After a substantial dating hiatus, I’ve recently re-entered the vile, reprehensible, obviously-created-by-the-devil world of online dating. After being away for so long, I somehow forgot that not long ago I proclaimed I would rather have my face ripped off by a chimp than participate in online dating again. But clearly, the early onset of Alzheimer’s has led me to believe that it could in fact be a fruitful endeavor.
It’s a never-ending cycle of shit, really. And it has dawned on me that surely I am not the only one who repeatedly torments herself in this manner. Allow me to walk you through the six stages of the online dating cycle.
Stage 1: Optimism
During Stage 1, you are giddy at the possibilities. You log in and marvel at the million-man smorgasbord at your fingertips. You craft a Pulitzer-worthy profile and upload six sexy – yet tasteful – photos. After browsing the buffet thoroughly, you narrow your selection and send messages to three seemingly attractive, sensitive, witty, intelligent, moob-free specimens. The following day, you log back in and are delighted to find you’ve received 51 messages! Oh my goodness, plenty of fish indeed! However will I choose just one?!
Stage 2: Mild chagrin
After sifting through your e-mails you try to come to grips with the sad reality that of these messages, 16 were octogenarians, 14 led to profiles that were no longer active and 21 were nothing but dick pics. None of the men you contacted responded. WTF?!
You reevaluate your profile and decide it needs some tweaking. You upload a cleavage-filled selfie and add snowboarding, camping and volleyball to your hobbies because, I mean, you’ve been meaning to try them. You dip into your “B” list and send messages five more guys.
Stage 3: Disillusion
After a month you finally give someone a try and go on a date with Tech Dork Timmy who forgot his wallet and derided you for thinking Big Data was a band. In the next few weeks, you try to remain hopeful and go out on three more dates with Halitosis Hank, Ear Hair Earl and Rapey Ralph. You leave each of them indignant that you missed that evening’s Seinfeld re-run.
After revising your profile for the fourth time and going out on 13 more first-and-last dates, your options have now been reduced to Widower Willy and Crossdresser Kris. You meet them both and learn that Kris only wanted full access to your wardrobe and Willy began sobbing uncontrollably into his Bud Light during your second date at Chili’s.
Stage 4: Bitter disgust
Sick and tired, you rewrite your profile one last time. You change your screen name to PenisBiter666. Under Activities/Hobbies you include “poking voodoo dolls of ex-boyfriends,” “taking dumps with the door open,” “Xtreme nagging” and “eating kittens for breakfast.” At first glance, this appears to be an attempt at reverse psychology but in reality is an accurate depiction of your current state of mind.
Check inbox and receive 12 more dick pics.
You immediately call your doctor beseeching the maximum allowable dosage of Zoloft, invest in a top-of-the-line vibrator and swear off online dating FOREVER.
Stage 5: Refractory period
Now that your date prospects are nil and there are clearly no decent men in the greater Los Angeles metro area (or wherever you are), you stop shaving your pits, watch HGTV every night and engage in some of the most meaningful conversations of your life with your new vibrator, whom you have named Justin Timberlake. Your sofa is covered with Dorito droppings and you only wash your hair on special occasions, except there are no special occasions. For the first time in months you feel, in fact, free! That is, until…
Stage 6: Bored/Lonely/Horny
Six months pass. You can recite every episode of Cupcake Wars verbatim. You yearn longingly for a warm penis and someone to replace the chain in the toilet tank.
Just to break the monotony, you log into OKCupid. It doesn’t hurt to look, right? Right off the bat, you find three very worthy specimens who actually seem kinda perfect! Damn, if only these guys were online before!
It’ll be different this time around, you think. You’ll think positive this time. I mean, it’s really just a numbers game. One of those guys honestly could be Mr. Right. You really didn’t give it a chance if you think about it.
And suddenly, you find yourself back at Stage 1.
Repeat cycle… With maybe 10% less optimism.
LA peeps! Want to watch a funny ass show about online dating? Check out Undateable at the Second City Hollywood – totally true accounts of what ensued when 38 fake profiles of weirdos were created on OKCupid. Through Dec. 13. You WILL laugh.