My name is singlegirlie, and I’m a doucheaholic.

Doucheaholic

Doucheaholic

My name is singlegirlie, and I’m a doucheaholic.

It’s been two days since I quit Fred… and I’m dying for a hit.

I know he’s bad for me and using again will just send me down a torrid path of self-destruction. But I am jonesin’, man.

I can’t concentrate at work. I’m fidgety. I’ve been daydreaming. All I want to do is grab his big fat face and kiss the shit out of it. I’ve crafted several texts, but haven’t pressed “send.” I’ve exhibited extraordinary will power and I need a fix, damn it!

Maybe I could just date him for a while, you know, recreationally. I could stop any time I wanted to. Everybody does it. I work hard and I’m a good person, I deserve to treat myself. I mean, how can it be bad when it feels so good?

Plus, I discovered an official chart that provides empirical evidence that Fred is in fact not a douche – he’s just a man! Can’t blame him for that.

When I told him it wasn’t going to work out he was sad, and very sweet. He told me he liked me and I was a real sweetheart and I had a bounce in my step and he had very little spare time in his life but chose to spend it with me because he liked me and so he really can’t be that bad, right? Right?

God, listen to myself. I am a pathetic, sorry excuse for a woman. Don’t I know that doucheaholism destroys lives? Think of my friends who’ll have to listen to me blubber then clean up the mess of snot and tears I’ll emit after one of my benders. And my readers. They’ll witness the demise of a girl who once had so much promise… until she fell victim to douche abuse.

Listen to me, children. Douchebags are the most dangerous kind of drug. You only have to do them once to develop a physical dependency.

I have heard that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. So here I am, making this confession to all of you. Please, help me break the cycle of addiction. Thank you.

36 replies

  1. I totally feel you on this one. It’s hard to meet a guy and then find out he’s a douche…AFTER you’ve kinda fallen in love with him. You try to be the bigger person and stop seeing him, but that makes you want him even more. But, you can do it! It’ll take some time, but don’t give in to the temptation, you’ll just hate yourself in the morning.

  2. Sometimes it’s so difficult to say NO to the douche. I have a similar situation with a habitual douche. The sex is great! Unfortunately, after the sex almost always comes problems. I say, if you’re just using the douche for sex–by all means, go for it! But, if you’re invested emotionally in the situation, don’t do it! Love your blog posts, btw.

  3. Hi, my name is Karen & I’m a doucheaholic! Lol so I know I’m a bit behind on this blog but awesomeness!! I can really relate to making the excuses for these douchebags & thinking you’ll date them just for fun til someone gets hurt. That person is usually me so this post was so refreshing! Thanks girly keep writting & I’ll keep reading! In the meantime I’ll work on by recovery process as well.

    • Thanks a million, Karen! I’ve kicked the habit – haven’t called Fred at all. The first couple days were the hardest (as with any addiction, I suppose). There’s no one you won’t get over.

  4. I like the fact that you’re straight up honest in this post – and really, aren’t totally serious about “going back” to the douchebag…and this post is supposed to be all in fun, yet some people seem to think you are a little more serious than you are with your post…but I digress 😉 I know what you mean, the bit of regret you feel, because of some of the qualities you like, yet the bad outweighs the good, of course, which makes it a good decision. Good luck “weaning” yourself off Fred! 😉

  5. There is a catch for women who pursue lifestyles like yours. (I neither disapprove nor approve- I’m neutral and I believe in personal freedoms). The catch is the old double standard. Studs get to fuck with societal approval. Sluts can’t. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. It’s just how it goes.

    If you wanna bag a quality guy (and it sounds like you do) you’re going about it the wrong way. Once alpha males know you’ve had a thousand Fred’s run up inside you, it’s game over. Do not pass go/Do not collect one hundred dollars.

    However, if you don’t mind giving up the poon for betas and omegas, you are obviously free to do so. But remember the old maxim: We are not what we think we are. We are what we do.

  6. Male douchebags are exactly the same as the product you get at the drug store…

    Disposable.

    Use it as you will, throw it away and move on.

    You can always get another one, (cheap) and may want to try a different ‘fragrance’ next week.

  7. “It is hard to admit. I especially don’t like saying it because I don’t want guys to think they should be douchebags to get a girl. And they don’t, really.”

    I call bullshit. Not only guys should be douchebags to get a girl, they must be douchebags in order to get a girl. Guys are starting to realize that if they want a woman like you, they have to be more like the douchebag you’re doing and less of a nice guy. A nice guy of course, sends you people running for the hills faster than a Category 5 hurricane.

    • Hi Bob. I’m very sorry you feel this way. It makes me really sad. I may have to dedicate a blog post to this because I think it’s important, and I think this kind of behavior actually prevents people from connecting and having healthy relationships. I do want to point out that I dumped Fred after three dates *because* he is a douchebag. So in this case, the douche lost the girl.

      I admit it is difficult to stay away because he is also gorgeous, sexy, passionate, exciting and funny – traits that a lot of douches possess, unfortunately – but I know he’s toxic. I also know plenty of gorgeous women who are dating or married to nice guys. I understand why you feel this way, though. But I don’t think anyone should act like an asshole just to get a girl (or guy).

      • But wait! I think I’ve got the answer here:

        1) Nice guys don’t always just want the relationship, they too want all the one-off shags the douchbebags are constantly getting, but they’re not willing to be the asshole they need to be to get those shags.

        2) Douchebags have it made because they shag away for years until they decide they want to settle down, then all they have to do is stop being a douche towards the one they want to marry. The girl is chuffed with having tamed a wild stallion, and down the aisle they go. There’s no punishment for having been an ass all those years!

      • Hey Arwin –

        1) If someone just wants a shag, there are plenty of websites with men and women looking just for that. No guessing as to what people want. Easy peasy.
        2) I strongly disagree that douchebags “have it made.” If they are super douchey, they likely have some personal emotional issues that are causing them to act that way (they will NEVER admit this). Think you may be idealizing this whole situation.

        Lastly, confidence is key, my friend! Few want to shag a “woe is me” type (unless you find a girl who’s into that). I also know gaining confidence isn’t easy and doesn’t happen overnight. And unfortunately, it can’t really be faked.

        xoSG

  8. don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can have a fling with this guy. especially if you already know he is a douche bag. i say walk away. in fact, run! all this would do is cause you harm in the long run.

    trust me i’ve been there and it ain’t pretty! so save yourself the long term misery for only a short time bit of company.

  9. You know, I think I’ll go against the grain here and tell you to go ahead and have that fling … with Fred. Just go ahead. Have lots of sex. Days of it, maybe. Eventually he’ll get bad. Or you will. But anyway, the sex will get bad. THEN leave him.

    OK, that’s evil, but a delicious thought …

    • Ooooooooh, aren’t you the little enabler? Must admit, I perked up a little when I read your comment. I knew I liked you. 🙂 I’m really going to try and abstain, though.

      • Ha! 🙂 Well, it’s just as well you stay away. That would be my choice too. I just thought I might try to stir up a controversial idea. On second thought, it’s probably better to follow the mental (and not the animal) part of us.

  10. Dear @SingleGirlie,
    FIND A BETTER FRED!
    please do yourself that favor…
    As for him being a man.. I’m quite sure not every man is like that one..

    Good luck in Rehab.

    • Thanks, hun. It is hard to admit. I especially don’t like saying it because I don’t want guys to think they should be douchebags to get a girl. And they don’t, really. The alluring part about most douchebags is that they are exciting and passionate. You can be that without being a douche.

      Maybe I should duct tape my thighs shut. Whatever works… Thanks for the comment 🙂

      • Thanks for spelling it “duct” instead of “duck”. That’s one of my pet peeves…

        Also people who don’t enunciate “NPR”…

  11. Don’t DO it! You can live without him. He’s destructive and your addiction is boring the SHIT out of your friends and family. Trust me. They secretly think you are an idiot for running back and forth for a fix everytime you get weak and he’s horny. Repeat after me, 10 times – I do not need that boring douchebag in my life. He and his melodrama are BORING. I AM BORING.

    Now, go take a walk, go to the gym, go shoe shopping, go to a florist and buy yourself some flowers, do ANYTHING to keep away from the BORING douchebag.

    The end.

  12. I once set up a “lifeline” when trying to get over a douche. Every time I wanted to text him, I texted my lifeline instead. Same words I would’ve said to him, I said to my lifeline instead. Every time I wanted to call him, I called my lifeline instead. It wasn’t the same, there’s no kidding anyone on that, but the action of getting out those words did help, after about the 50th time. I even said “I just wish I knew how to quit you…” which lifeline and I both laughed over. Consider a lifeline. Stay strong.

  13. Don’t’ do it. I’m still recovering from the last douche, and two months and no contact hasn’t dampened my ardor or desire for him, that he is all I think about 24/7. Friends are tired of hearing me whine and moan and cry, and always give the standard friend advice: “You were too good for him….He’s a jerk…Get over it already…blah blah blah.” It’s slow going, and I definitely would not do it again, the aftermath is not, I repeat, not worth it…. Kisses

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