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A Tell-All Interview with Myself About My Most Recent Date

October 18, 2012

Pretend I’m Jennifer Aniston and Chelsea Handler is me.

I had a date a few weeks ago. Actually, two dates. One guy. It took me so long to write about it because I couldn’t find anything interesting to say. They weren’t bad, they weren’t great, and nothing weird or remarkable happened. He didn’t have B.O. He didn’t scream at the waiter. He didn’t rub his nipples while singing “Shoo, Fly, Don’t Bother Me.” It was just pretty standard.

So instead of writing a whole date recap with paragraphs and stuff, I’ll just do a quick-n-dirty Q & A type thing. With myself.

What was his name?

Honestly, I don’t remember. That’s how memorable it was. Although it’s entirely possible I’m suffering from stage one dementia.

What color was he?

White. Like Mitt Romney.

Did he have hair?

Yes. Not as much as Mitt Romney. But I do recall hair.

Where did you go?

First date, drinks; second date, dinner.

Did you kiss him?

On the second date, I did.

And was he a good kisser?

Actually, he was a very good kisser.

So what was the problem?

I dunno. There was just no spark. No zha-zha-zhu. No breaking into song in the middle of the parking garage. No urge to text him in the middle of the night asking him to sire eight babies with me so we could be just like Jon and Kate before the Ed Hardy shirts. So obviously, it just wasn’t going to work out.

Did you see his penis?

No.

How about the balls?

Um, no. If I saw the balls, don’t you think I would’ve seen the penis and vice versa?

Not necessarily. Not if you were standing behind him and he bent over and it was cold.

Right. Well, that didn’t happen.

Okay. No dick or balls. How about his furry spider?

Huh?

His asshole.

No, I did not see his asshole. In fact, his pants stayed on the entire time so there was no way I could’ve seen any of his man parts, got it?

You could have if they were invisible pants. Or made of Saran Wrap.

Now you’re just being silly.

Well, it sounds pretty boring.

I know! That’s why we’re doing this whole dog and pony show instead of writing a normal post!

So then what?

I e-mailed him and told him I got back together with my ex.

Pussy.

I know.

You know, you probably should’ve given him another shot.

Yeah, maybe, but it’s too late now so quit riding me, motherfucker. Besides, he responded saying he already met someone else and they were getting along great.

What a dick!

Right?!?

So you got anyone else lined up?

No, I think I’m going to refrain from dating for a while and look into adopting a rabbit.

Why a rabbit? Why not a cat, like a normal person?

Duh! Because I don’t want to be a crazy cat lady. (Although it’s a shame, because I actually do adore cats. They’re so funny.)

So you’re going to be a crazy rabbit lady?

No, dum dum. There is no such thing as a crazy rabbit lady.

There’s about to be.

Go fuck yourself.

Alright, let’s go.

What? Oh, I get it.

What about all that round poop?

Hey, I’m no fecalpheliac, sicko. Oh, you mean the rabbits? I’m fascinated by it! How does it come out in such perfectly round little balls?

Rabbits chew a lot, you know. What if it chewed off your lips while you were asleep?

[Pause.] Well… I suppose that would be a risk.

So… this Q&A thing wasn’t really all that quick.

[Looks back at above dialog.] Whoops, I suppose it wasn’t. But it was kinda dirty, thanks to our dick/balls/spider exchange. Thanks for that.

Any time.

49 Comments leave one →
  1. FireMyst permalink
    September 6, 2013 4:52 am

    Anyone else had fun with dating women and the dating games women play?

    Here’s a fun blog which chronicles the dating games women play:
    http://blogs.davelozinski.com/datingandrelationships/dating-women-and-the-dating-games-women-play

  2. April 9, 2013 8:50 am

    Awesome. I think from now on I will be interviewing myself about my own life a lot more.

  3. April 9, 2013 3:21 am

    Hahaha! You are just out of this world, you rabbit lady. Hilarious :D

  4. January 25, 2013 11:37 am

    Haha, love this! ‘Did you see his penis’ sounds like one of the first questions I get asked after a date! Love your blog and you inspired ours… would be flattered if you checked it out! Keep it up, and most importantly DON’T GET A BOYFRIEND!
    http://www.wearetheundateables.blogspot.co.uk/
    xxx

    • January 26, 2013 11:53 am

      Excellent! Congrats on the blog. Read a bit, looks great and good luck on the challenge!

  5. January 22, 2013 2:40 pm

    Ohh sweet Jesus your blog is hilarious. So glad I found it.

  6. December 25, 2012 8:37 am

    Not even sure how i stumbled upon this blog….But fucking excellent….I couldn’t stop laughing…Going to have to bookmark this one…Excellent Job!!!… Furry Spider…..ahahahahaha!!!

    • December 26, 2012 6:59 pm

      Thank you! An ex-boyfriend actually called it a furry spider. Absolutely loved it. Not the actual furry spider, just the name for it.

  7. December 3, 2012 6:10 pm

    1. “Furry Spider” is now my superhero alter-ego

    B. Sticking the balls out through the zipper hole is a greeting in some places (Mostly frat houses)

    Tres. Don’t get a rabbit, they’re poop eaters. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od0RWahhaSw

    • December 4, 2012 10:25 pm

      1. Hey there, Furry Spider!
      B. Boys are weird.
      Tres. That video was fascinating.

  8. November 29, 2012 1:59 pm

    Love reading about your dating adventures! I’d love to set you up with a really great man. Check out my website and email me: matchbyjulia.com I’m a Traditional and Personalized Matchmaker in LA and OC area, none of that online dating nonsense, all in person :) So, give me a jingle :) I’m also on Twitter and Facebook :)

    • December 4, 2012 10:20 pm

      Not to sound cynical, but I have to ask… How many blogs did you copy and paste the above onto?

      • December 5, 2012 9:22 am

        Actually, only YOUR blog! Like I said, I’ve been reading your blog and laughing but at the same time feeling like I could probably help you find a great guy, and wanted to offer my services to you. But, sounds like you are enjoying being single…….

        • December 26, 2012 7:06 pm

          Thanks and sorry for the delay in responding. I feel special! I’m not looking for matchmaking services at this time, but will certainly give you a jingle if that changes. Thanks, love!

  9. November 17, 2012 1:51 am

    The unfortunate thing is that we are all rooting (sic) for you NOT to find that perfect man….If you did this hilarious blog would become obsolete!!!

    Remo (www.themeffect.com)

  10. November 12, 2012 6:47 pm

    Oh my god, this was so raunchy. Why don’t you raunch it up a little more, eh, raunch queen? Keep the balls talk in the locker room. In conclusion, this is a pretty good blog.

    • November 13, 2012 5:36 pm

      I’m always slightly surprised when people call me raunchy. I kinda just think I’m saying what most people think but don’t talk about in public. I say let’s talk about it. (Or am I wrong? Do most people actually NOT think about this stuff and I’m just a total sick and twisted fuck? I guess I don’t mind either way.)

      • November 14, 2012 7:26 am

        I always believe that no topic should be taboo. We can have an intelligent exchange on any subject under the sun. But I think most people don’t talk about everything they think about. I mean, if I said what I was thinking right now you would be horribly aroused or offended.

  11. November 9, 2012 7:43 am

    “He didn’t rub his nipples while singing “Shoo, Fly, Don’t Bother Me.”” So wait a minute here, are you saying that girls don’t like this? Should I stop doing this?

  12. November 3, 2012 5:26 pm

    Hi, I’m a new reader :) I’ve spent last 4 hours reading your posts and I’m still reading. They’re fantastic !!

  13. November 2, 2012 5:23 pm

    I stick by my statement….. you are damn funny!! Continue writing and make us laugh!!!

  14. Elisa permalink
    October 22, 2012 2:29 pm

    Very funny :) So you have a no sex on the first or second date principle?
    I actually myself is having some pretty dull dates: guys, where’s your creativity????

    • November 5, 2012 2:08 pm

      It’s not necessarily a rule, per se, but yeah, I generally don’t sleep with someone on the first or second date. I wouldn’t have slept with this guy regardless. Just wasn’t that into him.

  15. October 21, 2012 9:25 pm

    I am laughing so hard right now! And THANKS, now I have visions of Mitt Romney that require mind bleach! Gross!!!! -Your date Q&A sounds a lot like my dialogue with myself after a date. I’m considering the nunnery.

    • November 5, 2012 2:06 pm

      Nunneries continue to sounds like a more attractive option to me all the time. Except all that praying. That would suck.

  16. October 19, 2012 6:57 am

    Thanks for reminding me why I’m happy to not be single. :)

  17. October 19, 2012 6:31 am

    LOL! You’re too funny!!

  18. October 19, 2012 2:07 am

    If the first person that comes to mind to compare this guy to is consistently Mitt Romney, then I think calling off further dates was an excellent plan. But having that comparison followed by pondering his furry spider made me shudder.

    • October 19, 2012 10:20 am

      Oh man, were you envisioning Mitt’s furry spider? Sorry. That’s not right. He didn’t actually look like Mitt Romney at all. He was just white like him.

  19. Ron Wolf permalink
    October 18, 2012 3:57 pm

    Regardless of the rest of your schtick, which is a fun & insight-providing mess of brilliant & clueless, you’re a highly entertaining writer. Fun piece, lookin’ forward to more…

  20. October 18, 2012 2:17 pm

    Classic single girl! It’s been almost 4 years since I’ve been on a date. Not missing it at all.

    The”also rans” come in both sexes, takers feelers, and non pleasers.

    Good luck!

    • October 19, 2012 10:17 am

      Four years, eh? Lucky. What are “also rans”??

      • October 25, 2012 4:10 pm

        Also ran’s are people that you had maybe one date with, more than likely though just a half of one then got the hell out of Dodge City.

  21. October 18, 2012 12:32 pm

    Slow clap…that was awesome.

    • October 19, 2012 10:17 am

      Yessssssssssss. I got a slow clap! I’ve always wanted a slow clap. Unless we mean slow gonorrhea. In that case I’d rather it be quick and painless.

  22. October 18, 2012 12:18 pm

    Absolutely creased at this!! MINT!! x

    • October 19, 2012 10:15 am

      I’m not entirely sure what you just said… bit of a foreign language methinks. But I’m fairly certain mint is good, so I’ll just say thank you!

      • October 19, 2012 10:35 am

        lol…yes sorry It’s Geordie lingo! I’m from a little place called ‘Newcastle’ in the UK…”Mint” means…”Brilliant or wicked” and “creased” means “laughing my ass off”…or something like that! :)

  23. October 18, 2012 11:21 am

    Haha! Very creative!

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