We Broke Up

I broke up with Tom.

This may sound sudden, because I hadn’t really written about our problems. It just didn’t seem right to do so. But we had them — almost from the beginning.

He is a wonderful man and I love him. He made me laugh. He allowed me to be silly and was silly right back. He was the most affectionate, demonstrative guy I’d ever dated, which I adored. He told me he loved me several times a day. He was passionate. He was chivalrous. He made me feel special.

But we had very little in common and couldn’t see eye to eye on many different issues. We were polar opposites in terms of politics, religion, music, movies, and education level among other matters.

We argued a lot, and when we did, it often got ugly. Very rarely was the problem at hand resolved. Rather, it was swept under the rug.

Our issues were impossible to work out, because in most cases, neither of us believed we were doing anything wrong. For example, I thought he was mean when we argued, he thought he was just expressing his feelings. He thought I was too structured, I thought I was only making loose plans.

Who is right? It doesn’t matter. If neither party thinks their behavior is broken, they can’t (or won’t) fix it. For a while, we both really tried to change, but ultimately, it just wasn’t who we were.

It’s not an issue of him being wrong or me being wrong. We’re just wrong for each other. And it makes me so sad.

We fought on Friday. By Saturday, he wanted to make up, although we never did settle the argument. However, I had already made up my mind.

Right before Christmas, we had gotten into a tremendous, ridiculous blowout. But we’d made all these holiday plans, so we stuck it out. I told myself the next time we fought I would end it. This was it.

I went to his place on Saturday to talk. We discussed everything that was wrong. We weren’t a good match, we had nothing in common, we viewed relationships – and the world in general – differently. It was all true and we both knew it.

I sobbed uncontrollably. He said he didn’t want me to leave. I didn’t want to leave. So I didn’t. He kept telling me how much he loved me. I stayed with him that night and we made love in the morning. Afterwards, he took a nap.

I was still in love and didn’t want it to end. But I knew if we continued, we’d just be prolonging the inevitable and would wind up hating each other months, or years, later.

Two hours later, he woke up. I leaned over and softly told him it was over. He seemed to think it was sudden, even though we’d discussed it the night before – many times, actually. I wept as I kissed his salty face, squeezed him tight and said that I loved him.

It was one of the few times I’d ever seen him silent. I collected my things and left in a hurry. I was afraid if I didn’t go quickly I’d change my mind. I cried all the way home.

All I can think about is my last image of him, lying in bed naked with sad eyes, looking stunned as he watched me walk out the door. And now, as I am writing this through tears, I miss him so much.

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Categories: True Story

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46 replies

  1. i am still crying
    it is a beautiful sad masterpiece you have written
    the veeeery exact thing has happened to me
    actually.. it all happened yesterday
    we are in love with eachother but… i believe in god,he doesnt
    and about education… oh tell me about it..
    it is sooo hard to forget everything
    people used to say we were the best couple ever
    but they didnt know how much suffering lied in our joy
    we looked at life very differently
    i like all kind of people and i really care about them
    i believe in freedom in relationships
    in trust
    i dont know why he feels so insecure..
    its hard
    very hard
    but thank u 4 what you have written.

  2. 😥 </3 this is such a sad storyy!! im crying my heart out right now cuz the same thing happened with me and my ex. we were together for 9 months n they were the best 9 months of my life. we both knew it wouldnt work no matter how much we loved each other but we had to move on. we have soo many memories together n it makes me sad and i miss all those moments that we spent together. we both miss each other veryy much but we knew it was best for the both of us. there are times i wish i could just turn back time but i cant, its heartbreaking but it must be done. this video relates to us so much (and we're both asian) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItjnF7Q9IrU&feature=related. watch it~ he posted this on his facebook. i acted like i was over it and that i have moved on and it wasnt a big deal to me that we broke up but honestly it killed me inside.
    we're still friends but we know it will never be the way it was…

  3. New reader to your blog. I think saying “I love this post,” doesn’t sound quite right since its so sad so I guess I should say I loved the writing. I felt like I was right there, in that room. And could feel the sadness, the tears, the emptiness. Which is awful. But amazing that you could evoke that in others from your words. So sorry that this is happened. Break ups are AWFUL. I did prolong one once and caused more pain and more heartache and wasted a lot of time. Stick with your guns. Real love shouldn’t be so hard. Cheers, T.

  4. Breaking up is without a doubt, the WORST feeling in the world. I overuse “best/worst in the world”, but here, I mean it (and I almost posted this on the fart post, which totally would have killed the lighthearted mood in that comments section). The good news is you’re closer to finding something that does work.

  5. awwwwwwww…that sucks, but considering what I just read I feel you made the right decision for you and I’m glad for that….and sad. I hope you’re feeling a little bit better. Surround yourself will family and friends and you’ll pull through. xoxoxoxo

  6. Hey guys, thanks so much for all your comments and words of encouragement — I read all of them and appreciate your support. I’m sorry I haven’t responded individually — I just don’t have it in me to relive it. I am coping okay. It’s been really hard but I’m still pretty sure I did the right thing. I think.

    Hugs to all of you. You rock.

  7. Oh don’t I know how you feel I spent 3 and a 1/2 years with someone whom I didn’t have that much in common…make up sex was the best part…how sad is that?

  8. I’ve got a girl that I love to death, but she drives me nuts with her insecurities. I feel like she’s looking for a way out, but doesn’t have the balls to do what you did. We have incredible passion and sexual chemistry that’s kept us together, and keeps us coming back for more. It’s going to be hard to let her go, but I feel like I have to or she’s just going to end up driving me nuts and/or leaving anyway in the end. All you said was “It’s over” gave him a goodbye kiss and hug, grabbed your stuff and left?

  9. I feel like I am going through the exact same thing right now. I just haven’t had the strength to take the leap and actually end the relationship. I love this man and want to marry him so badly, but I just know that I can’t because we aren’t right for each other no matter how much we want to be. I know that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I can handle the hurt, I will somehow. But, I don’t know how I’ll be able to handle hurting him on this level. How did you do it? How did you summon the courage and find the right time (even though there never seems to be one) to actually say what you had to say.

    • I had told myself before Christmas that the next time we fought I would end it. Our fights got pretty nasty. We got into another argument and I had already decided what to do. I knew if we stayed together we’d just make each other miserable in the long run, and didn’t want to waste any more time. Hurting him I think was the hardest part, but ultimately, I knew it was the best for both of us. Good luck, girl.

  10. same thing with me… thought I was getting over it, but now after reading this I’m sad again.

    moreso for you, than for me… because you have to go through it too. =(

  11. awww…I too am so sorry to hear this, moreso because you are hurting and sad and missing him, even though you know it was the right decision. Hang in there, ok? XO!

  12. It’s tough when you have to break up with someone you care about, but you just are not a match for. I’ve been on both ends. You have to remember that you are helping the both of you in the long run. There is no easy way to break-up with someone, but doing it in person at their place is the proper way. Things will get better over time

  13. Wow! I’m so sorry to hear this… Crazy thing is, you described me and my boyfriend… Problem is, I’m too scared to break up… Glad you were so strong! You know what’s best for you!

  14. My God, our stories are so similar. I broke up someone who I was desperately in love with because, essentially, we spoke two very different languages – he was a software developer and most comfortable when communicating in code (yep, a proper hard core geek!), but we had an intensely passionate relationship with some real sweet spots you know? Finishing it was my absolute worst pain and it took a very long time to move on.

    My heart goes out to you and that poor guy. If you are anything like the way you write (and really, you can only be) then he must be in pieces, right now. But what a beautiful way to end – if you’re going to do it, then let be with love, right?

  15. That is horribly sad. I am sorry.
    I did the same thing with my ex, and I still love him, eight months later. But I know it wasn’t meant to be. And I still cry every time I really think about it.
    My heart goes out to you in this difficult time…

  16. These are the things that make us stronger people later in time. These are also the things that make other people’s “advice” sound silly. Time is really the only healer. Hang in there!

  17. I am so sad for you 😦 To love someone and yet still know it won’t work. A less strong person just stayed, not done what was right. *hugs*

  18. Breaking up is never easy to do, It’s a cliche but it’s also true.

    It does seem that you have thought through all of your feelings in a rational way and although it’s hard now you’ll be a stronger person because of it. You did it for the right reasons and not just on a whim.

    The heart wants what it wants, we can’t change that. Cry and grieve. If you need support know your friend in the north has your back.

    Courage.

  19. I’m very sorry that you’re hurting, but not sorry that you broke up. It’s better now than later, but of course, you know that already and knowing it doesn’t make it any easier.

    A few bottles of wine and a girls night does tend to help, though. 🙂

    xoxo

  20. Aw shit honey. I’m sorry.

    It sounds like you did the right thing – if you fight a lot, but neither thinks they should change, it’s never going to. You’ll just continue down that path.

    But. Just because it was right, doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. Life and relationships are not clear, as we all know.

  21. I just went through the very same thing for the very same reasons on NYE. I had given myself until the end of the year to make a decision. It is for the best, though the pain will linger and make us question our decisions from time to time, it just wasn’t mean to be a “Forever” thing. Hugs and I wish you a quick healing.

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