Unhappy Valentine’s Day, folks. Let’s quit with the games, shall we? Nobody likes this day anymore. It seems everyone now recognizes February 14 as a manufactured holiday led by Hallmark designed to sell more cards and junk. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship, out of a relationship or permanently single, we all pretty much agree: Valentine’s Day sucks.
The Male Perspective
[Walking into Rite Aid to buy beer.]
Huh? Why am I seeing red all over the place? Has this place gone commie?
Ohhh, shit. Already? Fuck, and it’s two days away? Motherfuckingshitfuckdamn! Think, think.
I guess I could order flowers. But that shit’s expensive. And I guess we’ll go out to dinner. Dang, that’s expensive too, especially on V-day. Flowers and dinner. You fucking loser. Could you be any less original?
What if that’s not enough? Well, you better think of something fast, homeboy, unless you want to masturbate your way through April. Ummmmm…
I don’t know. How am I supposed to know? I’m a GUY, dammit! I can’t take the pressure. No matter what I do, she won’t be satisfied. How dare she expect me to jump through hoops like this!
I can’t deal with this stress. Fuck it, I’m getting this big pink fuzzy bear with “Be mine” on his gut. Chicks dig pink fuzzy shit.
Now where’s my beer? I hate Valentine’s Day.
The Female Perspective
[Eating Ben & Jerry’s, watching 30 Rock. Commercial: “Tell her you love her this Valentine’s Day with a diamond from DeBeers.”]
Oh, fuck. It’s Valentine’s Day. I wonder if he’ll plan anything. I wonder if he’ll even remember.
I hope he doesn’t get me a big pink bear like he did last year. What am I supposed to do with that thing? I’m not freaking eight.
I hope he does something, so I don’t feel like a big, unlovable loser. The executives of Tiffany, FTD and Hollywood have infiltrated my brain since birth telling me if he really loves me, he’ll give me a ring in the middle of the Piazza in Venice. Or write my name in the sky with an airplane. Or hire an orchestra to serenade me at the most exclusive restaurant in town.
Whatever. I know he loves me and I won’t be brainwashed by corporate America’s unconscionable greed.
Aww, look, Cerie got a dozen long stemmed roses and a private cruise along the river!
I bet I’ll get the bear. I hate Valentine’s Day.
The Single Perspective
Do I really need to say anything here? We hate Valentine’s Day.
And Then There’s the Freaks
Alright, there does exist a miniscule percentage of the population – maybe 4% – who actually enjoys VD. They pull out all the romantic stops with their over-the-top, rose-petals-on-the-bed, champagne-in-the-bubble-bath kind of hullabaloo.
These people are freaks and you should not listen to them.
There’s usually one in every workplace who regales his or her co-workers with their lovey-dovey Valentine’s Day exploits and makes everyone else feel inadequate.
If you are one of these freaks, then good for you. Have a wonderful day with your honey and bask in every amorous moment. But for the love of God, shut the fuck up about it. Trust me, no one wants to hear that crap.
So to all of the singles and couples alike who are feeling lonely, anxious, or just plain pissed off this Valentine’s Day: congratulations, you are not a freak! And when you’re sitting in front of the boob tube tonight watching How I Met Your Mother while eating soup from a can, take comfort in the fact that you are among the normal.
Now, go pet a kitten or something.
Props to someecards for these funny zingers.
Categories: In My Most Excellent Opinion