Wax On, Wax OUUUUUCH!

Well, folks, hell has officially frozen over. I have done gone and got myself a new-fashioned bikini waxing. That’s right, kids, I’m bald.

In my first blog post, I lamented how before I was married, men seemed to be perfectly accepting of female pubic hair. Now, evidently, it is disgusting.

I protested bald punani for a long time. I was irritated that with all the torture we women put ourselves through to appeal to men, we had to add this to the list just to fulfill a silly male Penthouse fantasy.

I even tried to start a Twitter campaign to bring big bush back. Unfortunately, folks seem to embrace “retro” or “vintage” when it applies to music and fashion – but not hairstyles for your beaver.

In a rare (just go with it) lapse of sanity, I purchased a $20-off Groupon for a Brazilian wax at a posh spa in Beverly Hills. I had meant to use this before my Thailand vacation so I wouldn’t have to bother with shaving, but ultimately couldn’t find the time to do it.

The Groupon was going to expire this week so I decided to cash it in. I was grateful that at least I’m now sleeping with someone who might appreciate it, so it won’t go to complete waste.

The Big Rip

Tom, the sweet, sweet man, brought me to the appointment. We walked in and the place wasn’t posh at all. It wasn’t dirty or ghetto – it was clean and just fine, really – but posh would be a stretch. Note to non-Angelenos: just because an establishment has a Beverly Hills address does not automatically mean it is “posh.”

I went into the little room and the aesthetician seemed very nice for a sadist. I decided against the JonBenét Ramsey and instead opted for what those in the pube maintenance community refer to as “the landing strip.”

I haven’t the foggiest idea why this little patch of hair is called a landing strip, because nothing lands there. And if something does, then you’re doing it all wrong, girlfriend.

I climbed on the table and spread ’em. I didn’t care about a stranger handling my junk, but I was quite nervous about the pain – and rightfully so.

This woman began to vigorously rip out my pubes and I screamed the entire time. When I feel pain, I involuntarily and uncontrollably express myself vocally. Out in the waiting room, Tom feared I was being exorcised.

When it was all over, I took a gander at my abused little girl. It was about what I expected.

All right Mr. Flynt, I’m ready for my close up.

To the crazy bitches who initially agreed to this nonsensical trend, I would like to extend a giant FUCK YOU on behalf of pain-averse, muff-loving women everywhere. You really fucked things up for the rest of us.

51 replies

  1. Too funny, I was looking for a new post but I guess re-use and re-task and re-cycling are the rage right now.

    I must admit I do like the look of a trim beaver but for my personal tastes a Jon Benét is not necessary. Just hack back that undergrowth so a guy can see what he’s doin’ down south of the equator.

    Of course what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. I subscribe to a regimen of man scaping every now and then. Nothing is worst than having to come up for air when you have a curly stuck in the back of your throat. Am I right ladies???

  2. I used to be a strictly Brazilian girl, but in the last year kinda… quit. Entirely.

    I’ve never felt so alive as when I realized I could give my pubes a Kewpie-doll styling while soaped up in the shower. Bald pussy be damned!

  3. Been reading your blog for awhile tonight and I am cracking up! I want to try a brazilian, sort of, but I had my pits waxed once and wasn’t happy with the results (and the nasty hairy pits in the “getting ready” stage). The thing that gets me with shaving down there is the itching/razorburn…but I just hate hair (personal preference).

  4. You know I have never had a bikini wax, and after reading your post I don’t think I ever will. Very entertaining read but I can’t help but think you must be mad! Kudos on giving it a go though, will you be repeating the experience?

  5. bahahah glad i took the time to check u out finally! this is hilarious.

    Usually im well kept, i love the full brazilian because I like it its just easier when wearing a bikini..but i usually only do it as a gift to a very well behaved boyfriend lol they all didnt get it. i dont put myself through that pain if im the only one thats gonna enjoy it haha

    • Yes, I think I’m going back to my razor. I suppose cuts and razor burn win over the pain, expense, and in-between hairy stages involved with waxing. I swear to God, vagina ownership just blows something awful.

      • nooo dont go shavers!!

        wax all the way baby! there is a bit of pain but its worth it in the end. I will never shave down there, ever! wax on wax off susi spice. haha

  6. haha—I was recently discussing this somewhere else as well…

    The whole bald vagina thing is purely a timing based issue as far as I’m concerned…55 minutes after the waxing? Let me at it! 55 hours after the waxing? DANGER!

    I once went down on a vagina that was in that ‘in between bald and hairy’ stage—not only did I get road-rash on my chinny-chin-chin, but I felt like I was kissing a toothless cowboy the whole time…

    You’re all welcome for the visual.

    🙂

  7. Only had it done once a few years ago, but not a Brazilian and never would! I have a ridiculously low pain tolerance plus the most sensitive skin in the entire world. Redness didn’t go away for hours!

    Btw, highly suggest watching last week’s Entourage episode entitled “Hair” where both a famous person & I completely agree with you! 😀

  8. Ouch! Sorry that it hurt girlfriend! I was SO nervous getting my first one but I found this AMAZING place in Minneapolis called the Refinery. It’s only $30 and only takes 15 minutes. Maybe less. In comparison, a girlfriend of mine goes to Juut SalonSpa and it’s $60 and they take an HOUR. A) Why would I want someone ripping out hair for an hour and B) I would never pay $60! But I have a very low tolerance for pain. For me the benefits outweight the quick pain and I always think to myself, “I could be giving birth. That’s more painful!” to get me through. If anyone is in the MPLS area, I definitely recommend the Refinery. It’s right in Dinkytown on the U of MN campus.

    • What could they possibly be doing down there for 60 minutes? Is there a vag massage involved as well? That seems a little excessive. Fortunately mine only took 15 minutes, but it was not a fun 15 minutes. I paid $25 with the Groupon, but it’s normally $45. Doesn’t seem worth it.

  9. Yes, I do the landing strip, but I shave it (haven’t been keeping up with the landscaping during the celibacy thing, what would be the point? it’s neat and tidy tho) and it’s not a full Brazilian thing, cuz I only greet visitors at the front door, if you catch my drift. And if a man wants me to, my exact words to him will be “After you! Maybe we can get a couples rate?”

  10. I do the totally bald thing, or the Jon Benét Ramsey as you call it 🙂 I had a professional wax done once a month for a little over a year, my main complaint, besides the pain and the ingrown hairs, was that you had to let the hair grow out enough for the wax to be able to grab it before you could get it waxed again. Essentially, around week two my lovely lady parts began to resemble the face/neck hair of a homeless man, my husband at the time, and I started referring to my pretties as ‘the homeless man’ and thats where I drew the line. I started shaving, everything, everyday. It works better because it is clean and smooth each and every day and there are no ingrown hair issues. My opinion? Not that you asked, waxing isn’t worth it, just shave it. But don’t shave… ahem… in your bum, wax that part.

    Alright, I think thats all the interwebs need to know about my vagina.

    • Yes, totally! How is it worth it when you have to be hairy half the month and bald the other half? Shaving sucks too though. I guess it might be the lesser of two evils. Vag grooming just bites.

  11. I don’t think there’s as many that love the Brazilian as you’d think. The 70’s look may be gone but some of us DO understand the pain women go through in waxing, especially there, and are perfectly happy w/a decent ladyscaping job to retain our oral affections. Of course, guys need to reciprocate as well, IMO.

  12. Painful. Yes. Very. Been doing it for 4 years now… And EVERYTIME I’m on my way to my appointment, I dread it! Sometimes I skip a month because it hurts but then I miss it and go back. I’m addicted.

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