A Lame Post

LameI don’t know what to write. But it’s Thursday night. I’ve made a commitment to write one blog post per week, tomorrow’s Friday and I’m spending the weekend with Tom.

It’s not that I don’t have anything to write about. I could write about the top five best songs to fuck to – a post I started a couple weeks ago. Or I could write about why people cheat – a request from a reader. Or I could write about the  reservations I’ve been starting to have about Tom.

But the thing is, I don’t really want to write about any of that. I am spent. Work has been a serious motherfucking cocksucker. And I’ve been thinking too much about my relationship with Tom. I feel like my head is going to explode.

Alright, here I go. Tom is moving way too fast. He demands so much of my time, has already said the L word (no, buttmunch, not lesbian) and wants to move in together. It’s only been two and a half months.

He’s also broke, irresponsible with money and has a crazy streak in which he goes apeshit when something pisses him off. He’s usually a super duper nice guy – to me, to waiters, to store clerks, to everyone… until something sets him off and he turns into a scary circus clown on a bad acid trip.


I experienced this last week when we got in our first major blowout. He fought mean and raised irrational arguments. I thought it was over. Then he apologized a trillion times for being such a jerk. When I saw him on the weekend I initially had serious doubts — but then we had a wonderful time together.

Except for that one time, he’s incredibly sweet. He opens doors for me, always drives, hates to let me pay (despite the broke-ness), hugs and kisses me all the time, tells me I’m beautiful 20 times a day. He’s romantic as hell and I adore the way he treats me when we’re together. No one has ever treated me so nicely.

He’s also a giant goofball like me and doesn’t seem to mind that I dance like a special needs child in the grocery store.

And the orgasms… Oh, my, the orgasms.

Why does he want to be with me all the time? I can’t be that charming! I’m feeling pressured. Sometimes I really feel like the guy in this relationship.

Maybe I’m the one with the problem. Maybe this is why I’m single. Nobody is perfect, are they?

Fuck this shit. I don’t like writing like this. It’s lame and whiny and boring and trite. I don’t want to use this blog to vent like a bitch.

I decided to write stream of consciousness and this is what came out. Finger vomit. Because, ya know, I’m typing.

A Bright Spot

Oh! I do have some good news – Tom finally shot a wad! A lotta wad. Wad all over the place. He reduced the dosage on his meds and now he’s like a Super Soaker 5000.

Maybe now he’ll relax a bit.

I’m out. Sorry for being such a lame-o. But I do feel a little better. If you’re a first-time reader, please click on some of my other posts. They are much better.

And here’s a little bit of awesome for you in an attempt to redeem myself. You won’t be sorry you watched this, promise.

20 replies

  1. Thanks for all your comments. I hate this post so much I don’t even want to leave individual comments, like I usually do. As it stands right now, things are groovy with Tom and I. Being in a relationship is a new thing for me; I think it just takes some adjustment. And patience. 🙂

  2. OK so i know I’m super late to the party and this issue is probably already resolved, but Tom is starting to sound JUST like my ex, Bald Deadbeat Tattooed Guy. He moved quick, couldn’t hold a job, was a little helpless and i totally bought into the caregiver role. 1.5 years and several thousand dollars later, I have to tell you: run.

  3. This is a pretty typical scenario. Normally I see girls forgiving a guy’s mooching and issues because she is attracted to his “alpha” traits. But it sounds like Tom isn’t consistently providing that: prematurely saying he loves you, apologizing a thousand times, etc. My guess is that you’ll naturally start feeling more attraction for other guys in your life soon (if you haven’t already…), and gradually less for Tom. Moving in together would be a mistake.

  4. Had a boyfriend who acted like that. always up my ass, always with the i love yous, loses his shit over stupidity, irrational etc.

    I finally realized that he was a needy insecure baby handytard…I think it was shortly after he glued a wig on his head, but that’s a whole different story.

    tread carefully darling.

  5. I wanna say something, but theres not much I can say that everyone else hasnt already said! So I guess Ill just sum it up. I see red flags in the L word this soon, wanting to move in this soon, and a biggie for me cause my ex had this problem, the anger outburst followed by a million apologies blanketed by incredible charm.

    To be honest though, you already lost me at broke. I need a guy who can hold his own!

  6. sweety i agree with the first comment RED flags…

    trust me.. broke, wants to move in this quickly already said the L word?? he saw SUCKER written across your forhead…how do i know this? i was this sucker in my last relationship. I earned a lot more than he did, he pretty much lived at my house contributing very little if anything towards all my expenses not even recognising my expenses, helped him to try get a better paying job etc wrote applications and resumes… etc etc..

    I am never again going out with a man who hasnt got his shit together. We all have our set backs in life but if I can overcome mine to hold my own and stand on my own two feet then sure as hell the man im giving awesome sex to better at least be at the same level as me. I give first class of myself to the man i love I sure deserve it back.

    learn your worth my girl.

  7. I agree with nando. While there’s no science to these things, I believe in following the seasons before making major decisions.

  8. They say to always wait until you’ve spent 4 season with a person before you move in with them–and before you say YES TO THE DRESS–always wait until you’ve hit at least 4 orgasms–but that’s just my Mexican math.

    I kinda go apeshit too when it comes to feeling disrespected–I’m working on it–but I don’t think my bf is ever afraid of me–neither should you–so ask yourself, self, “Am I afraid when he goes crazy circus clown” and if not–then proceed with caution–and have fun! We all have bad habits.

  9. I have never heard anyone say they ignored all the big, red flags they were seeing (such as the ones you listed) and it worked out great.

    Trust your gut, girl.

  10. So, in the beginning, my ex was sweet, charming, romantic, paid for our dates, said all the right things, swept me off my feet. He had just moved back to town and was staying with a friend while house hunting. This turned into him somehow moving in with me very quickly, and I later discovered he had serious financial problems, some crazy ass mood-swings which turned out to be caused by some unaddressed mental health issues, and was seriously sketchy. The guy ruined my life, but he was just so damn charming I couldn’t resist.

    That should explain why your post raises so many red flags for me. I would be seriously re-considering this guy.

  11. Hmmm,

    Great post! It’s good that you have a great time together and you can share poopy moments. I don’t know about the temper though, hopefully him ejaculating will cure his burst of anger.

    I don’t agree about the moving in though, sounds needy. C’mon Broke + Needy = Doesn’t add up. All I can say is last thing you want is to take care of his adult ass, like mommy. I don’t know Tom but obviously your intuition is telling you something since you wrote this post.

    Hopefully you find a solution to the moving in part.

  12. So not a lame post! I am excited for you with Tom BUT the reservations you have are very much warranted and they would worry me too – especially the temper. But you are smart, you know what you want and what works and what won’t so I trust that whatever happens, it is for the best! And uh, hooray for orgasms 😉

  13. Aw, he’s not in lesbians with you? Damn! 😦

    Seriously though I do that, I overthink things. Have a mental health day. Hell, take two – it’ll clear it all up for you!

  14. A post is a post. And you know what? I really enjoyed reading this! Good luck with Tom. New relationships are always weird/messy/awkward…but fun. Enjoy your weekend! 🙂

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