Hoochie Halloween [re-post]

Oh, come on. Ladybugs don't wear legwarmers.

Note: I originally posted this last year on November 1, but because it is hoochie season once again and people seemed to enjoy it, I am re-posting for your ghoulish pleasure. Happy Hoochie Halloween!

***

I didn’t dress up for Halloween last night. Why? Frankly, I’m over it.

What was once a day observed for children to panhandle for candy and throw poo bags at neighbors has now become an excuse for women to dress like sluts and men to dress like women.

Now, the idea of men dressing like women I rather like. Let guys get a taste of what we gals go though to look beautiful. My ex once dressed as a woman for Halloween and he bitched and complained all night about his feet hurting. From a two-inch chunky heel, mind you. Shiz, those are my comfy shoes.

As for the women dressing slutty, I’m not sure when this all started. As a child, I have no recollection of mistaking regular adult women for prostitutes.

I think it began some time in the 90s. I remember going to a Halloween party and seeing a woman sporting nothing but a red bathing suit that said “Baywatch.” My friends and I laughed at her and figured she must be desperate for attention.

Little did we know it was only the beginning of Hoochie Halloween.

I really don’t hold it against women who do the Halloween ho-down anymore, because these days, it’s almost as though we don’t have a choice. It has now become status quo to don a costume that displays every square inch of flesh save for nipples, buttcrack and landing strip.

Not to mention, there is a lot of pressure to sex it up on this day. I mean, if every other chick at the party looks like this:

You might feel a bit dowdy turning up like this:

No one wants to be the cow at a hooker parade. You may not be desperate for attention, but you won’t get any attention in this getup. Men simply wouldn’t respond to a costume like this. Yes, your teats are exposed — but there are four of them, and that’s a little scary for men. Even on Halloween.

And if you’re in a relationship, you gotta keep your man’s eyes on you and not on the tsunami of tits coming at him from every other direction. That’s right, the relationship bitches are often the trampiest of all the Halloween floozies.

The whole ordeal has just become a bit ridiculous. So that’s why I pass on Halloween.

Yes, yes, I know. If my self-esteem were higher I wouldn’t give a shit, rock the cow costume if I wanted to and feel good about it. But give me a break. I live in LA. Women wear stilettos to Rite Aid.

And I know it’s sometimes fun to let your hair down and be sexy for a night. I do it, too. But if I dress like a slutty cop, slutty bee or slutty Snuffleupagus, I’m simply conforming to a trend I deem silly and will just blend in with all the other boobs and bare midriffs bouncing around.

I prefer to dress like a big ho on my own terms, not because a holiday tells me I should. Unless, of course, it’s Easter.

But There’s a Bigger Problem

In all honesty, the reason I don’t dress up for Halloween actually has little to do with my nonconformist nature or my gross insecurities.

Do you want to know the real reason I don’t play the Halloween hooch?

Because it’s fucking COLD.

It’s almost November, for crying out loud! I know I live in Southern California, but I’m the girl who shivers in her hooded parka when everyone else is sweating. I’d freeze my ass off wearing next-to-nothing at a bone-chilling 62 degrees. I certainly wouldn’t enjoy myself.

For me to go out on Halloween, I’d need to dress up like a grizzly bear to keep warm. Unfortunately, a search for “women’s grizzly bear costume” produced these results:

Sigh.

It just wasn’t meant to be. So I am sitting at home on All Hallows’ Eve, writing this blog post in my very unsexy, very warm, leopard-print Snuggie.

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26 replies

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  2. yeah halloween is very sexual which makes me uncomfortable. i couldnt care for women who dress skimpy but not on halloween your just ruining the spirit of things. seriously the hyper sexual should make another costume holiday dedicated to them perhaps in the summer months ?

  3. I boycott anything that involves getting dressed up more than at a wedding level. Okay, an annual black tie event is fine. But, nothing more complicated than that.

  4. Love this post!

    I love Hallowe’en, and like to mix creative with somewhat-sexy-without-going-overboard. Something different and preferably handmade, so I’m not yet another sexy bunny/cop/maid in the crowd. My harvest fairy costume included a short dress this year, which was short enough to be sexy and long enough to keep me good and covered, but even that made me feel a bit exposed.

    Until, of course, I met up with my friends and one of their girlfriends went as Lady Gaga, in a one-piece outfit that bore 100% of her legs and 60% of her bare-naked ass. Seriously, not even tights! I’m from Canada and it was 4 degrees celsius that night!

    It makes me sad that so many women think they have to dress like that to be considered sexy on Hallowe’en.

  5. Well, of course you’re totally right. It seems like girls our age have two options:
    1. Creative
    2. Slutty
    Aaaaand I’m not creative. It’s funny because it’s just “what you do” now on Halloween and I’m pretty sure that most people don’t give it much thought… thanks for giving it some thought 😉
    ~~
    PS. I’m selling out and going with the “cop” costume… blargh.

    • It’s totally just “what you do” now – which makes me crazy! No one stopped for a second to think, how and why did this happen? I can’t say I’m mad at ya for selling out. It seems options are scarce.

  6. Oy…2nd attempt at replying seeing as I am a complete klutz and cannot hit the right button to post the comment.

    Halloween blows – that is the party line here people. I will never EVER dress up for Halloween – hated it as a kid and hate it even more as a “grown up” and will never be made to do it, even if I had kids (which I don’t). And when I had a kid, well a step-kid, I didn’t dress up. She did – as a fairy princess with ladybug wellies which can only be ok if you are 3 and at pre-school I was resplendant in the offical “mom” get up of jeans, sweat shirt and a GoreTex jacket because it was cold and in the South west and therefore soaking.

    This year (if I’m not working) I’m going to hide on 31st October. My lights will be out and I’ll take the laptop and go watch Hulu in bed. That’s the way to deal with Halloween.

    • I loved Halloween as a kid. Mostly for the candy. And dressing up can be fun, but not if your only option is skank ho, which it seems to be these days. I’d be happier in GoreTex 😉

  7. I’ve always enjoyed the more macabre aspect of the holiday. The Goths and Gays know how to do it right. For hetero mainstreams, having to do the sexy [insert anything here] thing is a bit much. I say we all buy the costumes on November 1st for 75% off and use them for “private” parties. I mean the whole fantasy thing is great, but do not make it required attire for all women on a designated night just to be ogled by guys wearing a white tee-shirt, a gold chain and jeans — reportedly going as a hip hop artist. Doesn’t seem fair. Plus it has trickled down to kids’ costumes now — I tweeted the other day that instead of my explaining to my tall tween girls why some costumes are inappropriate for them I should instead dress up like a whore and pick them up from school . . . ha! That’ll get the point across!

    • Love this comment, “do not make it required attire for all women on a designated night just to be ogled by guys wearing a white tee-shirt, a gold chain and jeans.” My thoughts exactly!

      And yes, it’s disturbing that even the kids’ costumes are becoming all hoochified. Oh man, if you and your tweens do the Halloween Hooch… you’ll be just like Dina and Lindsay Lohan! 😉

  8. As a guy I have to admit that seeing girls dress up in less-than-sexy Halloween apparel is a huge turn off. Not that we are attracted to slutty girls all the time, just that girls who don’t dress up seem boring and somewhat anti-social. If you don’t want to be talked to on Halloween night, there is no better way to insinuate this than by wearing a heavy toga with sandals, dressing up as a margarita or any other nonrevealing costume. It says “I’m ultra conservative and boring, don’t talk to me.”

    • disagree. wearing virtually nothing is boring. they might aswell say i love attention but i have nothing interesting to say so ill just let men stare at my tits.

      the weird costumes say im quirky but unique and up for a laugh. they not boring just not sexually active which i think is why you avoid them.

  9. You just made me feel SO much better about my decision to not go out this Halloween.

    I used to LOVE Halloween – dressing up a little bit sexier than normal was fun. Notice I said a ‘little bit’.That funness died a little bit my first Halloween in LA (’99) when I showed up as an angel in my ‘really really short mini dress’ – only to find all the other angels running around in bras, underwear and garters.

    The next year I squeezed myself into a one piece vinyl bodysuit and left the front zipper pretty much open. (I was a cat or something I think, but who knows at that point) and went with ‘Eve’ dressed in a leaf bikini.

    But something just bugs me about the ‘giving it all away’ aspect of that. And now all the costumes I want to wear (not the cow, but something that involves more than a bra for a top) just seem to make me look like the frumpy girl at the party.

    Very nice to know I’m not the only person who’s thinking this way. 🙂

    • It always helps to know someone feels the same way, doesn’t it? I remember I used to think I’d be missing out on something if I didn’t go out, but now I just don’t give a shit. Everyone is dressed exactly the same, so it’s not really about being fun and creative anymore. It’s just kind of icky to me.

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