Hoochie Halloween

Oh, come on. Ladybugs don’t wear legwarmers.

I didn’t dress up for Halloween last night. Why? Frankly, I’m over it.

What was once a day observed for children to panhandle for candy and throw poo bags at neighbors has now become an excuse for women to dress like sluts and men to dress like women.

Now, the idea of men dressing like women I rather like. Let guys get a taste of what we gals go though to look beautiful. My ex once dressed as a woman for Halloween and he bitched and complained all night about his feet hurting. From a two-inch chunky heel, mind you. Shiz, those are my comfy shoes.

As for the women dressing slutty, I’m not sure when this all started. As a child, I have no recollection of mistaking regular adult women for prostitutes.

I think it began some time in the 90s. I remember going to a Halloween party and seeing a woman sporting nothing but a red bathing suit that read “Baywatch” across the chest. My friends and I laughed at her and figured she must be desperate for attention.

Little did we know it was only the beginning of Hoochie Halloween.

I really don’t hold it against women who do the Halloween ho-down anymore, because these days, it’s almost as though we don’t have a choice. It has now become status quo to don a costume that displays every square inch of flesh save for nipples, buttcrack and landing strip.

Not to mention, there is a lot of pressure to sex it up on this day. I mean, if every other chick at the party looks like this:

You might feel a bit dowdy turning up like this:

No one wants to be the cow at a hooker parade. You may not be desperate for attention, but you won’t get any attention in this getup. Men simply wouldn’t respond to a costume like this. Yes, your teats are exposed — but there are four of them, and that’s a little scary for men. Even on Halloween.

And if you’re in a relationship, you gotta keep your man’s eyes on you and not on the tsunami of tits coming at him from every other direction. That’s right, the relationship bitches are often the trampiest of all the Halloween floozies.

The whole ordeal has just become a bit ridiculous. So that’s why I pass on Halloween.

Yes, yes, I know. If my self-esteem were higher I wouldn’t give a shit, rock the cow costume if I wanted to and feel good about it. But give me a break. I live in LA. Women wear stilettos to Rite Aid.

And I know it’s sometimes fun to let your hair down and be sexy for a night. I do it, too. But if I dress like a slutty cop, slutty bee or slutty Snuffleupagus, I’m simply conforming to a trend I deem silly and will just blend in with all the other boobs and bare midriffs bouncing around.

I prefer to dress like a big ho on my own terms, not because a holiday tells me I should. Unless, of course, it’s Easter.

But There’s a Bigger Problem

In all honesty, the reason I don’t dress up for Halloween actually has little to do with my nonconformist nature or my gross insecurities.

Do you want to know the real reason I don’t play the Halloween hooch?

Because it’s fucking COLD.

It’s almost November, for crying out loud! I know I live in Southern California, but I’m the girl who shivers in her hooded parka when everyone else is sweating. I’d freeze my ass off wearing next-to-nothing at a bone-chilling 62 degrees. I certainly wouldn’t enjoy myself.

For me to go out on Halloween, I’d need to dress up like a grizzly bear to keep warm. Unfortunately, a search for “women’s grizzly bear costume” produced these results:

Sigh.

It just wasn’t meant to be. So I am sitting at home on All Hallows’ Eve, writing this blog post in my very unsexy, very warm, leopard-print Snuggie.

64 replies

  1. I would rather get the attention of a guy who prefers a funny or witty Halloween costume than a typical “slutty” one. It is lame. Although I have decided to dress up as a Mean Girl for halloween, which is a slutty mouse costume “I’m a mouse, duh!” will be my line for the entire night. I just love that movie.

  2. I think I already commented on this, but don’t have my glasses on…. But, I can’t believe you are not on my karaoke activity partners list…. I swear I thought you were on there, but I might have gotten all jealous of your thing with my man… you know who I’m a’talkin’ about. But, I can share. And I’m adding you right away.

    XOXO – KAP

    • Whassup huns? Things are actually quite good. We hit a couple speed bumps but right now things are very okie dokey. And I can’t wait for Asian Dogpile to take off! We’ll be bigger than Winger.

  3. SG u could have dressed up as Osbama Binrack (hehe)and gone around handing out Fatwas and declaring Jihad on all the infidel sluts at the party!

    hehe

  4. Single Girlie,

    Consider me hooked on your writing.
    Great timing on the cow picture. And as far as the Easter comment goes-brilliant.
    Halloween is definitely the holiday for slut-gear, that’s for damn sure.
    If you need a partner next year, I have some experience with cow suits.

  5. Who said anything about quitting?

    Denny Dance still in full motherfunkin effect, me lady.

    I’ll still rock that body right…on these boards. And I’ll be back to full posting in a few weeks.

    But boobie pics may make my come back sooner. Just sayin.

    Your man,
    Den Den

    • I agree! I’m no stranger to slutting it up on occasion. But not on Halloween. On this day, I find it to be so utterly UN-creative! Especially those pre-fab “sexy cop,” “sexy nurse,” “sexy maid” costumes. When I dress like a big fat ho, I’m gonna stick out like a sore thumb! 😉

  6. I normally HATE HATE HATE dressing up for Halloween. I find it’s an excuse for the slutty girls to be slutty and no one will say anything to them. Except I do (under my breath of course). Me and my friends did dress up this year but we had a rule – no slutty costumes. No “slutty nurse” or “slutty cop”. Blech…

  7. I didn’t do shit for Halloween in the way of the dressing up either. Let’s hold hands and mock some hoochies. (Or at least laugh at them in the morning when they realize they have the onset of a pretty gnarly headcold?)

  8. Of course you know, had you worn the cow costume you would have had to endure all the comments about what nice teats you have.

    Udderly outrageous!! I know right.

  9. I was trying to explain to a girlfriend about Slutoween in the states, and I don’t think that I really drove the point home. It didn’t help that I don’t know the word for ‘slut’ in French. But now I am going to shoot her an email with a link to this post, and you can do the explaining for me! You rock my world in so many ways.

  10. whatever happened to the good old fashioned halloween costumes?? witches and ghouls and vampires and other some such?? ..costumes that DO NOT require one to go quasi-naked… *sigh*

  11. I so AGREE!! I spent last year’s Halloween in London, dressed as something between a black angel and a zombie, with fake blood all over the place, no make up to cover my well-deserved black rings under my eyes and black clothes that covered me up for a cold (and windy) november night in London. And among my friends, I wasn’t the only with the dorky-costume: a friend of mine dressed up as a big, orange pumpkin. Yeap. I think that’s worse than a cow! And there we were, surrounded by slutty bees, slutty cow girls, slutty firewomen, slutty… anything. Seriously – how do they manage to hold up for that? I was still freezing…!!
    Mind saying, some guys DID come to chat us up – despite big orange pumpking!

    • Well, I’m glad to hear you were able to pull, despite the non-slutty costumes. Although, maybe the guy talking to the pumpkin was really just hoping for some pie. OK, that was bad.

  12. I have to agree with Leah Michele, I live in Winnipeg, Manitoba quite rightly called one of the coldest city’s on the planet. If I were to take you to a Halloween party here now I am thinking the cow costume would be just the start of the layers you would need.

    But I am sure that once we got a couple of shots of anti-freeze into you and dancing that we could find some appropriate and not slutty Hallow’s Eve garb.

    Great post as always, and for the record I like the girl in the cow costume she has nice eyes and the other girls look like they are trying to hard. LOL

    • Again, meet Heather a few slots below.

      I agree, they’re trying too hard. Why do so many men fall for it?

      And I don’t know how you people live up there? I’d never leave the house.

  13. Now, you see, I’d want to meet the guy who’d want to chat up the girl in the cow costume – she looks cuuute and you have to admire a girl who can handle looking like a dork in a sea of Barbies. Yeah, that would take a pretty cool guy to get that.

  14. omg YESSS, I totes agree! Thank you for articulating so well everything I dislike about this “holiday”, and for making me laugh out loud in the process 🙂 xox

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