I really missed Tom this weekend. Strange, because it was jam-packed with activities: happy hour on Friday, Chinese New Year parade and dinner with friends on Saturday, Super Bowl party on Sunday. Friends always tell you to stay busy after a breakup, and I did. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
Maybe it’s because weekends were always “our” time together. Or maybe it was being around all the couples at the party. Or maybe it was because I hadn’t talked to him in five days.
Maybe it’s because he had stopped trying to get back together with me.
Then on Monday, he called. He asked if he could take me out for a drink. After a weekend of longing for him, I meekly agreed.
I was excited yet nervous about seeing him. I missed him, yet I still felt pretty certain breaking up was the right thing to do. About 85% sure.
We had a lovely time together, as we usually do. He told me he missed me every five minutes and kissed me every two. It didn’t feel right because we were technically broken up, and I didn’t want to just fall back into our old ways without addressing our problems.
But he kept acting like we were still a couple. Perhaps he thought if he acted that way, I’d just go along with it and we’d magically be together again.
I tried to bring up some of our issues and how they might change, but he didn’t seem to want to change. He told me I needed to change, too, but when I asked him how, he didn’t answer. He just kissed me.
It was at this moment that we were interrupted by a drunk guy who told us he had just urinated in a planter. We took this as our cue to leave.
He dropped me off and I didn’t invite him in. We bid adieu without resolving anything. He texted me the next morning saying he enjoyed spending time with his baby.
This would be much easier if the good stuff about our relationship wasn’t so good. But the bad stuff… the bad stuff was, regrettably, very bad.
Although I honestly don’t know where this is going, I remain 85% sure we should not get back together. But that 15%, man. That 15% is a real bitch.
Categories: True Story
Hi SingleGirl. COuld you update me on how you are going. Have you seen Tom again? I actually just went through very similar break up. We were sexually attracted to each other, got along really well, same interests, but we also had huge fights (very nasty and aggressive though not violent against each other). He finally said we would never work and left me. I love him with all my heart and saw the cracks but am lost with what to do 😦
Sweetie, it will get better. I promise. Sexual attraction wanes. Fights will get worse. You don’t want to be in a relationship like that because years later you will be miserable and hate each other and wonder why you didn’t get out sooner. It will hurt for a while but you will be okay and you will find someone else. Good luck.
Stay strong! Easy for me to say, and I know hard to do. This was my pattern for a long time with each of my ex’s as well. I didn’t like the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” because frankly I thought although the premise was a good one, it wasn’t written in a way I could relate to at all. BUT his second book “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken” he wrote with his wife and it helped me a lot during my last very difficult breakup. Music, ice cream, friends, and feeling each happy and sad emotion as they come will also support you through this. You are a wonderful person who deserves EVERYTHING you are looking for, not just 15%. 🙂
Unfortunately,heart and mind are rarely in agreement, and our gut has to be the unfortunate buffer. I have a Mr. Big situation that has been off an on for over a year and a half and still can’t get it together. Sigh. Good luck missy.
Ahh. I had an on-and-off guy for a year that ended last year. Sadly, it didn’t end well. Good luck to you, sweetie.
This is a bitch and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I hope you can hold your ground and keep on keepin’ on without him… because it doesn’t sound like this is a match that’s going to work long term.
Good luck in whatever you do. 🙂
Thanks, sweetness. True… it’s just not a match. Sigh.
Don’t we all go through this. Break ups are so hard especially when they were so good at times. The only person we can change is yourself, and I’m afraid that if he is not willing to talk about your differences then he is not ready to change…I have been here and it feels so good to be in the in between but it hurts more later when it is really over…take your time…I watched sex in the city a billion times it made me feel better…I will never figure out men…hang in there
There is something about Sex & the City that makes me feel better, too. I’m so glad it’s on every night now on E!
Single girl: You should get the DVDs cause then you get to see all the nudes! Which always makes me feel better as well!
I will tell you that his attitude has not really changed. Frankly attitude is everything in a relationship. Relationships are two way but Tom wants to wait till you “change” before he thinks about his change. He wants you to mold to him rather then you both molding together.
Ultimately giving in for another roller coaster ride might be tempting and fun in the short term but you are delaying all the inevitable pain and heartache that you both have already endured.
My advice for what it is worth. Take this “date” as an indication that nothing has changed and your reasons for breaking up are still valid. Emotion and Attraction only last so long before you are back where you ended saying “See, this is why we broke up!”
Stay strong. There are many fish in the sea and an attractive intelligent lady like yourself is not easily found.
Thank you, dear. 🙂
I remember when I was off and on with my ex for two years. I wasted the first two years of high school in that interval. After those trials and tribulations, I decided it doesn’t matter if there’s a “15%” or a “95%”, if I’m not on the mark 100% sure I want to be with that man, then I really shouldn’t. I’m a firm believer in intuition. Yes maybe it’s good to rationalize and think back, but often times you end up vindicating the bad parts than actually making a reasonable judgment.
You said yourself, the good parts about being with him are very good, but the bad parts are also very bad. Even if they balance each other out, the fact that he’s not willing to make a change and just want to focus on the more sensual and delightful aspects of a relationship just shows the commitment, or lack thereof.
Be honest with yourself. You can’t get over someone instantly. Alleviating the pain by prolonging a dying relationship will just have more devastating consequences in long the run.
Thanks, love 🙂
That 15% is a real bitch, especially when the bad wasn’t all that bad and the good was VERY good. When I split with D, the busy days out with friends were some of the worst. Everywhere I went something reminded me of D, or someone asked me about D, or I kept thinking “you know much fun this would be with D?” It was tough. But you sound like you’re in a good place and you’re being smart about it, even with that pesky 15% hanging around.
It’s true, people say, “If you keep busy, you won’t have time to miss him!” Not true. Although it is probably still better than sitting on the sofa with a box of tissues watching Drew Barrymore movies.
I know how hard that 15% can make things! But you must be strong. If you can’t work out the bad, it’ll inevitably be more of the same! It’s called a break-up because it’s broken! Be strong!
Yes, I’m fairly certain the bad will only get worse as the relationship progresses. I don’t see it getting better or fixing itself. I suppose that’s what is keeping me strong.
Don’t ignore the bad…the good shouldn’t be a factor in the decision.
Mmm, playing devil’s advocate, I disagree. The good always has to be a factor as well. Every person and relationship has good and bad. The trick is finding the “bad” that you can deal with.
And at the point that the bad so outweighs the good – it’s a great idea to exit stage left and stay there. It’s going to be hard – but you seem to know the right thing to do. Stay strong!
Thank you. I think I’m doing the right thing, but you never know for sure. I suppose at some point you just need to make a decision and stick with it. That can certainly be tough.
Well what can I say, you obviously did the right thing a few weeks ago when you broke up with him. It seems to me like you are woman enough to admit that you may have things to work on in a relationship setting and are willing to address them.
Tom unfortunately, if what you write here is to be believed and I have no reason to doubt you, has some work to do. It sounds like he just wants to keep his head stuck in the sand and motorboat his way through the good and bad.
Unfortunately for you that makes him damaged goods and undesirable at least for anything long term.
As a man I totally get Tom’s perspective on the issue. If we just hold fast and “make it work” then things will magically heal themselves. Well sometimes it’s a little more complicated than that buddy. I’ve been there, Dar and I have gone through our rough spots in the past and she’s gone so far as to kick me out. Harsh, but in my case ultimately necessary. I could either go on living as I had always done, and do that alone. Or I could attempt to deal with my issues and attempt to mend the relationship. I chose to do the latter.
Relationships are never easy, but they become impossible when only one person is working to make a better whole for the two.
You did the right thing, it will get easier.
My advice to you, in the immortal words of John Belushi from Animal House. “Start Drinking Heavily!” Kidding of course but you will get through this.
You have all of us to help! YIPPEE!!
You are pretty right on about Tom. He just thinks we should get back together and “work on it.” But how? If we can’t talk about it, it’s not a good sign. I think perhaps a lot of men are like this. My ex was, and I stayed with him much longer than I should have.
So what made you wake up and realize you actually needed to do some work? I commend you for it. I suspect for some men, it is ego-related.
Agree with Ren above. Don’t let it fall back into place because that’s the easiest thing to do. You know you’ll be back where you started.
The 15% sucks balls. And not in a good way. If he isn’t even addressing issues, and not telling you what you need to do to make things work, nothing will change. You know that, I know that. We all know that (…. except maybe Tom?)
Again, my advice is no more contact. For some time. Like, weeks of time. You BOTH need space – in order to get a new perspective on this. Not so you can get over it, but so you can see clearly what to do. I swear it’s the only way to figure out if you should get back together, or can be friends, or if it really is the end (…. yikes, I know). You’re never going to have that clarity being so close to it – and neither will he.
That being said, one thing I have learned is it really is easier said than done. You have to do what you have to do – and the really tough stuff can only come when you’re ready to do it. Period. But. Personally? I’ve never had it work out without some space. No matter what that meant. Giving in never got me anywhere – it wasn’t until I manned up, that I did. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard, or that I am sure I’d be able to do it sooner than I did if I could go back. Time, honey. It’s what you need.
PS The new Linkin Park song, “Waiting for the End” is really growing on me… check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qF_qbaWt3Q (you never should have said anything about music. I can’t stop once I get started. Adele’s got a great new break-up one too, “Rolling in the Deep”).
The stuff they say about time is cliche for a reason – it’s true. I know I won’t feel this bad six months down the line. I hope. It’s the getting there part that’s tough.
I LOVE Adele’s voice. It’s hard to believe she’s only 21.
Yep. Time, space – so important, yet so difficult to wait for/create.
It’s really amazing Adele’s so young – for both her voice and her lyrics.
PS Florence + The Machine “Blinding” (and if shit really hits the fan ~ “Hurricane Drunk”.) See? Music, man. Defines my life.
It’s infinitely worse if they can’t feel anything for you, us or the relationship you once had any more.
At the moment, I think I’d rather hear regrets and promises of change.
I hear that. If he was totally over it I’d be like, “EXCUSE me?” However, I’m not even hearing promises of change. It’s just, let’s pick up where we left off and maybe it’ll work out this time. I suppose any way you slice it, breakups suck.
Has to be so hard. Especially when you want to follow your heart but your gut is telling you otherwise…
That’s exactly it – the ol’ battle between the heart and the gut. The big question is, how many rounds will this go on before one emerges the victor??
Thank you for sharing the aftermath. I’m impressed that though you miss him and are still reeling in from the breakup, you are still able to keep your head on straight and admit that you are certain on breaking up. A lot of people go back to familiarity without adressing their problems and eventually face the same difficulties.
Yes, I’ve been there, done that. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again. I really just don’t want to waste either of our time.