I’m going to the police to report a crime:
Somebody stole my mojo.
I know someone must have stolen it, because last night I had the opportunity to have red hot sex with a red hot man thing. And I passed.
The guy: Former F-buddy. 20s. Surfer. Hot. Body. Rockin’. OMG. I mean, OMG.
The sitch: Hooking up again after two years. No strings attached.
The problem: Rough week. Possibly getting sick. Grouchy. Exhausted.
I know… LAME.
The strange thing is, I had enough oomph to go to the gym and work out. But it wasn’t the physical energy that was the problem – I’m sure I could have gathered the strength to do a little horizontal mambo for an hour or so. It was the mental energy I couldn’t muster.
If it were really just sex – he appeared, pleasured me, then disappeared – I could’ve managed. But it was all the preamble I wasn’t up for. This is what I’m talking about:
The Prep Time
I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before and I went to work looking a hot mess. I knew I’d have to come home and transform myself into something somebody might want to penetrate.
I’d have to shower, shave at least three body parts, wash my hair, style my hair and redo my makeup at minimum.
Then I’d have to tidy up (if he came to me) or drive through LA traffic (if I went to him).
Last night, I just wasn’t up for the challenge.
The Small Talk
We hadn’t seen each other in two years so there would have to be a bit of obligatory chitchat. We’d both know it was just bullshit niceties, but we’d still do it.
We’d probably also have a drink or two, because let’s face it, we don’t really know each other that well and would need to loosen up. This would take roughly 20-30 minutes, but it sounded like an eternity.
I know, I know. All the men out there are thinking, Dumb girl! Men don’t give a rat’s ass about that stuff. You should’ve just gone straight to the sex!
But I knew I couldn’t do it. I need to feel sexy and I need a modicum of mental foreplay. The pre-game show was not optional.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little concerned. I must be getting sick. In a way, I hope I’m getting sick. Because I don’t want to think I’ve become one of those. Not in the mood? Too pooped to pork? That’s just not me.
But goddammit, even though he had to fight an obese Scottish dude and outwit a bald megalomaniacal freak, Austin Powers got his mojo back. And so will I. Yeah, baby, yeah!
Categories: Something is Wrong with Me, True Story
I understand…but I also feel like you’re the bachelor complaining about how tough it is having 13 chicks wanting to fulfil your EVERY need…just playing…well sort of…lol…I might be a bit snarky…it appears that in the 6 years of relationshipness I managed to lose touch with all my bootycallers and can’t bring myself to start enlistment again lol…you get back on that surfer bod right quick 😛
When you get your mojo back, can you see if someone turned mine into the lost and found? I got mine stolen somewhere back in college several eternities ago.
Seriously, when did primping become such a process?? Back in the day, I remember that five minutes, some mascara and some lip gloss did the trick. And now I need an hour to get my pretty on, if I include all the moisturizing, shaving and outfit-prepping. I had no idea that the full blossom of youth made dating that much less time-consuming…
If Dr. Evil has all our mojo, I can’t imagine what he’s planning on doing with it. I wonder how it could possibly be instrumental in his plans for world domination. But if it is, I really hadn’t been using it to its full potential.
there’s a shot you can get for low sex drive. it’s called COCK. you can take it orally, via injection or suppository. just sayin ,-)
looking forward to the return of…MOJO! (this time, it’s personal)
Oh, the irony. Actually, it’s not sex drive that’s the problem. I could easily have sex. It was all the peripheral stuff. Didn’t you read the post, dumdum? 😉
“Too pooped to pork” = great T shirt
That was almost the title of the post, but I changed it last minute. Dang. If you market the T shirt I best get a cut. You saw it here first, children! 🙂
“Too pooped to pork”? I have to find a way to use that in a conversation. Someway, somehow!
Let me know how that goes!
lol..I’m sure this was a fluke..it happens to the best of us.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, girl. Hope it’s a fluke!
yeah. Jeesh. Way to look a gift horse in the mouth. Get your ass back into gear and don’t blog into you do!!!
I always forget what that saying means. Does it have something to do with the Trojan war? Or is it rude to look a horse in the mouth?
You MUST be coming down with something! There’s no other explanation is there??? Eeeek! Best of luck in finding that mojo, girlie! One should never turn down 20 y/o surfers!
LOL, thanks. I still can’t tell if I’m sick or not, but I’m still exhausted. So annoying.