The One That Got Away Got Married

He got marriedI was stalking exes on Facebook the other night – something I rarely do. I especially make it a point to not look at one particular ex’s profile, because I know it generally amounts to no good. But I was feeling masochistic and was waxing blue anyway, so I went for it.

And there it was. The guy, the one, the one who broke my heart, Peter… is now married with dogs. To Priscilla.

He had told me he didn’t want to get married. And neither did I, so it was perfect. We both had already been married and didn’t see the point. In fact, we met about a year after both of our marriages ended. For me, it was enough time. For him, it turned out, it wasn’t.

We only dated four months. I know it sounds crazy to be so hung up on a guy I knew for such a short amount of time, but we adored each other, we were a perfect union, we were in love.

He was the most authentic person I had ever met, and in a good way. He was passionate, loved animals, intelligent, sexy, grounded and confident, but not the least bit arrogant.

He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He told me I deserved to never be unhappy again in my life. He brought flowers. He would call just to tell me he was crazy about me. We had an amazing time together. We agreed on politics. His family and friends — who lived in other countries — e-mailed to tell me they couldn’t wait to meet me.

I couldn’t believe my luck. I thought, finally, I found the man I’m supposed to be with!

The Sucky Ass Shit

HeartbrokenOne sunny day in August, he told me he realized he just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and wanted to slow it down. I told him I didn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t into me. He said he wanted to be friends; I said it would be too hard. We broke up.

My friends assured me he’d come back. I thought he’d come back. But he didn’t.

I missed him so much. A few months after we broke up, I sent him an e-mail saying I wanted to be friends, but he didn’t respond.

It’s now been more than three years and we haven’t spoken. I thought I’d seen him once at a local bar – I panicked and immediately ran out.

I would look at his MySpace page now and then, and every time I did I’d promise myself to never look again. I’d keep my promise a few months, then I’d think I was feeling strong and look again, just to see what he was up to.

About a year and a half ago I saw a photo he’d posted of him and Priscilla. She was cute, but not stunning. Not as pretty as me, I thought. Petty, I’m aware, but this is how we women think when we’re jealous.

I had a breakdown and vowed to never look at his MySpace or Facebook pages again. And I didn’t — until the other day.

He looks really happy. I suppose a bigger person would be happy for him. But I’m not. I’m crushed. And I suppose a bigger person would end this note claiming they’ve learned something from all of this. But I haven’t. At least not yet.

I often wonder why it wasn’t me — what did he see in me that drove him away? I may have in fact just been a victim of bad timing, but the insecure monster inside of me beats down any glass-is-half-full attitude and tells me I’m not good enough. Even though I know I really am.

There is one bright spot I discovered, however, as a result of my Facebook stalking. One itty bitty nugget that gives me the tiniest bit of comfort and alleviates my pain, even if ever so slightly.

He’s going bald.

37 replies

  1. Your blog is making me feel less alone. Thank you. A similar story happened to me last year; we only dated for a month or 2, but when he took me to San Diego to meet his brother, I fucking thought it meant something, but I think he just wanted a ride buddy. We had awesome living room floor sex, went to museums & I felt so in-love. That week he said he didn’t want a relationship & now, of course, he is married. If he were on fire & I had water, I would drink it. (I know you will get this horrible sense of humor!!) xo

  2. Let me tell you how things work out. A looong time ago (25 years) someone broke my heart. He decided I wasn’t good enough for him and married someone barely out of their teens and skinny. (Too skinny, I thought. The girl was flat chested and had no hips) Not much to look at in the face, either. I think her extreme youth was the big turn on. Though I was an old lady of 24 at the time! But that’s beside the point. I’ve never gotten over him, but I’ve built a nice life for myself. Husband (who loves me) and kids.

    Fast forward 20+ years. Just for the heck of it, I did some internet stalking on Mr. Wonderful and his bride. In that time, they’ve managed to turn a substantial amount of inherited wealth into a huge pile ‘o shit. Their McMansion was short saled because they couldn’t make the payments, leaving them with a nearly 2,000,000 shortfall. No, that’s NOT a typo, Two MILLION dollars. Here’s hoping the IRS reams the shit out of both of them with a dry, splintery broom handle come tax time. The business he inherited from his father is currently being evicted for non payment of rent. Also, years of ignoring environmental regulations at his place of business netted him a lawsuit and a $36,000 fine. Needless to say, his credit is in the toilet and life for him must suck like a clogged drain right now. His business filed bankruptcy to get the creditors off his back, but he has to pay up eventually if he wants to keep the doors open.

    His wife also uses his company ebay site to sell her crap. Oh, things like Louis Vuitton epileather bags, Chanel ballet flats and the most expensive, useless garbage EVER. No wonder he’s broke! Oh, when his McMansion was being shortsaled? The realtor posted pictures! Someone has atrocious taste and would do well to hire a decorator. Cripes.

    For years, I’ve wished that karma would hurry it’s ass up and get around to him while I was still alive to see it, and finally, it has! And yay for public records! I would NOT want to be in his wife’s (ridiculously expensive) shoes right now. In fact, I’m kinda thinking they deserve each other and are going to have a fine time in bankruptcy court. Sometimes, things work out for the best, though it doesn’t seem like it at the time.

    • Wow. I never comment on these blogs but I simply could not restrain myself for doing so in this case. I have to say, after reading your rant I wonder that you are yourself unable to see what made that man run for the hills. You are spiteful, possibly poisonous. I do not know what this man has done to you to deserve such ill-wishing, but you’ve had 25 years to heal. You obviously have not. I hope for your husband and your children’s sake that they are unaware of what is brewing inside of you.

      I have loved, and have been scorned in love. I can’t say that I wish him all the happiness in the world. He ruined mine. Just as easily I would not wish him personal or financial ruin. It is something that I don’t wish even to my worst enemy. Deep down I can’t.

      Find your peace and stop stalking this man. Don’t rejoice in people’s ruin. It’s the worst quality one can have. Prove yourself worthy to people that love and surround you and embrace their well-being instead of other’s misfortunes.

      Sincerely,

      J.L

  3. I totally feel you. I have been there. the only difference is that he had proposed to me again 3 weeks before he broke up. We had been together for six years. After the break up he said he needs time to solve his problems and that there is no other woman. In fact he had met someone online, applied for a visa, flew to where she lives and married her three weeks after. You can imagine how much that hurt me. My heart got broken in thousands of pieces. We had planned our life together and then all came falling down. Hang in there. I know it is hell, but it can only get better.

  4. The one break that I gave myself for New Years was that I wouldn’t check out any of my ex’s profiles on any social networking sites. It’s not worth it for me to waste my time like that . So far so good!

  5. I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s a story we I hear a lot. A guy who will break up with a girl and get married pretty much right away to someone else. I’ve asked guys why they do this and they don’t even know. But it is a slap in the face.

    Great article! Enjoyed reading. 🙂

  6. It wasn’t meant to be. I experienced the same thing a few years ago. I was casually dating/brushing off a guy and his ass married the very next ho, I mean woman. He’s balding too so I’m happy.

  7. 1. With a name like Priscilla, I’m guessing that she’s the reason why he’s going bald. Hooray for him. I’ve some cockamamie theories about the links between people’s names and their personalities. And they are all pretty offensive.

    2. Random question: which is worse, balding or unseemly growth of douche-icky-hair?

    3. Good thing that this one got away. I’ve a sneaking suspicion that he’s an ass-fool. He married someone named Priscilla.

  8. The correct answer to whether it’s better if she’s prettier or uglier than you is: neither. She must be identical to you so that you know he realized only later that he fucked up and could only be happy with a mini-you.

    The one that got away sucks. Maybe he just wasn’t ready emotionally at the time to be in a committed relationship. Maybe you weren’t meant to be together. Maybe he is a turd.

    And facebook stalking is awesome. Except that one day that app came out that showed the people that came to your site the most often. Then I about shit a brick. But it turned out to be a virus. Crises averted 😉

  9. I also can relate to this, I am never married but when a guy I was previously dating and suddenly get involved seriously with the next girl after me, I’ll always wondering, why not me? 😛 I think it’s a normal feeling.. and it will fade away after a while. There is this guy I used to date, great sex, great talk etc etc but he was not into me. He moved on to the next girl, who is totally unattractive (I am not biased but she’s just so so hehe) and we are all kinda have common friends, so time to time, at friends’ gathering, I would bump into her and she was never nice to me, which kinda makes me feel on the winning side, she’s intimidated. Then one day the guy was out joining my crowd and his girl was nowhere to be found and guess what? He flirted with any girls in the room (and even with me) I am glad I am not the one ended up with this dick..

  10. Okay, so three cheers to him going bald and for FB stalking…just sayin 😉 but it DOES suck he’s married now…even if it’s all in the past, it still kinda gets ya, right? I’m with you on that…but onward, right??

  11. Umm, I don’t know what you’re talking about FB stalking is wicked awesome. It makes you feel all warm and fuzzy and loved and happy!! Geez, I do it daily and love everything about it.

    Okay, well that’s just me maybe…but I’m currently crushing on one of my besties soo, yeah I’m sick in the head.

    • Hee. It’s why I never friend guys I date on FB now. Typing his name in the search field every now and then is one thing, but to see him in my news feed on a regular basis? TORTURE.

  12. LOL love this.. and I can so relate. My one that got away is still with the girl he got after me. I used to stalk him all the time and wonder what went wrong. but that was before facebook.

    Now with Facebook, I see why we didn’t work. He’s gone.. hippy. Really hippy, and loves to sit around in drum circles.

    So i’m now thinking it was truely for the best. 🙂 Plus.. with yours, he’s going bald.. better things await you. 🙂

    • Actually, we’re not FB friends. His profile was public. I imagine this was because a) he’s a musician and wants to publicize his music or b) this was when FB changed its privacy policy and everyone’s profile defaulted back to public. Real cool, Facebook. Aiding and abetting the stalkers.

      • LMAO Yeah that’s how I get all my facebook stalking done…accidental public access…which is convenient since I have a datey-no-facebookey rule…but man if these fellas could only see my lady paw prints all over their shit lol!…though it’s my greatest fear that I’ve got my profile accidentally set to public or something and the ex will find out about the blog…oy!

        But I digress…back to you :P…While I’m a big fan of getting over shit…and generally try to be all rainbows and sunshine, candy and rose colored glasses…I’m also a big proponent of when life gets you down…take a minute to play around in the mud (metaphorically or perhaps literally…say at a spa)…but seriously…do what makes you happy for a minute and sulk a bit….eat some icecream…get shit plastered (oh how I miss that sometimes)…or if that’s not your thing…hit the gym…take a vacay…talk to the girls…whatever…take a breath…cry…bitch…feel petty…and then move past it…

        BTW…I’m not sure which is worse…if she’s prettier or uglier…I actually get hurt more by the ugly because then I’m like fuck…was my personality so bad or is she so freakin’ amazing…blah blah blah…bad path but normal to go down 🙂

        Good Luck…If You Do Eat Some Ice Cream…think of me and enjoy a couple spoonfuls on my behalf… 😛

  13. If it’s one thing I’m learning in my current divorce mess, it’s that we’ll never know why things happen when they do. All we can do is deal w/them, dust ourselves off no matter how deep in the gutter they may land us, and move on into the light of the future, searching for hope to guide us there.

    I can’t imagine, being here now, that I’ll be ready for anything remotely serious in 4 months after this hell ends and if I found something that perfect, I think I’d probably be gunshy like he may have been, depending on how his marriage ended vs. my own’s collapse. Perhaps he felt he needed more time to spread himself around? Who knows? Could be any of a myriad of reasons.

    The point is this: just because he chose someone else does not mean you aren’t deserving of your own true love someday nor is there anything wrong w/you. I’m trying to teach myself this but it’s been about as easy to swallow as a glass full of roofing nails thus far. Perhaps you’ll be more receiving than my hard head’s been lately?

    • Lemme tell you something, honey, divorce is no picnic – everyone knows that. BUT, I am very glad I am not with my ex hub anymore. Dating and singledom can be frustrating at times, but it can also be very fun and I wouldn’t go back to being married to him if I had the choice. Many, many opportunities and good times abound!

  14. Oh honey, i so feel ya, If I had a penny for every “Peter” in my life. Yes, that ONE guy. the one who said he wasn’t ready for I love you’s. The one that I looked up on facebook only to discover he had a baby with the bitch ho. I even went so far as to congratulate him for the baby. I wanted to say, you selfish bitch, why couldn’t you be ready with me! I think and think and think the thing over till I’m blue in the face.

    The only conclusions I find are the following.
    1. the obvious, Bad timing (that’s 80% of the boys)
    2. I was just simply so wonderful that he didn’t think he deserved me and wanted to find a lower form of me so he would feel more secure with himself (this actually turned out to be true to a certain, sexy romaninan boy I dated)
    3. I was girlfriend material and he just wanted to have sex with sluty chicks before settling down (this one a little harder to believe but really sowing your oats is like a religion for some people)
    4. He was a real psycho but right now that he’s happy I only remember the good parts. (also one to remember)

    Well those are my reasons. I still look at their profiles and wait for divorce or something….or maybe bad skin…bad vacation….it’s the little things that make the ex’s happy lol

    • I’m sure we’ve all gone through something similar at one point or another.

      And I personally like #2. Let’s go with that! 🙂

      And yeah, I’m not wishing anything bad for him… but if divorce does befall them, well, I won’t be too upset. Heh.

  15. There is no good reason to care about somebody who doesn’t care about you (other than art). I know what you mean because I tend to do the same thing, and complain about the same thing (“they say there should be a lesson – where is the fucking lesson?!”). I hope you find joy. Men may come and go, and let’s be fair, we (women, blogger, each individual “I”) do just that, too. But you write beautifully – and I am sending you smiles and wishing you joy.

    • I really believe sometimes that there is no lesson – that sometimes shit just happens. Perhaps it’s up to us to glean some kind of lesson. Thank you, lovely lady. Many, many thanks.

  16. It is all timing. You could have become the friend he wanted you to be, but then that would have been a freaking nightmare for you.

    And when someone says they don’t want to get married, most likely its because they haven’t met the right person; I know if the right guy proposes, you’ll change your tune.

    • Or it’s because they’ve already been married and don’t want to go through it again. But who knows? It’s possible I’ll change my mind. I can’t predict the future and anything is possible. Maybe I’ll be a bull-dyke… or a senator. Or both!

  17. I totally feel you on this. Facebook stalking is the worst. BUT atleast you wont be stuck with some balding man?

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