No, I Don’t Want to Be Your Facebook Friend

Do you have a Facebook?Ah, Facebook. Great for finding old high school friends, staying in touch with family, sharing vacation pics… And TMI. Way, way, way TMI. Especially when you’re dating. There is some crap you just don’t need to know.

The guy I met last week wants to be my Facebook friend. This was awkward. I’ve never just been straight up asked like that on the phone, the man on the other end awaiting a yes-or-no answer. So I had to tell him.

No. Sorry, bub. You are moving much too fast for me.

The sad truth is, I will put out before I’ll friend a guy on Facebook.

Why? I don’t want the dramarama. Observe:

It’s funny but it’s true. I’ve known couples who have thrown down because of Facebook. Silly, perhaps, but it happens aaaaaaall the time.

I was MySpace friends (back when MySpace was the thing) with the one that got away, and it kind of sucked. He was a musician and always had plenty of skanky chicks leaving comments on his wall (did MySpace call it a wall?). I’m not a terribly jealous person, but this got on my very last nerve. So no more.

Last year I dated a guy named Jorge on and off for an entire year and we never became Facebook friends.

I knew he was on Facebook; he knew I was on Facebook. We talked about it in a general sense. One of us would say “My mom is on Facebook” or “I saw this funny video on Facebook the other day.” But a friend request was never proffered.

It’s not that I have anything to hide. I just don’t like the idea of someone knowing all my shit, and I don’t want to watch myself online wondering what this guy might think.

But more importantly, to be completely candid, I don’t want to see HIS shit. I know myself, and I can be one neurotic broad. I can just envision the shizzle going down:

[Squiggly lines across the screen, morphing into…]

Scene: Me. Sweats. Laptop. Living room. Cup o’ green tea.

I log into Facebook and scroll through my news feed. Laura’s playing FarmVille, Becca’s baby took a dump… What’s this? Jorge uploaded some photos from his friend’s party. The one I wasn’t invited to. Lookie lookie…

Pics of the bros at dinner, pics of the bros doing shots, yada yada. Wait… A comment from a Jen Fielding:

Facebook comment

Beg pardon, who is this hosebeast flirting online with my not-boyfriend-but-not-sure-what-the-hell-to-call-him?

I click on her photo. Hmph. Jen only shares some of her profile information with everyone.

I can see this much: she’s cute and she’s brunette. Jorge likes brunettes. She’s got 732 friends. Ohhhh, Little Miss Popular. Or is it Little Miss Slutbag?

That’s all I got.

I navigate back to Jorge’s wall. His Recent Activity reveals that he “liked” a picture Jen posted of herself in a bikini. Dick!

Clearly, he is porking this bitch. Clearly. Most likely, anyway. Possibly.

BUT, what the hell am I supposed to do with this information? Am I going to ask him about it? No, I’ll sound like an insecure, neurotic freak (in other words, he’ll know the truth). I’m not his girlfriend, so I don’t have bitching rights.

So my newfound knowledge just floats around in my head making me batshit insane.

He’ll know something’s up when he sees me because I’ll be acting weird. But I won’t be able to say anything so I’ll complain about something else. Then we’ll end the night on a bad note and he won’t call for five days because he thinks I’m on my period or something. Then I get upset that he hasn’t called and…

Ohhh, no. I’m not ready for all that.

Too bad, honey, too bad. We’ve only had one date, let’s not motor down to this serious stage of the relationship already.

Maybe we’ll go out again — hell, maybe we’ll even go out for a few months. But I’ll tell you this much: you have a better chance of getting into my pants than onto my wall.

40 replies

  1. …Breaks out his 80’s dating book. Hey I don’t see any rules on social sites in here lol.

    An excellent blog with very valid points. I had a gf stalk me on myspace a few years ago and pull the ‘you have a lot of female friends ‘ etc etc. I got rid of her fast!

  2. I wholeheartedly agree. Fortunately, that’s why we can create friend groups on Facebook. If I don’t want a guy seeing my Facebook–which is unabashedly, shameless me & my thoughts–I put him in my “limited profile” group. Can’t see wall posts, status updates, tagged photos, half my photos. Just crap information. But I don’t have to worry about telling him we can’t be FB friends. And so far, none of them have ever asked me why they can’t see everything. So far, so good.

  3. Hilarious. I make sure not to add a guy I’m actually interested in on Facebook. This rule mainly came to fruition after a guy I was dating (but was not my boyfriend) posted a picture of me at his house and tagged me. I felt so special for 2.5 seconds as I marveled at the pic of him and I. Then I decided to look through the rest of the online album. The very next picture was of him and a girl at his house. I sent him an angry text message. Oh to be young and emotionally irrational again.

    And I’ve also added the clause I’m not allowed to Facebook stalk an ex. I did it for a long time and spent countless hours fostering jealously over someone I ended things with. Not cool. Not healthy. Loves this

  4. I’ve ran into issues with Facebook twice. No more. Had just met someone, maybe two weeks in, and she starts in with wanting to be my Facebook friend. I didn’t want to, but I eventually gave in. “Why do you know so many women?” It just went down hill from there.

    The second time I would just end up with a lot of sarcastic crap on my wall if I didn’t speak to her for a day for whatever reason.

  5. But that’s one of the levels of facebook flirting!
    If you’ve just met a guy and want to find out if he likes you, check your Facebook account in the morning. Did he friend request you? If the answer is yes, congratulations. You have been deemed cool enough to hang out again.
    http://bit.ly/aAlRbv

  6. Love it!! I actually made the mistake with Hot Single Dad and let him friend me immediately. When we split he called me to tell me that he was de-friending me on FB! Haha. Oh well, lesson learned.

  7. OMG, that was hilarious! I hope you don’t mind if I use your post as inspiration for my own blog post! But you’re absolutely right: no ‘friending’ of potential love interests! Although now that I think on this, there are a few exceptions of people that have entered grey friend/not-friend territory. I’ve had some friends who use FB as a dating tool! Friending guys they just met at a club to get to know better! *shudders*

  8. I couldn’t have said it better myself! I made the mistake of adding a guy I was psuedo dating way back in the MySpace days too. When I told him I didn’t want a boyfriend he went all crazy, un-friended me, and deleted his profile. Obviously he was very mature and ready for a relationship. Sigh.

    • Hmm, actually I deleted my profile after I broke up with Peter (the one that got away). But I had been wanting to delete my MySpace anyway. It was becoming a place for degenerates. So it was a good time for it.

  9. if it’s about seeing your shit.. I think you’re using the site wrong.. But I totally agree with their shit. Kids today have it hard.. have you ever gotten silently psycho on someones shit only to find out it was their three year old nephew or gay best friend or whatever other “totally not what I thought it was” misunderstanding. The skanky flirt was their sister or something.. the mind will wonder.

    • Exactly. It could be their sister, or it could be a chick he’s banging. And I’ll never know coz I can’t ask. Sheer torture.

      And no, I don’t post a bunch of shit on FB myself. That’s what Twitter is for 🙂

  10. The facebook profile is private, there’s pictures, people, wall posts and all sorts of information about you and your life. I totally understand you, and now and then I have to clear my friends list because I’m too nice to say no to some people. There’s a incubation time in dating before the datee gets invited to your page.

  11. This is really smart. I mostly date guys if we’re already decent acquaintances or friends, so usually we’re already Facebook connected — and I definitely do exactly what you described with the photos and other girls and…oh, it’s so bad. I need to take a leaf out of your book.

    • I wish I had decent acquaintances I’d want to date. At least then you know what you’re getting.

      Resist the urge to look!! Hide them from your news feed, it just makes you crazy!

  12. HAAH great ending. Yeah i’ve gotten myself into trouble with this one, and it drove my ex nuts. She was like, “why do you have all these GAL PALS!??” If a guy wants to be your FB friend early on it’s most likely because he wants to jerk to your pictures. So indeed, you made the right move.

    • LOL That totally explains the friend (who lives like 5 hours away and thus no possibility for dating) of a friend added me as a friend & sent the message…you’re soooo hot! At first I was like thanks…but I don’t really get the point of bothering…I know get the point. lol

      PS…I never add anyone I’m dating…it’s just asking for trouble…I’m all about the white lie and pretending I’m the only one they’re dating

  13. This is so beautiful. In fact, I was denied a friend request once from somebody I JUST shagged. And to be truthful, I didn’t like the guy at all, I was just being polite. And then, I was denied a friend request from somebody who I ended up not dating (and there was no shagging or even making out). He was pissed, I guess. And I know what you mean!!!!! That bit about a Jen is hilarious.

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