I Adore You, but I Need My Space

The other night, Tom and I got into our first little spat. Essentially, he complained that I don’t want to see him as much as he wants to see me.

And it’s true, I don’t. He wants to see me almost every day and that’s just a bit much for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t like him. I do – a lot. But I’m very independent and I’m not one of those people who needs to be with their significant other 24/7. (Wait… is he my significant other?)

Take these two situations:

Franka and Anthony: Siamese Twins

My friend Franka is with her boyfriend every damn minute of the day. They cannot do anything apart. I invite her to come over, she brings him. I take her out to lunch, he’s in tow. It’s like girlfriend has sprouted a 200-pound growth from her ass, and its removal is life-threatening. I like the guy a lot, but her inability to function without him annoys the hell out of me.

Joseph and Jocelyn: Separate Lives

I have another friend, Joseph, who recently married his sweetheart of seven years. When they were dating, they only saw each other on the weekends. I was surprised that two people who had been dating so long hung out so little, but apparently it worked for them.

Which is right? I think perhaps different folks have different expectations when it comes to relationships. There is not necessarily a right or wrong choice, but the two parties involved should be in agreement.

I think at this point in my relationship with Tom, an arrangement that falls in between the two situations above would be ideal for me. I’d like to see him perhaps once during the week and then hang out on the weekend (but not all weekend).

Unfortunately, Tom thinks if I really liked him I’d want to see him as much as he wants to see me. He says when he is with someone, she is his partner, and he wants to be with her all the time. I find that rather suffocating.

I Got Shit to Do!

space invadersI have a lot of crap to take care of during the week. Last weekend I didn’t get my laundry done because I was with Tom. I had to resort to wearing goddamn granny panties this week because that’s all I had left in the drawer. And I’ve got mail to sift through and a callous to PedEgg. I am sometimes bewildered that people hold full time jobs and still get domestic duties done.

And of course, I need to write! This silly little blog I’ve got here may be just that — but it’s important to me and I love writing. However, Tom doesn’t know about it, so how do I explain that I can’t see him because I want to write about him? That opens up a whole other can of worms. Ohh, mama. Not yet.

Maybe I’ve just been single for so long I’m accustomed to having a lot of time for myself, and I’ve come to value it. Maybe being in a relationship means you’re supposed to sacrifice some of your alone time to be with the other person. Maybe it’s just an adjustment I need to get used to.

Or maybe I’m scared shitless.

Is he a space invader or just a normal… b… boy… (c’mon, you can say it!) boyfriend? Whoa, the forbidden word! (We have not actually used this term, by the way.) I’m not sure how to resolve this issue of time, but I imagine a compromise is in order. Is this possible?

When we’re together, I have a wonderful time. I’m not thinking about the other crap I should be doing. But I cherish my me time, too.

Perhaps I should be grateful – I have a sweet, caring man who likes me so much he wants to be with me all the time. It could be a hell of a lot worse. I’ve had a hell of a lot worse.

I suppose I really shouldn’t be complaining at all. But then again, that wouldn’t seem right, either.

***

How much time do you like to spend with your significant other? How much is too much? How much is too little?

78 replies

  1. Yeah..i get that..i got divorced a year ago..i have two boys..firts my boyfriend stayed on his own but in what seemed like a blikn of an eye he moved in with me..so there it was..we work together..we live together..we do everything together..we recently moved into his house becaus paying my flat and his house seemde like wasting money..we are togehter 24/7..it gets to me..if i get up from the couch he wants to know where im going..i love the guy and i love being in his company..is it then so wrong to want just one day for yourself or then jus some space? Im a coumtry artist so i dont get time to practise my music..write songs or even play guithar..and artists that i knew from before i met him is now considered a no no..cause he is jealous..but in a healthy way..feels like my life and every move i make has to depend on him..and it is wearing me down..

  2. This whole blog just describes my situation to be honest. I love my significant other, but I’ve always loved my alone time.
    At the moment I see him around 3-4 times a week. At the beginning of our relationship this seemed to work, but as we’ve gone along he now wants to see me as many times as he can within the week. I explain to him that I have things I must do and that I like having around a 50/50 split of my alone time and time spent with others.
    He doesn’t have any hobbies other than his video games – if he’s not on his games he’s messaging me constantly as a boredom breaker. I have tried suggesting things to him to pick up as new hobbies but he just says he doesn’t have the patients…
    I feel like I am the bad guy for not seeing him all the time, but I can’t help who I am. I am an independent young women with a huge creative side and wants time to express her hobbies in between here 6 day a week job.
    Does anyone have any suggestions?

    Thanks guys
    And thanks for this awesome blog post :3 xx

  3. oh well, I’m happy I’m not the only one with this POV. No, I do not want to see anybody everyday. I like having my space. Too much ‘together’ time suffocates me. It’s too easy to get assimilated into another person’s way of life and you start forgetting your true self. And of course, I need time to draw.
    Love your write-ups btw. You rock!!!

    • Its great to know loads of ladies feel the same way. Me ex was the exact same way! Saw me every weekday after work. Saw me weekends too. I used to like to chill after church..just be lazy in bed or watch a movie on my own or nap but nooooo he just had to follow me home from church. We would meet b4 church so we could sit together. Go to my/his place after.. every freaking week.
      Everytime I brought my space up it seemed like I was the meanie. Even my female friends commented on how lucky I was..
      I began to think I was weird!

    • I’m going through the same thing which is what lead me here. My boyfriend and I have kind of different work schedules so we try and make time for each other when we can, but lately he’s been extra clingy like making a big deal if we can spend time together and pouting about it. And he just assumes that because there’s time to spend that I don’t have anything else to do so I’m just automatically spending it with him. Like if I do that then when will I get anything done? When will I see my friends? I don’t want to be that girl who just works and sees her boyfriend and then loses touch with everyone outside of that. I’ve been single aside from casual dating for almost three years so I have grown very accustomed to having my space and my time and being able to decide what I do and when. And I work 12 hour shifts and multiple in a row so sometimes I would like to be able to come home and get a bath and relax and not have to go anywhere and just be alone and sleep but he gets sad when I tell him that like he doesn’t understand. And then if I am over to his house and say we’re curled up watching a movie, if I move or readjust my self to get comfy he asks me what’s up as if wondering if something is wrong, and If I get up to go to the bathroom or plus in my phone and don’t tell him first (which I’m sorry I never ran it by him to use the bathroom?) he asks me where I’m going . Like I physically can’t move and he’s questioning it. I don’t know what to do but I’m feeling very smothered and its pushing me away. I know I need to talk to him and he’s such a sweet guy and I know he just cares about me but it’s a bit to much for me to handle and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

  4. Most of you say something that really has annoyed me in the past: I have important things to do. Does it mean then that your boyfriend is not that important to you? Or laundry is more important? I think you are not that into your guys or you don’t need to have a relationship at all because you will hurt some people’s feelings very badly. I am clingy with my boyfriend and so is he with me. We are compatible and that’s why we don’t fight about it. We respect each others’ duties and tasks and of course we allow boys or girls nights. But we experience separation anxiety when we are apart because we are very much in love. We live together too. I guess that all of you who claim that you want to see someone 1-2 per week are not planning to live together and have a serious relationship ever or get married. Because if you are tending to,one of you has to sleep in the guest room so that doesn’t suffocate the other one. I don’t understand you people.

    • Eva you’re one of the lucky ones in life. You’ve met your soul mate. I guess us other girls on here are still searching for theirs.

    • I think you are absolutely right. When I am in love, I can’t get enough of the person and ‘me time’ just happens naturally once in a while – but it’s not something I crave or use as an excuse to get away.

      But now I’m with someone who I feel is smothering me. He’s perfect on paper and we get along, but it’s clear that he is in love with me the way I was once in love with someone else. And I’m not in love with him, so I want to use the ‘smothered’ card. But truthfully, I think I’m just not that into him. If I were, I wouldn’t feel smothered at all.

    • I think the point is more, he is important, obviously, since if he wasn’t the girl wouldn’t be worrying about his feelings. But that the guy is not the *only* important thing to do. No one is saying laundry is more important than the guy. Rather, other things are important in day-to-day living and at a certain time, one thing whether it be the guy or laundry or something else, takes precedence. We all have our chores to do, and our hobbies, and shouldn’t feel compelled to drop those things or push them aside for anyone. We end up losing ourselves in the process, and where does that leave anyone?

  5. I’m having this problem already and I’ve only been seeing the guy for 4 weeks. I’ve lived with my beautiful twin boys (who are now 5) on my own in my lovely house for 4 years and I love my own space and when the boys father has them overnight, I love time to myself as it’s the only time I get to myself because I work 16 hours a week too. My bf wants to spend tons of time with me. I’m 38, he’s 37 and still lives with his mum and dad. I feel that suffocated that I’ve pushed him away and had 3 lovely days all focused on my boys and me and tbh I haven’t missed him. I’ve explained to him that I love my own space and he wants to see me one night this week to talk about it, but I’m not looking forward to it at all and thinking may be I’m meant to be on my own, just me and my boys. Help!! I need advice.

  6. From all the comments left here I’m guessing a lot of women have clingy boyfriends. I started dating a boy about a month ago and he insists on seeing me every moment he can. He works with me for about 6hrs, wants to see me after work, take me out to dinner, stay at his place (what makes it worse is that he’s still living with his family), and then expects me to want him over the weekends too. Because of this, my friends think I don’t want to talk to them and they’re drifting away.
    He’s THE nicest guy I’ve been with and I don’t know how to tell him I need space without him getting all pouty and upset. Texting me at least 6 times a day to say he loves me and misses me is driving me insane. I’m starting to think I’m falling out of the relationship!
    I love him, but I don’t want him breathing down my neck. I don’t know if he’s insecure or overly-dependent, but I’ve always been anxiously introverted and don’t like all this closeness.
    Help?

    • Wow ! Interesting and helpful reading this ..I met this lovely man 3 months ago and we quickly realised we liked each other a lot and within 3 weeks were getting intimate and saying we loved each other .We are both 56 yrs .I was scared of dogs and he has 2 dogs under a year old ..a Doberman and a German Shephard …but as they came as a package with him …Inhad to get used to them being in most dates ..so must datedms were daylight hours ..and many of them dog walking ..it was Summer and I live beside the sea and he is from a city 1 hour away .I am widowed and my husband died 8 years ago ..he had cancer for the year before he died and had an affair 2 years before that and we stayed together with the help of councilling but my love became just friendship and caring role ..it made me very independent and my widows allowance is security for me …so have often thought I wouldn’t marry again as I need that security ! We have 7 kids ..from 35 yrs , 33,30,29, 26,25 – 11 yrs …3 adopted and the smallest one she is from Ethiopia ..I have slot of stuff to do during the week with school routines now and after school stuff etc like her classes as well as house work , grandkids and garden , friends etc….but I was so thrilled to meet such a gorgeous handsome guy who lived and adored me and wanted to spend as much time with me as he could ! That was great as we met in the summer at weekend and midweek and when we became intimate he would come down for weekend which eventually came to be Fri morn – Min afternoon …and then midweek ! I was finding it too much when school kicked in and tried to say it so he cut out the midweek sleepover and came for the weekend but between Monday and Friday was so hard to catch up on stuff .He is separated 15 years and his 2 boys 27 and 30 have steady partners and have their own places and his mom is in a nursing home 2 years .He was living with a woman for 4 years til last year and she broke up with him ! So when I was feeling the pressure of time etc and I said it to him last week that I just needed a bit of space some weekends to just do stuff with my kids and my 11 yr old and catch up with others and housework …the sh-t hit the fan and he stormed away on Sunday really mad with me and was silent all week even though I told him I still lived him and just needed a bit of space til we all got used to this new relationship etc …but that I still wanted to see him , rmralk to him each day like we did etc when we weren’t together ..3-4 times a day …and I messaged him that during the week …he rang me today after a week and said he had been so hurt and let down and angry and he doesn’t want to meet at the moment and will ring me again next week ..He says he had a lot of stuff went on in his life in the past year and needs to sort stuff and his life out ! I told him I really love him and miss him …I don’t know if he is withdrawing from me because I asked for space and hurt him or because he sees that he has to sort stuff in his life or both ! He took early retirement as he has a heart attack a few years ago but the doc says he is in good health now after surgery but he does a bit of radio shows but otherwise since I met him would spend e wry minute with me if he could holding my hand and being beside me ! While it felt good to be adored like that I felt that I was under pressure and was neglecting my kids ( they all liked him and he them ) and my duties and just needed to get my stuff done …without a shadow ! Now I am scared I may have lost him !! Hope he isn’t just ringing me next week because he feels sorry for me ! I told him today on the phone I love him very much and miss him …He didn’t say it back to me ! Have I lost him …he will probably ring me next week after he has his weeks space ! Should I not contact him at all ? No text or anything !? A week is like an eternity

    • Oh my gosh! I have always had anxiety and lately I have been feeling completely smothered by my boyfriend which leads me to panic! I have been trying to think if it could be anything else but after reading this post and your comment .. I’m sure of it.. It’s him making my anxiety go into overdrive. Ugh. I don’t know what to do. 😔

    • This is me. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I love him but I love my company most times. I don’t understand why he insists on calling me 3ce in a workday. I never even get the opportunity to miss him. He calls me before the thought even pops up in my head.

  7. Thank you thank you thank you for making me feel I’m not the only one going through this! I registered purely so I could express my gratitude . I like to think its because we aren’t needy… And that we are self sufficient. X

  8. This is just me in a blogpost! I just googled this as me and my boyfriend are falling out over him wanting to spend more time together and bobarding me with stuff like ‘If you love someone you’d want to spend more time together not less’ but if I’m honest I can’t remember the timeI haven’t been with him unless it’s one night! Anyway I put our conversation on hold to find an answer from none other than google! And thank you I found here! I guess all I need to say is that I’m and independent person and that I value our time together, but when I’m with him I put off all other important things! Like a compliment sandwitch… 1st you say how you value the time spent together 2nd you say the bad: How you’re independent and you need time for you 3rd you say that when you’re with the person the time you sepnd is so amazing you forget about all other important things! Yay thank you!

  9. Im a guy and my girlfriend has split up with me because of this reason, I dont want to suffocate her in anyway I want her to live life, but is it too hard to let me know what you’re doing. I loved her to bits, but i hardly speak to her and she only has time with me probably once a week, and that day I’m never to sure of until the night before.
    I guess as a guy, most of the time you hear girls want too much attention from guys, I thought I could be that person. I’m worried especially during the early stages that if I dont see her or have the “honeymoon period” of getting to know the true her, I may find out too late. I’m head over heels for her right now,I tried my best to back off, but I just want to now what shes doing, maybe I could join in just to see her sometimes.

  10. I found your blog by googling “boyfriend invades my space”. I have always been a really independent person and my last relationship was a “we live separate lives but sleep in the same bed” kind of deal…now that wasn’t ideal either, but I got used to my freedom. My current boyfriend, who I love to bits, and I are now living together and he seems to think that the second he’s around I should drop everything to be with him. I am SO behind on my thesis it is unbelievable, but when I say I have to go to the library all weekend (to catch up on the work I’ve missed on all the weekends I have spent with him) it’s like he gets jealous and makes me feel guilty that I don’t want to spend time with him. It’s not like working on my thesis is something is rather be doing all weekend, so I resent the guilt he makes me feel for that…but that aside, I’ve explained that I haven’t seen my friends in months because when I’m not working on my thesis…he monopolizes my time. I totally feel like I’m suffocating. Thing is, he doesn’t even like going out so when we’re together he just wants to sit on the couch and watch movies. I am going nuts. Maybe my case if more extreme than yours, but if you feel this way now…I don’t think it’s going to change. Try talking to him about it. I try with my guy but he just doesn’t get it. Maybe you could get yours to at least help you do your laundry? You’d still be spending time together…productively!

    • Thanks for the comment, hun. I think some guys really just think it’s all about them and just want you around to cater to their needs. May be narcissistic personality disorder, methinks.

      • I’ve dated my bf for 20months now and ever since we started dating he has always been those kind of guys who want to be with you every single day and hour…it’s frustrating at times I don’t wanna tell him so that I don’t hurt him buh keeping it from him gets me hurt instead and when I do tell him he gets all emotional and leaves without saying anything..its not that I want my time alone to do stuff at times i just want to be alone

  11. You could not have described my life any better. I read your post 3 times and still think its funny but so true. I wonder what happened in there previous relationship and did they do the same thing? They cant seem to understand that women have a lot of things to do and having someone over everyday day is time consuming and makes me loss my concentration to important things that have to get done. Thanks so much for your blog.

  12. You actually just described my boyfriend to the T. I too am behind on laundry and well overdue for a manicure because my new boyfriend wants to spend every waking moment with me. It’s super sweet but like you said, I need some me time. Thanks for taking the words right out of my mouth!

  13. I’m with you. I’m just starting on the path and I’m the kind of person who likes the once, maybe twice during the week, and then hang out some on the weekend, but not the entire weekend. I definitely want time and space to myself.

  14. Take it from me – never, ever let Tom see this. At least, not until you’re ready to ignore his existence completely or spending so much time with him that he won’t get his dick out of joint over it.

    • Oy. Yes, I suppose if we get super serious then eventually I’ll have to tell him. Have no idea how I’ll do it or how it’ll go down. But I’m not ready to tackle that just yet.

  15. I see my bloke quite a lot. If I’ve got a spare evening, then we’ll often do something. But while we were both travelling, as in 24 hours a day spent in each other’s company for 4 months, I did get a bit claustraphobic – mainly because blogging with him in the room was impossible. Not that I was writing about him, but even just having ‘me’ time with my laptop and feed reader was interrupted by him wanting to show me something or tell me something.

    But on the flip side, I’ve also been with someone who didn’t want to see me that much at all. *I* was the one complaining that he never wanted to see me. I definitely prefer being in demand to being the one demanding.

    • Yes, I need to be alone when I write. Otherwise it’s hard for me to focus.

      But I absolutely, 100% agree with you — it’s way better to be in demand. I’ve experienced the other side as well. That’s why in some ways I feel like I shouldn’t complain.

    • Oh god! This is the exact reason I can’t get my thesis done. I have a perfectly good desk at home but it’s the wanting to “tell me something” or “show me something” crap that annoys the hell out of me. It’s like every 5 minutes too! “I’m sorry I know you told me to go away but this is hilarious”…granted it sometimes IS hilarious whatever stupid YouTube video he’s found this minute…but it’s not NECESSARY! I think he has ADHD lol. Maybe I should slip him some Ritalin on the sly? (jokes).

    • that doesnt make sense if you once complained about wanting more time why are you here blogging. what that means is that you were into the guy that didnt give you time, and not that into this guy that wants time with you. you acting like you dont now all of a sudden dont like someone wanting more time an like you somehow dont get it just shows how screwed up you an most woman are you guys wont just say the truth hey i aint that into you. its a mathmatical equation if your into someone or find your soul mate you will want more time i dont care who you are if you dont want more time just means your just not that into him or here period. and when you woman say i have laundry to do or my nails or feet really lol i am a man an i can do 3 large loads of laundry wash dry fold an put away same day in a few hours. nails hr feet hr even if you do it in one day do it on your day off learn to be organized .if thats the problem but it aint. if your into him or her you will do anything anytime if your not you wont do the littlest tiniest things for them it will seem like such a burden.

  16. Twice a week, just once during mon-fri feels too little for my taste, but I like my me-time too, so I understand you both. Can’t you come up with some sort of agreement? I mean, you can take care of your stuff, like laundry and making phone calls and sorting through stuff even if he’s there, if he’s not the demanding type.

    Just hanging out, fixing your own stuff while talking and being in close proximity to eachother doesn’t prevent effectiveness, it just brightens it a little. I’m sure he can surf around or watch a ball game or something 😉

  17. If I had to choose between the two extremes, it would be once or twice a week… But if Im in a relationship, Id prefer a bit more balance and be with my guy a few times…not just weekend dates, but also have lunch together or be able to see each other for a bit when we get the chance.

    Every day or anything close to that would be maddening though…I dont want anyones world to revolve around me, Id just want us to be a part of each others lives.

  18. Ok, that’s it. No one wants you wearing granny panties for the sake of a relationship. This is very upsetting.

  19. Solitude and privacy are such overlooked pleasures. Growing up in a large family, going to college, getting married, starting my own family…until now I have never indulged in or had the privelage to be mistress of my own time and space. I hate to make wide sweeping generalizations, but it seems like men are uncomfortable with solitude.

    • if you have read your bible you will know two very important things one god made man in his image then after some time of observing him that is Adam he that is God said it is not good for man to be alone i am going to make a compliment of him so he made the woman. from a rib of the man. thats why this one will be called wo man cause this one was made from man. further God said an get this ladies cause the world has it backwards. I made woman for the benifit of man i did not make man for the benifit of woman an that is in the bible thats gods words not mine if you have a bible an want to read it for yourself let me know i will give you chpter an verse. be careful reading the truth may sting a bit.

  20. ahh u sound like my sister haha. shes like that.

    Im an inbetweener. I like time apart and lots of time together. that way when you are together you have something else to talk about. 24/7 in each other’s pockets can be frustrating but i dont mind spending time with the person im with. Im slightly extrovert so i love being around other ppl and having lots of stimulation. But i do appreciate at least 2 nights a week to myself you know to do all those girlie things nails, up keep etc you know hehe.

  21. Ugh. He should be taking the hint. I have no patience for people who can’t stand being alone, or doesn’t at least respect that in other people. Not a good sign single girlie!!

    • Dumps, why haven’t you called me today? It’s been nearly 9 hours. You haven’t texted or emailed either. I mean, what’s the deal? I thought we were bros? Wanna hang? I Pricelined a Delta flight from JFK to Phoenix for $277. Should I buy it? You can pay me back later. Actually, I’ll just use our joint AMEX account. Platinum! Didn’t I mention that? Sorry.

  22. I’m totally with the once during the week and more on the weekend. Dude needs a life! The happiest couples I see have separate time for themselves, their SO, and their friends. Keeps a balance, you know? Plus you need to have stuff to talk about when you’re together. Next time, bring him along on all the errands and stuff you need to do and see how long he insists on spending 24/7 with you 😉

  23. I’m totally the wrong person to answer this question…because I don’t want a boyfriend…sure I want to date and have fun and be cute and do sexy things and all that jazz…but I don’t want to give up my me time…don’t want to have to even consider giving up my me time…if I want to do laundry…then i do laundry…no biggie…and frankly…no lie…I haven’t met a guy that really makes me stop wanting to do laundry (I think we’re talking about laundry still but also not)…so in closing…I think it might be a bit too soon for you to make your “final decision” on whether or not Tom makes you want to not do laundry…but think about it like this…if your option was no Tom and laundry…all the time in the world for laundry…or Tom and granny panties on tuesdays…what would you pick?

  24. The past relationships I’ve had were usually 2x during the week plus majority of weekends. Friends in current relationships seem to be the same for the most part. I’m the type of girl who WANTS to spend 24/7 with a guy…but I know that’s not right and it will drive me crazy. But the ability to discuss that situation is KEY! One guy friend is like Tom & wants to see his gf ALL THE TIME…she said no so they have a schedule. However, he doesn’t have a life outside of her which is sad. Need to balance 🙂

  25. I learned the hard way in marriage that you HAVE to have your own time to do things and maintain a certain amount of that once your in a relationship otherwise it can become suffocating for the two of you.

    I think once a week plus the weekend is more than enough. If you want to move in or something he’ll get what he wants later. Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re attached at the hip, IMO.

  26. Different strokes for different folks. As long as both folks communicate and are happy with the decision they’ve made together, it’s no one else’s business. It’s the “I like you, I really like you. But I need to make sure I get my own shit done, and that means we need to find a balance” conversation. If two people can’t have this conversation openly and honestly, it doesn’t bode well for future conversations of even greater importance.

  27. yeah…or maybe he’s a needy whining mess that needs to stfu? you tell that smothering sonofabitch (his mother is a bitch, I met her last week) to ball up and shut up, you are not his mother, and thank god for that…her ass is HUGE! If he wants mothering maybe he should go suck on his mother’s teat…

    LoL?

    Sorry I don’t know where that came from. Butyeahno, you need your time and I don’t think it’s cool for him to just expect that you should feel ok about him trying to hijack your life…and the emotional blackmail is annoying…”if you really like me you would…” FUCK THAT! That’s retard talk!

  28. I’m with you on this one… one or two nights during the week and some of the weekend would be ideal for me. I have other things I need to get done and I don’t want to have to entertain a man while I’m trying to do it… and men get really whiney when you’re attention is focused elsewhere while they’re around.

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