Relationship Milestone: The First Poo

Poo*TMI Alert* *TMI Alert* *TMI Alert*

Once again, I have written a post that contains more information than some people would care to know about. So I have this handy little alert system to forewarn readers who are faint of heart. If you don’t want to know about the status of my bodily functions, move it along and quit reading now. But if you’re sick like me, enjoy!

***

Every relationship goes through a series of noteworthy “firsts”: first kiss, first penis unveiling, first “I love you,” first fight, first breakup, and so on.

But there is one pivotal yet oft-overlooked milestone that unequivocally cements the relationship as “serious” and brings it to a new level of intimacy:

The first time the girl does a doody at the dude’s house.

This is a very big deal. Women will hold out on it for as long as possible. If left up to us, our fellas would operate under the illusion that we just don’t do that.

When I’m dating a new guy and he visits my home, I always hide my bathroom reading material because I don’t want to suggest an image of myself reading Charles Schwab’s On Investing while planting one in the porcelain.

What? I only use the toilet for number one, sweetie. Don’t be gross!

And I most certainly am not going to do my business at the guy’s place – there’s just too much at stake. If I’m in the bathroom too long, he’ll know what’s going down. And we mustn’t ignore the questionable sound and scent factors that could give it all away.

In the initial stages of dating, few things are more humiliating than a man finding out that we actually make caca.

Everybody Poos

Of course, deep down, both sexes know this is ridiculous, because everybody poos.

Beyoncé poos, Laura Bush poos, Zac Efron poos, Osama bin Laden poos and the entire cast of Glee poos, too.

So why are we so ashamed? Sure, it’s not a particularly glamorous act and it does involve a rather foul-smelling odor — but it’s something every single one of us does every single day of our lives (if we’re lucky), and have since the day we were born.

Still, most women would rather risk a ruptured colon than drop a stink bomb in a guy’s john.

Eventually, of course, the ruse must be exposed. You start spending entire weekends with your new boo, and there’s only so much mass a sphincter muscle can hold back.

(Oddly, for me, when I’m with a guy – even for a few days – my subconscious must secretly tell my bowels to suspend any action, because I don’t even get the urge. I’m not holding it – I just don’t have to go. Same thing happens when I travel. Weird.)

Where was I? Oh, yes, the ruse must be exposed.

Last Sunday at Tom’s place, after spending the weekend there, I finally mustered up the courage to do the doo. Tom was (somewhat disturbingly) supportive and encouraging.

After my performance, I emerged from the bathroom and made the announcement like a proud two-year-old who made her first poopy in the potty. Tom was elated and gave me a giant hug. His parents both gave me high-fives. Just kidding, they weren’t there.

Later that day, Tom one-upped me and took a crap with the door open. That really wasn’t necessary.

I think I’ve proven that I’m serious about Tom. I’m quite certain I’ve gone above and beyond the call of doody (I couldn’t resist!). Just don’t, under any circumstances, ask me to change my relationship status on Facebook.

Categories: True Story

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43 replies

  1. I have been talking to this girl by text for
    Ages now and we had only met a few times, once properly hanging out at my place, but she has recently gotten her first flat so I stayed there yesterday and even though it was my first time there I took a huge massive steamy shit! And I loved every second of it, nothing in my life will ever fill the big hole left by this magic feeling this poo gave me. Everything must be ok though because she wants me to keep coming back Infact even live there, so looks like the first bombs off ww3 will be dropped earlier than we all thought. TIMBERRRR!

  2. Hmm…that girl who ran blocks to avoid using the communal toilet in apartment with live-in boyfriend? That was me. If you think it’s nuts, you’re right! It ain’t fun or easy, by any stretch of the imagination.

    Thankfully, I have evolved, and now with my new man turned husband, I have no problems whatsoever in that department.

    I think I know what caused the major shift in my psyche. True story: the guy I dated just before I met my husband was more uptight than me. We dated briefly and on our first weekend away together, I used the bathroom first and – horror upon horrors – forgot to flush! The guy pointed out my error and proceeded to try and make me feel bad on top of being embarrassed. After that weekend, he just fell off the face of the earth – no more calls, didn’t return my calls, emails, nothing.

    Imagine the poor woman who gets him for life?

  3. There’s something wrong with me — this doesn’t phase me at all. If I have to go, I go. I’ve never held it in b/c I’m at a guy’s place. The same is true for peeing in front of him. I do NOT, however, take a dump in front of him. I have limits, man!

  4. Hrmm…maybe this is where I went wrong with my ex? LoL! In 3 years I never ever poo-ed at his place. Ever. Subconscious withholding I guess? Thats it…next time I go over to his place Im gonna show him Im serious about him, do the deed and get our relationship back on track! Eh…on second thought, probably not. 😛

  5. amazingly funny! my brothers and i always talk about this phenomenon when we are dating girls and can gauge how serious it is if one of us has gone through the ‘poop stage’.
    just stumbled upon your blog, its hilarious and very entertaining. i might even subscribe.

  6. Oh no you didn’t! I really hope you were being sarcastic about him cheering you on and then doing his business with the door open. You don’t have to go making a big “thing” of it… lol. Eew.

  7. bhhahahaha
    1. notice that hardly any men have commented yet…
    2. he did it with the door open!?? omg do you people in the US not have exhaust type fans in the bathrooms???
    3. what about gel toilet deoderisers/cleaners or anti-odour sprays?
    4. I have more chemicals in my bathroom to kill and re-kill germs and odours
    5. doors must ALWAYS be closed be it for the man or the woman
    6. Turn on the exhaust fan… haha
    7. Do NOT leave the door open for everyone to see
    8. DO NOT leave the door open for everyone to see
    9. Close the door
    10. CLOSE THE FRIGGIN DOOR!

    hahaa
    that is all..

    • I agree—that’s just wrong, come on Tom, more class, less ass…

      First you poo…
      Then he poos with the door open…
      Then you 2 do the ol’ poo n’ screw in the can…
      9 months later, a kid named Poo is born…

      Don’t let this prophecy become fulfilled like Denny at a Full House reunion—tell Tom to ‘knock that shit off’…

      🙂

      • I like that, RY, “more class, less ass.” It’s going to be my new slogan.

        Is Poo really a kid or just a 9-month old turd that was too backed up?

        I would love to see Denny in a three-way with Bob Sagat and Uncle Jesse. Let’s make that come true.

  8. Hooray for poop-capes! Way to go! It’s been over a year since I’ve dated anyone seriously enough to think about the poop issue. I’m actually not scared of that…like other commenters, my farts are WAY worse!!

  9. It’s different for me with different people. With bf, even in the beginning, I felt so comfortable with him because we’re laidback and like “You get what you see.. and smell.” with eachother. But sure, since we lived like 20 seconds away from eachother, I did nr 2 at home for the most part.

    Nowadays he poo’s with the door open or when I’m showering sometimes, just to save time or we’re in a conversation or whatever. I would never poo with the door open, but I have no problem doing the “So, do. not. go. in there.”. I even left a floatie once (he’s done it too), and it doesn’t bother me. But it kind of does bother me that it DOESN’T bother me. Hmmm….

    And I have totally not changed the status on facebook, even after 1½ years. That shit’s a jinx dude.

  10. I’m the same! I remember going away to Barcelona with a guy for four nights and five days and I actually didn’t need to go. Not once. I loads of yummy Spanish food but nope, never needed to go. Like you said, it’s a subconscious thing.

    And…. ooooooooooh *said in a childish teasing tone*, you are no longer “Single Girlie” it seems. Well done you *applause*.

    x

  11. Wow. You take shits so early in the ‘ship! I don’t…I can’t…my mouth is foul enough, if I add poop to the mix I’ll never keep a man.
    P.s. I’m totally gonna pretend that the girl on the toilet is totally you and I’m gonna picture it every single time we tweet each other…priceless.

  12. Too funny! Love it! I’d rather take a crap than fart though. Especially because ****TMI ALERT**** I tend to get gassy when I’m nervous! So if I’m nervous, I’m gassy, and it’s just a bad situation all around. All of my friends know this fact therefore when I’m on a date I usually have a few texts or get a couple jokes the next day about it. Haha!

  13. Hmm I must be weird. I don’t really stress about going #2.. well unless I know its going to be smelly.

    However, informing him of my bodily functions.. yeah I’ll hold out about that for as long as possible.

  14. Firstly can I just say the idea of a TMI early warning system is just genius. Readers faint of heart, beware! Etc.

    Secondly, the line “His parents both gave me high-fives. Just kidding, they weren’t there.” made me spit my Diet Coke over my keyboard at work. My colleagues are looking at me strangely… But I’m definitely working. Definitely.

    Thanks for the entertainment!

  15. I’m cracking up! I once knew a girl who lived with her boyfriend & didn’t poo in their apartment when he was there for months. She would run a few block away to Bloomies to do her business instead. Crazy!
    Nice job on the poop 🙂 Great milestone

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