A Tell-All Interview with Myself About My Most Recent Date

Pretend I’m Jennifer Aniston and Chelsea Handler is me.

I had a date a few weeks ago. Actually, two dates. One guy. It took me so long to write about it because I couldn’t find anything interesting to say. They weren’t bad, they weren’t great, and nothing weird or remarkable happened. He didn’t have B.O. He didn’t scream at the waiter. He didn’t rub his nipples while singing “Shoo, Fly, Don’t Bother Me.” It was just pretty standard.

So instead of writing a whole date recap with paragraphs and stuff, I’ll just do a quick-n-dirty Q & A type thing. With myself.

What was his name?

Honestly, I don’t remember. That’s how memorable it was. Although it’s entirely possible I’m suffering from stage one dementia.

What color was he?

White. Like Mitt Romney.

Did he have hair?

Yes. Not as much as Mitt Romney. But I do recall hair.

Where did you go?

First date, drinks; second date, dinner.

Did you kiss him?

On the second date, I did.

And was he a good kisser?

Actually, he was a very good kisser.

So what was the problem?

I dunno. There was just no spark. No zha-zha-zhu. No breaking into song in the middle of the parking garage. No urge to text him in the middle of the night asking him to sire eight babies with me so we could be just like Jon and Kate before the Ed Hardy shirts. So obviously, it just wasn’t going to work out.

Did you see his penis?

No.

How about the balls?

Um, no. If I saw the balls, don’t you think I would’ve seen the penis and vice versa?

Not necessarily. Not if you were standing behind him and he bent over and it was cold.

Right. Well, that didn’t happen.

Okay. No dick or balls. How about his furry spider?

Huh?

His asshole.

No, I did not see his asshole. In fact, his pants stayed on the entire time so there was no way I could’ve seen any of his man parts, got it?

You could have if they were invisible pants. Or made of Saran Wrap.

Now you’re just being silly.

Well, it sounds pretty boring.

I know! That’s why we’re doing this whole dog and pony show instead of writing a normal post!

So then what?

I e-mailed him and told him I got back together with my ex.

Pussy.

I know.

You know, you probably should’ve given him another shot.

Yeah, maybe, but it’s too late now so quit riding me, motherfucker. Besides, he responded saying he already met someone else and they were getting along great.

What a dick!

Right?!?

So you got anyone else lined up?

No, I think I’m going to refrain from dating for a while and look into adopting a rabbit.

Why a rabbit? Why not a cat, like a normal person?

Duh! Because I don’t want to be a crazy cat lady. (Although it’s a shame, because I actually do adore cats. They’re so funny.)

So you’re going to be a crazy rabbit lady?

No, dum dum. There is no such thing as a crazy rabbit lady.

There’s about to be.

Go fuck yourself.

Alright, let’s go.

What? Oh, I get it.

What about all that round poop?

Hey, I’m no fecalpheliac, sicko. Oh, you mean the rabbits? I’m fascinated by it! How does it come out in such perfectly round little balls?

Rabbits chew a lot, you know. What if it chewed off your lips while you were asleep?

[Pause.] Well… I suppose that would be a risk.

So… this Q&A thing wasn’t really all that quick.

[Looks back at above dialog.] Whoops, I suppose it wasn’t. But it was kinda dirty, thanks to our dick/balls/spider exchange. Thanks for that.

Any time.

50 replies

  1. Not even sure how i stumbled upon this blog….But fucking excellent….I couldn’t stop laughing…Going to have to bookmark this one…Excellent Job!!!… Furry Spider…..ahahahahaha!!!

  2. Love reading about your dating adventures! I’d love to set you up with a really great man. Check out my website and email me: matchbyjulia.com I’m a Traditional and Personalized Matchmaker in LA and OC area, none of that online dating nonsense, all in person :) So, give me a jingle :) I’m also on Twitter and Facebook :)

      • Actually, only YOUR blog! Like I said, I’ve been reading your blog and laughing but at the same time feeling like I could probably help you find a great guy, and wanted to offer my services to you. But, sounds like you are enjoying being single…….

        • Thanks and sorry for the delay in responding. I feel special! I’m not looking for matchmaking services at this time, but will certainly give you a jingle if that changes. Thanks, love!

  3. The unfortunate thing is that we are all rooting (sic) for you NOT to find that perfect man….If you did this hilarious blog would become obsolete!!!

    Remo (www.themeffect.com)

  4. Oh my god, this was so raunchy. Why don’t you raunch it up a little more, eh, raunch queen? Keep the balls talk in the locker room. In conclusion, this is a pretty good blog.

    • I’m always slightly surprised when people call me raunchy. I kinda just think I’m saying what most people think but don’t talk about in public. I say let’s talk about it. (Or am I wrong? Do most people actually NOT think about this stuff and I’m just a total sick and twisted fuck? I guess I don’t mind either way.)

      • I always believe that no topic should be taboo. We can have an intelligent exchange on any subject under the sun. But I think most people don’t talk about everything they think about. I mean, if I said what I was thinking right now you would be horribly aroused or offended.

  5. “He didn’t rub his nipples while singing “Shoo, Fly, Don’t Bother Me.”” So wait a minute here, are you saying that girls don’t like this? Should I stop doing this?

  6. Very funny :) So you have a no sex on the first or second date principle?
    I actually myself is having some pretty dull dates: guys, where’s your creativity????

    • It’s not necessarily a rule, per se, but yeah, I generally don’t sleep with someone on the first or second date. I wouldn’t have slept with this guy regardless. Just wasn’t that into him.

  7. I am laughing so hard right now! And THANKS, now I have visions of Mitt Romney that require mind bleach! Gross!!!! -Your date Q&A sounds a lot like my dialogue with myself after a date. I’m considering the nunnery.

  8. If the first person that comes to mind to compare this guy to is consistently Mitt Romney, then I think calling off further dates was an excellent plan. But having that comparison followed by pondering his furry spider made me shudder.

  9. Regardless of the rest of your schtick, which is a fun & insight-providing mess of brilliant & clueless, you’re a highly entertaining writer. Fun piece, lookin’ forward to more…

  10. Classic single girl! It’s been almost 4 years since I’ve been on a date. Not missing it at all.

    The”also rans” come in both sexes, takers feelers, and non pleasers.

    Good luck!

      • lol…yes sorry It’s Geordie lingo! I’m from a little place called ‘Newcastle’ in the UK…”Mint” means…”Brilliant or wicked” and “creased” means “laughing my ass off”…or something like that! :)

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