Please Don’t Make Me Do It

Now that I’m alone again, naturally, most of society expects me to engage in a heinous ritual that, while torturous, and if practiced for an unspecified length of time, might lead me to true love.

Being that it is so distasteful, I have a severe aversion to this ritual. I have an extensive list of other unsavory activities I’d rather be subjected to. For example:

  • I’d rather French kiss a pregnant rattlesnake.
  • I’d rather watch Progressive Insurance commercials for 10 hours straight. In HD.
  • I’d rather listen to the acceptance speech from the Academy Award winner for “Best Sound Editing” on a continuous loop.
  • I’d rather go down on an unwaxed Kardashian after a spinning class in August.

Oh, come on, girlie, what could possibly be that ghastly? I’ll tell you what.


I know, I know. Everybody does it and it’s not that bad and you get to meet new people and just have fun with it and I’ll never get anywhere with that kind of attitude and blah, blah, blah.


But I simply can’t take it anymore. I’ve been on a million bad dates and I’m over it like a teenage girl is over the Jonas Brothers.

I just don’t wanna. I don’t wanna ask and be asked “So, what do you do?” I don’t wanna chug my beverage like a frat boy so the alcohol will kick in soon enough to make this trip to the dentist slightly less painful. I don’t wanna spend 90 minutes getting dolled up only to arrive and think, I wore foundation for this?

I must say, however, I did rather enjoy being in a relationship. Can’t I please just skip the dating part and be safely nestled in a healthy relationship with an awesome guy? I implore you… Fairy Godmother? Santa Baby? Oprah?

Huh? It doesn’t work that way? Well, screw you, too, Oprah.

There are some people who actually enjoy dating. They call themselves optimists, but I like to call them annoying as fuck.

So listen to me, annoying, I am allowed to have a crap ‘tude right now, mmkay? I just got out of a seven-month relationship that probably should’ve ended at three months. I’ve been at this dating hoodoo since the summer of ‘72. Well, it feels like that long anyway. Since my divorce, I’ve been dating  like a madwoman to no avail and, once again, I’m back at square one.

Let me bitch. Let me whine. It probably won’t last. I’ll start trolling dating sites and the Home Depot after a few weeks of feeling pathetic and lonely. Or horny, whichever comes first. Horny.

But for now, I’m going to enjoy my datelessness. I shall shop in sweatpants, grow my leg hair long and focus on putting the spark back into my relationship with my vibrator.

And I will revel in every sweet minute of it.

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68 replies

  1. I just had a conversation with my new man summing up my feelings on ever dating again: “If we don’t work, I’m just checking for a pulse on the next one and telling them not to talk… ever. No more dating for me.” He felt the same way 😉

  2. Sooooo many times; more than I could count (and I can count high – like a thousand) I wished that I could skip all that’s dating and move right to the relationship part. Perhaps an arranged marriage? I don’t have any cows on hand but if it were to mean I could have skipped dating I’d run out and buy one, pronto!

    Oh, and ^LOL. Precious.

    • You are now the third person to have brought up arranged marriage as a viable option. Perhaps we need to examine this possibility more…

      And yes, you can count very high!

  3. “I’d rather go down on an unwaxed Kardashian after a spinning class in August.” LMAO!!!
    I understand, I thought my standards where low enough when I said: “I don’t mind dating a guy that is just make-out worthy and then not getting anything else out of dating him for 3 or 4 times” it seems that that standard…is not low wnough

  4. Can’t I please just skip the dating part and be safely nestled in a healthy relationship with an awesome guy?

    Arranged marriage???

    ; p

  5. YES! you are 100% allowed to feel that way…and I agree with you. If I weren’t with M, I don’t think I’d want to face dating either. And I didn’t realize you were divorced too (must not have read back far enough!)…a good thing we have in common (good now, perhaps not when going through it!) 🙂

  6. I was with you until the Kardashian comment. Frankly if an alcoholic beverage is involved then Id choose a drinks date any day. Hang in there! -T

  7. Hahaha! OK… fabulous post! Broke me shite laughing here.
    Hope the relationship with the vibrator is a fruitful and rewarding one (they normally are). 😀

  8. Loooved this post. Very cute and very humorous!
    A lot of women can relate to this one, as dating gets boring after awhile. BUT I think it’s great to be single for a bit and enjoy the hair on your legs ’till you feel ready 🙂 LOL.

  9. Haha! Love it! And I’m with you here. I’m taking an indefinite dating time-out. Dating is hard work…with little reward. So I wish people would quit asking me about my dating.

  10. Eh, don’t do it until you’re ready. Or follow the latest romcom lesson and fall in love with your f-buddy. Your choice 😉

    • Oh, that silly movie (which I didn’t see, but predictable ending) is sending a terrible, fallacious message to women everywhere. Fuck buddies don’t become boyfriends, ladies! *Maybe* 5% of the time, but not worth the odds!

  11. Well crap…right when I think I’m ready to step into the world of casual dating I have to read this. 😉 But I completely get it. Not that I have the time or the mindset for a serious relationship right now…I really would like to skip the “getting to know you” stage and just jump right to the awesome guy part.

    However, I think it’s part of the initiation into the divorced club. I have to go on as many crappy dates as possible to provide entertaining stories to my married girlfriends. Then hopefully go on a few amazing dates so the same friends can live vicariously through me.

    • Oh, no, I’m creating monsters! Don’t let me skew your thinking. This is what I’m thinking right now. It might be a totally different story in a month or two or ten or tomorrow.

      I think my married friends are sick of hearing about my dates and just want me to find someone so we can both complain about our husbands.

      • Hahaha…no monsters being created. 😉 I go back and forth too. One day, I just wanted rebound guy to be my FWB, the next I was crying because I want more with him (we just have a terrible case of bad timing). One day, I really want to start casual dating and the next day, I’m perfectly content with BOB.

  12. Here, here. Raising my (hiccup) glass to you. Lost my razor last week and didn’t even bother looking for it or making the effort to get a new one! Smooches

  13. I, too, just want to magically be part of a nice, cuddly and warm relationship and skip the sh*t that is called dating. Thanks for reminding me of my intense longing for a LELO vibrator. lol. Let’s revel in being independent and in self-love. *sigh*

  14. I hear you… I’m only 22 and I want out of the dating game already as well. Seems like you have a ton more experience than me though so I can see why you’re even more done with it. I’m glad you’re going to enjoy your single, datelessness! It’s all too much work unless you REALLY want another relationship but it sounds like you don’t want one yet anyway 😉

    YAY for being single!

  15. I don’t think I’ve ever actively gone looking for dates. I’m off men at the moment anyway, but even if I wasn’t and was just a normal single person instead of a crappy heartbroken one, I’d go out with my mates and if I meet someone…well…I meet someone. And if I don’t, I enjoy going out with my mates all the same.

    Best way to meet someone is not to be happy and not looking. Fact.

  16. … maybe just don’t date? You know, yet?

    Couldn’t hurt… could it? (… trust me, I hear you Vagina Brain from here – mine is imploring me to remember her plight).

    A friend of mine has had enough bullshit and is taking a Dating Meratorium. To get her shit back on straight, get over all the crap, get back to herself. Just sayin’.

    • There must be. There’s rehab for everything else, right. We should opt for a really posh one in Malibu – maybe find a love connection with one of the other patients.

  17. “There are some people who actually enjoy dating. They call themselves optimists, but I like to call them annoying as fuck.” – The fact that you wrote that makes you extremely awesome, and me happy that I ran across your blog.

    I think I’m sorta semi-retired from dating. I’ve tried to take advantages of opportunities when they’ve presented themselves, but other than that have occupied my time elsewhere. Whether or not I end up regretting that remains to be seen.

    Enjoy your datelessness. And if you ever want to grab a beer, hang out at Home Depot and watch me drool over power tools I can’t afford, do let me know. 🙂

    • Well, I guess you just gotta do what feels right and hope for the best, potential future regrets be damned. Or not? Hell, I dunno. I sure as hell don’t have any answers. And thank you for the offer 🙂

  18. That was very funny – my, what an imagination you have… Singlegirlie, I feel it too and have done so for many months now. The only scent of romance I’ve had lately is with our Darlin’ Denny (and I’m not kidding…). I know I should probably be pounding the ‘dating scene’ (especially as I’m in my 30′s and I hear dating gets scarily shit in about oh, 5 years ago…) but I just don’t want to – is that terrible?
    I think it’s polite to at least date with enthusiasm and so I’m waiting for that spark. Personally, I think less of people who hop from one to the next as though being alone/single is a fucking disease…

    • Isn’t it the damnedest thing? You feel pressure to meet someone because the old clock is a-ticking yet trying to find the one while like it’s a job or something is just GROSS. Ack!

      Denny brings romance to all of our loins. I hope you find that spark, girlfriend.

  19. It’s cool. Look I am backing away from the singles ad’s and grabbing a beer nice…and… slow.

    Listen, I’ve been there too and I know it sucks donkey balls. Dating ain’t that much easier for guys, for instance I can tell when the “New Chick” is angling to find out how much I make by asking in a certain way what I do for a living or by asking if I lease or own my Jeep.

    When it becomes more like a bloody job interview for a job you don’t even want it’s time to grab a drink and settle in for a little down time.

    Getting in and out of relationships can be stressful and I bet you still have the ex kicking around in your noggin. So just chill, relax, us dudes will still be here when you get back.

    Oh and for all you wondering, I own.

    • Oh, I am certain dating blows for boys and girls alike. I love the scene in When Harry Met Sally when Carrie Fisher and the mustache guy are lying in bed after they both talked to Harry & Sally rant and she says, “Tell me I won’t ever have to be out there again.” And he says, “You won’t ever have to be out there again.” That’s what I want!

  20. I was gonna offer to hang out with you some time, but I didn’t realize you were married for 10 years… you might be a little old for me.

    Hang in there, you’ll meet a guy with some game and have a great time.

    • It’s okay, sonny, since I see that you’re all of 25 years old, this grandma is not offended. And I wouldn’t have accepted anyway. Did you not read the post, boy? =P

      I don’t want a guy with game. I just want the guy who’s right for me.

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