The Innermost Thoughts of Princess Kate

Party’s over, kiddos! Kate Middleton, the commoner from Wherever, England, is now officially royalty.

I like this Kate. She seems like a classy broad. The wedding went off without a hitch and Miss Kate appeared to be poised as ever. But all this pomp and circumstance doesn’t fool me. Deep down, I know she’s just Katie from the block.

I’d like to reveal what Kate was really thinking during the wedding. (Or what I’d like to think she was thinking. Or what I would be thinking. Same difference.)

The innermost thoughts of Princess Kate:

***

I wanted to get married in Barbados. But nooooooo, the old bat said we had to have it at the friggin’ Abbey.

***

Whoa! What are those stupid cows wearing? Attention whores. Nice try, but it still doesn’t distract from your ugly faces.

***

Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. Brother Harry’s little tart looks like she really tied one on last night. Couldn’t bother to do your hair, love? Well, cheers for making me look good.

***

Ooh, lookie! It’s Mr. Bean!

***

Good lord, Posh Spice, seven months pregnant and wearing six-inch fuck me pumps? On the other hand, David Beckham is looking yummy. Why can’t William have hair like that?

***

The Prime Minister’s wife didn’t wear a hat to my wedding?? Off with her head! I can order that now, right?

***

Hey home girl, why so blue? Har-har-har *snort*!

***

Hey! There’s a black chap at my wedding. I feel so hip.

***

People won’t shut up about my sister’s arse. It’s supposed to be MY day, goddammit!

***

Bloody hell, this sermon is boring.

***

OMFG!!! I’m a fucking PRINCESS, bitches!!!

***

Alright, so technically I’m a duchess. But no one really knows that and “Princess Catherine” has such a ring to it.

***

Dear lord, please don’t let our daughters be this hideous.


***

Everyone’s making a stink because we kissed twice. Big whoop. I’m gonna fuck his brains out tonight.

You see? Kate’s just like you and me. And for all you girls out there feeling forlorn with envy, wondering, “Where is my prince and fairy tale wedding?!” — let me just remind you of one thing. Prince Charles and Diana had a fairy tale wedding, too. And look how that shit turned out.

(Thanks to Sarcastic Blog Girl, who in part inspired this post.)

42 replies

  1. Okay, all children are beautiful and blah blah blah, but what sort of inbreeding disaster is that to Prince William’s right (upper left hand corner of the kiddie pic)? Let’s hope she’s good on paper, poor dear.

  2. Didn’t we have, like, a whole Revolutionary War so we wouldn’t have to pay attention to this royalty stuff?

    Altho… her sister’s kinda cute…

  3. LOL! The commentary is exactly what I thought when I skimmed through the pictures of the wedding. (I couldn’t bring myself to watch the entire ceremony. Boring!) I don’t know why people in the US call them royalty either, e.g. OMG Prince William has a receding hairline! Prince Charles is such a prick! Fuck that. I ain’t calling them princes. And fuck the old hag they call a queen! Anyway, what you say is true. People–mainly females–dream of a fairy-tale wedding. But they never expect affairs, cheating, lies, and divorces from hell a few years down the road…

    Cheers!

  4. Amazing! lol
    More amazing is that so many people lost valuable beauty rest to watch the most boring ceremony ever (a wedding) that lasted forever, where everyone was really ugly but the Beckhams and the family of the bride.
    Ohhh and forgot that he dumped her for like 6 months a few years ago, Oh! it’s all so romantic

  5. I. Do not. Get. THOSE HATS.

    Who the fuck looks in the mirror and thinks a hat that shoots up from your head is a fashion statement?

    • I don’t get it either. They just look obnoxious to me. I wonder if they think they look good or are just trying to one-up each other in the crazy department.

  6. Don’t people know how to dress with classic sophistication anymore? They looked like they were trying to be Lady Gaga freak show incarnate. How unoriginal. I liked Beckham’s ensemble, but black and hooker heels? Come on. SMH

    The only one appropriately dressed in those pictures are the nuns and Kate’s sister.

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