A Penis Story

sexWell, well, well. Welcome back. I knew you’d come. The time has drawn to answer the question: did she or didn’t she do the nasty with Tom on their 24-hour third date?

So come with me on this ride. I’ll skip the boring details about the pizza and the movie and get right down to the nitty gritty.

We were sitting on Tom’s sofa pretending to watch Juno (we all know popping in a DVD is just pretense for “we’re about to get busy”) when we started kissing.

Now, before the date started I honestly wasn’t sure if I was going to sleep with him or not. I was going to wait and see how things went, and if it felt right, I’d go for it.

The moment our tongues touched I felt a thunder from down under and I knew I wanted him. He was being all gentlemanly so I took matters into my own hands. I climbed on top,  straddled him and gave him one of my most sensual kisses. Hey, it’s been four months and I like sex, motherfuckers.

We moved to the bedroom, made out some more and began to disrobe.

The Reveal

Whenever I start dating a new guy, the inaugural penis unveiling is always an exciting event. The unzipping-of-the-pants and pulling-out-of-the-dong always makes me feel like a kid at Christmas. I’ve been waiting and wondering for weeks — now lemme see what’s in the package!

Will it be an anaconda or an earthworm? Will it be fat, skinny, long, short, curved to the right, curved to the left, big head, little head, veiny, wrinkly, what, WHAT?

I have seen a dick or 30 in my life, and I can attest that no two are the same. So tell me, Tom, what lies beneath?

anacondaI unzipped, pulled out and…

Anaconda, baby.

I’m talking holy Trojan Magnum XXL, Batman! I am quite petite and was seriously afraid this guy might split me in two. And truth be told, I’m not really a big cock aficionado. If I had my pick from a buffet-o-dick, I’d probably select a medium-sized one.

I’ve always viewed giant penises as more of a novelty than an indicant of hot sex. As in, “WOW, look at the size of that thing! Now, get it away from me!” They’re fun to marvel at but the sex isn’t always better and there is often pain involved.

Nonetheless, Tom was gentle and it was actually going pretty well. For a while.

Member Malfunction

We were going at it for several minutes until I felt what every woman has experienced at some point in her sexual life. All of a sudden, I was making love to al dente pasta.

I never know how to handle this. I used to get upset, thinking I just wasn’t turning him on, but I’ve read enough men’s magazines to know that it probably had nothing to do with me. I wore the sexy underthings and he kept telling me I looked hot, so I didn’t think it was my fault.

peenI could tell he was a little freaked out. He told me he recently started taking anti-anxiety meds and that his doctor said they might cause sexual side effects.

I was supportive and understanding. I told him I’d heard those drugs could in fact cause such reactions (I had) and we kissed and cuddled. But damn. I wanted to get my freak on.

I saw him again on Wednesday and we decided to give it another go. This time, he had no problem staying in the game… he just couldn’t bring it home. We tried a few things but alas, his wad was not to be shot. In fact, he said he hadn’t ejaculated in two weeks, even through self-love. The medication was clearly tampering with his system.

On the up side, I got a nice long romp out of it, but I felt bad for him. I want my man to shoot his wad. What can I say? I’m a giver.

It’s a bit of a quandary because he says the meds are helping him, but he wants to stop taking them if this is the result. We’ll keep trying but the decision ultimately has to be his. It’s not my place to make decisions for someone else’s mental health… or gargantuan penis.

So long story short: yep, I got laid!

Categories: True Story

Tagged as: , , ,

76 replies

  1. I used to have trouble climaxing because my penis had lost some of its sensitivity over the years. This would often result in the dreaded “blue balls” condition. My doctor turned me onto a penis health creme that contains acetyl L carnitine a few months back and I can feel some of my sensitivity returning. It’s great. Acetyl L carnitine is an amino acid so it is totally safe. These cremes are really helpful ladies and gents.

  2. Reminds guys they need to keep their equipment healthy for their partners. Using a first class penis health crème (health professionals recommend Man1 Man Oil) can help by fighting odor, dry/flaky skin, splotchiness, etc.

  3. One worthwhile addition is that larger “members” are more prone to ED issues as well. I’m saying this as a well-endowed guy–which I guess is bragging and humbling at the same time (hung but not as “verile”) haha.

    I can get the job done, and even worked in porn a few years back (full on San Fernando Valley style–legit with famous girls, etc.). However, I NEVER can get as hard as my more modestly endowed buddies. I have one friend I call the Energizer Bunny, and he lives up to the name. He’s in the average 6.5″ range, I’d guess.

    I’m 9 inches for the record. I’d say it’s probably just physics, and has to do with an increase in overall volume and need for blood once you had 30-50% more cock. Kind of makes sense…

  4. I’m on antidepressants and hypertension meds. I feel bad for Tom, but also relieved that I’m not the only guy with this problem. Thank you for sharing this story.

  5. Your blogs are absolutely hysterical! I have to be honest, I was a lil concerned at first when my boyfriend told me he followed a singlegirls blog, and/or singles/dating blogs for that matter. I mean why follow those blogs if you are in a committed relationship. After reading a few of your blogs I now understand comepletely. Not only that, I may now become totally addicted to reading your stuff!!!!

    It’s funny because you and Tom have had a few similar experiences as my bf and I have had, so it’s nice to see another’s perspective relating to similar instances.

    • Hi Denise, I am so glad you’ve enjoyed them, thanks!

      One of the most rewarding things about writing this blog is learning how others have undergone similar experiences and that I’m not alone in my craziness. Cheers!

      • May I ask which instrument he plays? Which restaurant in Burbank? Ha, well, there are a few other things you mentioned. Hopefully just a coincidence!!

      • I blog anonymously in part to protect the identities of the people I write about, so I can’t really divulge those details. I dated a musician a few years ago though, and he had very similar traits – sweet, passionate, big schlong. There are a lot of them in LA.

      • Oh, of course! I know. Other things aside from those traits and being a musician; when you mentioned Juno, the challenge/meds and that one comment about being bored while he slept and the timing of when you met. I accidentally found this site.You were suggested as someone to follow and as I was reading, my eyes bugged because it sounds all too familiar. Anyway, great blogging/writing!

        • Thank you! When did you guys break up? (BTW, we didn’t really watch Juno. We also didn’t eat in Burbank – I sometimes change names and insignificant details to maintain the anonymity. And the meds are a new thing. :))

      • We broke up quite recently. Really not that long ago. No, it was more like the examples you’ve been giving. I too would change names/insignificant details and I do when I am blogging as well. 🙂 Yes, the meds, he said was a new thing too when we met, but then I found out the situation wasn’t as new once we got to know each other better. My guy is a musician, but is not currently touring/playing out @ the moment.

      • snarf : when one is eating and is provoked by something funny which causes them to laugh and expel said food out of nasal passages; may also come out of mouth. also applies to liquids.

        dood i was eating my lunch at school and this chick said somethign hilarious and i totally snarfed sandwich all over the place

        source: urbandictionary.com

  6. It might be one of two things – a condom issue or a comfort issue. Some guys have a really hard (heh heh) time getting it up and or blasting with a jimmy hat. I might or might not be one of those. Maybe you guys can get tested and go bareback?

    The comfort thing is anxiety due to being intimate with someone for the first or second time. Then when you’re comfortable it’s all good. This has happened to me one or two times.

    So combine those elements. If he still can’t get the job done, houston we have a problem.

    • Well, the al dente thing might’ve been a comfort/condom thing, but fortunately we haven’t had a problem with that again. But the blasting part I’m fairly sure is the meds. He can’t even get himself off, and men are pretty much the experts at that.

  7. HAHAHAH this is great. As for size, I agree with mommasunshine – the big guys think the fact they have a ginourmous cock is a free pass to lay there. It’s the medium (read: normal) guys that are really in it. Personally I have a fear of small, little teeny ones. Eeek!

    • Well, fortunately, Tom is actually pretty good at it. So I guess I hit the jackpot. But I’ve had amazing sex with medium and even less-than-medium guys. Skill and choreography definitely count!

  8. Totally got laid last night for the win! I hope things work out alright, nothing like really really liking someone and make out a lot and then not get any.

    • Oh Denny. If I recall correctly you recently pointed to MC Hammer as your evil crotch twin. What was it? Smuggling a small Peruvian child in a banana hammock? You’ve nothing to sigh over.

      And I hope you know this is all designed to make you insanely jealous, my darling. I couldn’t just sit back and do nothing after you banged those slutty sisters Lambrusco.

      • Denny Dance doesn’t begrudge you enjoying passion’s sweet fruits–as long as it is with him.

        But I must be clear, jealousy is not an emotion that I have ever experienced personally, although I’ve heard it’s quite awful.

        And, for the record, Denny donated his amorous calling card six times last evening between seven different women.

  9. Aw, man. That’s a tough situation for all parties involved. And frankly, you get a gold star not only for being so understanding about the anxiety meds induced ED, but not making Tom feel even worse than he probably did BOTH times. And sometimes the side-effects are only temporary, so hopefully all the kinks will work themselves out (heh…) so that BOTH of you can let your freak flags fly!!!

  10. I’ve had my share of larger than the ‘norm’ and even the medicated. He should ask his doc if there’s stuff he can take that can assist with the ‘side effects’. There’s herbal shit (teehee) that can conquer the wad issues. 🙂

  11. As a meds-taker, I can assure you that those effects settle down after the body adjusts, and his wad-abilities will return!

      • I am afraid sexual side effects do not subside with SSRI usage. What is notable about the sexual side effects is that its the only side effect on a long list of SSRI side effects that stick with you throughout the duration. In fact, in rare cases, post SSRI sexual dysfunction can occur, so even after you quit you may have trouble. I am guessing several people will not believe me but this is info that is easy to come by folks.

  12. When it comes to the buffet-o-dick I prefer medium, too. Seems to me like the guys with the giant cocks think that just showing up is enough. It’s the guys that are a little bit insecure about their size that spend the most time honing their boning skills.

  13. child, it’s always one thing or another with men–I mean, do you want the explosion after the deed or do you want him to freak out & have an anxiety attack when there’s no more toilet paper on the roll? good grief!

    • Oh, honey, I’M fine – I mean, I’m personally happy to do without the mess.

      But I feel bad for him, I imagine it must be pretty frustrating. He said he’s all backed up. Poor guy 😦 But yeah, he has to decide which is more important. It’s really quite a pickle. Well, a hell of a lot larger than a pickle…

  14. Yay for getting laid but boo to the meds! Hopefully it sorts itself out soon… Btw, I also LOVE the reveal and agree on medium-sized as I’m petite, too 😉

  15. so like, re: al dente pasta night, he COULD’VE just helped you out…? My face went all scrunchy went I read that you kissed and cuddled…I would’ve been all “aw gee Tom that sucks…start licking.” But that’s just me…this from the girl who’s taken a vow of celibacy. meh.

  16. Anti-anxiety meds and an anaconda schlong? If this is a normal guy, suddenly I feel like a virgin again (and not in that crappy, totally lying “born again” way) 😉

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