad Pitt is way hotter than David beckhem.

    • September 30, 2012 10:33 am

      Oh, well she wouldn’t want to look like a fat face, now would she? Especially considering that she already looks like such a hippopotamus as it is…

  13. September 30, 2012 8:02 am

    Thank you for this! I saw an interview w/her once on Ellen & she said she doesn’t work out b/c she can’t wrap her brain around what she would wear (i.e.: ditching her ass tight pencil skirt & 7 inch heels for tennis shoes) …wtf?

  14. September 25, 2012 8:35 am

    LOVE, love, love everything about this post and I laughed all the way through it. I’ve also often wondered what’s up with her constant scowl.

  15. September 24, 2012 3:18 am

    whahaha, so true…but it’s a fact that David is a very sad man to be with a woman like her…so maybe they’re perfect for eachother… :-)

    • September 24, 2012 11:42 pm

      You know, I could never figure out what he sees in her. Maybe she gives a great BJ…

      • September 25, 2012 2:09 am

        hahaha…probably ;-) I think he’s hilarious when he starts talking..his funny voice blows all the hotness away ;-) hihi

  16. September 21, 2012 4:11 am

    Absolutely loved this post. The thing Victoria Beckham needs is a Happy Meal and a hug from Santa. That will do it, I reckon.

    “Next to David Beckham, even Brad Pitt feels like Jonah Hill” – so hilarious!

  17. September 20, 2012 12:52 pm

    “…baffles me only slightly less than the idea that Snooki is in a stable relationship and I’m not?”
    still laughing about this! hilarious.

  18. September 19, 2012 8:08 pm

    So*

  19. September 19, 2012 8:07 pm

    This is great, it’s do true these women don’t even know what they have. They have these amazing guys while women in the real world are stuck with creepers from POF

  20. September 19, 2012 4:46 pm

    Reblogged this on MY RIGHT TO BITCH and commented:
    This is off-the-charts funny — had to reblog it!

  21. September 19, 2012 4:45 pm

    This is fucking hilarious! Off-the-charts wit!

  22. September 19, 2012 11:02 am

    Hahahaha!! Perfect! Well being hungry 24/7 and having to fit into clothes a 4 year old would struggle to fit into would make anyone seriously pissed off. Not sure if I would be thrilled with David B… OK he does looks hot but have you heard him talk…squeeeek. Ah well.

    • September 20, 2012 2:55 pm

      Really? No, haven’t heard him speak. Maybe it’s better that way. No need to ruin the fantasy. (Although I am a sucker for an English accent!)

  23. September 17, 2012 1:46 pm

    Your post on V.B. Is fantastic! I admire your sense of humour ,tremendously! I love you, bye!

  24. September 17, 2012 7:20 am

    The David Beckham magic would last throughout the day into the wee hours of the night every one like his style.

  25. September 15, 2012 12:50 am

    I think I read somewhere that she thinks she photos photographs better that way.

    • September 17, 2012 11:59 pm

      I believe that. A couple people sent me photos of her smiling, and it’s not good.

  26. September 14, 2012 4:15 pm

    This is absolutely hilarious! I’m from the UK and absolutely LOVE your blogs-they just cheer me right up!! Super talented! :) x

    • September 14, 2012 4:20 pm

      Thanks a million old bird (trying out my English English)! Made my day :)

  27. September 13, 2012 11:38 am

    Wait a second! I’m a middle-aged balding dude and at the MABD Club (yes there IS such a thing…they teach us that backhanded compliments ARE the key to your cooter! Was I misinformed?

    • September 13, 2012 11:43 pm

      Yes, dear. Could you please let the president of the MABD club know? Your last keynote speaker obviously didn’t know what he was talking about. ;)

  28. September 13, 2012 5:55 am

    Personally, I think the scowl had something to do with her Spice Girls persona – and she just never figured out that it was time to let that go. Even though, really, if you’re going to name yourself “Posh” you’d think you’d learn how to walk in heels. Has she figured that out yet?

    Although, to be fair, didn’t the Spice Girls get back together for the Olympics or something? Because that makes sense.

    • September 13, 2012 11:42 pm

      That pic of them all on the right was taken at the Olympics. It’s hysterical.

      I imagine it’s difficult for her to walk because any light breeze nearly knocks her over. She’s just trying desperately to stay on the ground.

  29. September 13, 2012 3:53 am

    That was hilarious. Although maybe she DOES wake up and sings Judy Garland songs followed by Gangnam madness. That would possibly be pretty tiring combined with all the kids, so she’s just worn out by the time she gets to a camera?

    • September 13, 2012 11:39 pm

      No! The David Beckham magic would last throughout the day into the wee hours of the night!

  30. September 12, 2012 4:21 pm

    It’s embarrassing how much time I’ve spent trying to figure out what tortures poor Victoria. I really think she’s just super, duper hungry.

    • September 12, 2012 10:42 pm

      She must be, right? She’s so skinny if she swallowed a chick pea we’d see the outline of it on her stomach.

  31. September 12, 2012 1:08 pm

    I loved every single thing about this post. And, sadly, I love Victoria Beckham too.

    • September 12, 2012 10:41 pm

      Thanks, dear. I like your name. And I don’t really hate Victoria. I just wish she’d perk up.

  32. September 12, 2012 12:02 pm

    This is hilarious!! I had also read the article posted above @addai007 where she explained why she never smiles. But David B is definitely one the BEST reasons to smile. She’s trippin! Good stuff lol

    • September 12, 2012 10:40 pm

      I mean, how could you NOT smile with DB at your side? It’s like she won the lottery when it comes to men.

  33. September 12, 2012 12:01 pm

    I love you. Totally. This needs to be an open letter to Mrs B – may she never have anything to TRUELY scowl about.

  34. September 12, 2012 11:43 am

    Tell me about it. I think she is very pretty and it’s like she’s trying toooo hard to perpetuate this image that she’s too good to crack a smile. She did an interview for Glamour and had this to say as to why she’s always scowling “Do you know, I don’t know?! I actually used to smile a lot in pictures. I think I only stopped smiling when I got into fashion. [Laughs.] Fashion stole my smile! I’ve created this person. And I’m not saying that’s not me, but I wouldn’t say that’s the whole me…. It’s an armor that goes up.”

    http://www.glamour.com/entertainment/blogs/obsessed/2012/08/why-victoria-beckham-glamours.html#ixzz26HZO3Nwp

    Still kinda a silly excuse to me but I have a feeling behind closed doors she’s pretty normal. I hope!

    • September 12, 2012 10:04 pm

      I read that too! But come on, “Gee, I don’t know why I don’t smile”? I don’t buy it. I think she knows. I think she thinks she looks heinous when she smiles, but that would be too vain a thing to say. I could be wrong. She could in fact be a very merry soul. Nahhhh.

  35. Mocha permalink
    September 12, 2012 11:27 am

    Bwhaaaa!! You’re hilarious and I toally agree!

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