Saturday Night with Fred: Get Off and Get Out

Continued from Friday Night with Fred: I Never Promised You a BJ

It's half past get outAs I mentioned in my last blog post, when Fred left Friday night I was pissed off that he was pissed off that he didn’t get off. But… I was horny.

I normally dislike using the word “horny” when referring to myself. To me, it sounds so, well, male, and utterly unfeminine. But there is no other word for what I was feeling on Saturday. I wasn’t frisky, I wasn’t amorous. I was horny.

All day long, I couldn’t concentrate. I had an itch, and Fred was the only one who could scratch it.

That night, I texted Fred and asked him to come over, and he did. I also asked him to bring some party favors to enhance the night’s activities. Like I said, I don’t smoke often, but I knew he’d have the good stuff and it makes for mind-blowing sex.

We lit up and got right down to business. I wore a hot little corset number with thigh high stockings, which made me feel very sexy, and he seemed to appreciate it as well. Candles were burning, music was playing, and my neighbors were out for the evening so we could be as loud as we wanted.

I was not disappointed; it was pretty damn spectacular. He did everything I wanted him to, without me having to ask. When it was over, we were both more than satisfied.

The After-Sex

Afterwards, as we lay on the bed, I looked over at him and he was staring at the ceiling with a big grin on his face. I asked him what he was thinking, why he was smiling.

Without a trace of sarcasm, he replied, “You know, when I’m sitting here smiling for no reason, 90% of the time it’s because I’m thinking about how fucking awesome I am. And the other 10% of the time, it’s just stupid shit. And that’s the God’s honest truth.”

“Wow,” I said, incredulous. “You’re really full of yourself.”

He said, “You know what? I am. I am 100% at peace with myself. I am my favorite person in the whole fucking world. There is no one else I’d rather be than me.” When I told him there is a difference between being at peace with yourself and being full of yourself, he got a little pissy, but continued on with how marvelous he was.

Ew. I just bagged a douche.

I wanted this guy out of my apartment. I didn’t want to cuddle, and I didn’t want any pillow talk. I simply wanted him gone.

I got up while he was still talking, put on some sweats and went into the kitchen to do dishes. Eventually he came out and put his pants on, but didn’t leave. He was still talking about himself.

I sat on the couch and tried to think of a plot to get him to vamoose. Then he started doing some kind of Chippendale dance for me. I honestly couldn’t tell if he was being silly or if he really thought it was sexy.

I turned on Saturday Night Live. I thought, if he won’t leave, at least maybe he’ll shut up. But he didn’t. He kept blathering on about his life, even though I was staring and laughing at Jon Hamm, who was hosting that night. Couldn’t this guy take a hint?

Finally, I turned to him and said, “Look, I’m really tired.”

“Oh. I get it,” he said. Well, it’s about time, you feckless knob.

He put on his shoes and thanked me for the hot sex. I thanked him back and sent him on his way.

And then I went to bed, happy, without a single regret.

Categories: True Story

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30 replies

  1. “Ew. I just bagged a douche.”
    You’re telling me you couldn’t locate a nice guy with a penis on a Saturday night?
    Or even a nice lesbian with a strap-on? You could even call the strap-on “Fred”.

    (Don’t ever say your buddy, The Hook, isn’t looking out for you.)

  2. The lesson is: Bring weed and the girl wants you. Even though she might actually be a grown woman around 30 and probably college educated.

  3. Haha, that’s the same tactic I use to keep every girl I sleep with from wanting to keep me in a relationship. Trust me, we see the hints to leave… we just ignore them to be extra-safe.

  4. I’m the same way. Been single since late Spring and looking out for myself first. It’s a new experience for me, and I would have done the same thing. Use and abuse him, if you find it necessary in the future, because I know you’re not deluding yourself that it’s more than that.
    Good for you! Enjoy :).

  5. Well he was showing signs of being a self absorbed douche from the beginning. At least you got your rocks off and he left. I had an unwanted sleep over cuz the guy wouldn’t leave. I gave him all the sings that I wanted to sleep alone, but his ass wasn’t picking up on them.

  6. heh. I do have problems sometimes thinking of sex=reward, and thinking, “That asshole doesn’t deserve to get to fuck her!” instead of “She deserves to fuck who she wants – it’s not about him.” Glad you got what you want, and then got rid of him before you had to strangle him. B)

  7. Gosh. At least you got what you wanted, it had been a total and utter bummer if only he got what he wanted after all that crap. That dude isn’t going to be a good boyfriend for anyone anytime soon. Douche.

  8. It’s funny how you ended the last post like you didn’t want anything to do with him. Is that always going to mean you’re not going to want anything to do with him until you get “horny” and invite him over 2 days later.

    No questions asked he fucks you. I’ll never understand the way girls think. I understand he’s really good looking, but those are the best ones to kick to the curb. They need it, and deserve it, because they are not used to it. Anyway, at least you had good sex. Just let him masturbate to it for the rest of his life, and never call him again :).


    • Well, in this instance I believe I am thinking exactly like a man. Men get horny and want to have sex, ideally with someone hot who they are sexually attracted to. That’s exactly what happened with me. This was so not about rewarding or punishing him – it was about getting what I wanted. I may have to write a blog post about this…

      Right now, I honestly don’t know if I’ll see him again, but I’m leaning toward no. He called a couple days ago and I haven’t called him back. My brain says no, but you’re right, maybe one day I’ll get randy (notice I didn’t want to use “horny” again?) and call him. I just don’t know. But if I do, it’ll be on my terms.

  9. WOW – this was going so well until the totally-full-of-himself douche-bagery 😉 I hate egos!! But at the same time, if he’s that good in bed, sort of hard to turn away, in a sense, too, huh? 😉 At least worth the fantasy! ha!

      • LOL! Love it – and I agree on the term “horny” – I’m not one to use it often either, it does feel like a manly word!! use it only when really ahem, reallllly horny – LOL!

      • As long as women keep shagging guys like Fred, you’ll create more and more Freds in the world, because we’ll see that we need to act like that to get laid.

        Put a stop to this, ladies!

      • Ahh, I was afraid of this misconception. I shag a douche and men think I shagged him *because* he’s a douche. This is false. I *dismissed* him because he’s a douche. If he were nice, I would’ve kept seeing him. I shagged him because he is HOT. Tall, beautiful face, beautiful body, incredible sexual energy. Ugh, such a shame that he IS a douche.

      • I’m okay with this, because, according to your earlier posts, you’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship and are just having fun and playing the field.

        I have no problem with the beautiful people of the world having it off with each other, on principle.

        But once this blog reaches post #50, you’d better not be saying “why are all guys such assholes”.

        I hope you find a nice bloke when you’re ready to settle down.

  10. Holy Hot Kats! I have one of those. He’s still on my list of Fall-Back Guys for just the right times…but, I’d never engage him in actual convo or sharing a meal. Eck. Good for you for keeping it on your terms and for realizing that this guy was a total douche.

    • You know, I’ve really been pondering if I want to keep him around for that… but he kind of scares me. I think he may be a bit mentally unstable. And half the time I’d want to just smack him.

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