Valentine’s Day is For Freaks

Unhappy Valentine’s Day, folks. Let’s quit with the games, shall we? Nobody likes this day anymore. It seems everyone now recognizes February 14 as a manufactured holiday led by Hallmark designed to sell more cards and junk. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship, out of a relationship or permanently single, we all pretty much agree: Valentine’s Day sucks.

The Male Perspective

[Walking into Rite Aid to buy beer.]

Huh? Why am I seeing red all over the place? Has this place gone commie?

Ohhh, shit. Already? Fuck, and it’s two days away? Motherfuckingshitfuckdamn! Think, think.

I guess I could order flowers. But that shit’s expensive. And I guess we’ll go out to dinner. Dang, that’s expensive too, especially on V-day. Flowers and dinner. You fucking loser. Could you be any less original?

What if that’s not enough? Well, you better think of something fast, homeboy, unless you want to masturbate your way through April. Ummmmm…

I don’t know. How am I supposed to know? I’m a GUY, dammit! I can’t take the pressure. No matter what I do, she won’t be satisfied. How dare she expect me to jump through hoops like this!

I can’t deal with this stress. Fuck it, I’m getting this big pink fuzzy bear with “Be mine” on his gut. Chicks dig pink fuzzy shit.

Now where’s my beer? I hate Valentine’s Day.

The Female Perspective

[Eating Ben & Jerry’s, watching 30 Rock. Commercial: “Tell her you love her this Valentine’s Day with a diamond from DeBeers.”]

Oh, fuck. It’s Valentine’s Day. I wonder if he’ll plan anything. I wonder if he’ll even remember.

I hope he doesn’t get me a big pink bear like he did last year. What am I supposed to do with that thing? I’m not freaking eight.

I hope he does something, so I don’t feel like a big, unlovable loser. The executives of Tiffany, FTD and Hollywood have infiltrated my brain since birth telling me if he really loves me, he’ll give me a ring in the middle of the Piazza in Venice. Or write my name in the sky with an airplane. Or hire an orchestra to serenade me at the most exclusive restaurant in town.

Whatever. I know he loves me and I won’t be brainwashed by corporate America’s unconscionable greed.

Aww, look, Cerie got a dozen long stemmed roses and a private cruise along the river!

I bet I’ll get the bear. I hate Valentine’s Day.

The Single Perspective

Do I really need to say anything here? We hate Valentine’s Day.

And Then There’s the Freaks

Alright, there does exist a miniscule percentage of the population – maybe 4% –  who actually enjoys VD. They pull out all the romantic stops with their over-the-top, rose-petals-on-the-bed, champagne-in-the-bubble-bath kind of hullabaloo.

These people are freaks and you should not listen to them.

There’s usually one in every workplace who regales his or her co-workers with their lovey-dovey Valentine’s Day exploits and makes everyone else feel inadequate.

If you are one of these freaks, then good for you. Have a wonderful day with your honey and bask in every amorous moment. But for the love of God, shut the fuck up about it. Trust me, no one wants to hear that crap.

So to all of the singles and couples alike who are feeling lonely, anxious, or just plain pissed off this Valentine’s Day: congratulations, you are not a freak! And when you’re sitting in front of the boob tube tonight watching How I Met Your Mother while eating soup from a can, take comfort in the fact that you are among the normal.

Now, go pet a kitten or something.

Props to someecards for these funny zingers.

45 replies

  1. Your very young and I promise you you will find love again ….and it will be great and you will leave the bathroom door open/…..your very talented I don’t need to tell you that but I will….foll0ow your dreams and he will come along and never be able to live without you. I promise scouts honor….your worth so much I can’t even explain in words…

  2. I stopped celebrating Valentine’s day when it stopped being fun like, when it stopped being appropriate to give everyone you know little cards with Muppets and Smurfs on them. Actually, no – I did try as an adult but, now I just don’t bother. This year I just decided to be my own Valentine 🙂

    • I miss those cards! Wow, now that I think about it, even giving classmates little Muppet cards in 2nd grade was stressful. I remember contemplating which Muppet I would give to my crush Timmy, and wondered if I could “accidentally” forget to give one to Jeff Merrill, the creepy boy. Gosh. It all starts so early.

  3. It’s so true that some men (read most) wander around aimlessly throughout the year but let me tell you this man has his shit wired tight!

    See the thing is that if you get your girl the odd out of the blue bunch of flowers or cook a nice meal for her at home then if you slide a little on V day then no biggie. You have her back the other 364 days of the year.

    But if you have your head up your ass AND screw the pooch on V day then buddy lord help ya. You ain’t getting no steak and blowjob day next month, and that’s a fact.

    So get it together and give the lady a nice experience, give her a back rub, or wash her back in the shower AFTER you give her a nice bunch of flowers.

    Then come March 14 all you have to do is sit back and let your eyes roll into the back of your head.

    • Love it! Let’s do away with Valentine’s Day and implement this Steak & a BJ Day and Flowers & a Back Rub day. Actually, I think I’d prefer Back Rub & Cunnilingus Day. Then everyone knows exactly what to give and get. Genius!

  4. I’m not not a lover of Valentines Day (I’m here, with all you people instead of being romanced up to the gills, aren’t I?), but I think it’s only about ‘FuckYouHallmark’ if you make it. There are plenty of ways to show you love someone – making a *really* good sandwich for lunch (with a cookie tucked away for surprise) is as good as it gets, in my book. In fact, show me the guy* who’d fix my bicycle in moments of emergency without needing to be harassed and I’ll introduce you to the most sexually satisfied man alive.

    *Reeeeally must have beard and/or be prepared to grow one. For me.

  5. I don’t like valentine’s day whether I’m coupled or single. It’s a dumb holiday. You really need someone to give you a day yo remind you to tell you partner you love him/her? That’s ridiculous. You can do that any day. And you should. Meanwhile, it’s not going anywhere, so I use it as an excuse to make chocolates and give them to my coworkers. Everybody likes an excuse to eat chocolate!

  6. Oh man the “male perspective” is so dead-on. I laughed my ass off.

    I happen to find myself “between girlfriends” at the moment but I remember what V-day was like when you’re with someone. You absolutely nailed it, right down to the swearing within the internal monologue. Oh man I’m still laughing.

    What a nightmare. It almost makes me glad to be single. Almost.

    BTW, are you saying chicks don’t universally adore pink fuzzy shit? How can that be possible? I’m confused.

    • I am happy to confirm that us ‘chicks don’t universally adore pink fuzzy shit’. Seriously, it’s lame and I die a little inside thinking of the criminal waste of our natural resources producing that crap. It’s corny and childish and damn unsexy. (Is that enough adjectives? Let me know if you need more…)

      • Hi Heather! Thanks for the clarification. I wish I’d found out about this sooner. Now what the hell am I going to do with these three truckloads of assorted pink, fuzzy animals???? I think they’re going to start reproducing any minute. (You wouldn’t happen to need any extras would you?)

    • Thanks, Milton. And ditto Heather. Yeah, when someone gives me a stuffed animal it almost always winds up going to Goodwill. Am I supposed to put it on a shelf? On my bed? I just don’t have enough storage space for that crap. I’m not a stuffed animal gal.

  7. Hey now- I disagree with hating v-day. I may be single now, but I get excited when it rolls through and I have someone to share it with it.
    I think the reason singles hate it is because they don’t have no romantic plans.
    I’ll admit that it makes me nervous having to plan something with someone new, but by no means should I hate!

    • Well, of COURSE singles hate it coz they have no romantic plans. Der, George!

      You are free to like or dislike anything you like (or dislike). If you like VD, you rock on with your bad self. But it seems to me that I encounter more people (single and coupled) who dislike it, or feel undue pressure by it, than those who actually like it – and I understand why. And I want those people to know that THEY’RE not weird or crazy because of it. And it’s okay.

  8. okaaaaaaaaay. So I guess I’m one of the freaks. And I should just shut my fuckin mouth but… yeah corporate hallmark holiday is STUPID but since my parents who have been married for 35 years got married on Vday, Vday has always been a day where I saw two people who were true partners celebrate their partnership. They’re in miami right now sharing the weekend together. So i say kudos to them. My bf had to work today. Did I give him a hard time? no. Last night, vday eve, I made dinner and we had a glass of wine and talked. No pressure. No insane gestures. But for what its worth, I like grandparents day. Mothers day. Fathers day. Fourth of July. St Patricks Day. I like excuses to party, drink excessively, have fun and recognize people in a special way even if its a made up day. So there. freaky deaky. Cheers, T.

    • Kudos to your parents and to you and your man, ya freaks 😉

      I guess we’re different like that – I hate St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, New Year’s Eve, etc. or any holiday that puts pressure on peeps to engage in certain behaviors on those days and if you don’t, well, what’s wrong with you? I’ll tie one on when I feel like it, not when they jack up the prices and have police checkpoints everywhere. But that’s my problem.

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