I didn’t dress up for Halloween last night. Why? Frankly, I’m over it.
What was once a day observed for children to panhandle for candy and throw poo bags at neighbors has now become an excuse for women to dress like sluts and men to dress like women.
Now, the idea of men dressing like women I rather like. Let guys get a taste of what we gals go though to look beautiful. My ex once dressed as a woman for Halloween and he bitched and complained all night about his feet hurting. From a two-inch chunky heel, mind you. Shiz, those are my comfy shoes.
As for the women dressing slutty, I’m not sure when this all started. As a child, I have no recollection of mistaking regular adult women for prostitutes.
I think it began some time in the 90s. I remember going to a Halloween party and seeing a woman sporting nothing but a red bathing suit that read “Baywatch” across the chest. My friends and I laughed at her and figured she must be desperate for attention.
Little did we know it was only the beginning of Hoochie Halloween.
I really don’t hold it against women who do the Halloween ho-down anymore, because these days, it’s almost as though we don’t have a choice. It has now become status quo to don a costume that displays every square inch of flesh save for nipples, buttcrack and landing strip.
Not to mention, there is a lot of pressure to sex it up on this day. I mean, if every other chick at the party looks like this:
You might feel a bit dowdy turning up like this:
No one wants to be the cow at a hooker parade. You may not be desperate for attention, but you won’t get any attention in this getup. Men simply wouldn’t respond to a costume like this. Yes, your teats are exposed — but there are four of them, and that’s a little scary for men. Even on Halloween.
And if you’re in a relationship, you gotta keep your man’s eyes on you and not on the tsunami of tits coming at him from every other direction. That’s right, the relationship bitches are often the trampiest of all the Halloween floozies.
The whole ordeal has just become a bit ridiculous. So that’s why I pass on Halloween.
Yes, yes, I know. If my self-esteem were higher I wouldn’t give a shit, rock the cow costume if I wanted to and feel good about it. But give me a break. I live in LA. Women wear stilettos to Rite Aid.
And I know it’s sometimes fun to let your hair down and be sexy for a night. I do it, too. But if I dress like a slutty cop, slutty bee or slutty Snuffleupagus, I’m simply conforming to a trend I deem silly and will just blend in with all the other boobs and bare midriffs bouncing around.
I prefer to dress like a big ho on my own terms, not because a holiday tells me I should. Unless, of course, it’s Easter.
But There’s a Bigger Problem
In all honesty, the reason I don’t dress up for Halloween actually has little to do with my nonconformist nature or my gross insecurities.
Do you want to know the real reason I don’t play the Halloween hooch?
Because it’s fucking COLD.
It’s almost November, for crying out loud! I know I live in Southern California, but I’m the girl who shivers in her hooded parka when everyone else is sweating. I’d freeze my ass off wearing next-to-nothing at a bone-chilling 62 degrees. I certainly wouldn’t enjoy myself.
For me to go out on Halloween, I’d need to dress up like a grizzly bear to keep warm. Unfortunately, a search for “women’s grizzly bear costume” produced these results:
It just wasn’t meant to be. So I am sitting at home on All Hallows’ Eve, writing this blog post in my very unsexy, very warm, leopard-print Snuggie.
Categories: In My Most Excellent Opinion
I would rather get the attention of a guy who prefers a funny or witty Halloween costume than a typical “slutty” one. It is lame. Although I have decided to dress up as a Mean Girl for halloween, which is a slutty mouse costume “I’m a mouse, duh!” will be my line for the entire night. I just love that movie.
“You don’t want to be the cow at the hooker parade” might be the funniest thing I have ever heard…
And it’s the truth! 🙂
I think I already commented on this, but don’t have my glasses on…. But, I can’t believe you are not on my karaoke activity partners list…. I swear I thought you were on there, but I might have gotten all jealous of your thing with my man… you know who I’m a’talkin’ about. But, I can share. And I’m adding you right away.
XOXO – KAP
Aw, shweet! I’m beaming 🙂
What’s up hooch? How’re things? How’s Tom?
Whassup huns? Things are actually quite good. We hit a couple speed bumps but right now things are very okie dokey. And I can’t wait for Asian Dogpile to take off! We’ll be bigger than Winger.
SG u could have dressed up as Osbama Binrack (hehe)and gone around handing out Fatwas and declaring Jihad on all the infidel sluts at the party!
Ha! Awesome! What a brilliant idea. Next year…
Consider me hooked on your writing.
Great timing on the cow picture. And as far as the Easter comment goes-brilliant.
Halloween is definitely the holiday for slut-gear, that’s for damn sure.
If you need a partner next year, I have some experience with cow suits.
Thanks, love! Experience with cow suits? I’m afraid to ask. But I will… huh?
Who said anything about quitting?
Denny Dance still in full motherfunkin effect, me lady.
I’ll still rock that body right…on these boards. And I’ll be back to full posting in a few weeks.
But boobie pics may make my come back sooner. Just sayin.
You are too legit to quit, my mucho macho Den Den. I suppose limited Denny is better than no Denny. I will wait for you.
You want boobs? I’ll give you boobs. Now getchure ass back, pronto!
SNUGGIE! I didn’t see a single Snuggie costume this Halloween! You are always ahead of the curve, Single GG
Well, ya know. I do what I can 😉
“For me to go out on Halloween, I’d need to dress up like a grizzly bear to keep warm. ”
LOL. That’s funny, coz I was actually quite serious!
i concur on so many levels. bottom line, it’s too fucking cold! how do these women do it?
I honestly don’t know. Probably copious amounts of alcohol. But even still, I couldn’t do it. I’d surely turn blue and die of frostbite. It’s just not worth it.
we can dress as sluts whenever we want! Why not take one day and show the world how “creative” we women are!
I agree! I’m no stranger to slutting it up on occasion. But not on Halloween. On this day, I find it to be so utterly UN-creative! Especially those pre-fab “sexy cop,” “sexy nurse,” “sexy maid” costumes. When I dress like a big fat ho, I’m gonna stick out like a sore thumb! 😉
I normally HATE HATE HATE dressing up for Halloween. I find it’s an excuse for the slutty girls to be slutty and no one will say anything to them. Except I do (under my breath of course). Me and my friends did dress up this year but we had a rule – no slutty costumes. No “slutty nurse” or “slutty cop”. Blech…
Good for you, girl. Fight the power! Fist pump.
I’m totally over the slut-a-thon that is Halloween. And I’m a man for christ sake. That means it really IS old.
WOW. That is awesome news! How do we get the word out?
I didn’t do shit for Halloween in the way of the dressing up either. Let’s hold hands and mock some hoochies. (Or at least laugh at them in the morning when they realize they have the onset of a pretty gnarly headcold?)
Consider it done 😉
Those are the most disturbing “grizzly bear” costumes ever…the one with the teddy bear is especially creepy!
Right? They can’t even leave the grizzlies their dignity. Poor bears.
Of course you know, had you worn the cow costume you would have had to endure all the comments about what nice teats you have.
Udderly outrageous!! I know right.
That wouldn’t have been much different than any other night out in LA. 😉
And aren’t you the punny one?
I love my little avatar dude….what’s with the tail????
Ummm, I think it helps with balance?
This is why I dressed as the Chilean Miner’s mistress. I wore tight jeans, big hair, lots of revlon, and some pearls. Oh, and a tiara.
I felt good about myself, and men got to see me in pearls.
You should feel good about yourself, Vodka, because you are the cat’s pajamas in your Revlon and pearls. And I hope you dumped that dickhead miner and got yourself a man with a real job.
@Vodka: No costume?
@Single: You dressed up as a sexy pizza delivery woman. Trust me.
Did someone order a sausage pie? Oh, that was me.
I was trying to explain to a girlfriend about Slutoween in the states, and I don’t think that I really drove the point home. It didn’t help that I don’t know the word for ‘slut’ in French. But now I am going to shoot her an email with a link to this post, and you can do the explaining for me! You rock my world in so many ways.
And you mine, Ms. Man-shopper! Together we can help educate women around the world about tacky, asinine American culture. As if we needed any help…
whatever happened to the good old fashioned halloween costumes?? witches and ghouls and vampires and other some such?? ..costumes that DO NOT require one to go quasi-naked… *sigh*
I’m not sure what happened to those. I miss them, too. But I’m certain you can find a slutty witch, slutty ghoul and slutty vampire costume at any Halloween Headquarters.
I so AGREE!! I spent last year’s Halloween in London, dressed as something between a black angel and a zombie, with fake blood all over the place, no make up to cover my well-deserved black rings under my eyes and black clothes that covered me up for a cold (and windy) november night in London. And among my friends, I wasn’t the only with the dorky-costume: a friend of mine dressed up as a big, orange pumpkin. Yeap. I think that’s worse than a cow! And there we were, surrounded by slutty bees, slutty cow girls, slutty firewomen, slutty… anything. Seriously – how do they manage to hold up for that? I was still freezing…!!
Mind saying, some guys DID come to chat us up – despite big orange pumpking!
Well, I’m glad to hear you were able to pull, despite the non-slutty costumes. Although, maybe the guy talking to the pumpkin was really just hoping for some pie. OK, that was bad.
I have to agree with Leah Michele, I live in Winnipeg, Manitoba quite rightly called one of the coldest city’s on the planet. If I were to take you to a Halloween party here now I am thinking the cow costume would be just the start of the layers you would need.
But I am sure that once we got a couple of shots of anti-freeze into you and dancing that we could find some appropriate and not slutty Hallow’s Eve garb.
Great post as always, and for the record I like the girl in the cow costume she has nice eyes and the other girls look like they are trying to hard. LOL
Again, meet Heather a few slots below.
I agree, they’re trying too hard. Why do so many men fall for it?
And I don’t know how you people live up there? I’d never leave the house.
I prefer to keep my uber-slutty outfits in the bedroom. 🙂
My, my, my! Looks like Single Girl Blogging just might serve as a stellar matchmaking service. The guy underneath you (snicker) feels the same way. Have fun, you two 🙂
I’ll pass on seeing slutty anything…save that for the bedroom thank you.
Aren’t you a sweet pea? Your momma taught you right. Or your poppa. Or your aunt. Or whoever raised you.
OMG, THANK YOU! I was out Saturday night looking around wondering “when did Halloween turn into SlutFest 2010”?!? When the drag queens in Soho have more on than you, it’s time to cover up!
Ooh, that is a bad sign. Even if they are snipped.
Now, you see, I’d want to meet the guy who’d want to chat up the girl in the cow costume – she looks cuuute and you have to admire a girl who can handle looking like a dork in a sea of Barbies. Yeah, that would take a pretty cool guy to get that.
Welllll, there is a certain cool guy named Bob up above who likes the girl in the cow suit. Heather, Bob, Bob, Heather. Discuss.
Ha, that’s funny… I wonder whether people have ever met and hooked up after sharing their ‘innermosts’ via the comments section of a blog?
Love it! Single Girl Blogging is the new match.com. And it’s free! For the time being.
omg YESSS, I totes agree! Thank you for articulating so well everything I dislike about this “holiday”, and for making me laugh out loud in the process 🙂 xox
Thank you! I am glad someone else doesn’t feel the need to boob & butt it up 🙂
Try living in Minnesota, last night was COLD, for sure under 40 degrees. It was 30 degrees this morning. TOO COLD TO BE SLUTTY.
Wow. I feel bad for the actual sluts. If you’re gonna be a streetwalker, Cali is the place to do it.
It’s getting harder in LA tell the prostitutes from the chicks going to the bar….
SO true, especially in Hollywood. How does an honest to goodness prostitute distinguish herself these days? They must feel cheated. It’s a good thing Craig’s List came along.
Prostitutes work so hard – they should be paid more. Don’t they have a union or something?