I was nervous about my third date with Fred. The last time I’d seen him, we had somehow-sort-of scheduled a sex date, which I wound up canceling because I knew I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t explained why, so on this date, I knew I had to address the sex thing – and let him know that it wasn’t going to happen tonight.
We went to dinner and a play, then drinks afterward. Rather than give a play-by-play of the entire evening, I’ll just break it down into chunks: The Good, The Hmmm, The Bad, and The Sex Part.
He picked me up on time and I was impressed when he actually came to my door, as most guys just call from the car. He opened doors, pulled out chairs, complimented me and gave me his jacket when I was cold. During the play, we cuddled. When I told him I wasn’t ready for sex, he was visibly disappointed, but said it was okay. He told me he liked me. The sexual energy between us was palpable, and even further heightened when he told me he had experience with tantric sex. He definitely did a few things right.
At some point between the appetizer and the main course, I realized I was dating a 12-year-old boy. He teased me, pinched me and shoved me the same way a little boy does when he likes a girl. He snickered every time I said the word “hard.” I had my own grown Butt-head. In many respects, it was fun and playful and made me laugh. But, like a 12-year-old, Fred also thinks he is the center of the universe.
Being the center of the universe, he talks about himself incessantly. He really has not made an effort to get to know me and find out my likes and dislikes, what makes me tick, or who I am as a person. He seems very content just talking about himself.
When I brought up the sex thing, he said he understood, but cut me off when I wanted to explain. He didn’t get why we had to have such a “serious conversation” on the third date. This is bad, I thought. I needed to express my feelings and he wouldn’t let me. Relationship prognosis: negative.
Oh, and he’s a pothead. I am cannabis-friendly, but for me it’s something to enjoy once in a while, not daily. He’s a wake-n-bake, everyday kind of stoner. I don’t want to date the 40-year-old Jeff Spicoli.
The Sex Part
Back at my place, we finally got to be horizontal and make out properly (after all, he was still hot). I had told him there’d be no actual penetration so I knew I wouldn’t have to worry about that. However, we engaged in other activities. One thing led to another and soon I was down to my underwear (thank God I wore the good ones)… and he was naked (outstanding body, I might add).
He wanted to take a trip downtown, but I said no. He kept saying he really wanted to, and despite my protests, he eventually found his way down. But when he asked me to reciprocate, I declined.
You see, if I give a guy a BJ, I might as well just do him. To me, oral sex is extremely intimate and puts me in a very vulnerable position. Don’t get me wrong, I actually love doing it – when I’m with a man I trust. Fred didn’t understand this. I tried to be handy with a handy, but it just wasn’t happening.
He got up, got dressed, and started getting ready to leave. When I asked if he was angry, he said no, but he was disappointed because he had expected to get off and now he had to go ice his balls.
I told him I hadn’t promised him anything so he shouldn’t have expected it. He said he was just being honest because I’d asked. He went on to say that his friends bought him a mug that says “Uncensored,” because he’s a straight-talker and does not censor himself.
I’ve learned this is what most assholes say when defending their assholishness.
What a fucking dick! I thought to myself. He left and I sat there stunned for about 15 minutes, thinking, did this really happen?
Fine, it’s over, he can go to hell. He totally disrespected me and I never, ever wanted to see this jerk again.
There was just one small problem…
I was horny.
Read Part II – Saturday Night with Fred: Get Off and Get Out
Categories: True Story
Is it possible that at least part of the reason you’re annoyed is that Fred twigged to the fact that you weren’t that into him? Guys aren’t stupid. He would have worked it out when you declined to go down.
You were horny AFTER the oral sex?
That is a major problem.
That is sooooooo true! Assholes always act like “hey, I’m just trying to be honest, whats the big deal?”
Ummmm…… The big deal is that you’re an asshole, Asshole.
This is another one of those, “I don’t get how guys get ANY play these days” stories. Acting like a 12yo begging w/a boner just doesn’t seem worth any woman’s trouble to me. I was always told that’s why junior high/high school girls always date older guys, not ones their age, anyway.
Perhaps my expectations of dates is low but I never presume sex on 3rd, 5th, or whatever date count even IF you’re getting horizontal w/someone. For me, sex is like a birthday present a woman chooses, or may not choose, to bestow on a guy as they hold all the cards as to whether sex happens or not. Even if you’re someone that involuntarily opens doors, pulls out chairs, etc. for a woman, as I am, that expectation shouldn’t automatically be there. Someone once told me if they spend $100 on a dinner for a woman they expect it, which I disagree w/as well. You do things because that person’s important, or you want them to BE, important to you, not for sexual returns on investment.
Then again, my sexual success has historically been measured differently in that if I get her off, however she chooses, that’s enough success for me to walk away w/a smile on my face, nothing else needed for my meager ego. Fred just sounds too into himself by the way you speak of him, sexually or otherwise. I would think a woman would want a guy that spends his sexual energies scheming how he can make HER feel amazing as opposed to himself, hence my labeling it another “I don’t get how guys get ANY play these days” stories. Sorry for the soapbox soliloquy 😉
lol @ you were horny. I know that problem oh too well.
The things that really stands out to me in this post aren’t the presumption of a BJ, nor him being self-asorbed. Maybe its because his douche bag behavior is so well covered already here and in subsequent posts and my brain has allowed me to focus on something else. Whatever the reason, the things that caught my attention are the first two lines of “The Good”: holding a door, pulling a chair, and OMG especially coming to the door to pick you up! These should not be unexpected events that cause someone to earn a brownie point. If I were to show up to pick someone up and just called instead of coming to the door I’d expect to get an earful of how inconsiderate I was. Granted, I don’t know what parking may be like for visitor, but those just seem to be things that MUST happen. Raise the bar!
Honey, I agree with you. I wish all guys did these things automatically. But sadly, they often don’t, even the nice guys. I’ve dated all kinds of men and manners like these surface only occasionally. Folks have been saying chivalry is dead for a long time now, and I’d say if it ain’t dead, it sure has one foot in the grave. Maybe it’s because I live in LA. And yes, parking is pretty terrible where I live so that could be an obstacle in coming to the door (plus they have to be buzzed in the apartment complex first).
So I agree, it’s sad that this behavior stands out, but it does. So if you are doing them, I’d say it gives you a great advantage. Spread the word!
Great blog … looking forward to reading more!
Wow nice writing style. It’s really easy for me to read 🙂 Anyway, this guy is a moron. It’s not like he just went down on you. He asked you if you could and he insisted haha. Then he expected it back. Wow. If only life were so easy.
Thanks JM! Read your blog, too. I like. Nice to hear a guy’s perspective and that I wasn’t just a big tease. Cheers!
Wow, what a jerk! I totally agree with you on the vulnerability thing too – and I actually hate when a guy thinks just because they did, that we should reciprocate…I mean, sure, it’s good to do in fairness, but that shouldn’t be WHY you do it – just cuz they did. Looking forward to part two!
Exactly. He made it seem like I seriously wronged him. Appreciate the comment!
A few thoughts: I would try to avoid deciding beforehand whether you’re going to sleep with a guy on a date, because either way you go, you’ll be thinking about your plan instead of just enjoying the moment. If you’d felt like doing it, you could have done it, without feeling like, “oh, I told myself I wouldn’t do this.” You’re setting up a battle of “him” versus “me,” and that sets a bad tone for an evening.
Also, you are not required to disclose whether or not you are going to sleep with a guy during the dinner. Everything’s negotiable, and this guy needs to shut up and have an actual two-way conversation if he wants to charm you. You were not charmed. If he’s like, “I think this girl would have slept with me but I blew it by yammering on about nothing,” maybe he’ll learn. Also, it really puts a damper on things when a girl says that.
Also, this whole “what he wants versus what I want” thing is bad for the sex. It’s no wonder you didn’t feel like giving him a BJ.
It’s time to move on….NEXT!
Oh, honey, if I didn’t decide beforehand I would sleep with every guy I’m attracted to immediately. My brain has to keep my vag in check or it would get me into serious trouble. I know from experience. Many experiences.
If you read my last post (https://singlegirlblogging.wordpress.com/2010/03/26/the-lunchsex-date/) you’ll know why I felt the need to bring it up in advance. But I agree, normally, I would not disclose whether or not I’d sleep with him during dinner.
Appreciate the comment, sweet pea.
I’ve got similar feelings about Mary Jane and BJ’s…its just gotta be right and their hs to be a connection for the latter. And for the former, come on Man get a cup of coffee in the morning!
Can’t wait to hear about Saturday night.
I couldn’t be high all day, I would never get a damn thing done. I don’t know how stoners do it. But I do know people who do. Go figure!