The Ass Man Cometh

Anyone who has ever participated in online dating can attest that it is a spectacular way to meet weirdos. In fact, it can at times make one wonder if a good portion of the male population has been taking etiquette lessons from Andy Dick.

My friend Gabby recently met someone through an online dating site. They had been talking and texting for about a week before they arranged a time to meet. He seemed like a decent enough guy and she told him she was looking forward to their date.

She was not prepared for the next text this man sent:

“By the way, I really like butts. Some guys are breast men or leg men, but I’m really into butts.”

Gabby took a moment then reacted the only plausible way one could to such a statement:

WTF???

Why…WHY would he text me this out of the clear blue sky? thought Gabby. And he didn’t even say what kind of butts. Does he prefer a king-sized Kardashian caboose or a tight little Aniston ass? Is he into bubble butts or does he favor a heart-shaped specimen?

As she was pondering the wide variety of booty a man might enjoy, another text popped up:

“I hope I didn’t freak you out. I just thought I should mention it because it’s really important to me.”

Alrighty. This was not just some random, misfired comment — this ass business was actually a critical factor in the fate of their relationship. And they hadn’t even met.

Should I walk into the restaurant backwards so he can evaluate it straight away? Gabby pondered. What if I get there first? Should I stand up upon his arrival, turn around and present like a baboon?

She knew that if she didn’t show it to him right off the bat, they’d both sit there smiling and making small talk, all the while the big question looming in the air:  Is or isn’t her badonkadonk up to snuff?

Now, if you are a clueless male and are somehow missing the point of all this — as you sometimes do when we’re speaking all French and everything — the problem is not that the man is keen on keesters. A lot of blokes like butts and that is A-OK.

However, it is one thing to mention it during a conversation when the question “What is your favorite body part?” comes up. Yet it is quite another to send a random, unsolicited text proclaiming your ass love prior to meeting your date – and then a follow-up message to reiterate its importance.

This will undoubtedly cause the girl to a) question nonstop whether her buns will pass muster and b) think you are a complete whack job.

Gabby did the only thing any sane woman would do. She told Seymour he could kiss her sweet ass goodbye. That’s right, even before he got to say hello.

The moral of the story is simple: If you behave like an ass, you sure as hell ain’t getting any.

Categories: True Story

Tagged as: , , , ,

56 replies

  1. OMG that’s so funny, the poor girl.

    Maybe the only thing to do is respond with something like ‘Seeing as we are sharing I like a six pack and abs so defined I can rest a pencil in them. It’s really important to me.’

  2. How about I follow the Fishing and Hunting Game Rule – anything under 6 inches is catch and release. LOL

    Here is one for ya – I am small breasted and was told by an ex that “men really don’t like fake breasts that much anyway” Like I should apologize or something! Later loser!

  3. The only time I’ve been set up on a blind date, the person told me in advance “He’s really into feet. Like, nice feet. I just thought I should tell you beforehand” . I was kind of young and dumb, so I still went on the date. But then HE brought it up mid date “I’m really into feet. Just thought you should know…in case you notice me checking out your feet later”. He was a nice guy, it was just such an awkward thing to bring up ON THE FIRST DATE. If he had substituted “feet” for “boobs” I would have been running out of there ASAP.

    • Totally. I mean, I get that people have fetishes and that’s okay. But save that info for a later date. No, you shouldn’t get it out up front. Cannot underestimate the importance of timing and delivery!

      • I once dated a guy who was into feet, but he didn’t feel the need to open his mouth and say anything that would make things awkward. He did compliment my D’Orsay style shoes on our first date, which only look well on someone with high arches. (no sides) Once we started our sexual relationship, he became more interested in my shoe choices when we went out (by complimenting the ones he loved on me) and in bed, he’d lovingly play with my feet, massage them, suck on my toes, admire my nail polish, etc. In bed, I teased him about his foot fetish and he said that it was his favorite part of a woman’s body and that he really liked me and that I had such nice feet was the icing on the cake.

        So see, no need to be an a-hole or to make stupid and/or aggressive comments.

  4. Hats off to Gabby for kicking this dud to the curb. Sadly, guys have said things like this to me more than a time or two. I honestly don’t know how they think it’s normal or appropriate.

  5. I love this story. It sort of reminds me of when a guy pulled his penis out on the first date and masturbated in my car… well, not really, but when I got home there was a message on my machine saying,” blah, blah, blah, good time… blah, blah,blah, hope I didn’t scare you off…” Um. scared wasn’t the word, and how could you think that wouldn’t scare someone off… ??? Needless to say, I never saw or spoke to him again, and when I would see him around campus (excruciatingly painful and embarrassing as that was) I would immediately duck and hide. No Bull.

  6. (Found you via the lovely WanderingMenace…)

    That is just… weird. I can’t imagine why a guy would text that to a girl, particularly someone he barely knew. That’s the kind of things my friends and I would discuss over beer, and usually 1-2 beers in at that. Only at that point can I admit to “being a leg man” and my female friends admit they don’t like guys under six feet tall.

    The only time I would ever say that to someone I was seriously interested (i.e. several dates in) would be in the context of “you know, I’m totally a leg man, and your legs are ‘rockin”, or something similarly silly and complimentary and flirty.

    Though after reading this post, I’m not too sure about that now either…

  7. I must say very healthy response from your friend. I hear of girls who have guys give them massive red flag warnings like this and they ignore or make excuses for the guy.

    It is really vital to be more critical early before emotions attach.

    Gold star for her.

  8. Ahahaha, never ceases to amaze me what kind of online weirdos there are out there. They just keep popping up out of nowhere. AND I’d love to know why he would say something like that anyway. What was he THINKING? He should be a study project or something.

  9. Amazing.

    Yeah – there is no problem with enjoying the ass, or boobs, or even feet (some people are into feet, right? I swear there was a caller on Savage Love once…). But. You don’t need to advertise so early! Or, in fact, ever! Really – would a dude think it was ok to say “hey, I’m a boob man and those A’s just aren’t cuttin’ it for me.” However legit that is, don’t freakin’ say it! Do we really have to spell it out?

    It’s like a chick saying “I really need a big dick. Just wanted to let you know up front. That’s really important to me.”

  10. We all have our preferences but come on now dude leave something for the imagination. That is just poor form.

    Excuse me now, I think I hear Sir Mixalot in the background.

  11. lol thats an awesome story. I’m heavy chested and currently an online dater (so “boobs men” would usually contact me). Today I just read a classy message from a foreign dude saying “woa what kind of bobs do you have?” REALLY? what “kind” of “bobs” do I have? There are way too many things wrong with that question.

    • Good point. Not just, hey I like asses, so I hope yours measures up. He should’ve just went on the date, checked it out and then not called if he wasn’t satisfied. That would’ve been the civil thing to do.

  12. Fucking hell, that’s scary.

    And I am going to put off using any form of internet dating website until every other option has been tested first (including arranged marriages).

    • I agree, arranged marriages might very well be preferable to this kind of torture. But then there ARE, I hear, people who meet great partners online and get married. You just certainly have to weed through some freaks.

    • Her telling me about this guy actually made my day. I was having a sad “woe is me” day and when she told me I think she was more disgusted, but I just had to laugh! And was happy for some blog material. 🙂

  13. Very well done. I would have done the same and filed in my “do no ever revisit” shit list. This guy is shallow as hell; it’d be the same deal if I said I only take guys 7″ or bigger.

  14. Thank GOD she said “Buh Bye”. Men like this need to be punished for such ASShole behavior. Perhaps he’ll learn his lesson…but something tells me that’s slightly optimitistic, and he’ll remain an inappropriate freak.

  15. Bahahaha! I hear you, girl. Online dating is just filled with weirdos. I might try those two things–walk backwards or present my butt like a baboon– if I ever decide to date again though. I love your blog! 😀

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