Vacation season is finally here, and that means this girlie is outta here starting next week, suckas. Sadly, it also means you won’t see a whole lotta me around these parts for a couple weeks.
I’m traveling abroad with my one and only gay bf, and to him vacation time is synonymous with time to get super laid. Wise soul that he is, my gay bf has offered these sage tips for holiday humping. Follow at your own risk.
1. Vacation sex doesn’t count.
My gay bf has been in a relationship for several years, but he reasons that vacation sex doesn’t count. When I asked if vacation herpes counts, he didn’t seem to understand the question.
2. Leave sex to God.
When making ethical decisions, my gay bf often turns to the Universe. Says he: “If I put an ad on Craigslist and no one answers, it wasn’t meant to be. But if someone answers, that’s God saying he wants me to have sex.” Kumbaya, my lord.
3. Screw in a sauna.
My gay bf is very considerate of me and says he would never kick me out of our room so he can get his groove on. He says he’d much rather bang someone in a bath house anyway, so that others can watch. Always thinking of others, that one.
4. Always ask how much time he’s got.
My gay bf learned this lesson the hard way on his last trip to Las Vegas. He was getting it on with a stud he met online who was staying in the same hotel. About five minutes into foreplay, the stud says, “I have to come right now.” When gay bf asked why, the stud said, “Because my wife is going to get out of the shower any minute.” That dude’s got balls the size of the Caribbean and a wife in severe denial.
5. Go for the happy ending.
When I told my gay bf I was planning on getting a massage during our trip, he thought I meant I wanted to get my rocks off. He said he didn’t understand the point of a massage without a happy ending, because if some guy were rubbing on his naked body he would certainly become aroused. When I suggested a female therapist, he made a face like he’d eaten a piece of bad fish.
It has just dawned on me that perhaps I should not be taking advice from my gay bf. Nevertheless, I do plan to unplug from alla this and have a fucking-A good time.
A couple teasers for you: shortly after my return you will see a spankin’ new blog design AND… I will be interviewing the hot, hot male dancers of La Bare – a hot, hot Magic Mike-like documentary directed by the hot, hot Joe Manganiello. So stay tuned, children. Girlie’s out!
These tips were originally posted here in 2010. But I spruced it up with gifs and stuff.