The Worst Kind of Wet Spot

When I was in college, I was oddly acquainted with several individuals who would get drunk, pass out, and then urinate in strange places. Yes, in that order.

Prior to my years as an undergrad, I had never known sleep-peeing was even a thing. But I had attended a party school, and here, it was a fairly common occurrence. For example:

  • There was my friend’s little brother who, in his drunken slumber, stood up on his knees, whipped it out and whizzed on the top bunk of her bunk bed while she slept underneath.
  • Then there was my friend’s roommate, who unconsciously got up in the middle of the night, opened the cover of her scrapbook, sat on it, and pissed all over her high school memories.
  • My least favorite was the neighbor who crashed in my bed one night when I was out and left a yellow puddle the size of two, count ‘em, two Kardashian asses.

But my favorite is a story involving my old roommate Annie. Annie was a dear friend who I lost touch with years ago. I really miss Annie. We always had a roaring good time together and she made me laugh so hard I would – almost – pee my pants.

If Annie knew I was telling this story she would hunt me down, suffocate me in my sleep and make it look like autoerotic asphyxiation. But it’s too good not to tell. I’m sorry, Annie. I changed your name. 🙂

At the time, Annie and I were juniors and she was dating a much older man of 27. Tony was an officer in the Navy and rented a house on the beach with two other guys. A house, not an apartment. In our eyes, these men were the pinnacle of sophistication.

One night in the spring, Tony and his roommates threw a party. It was the most glamorous gathering Annie and I had ever attended. Meaning they served cocktails in glasses of actual glass.

We had classed it up by donning our brand new frocks from Charlotte Russe and layered on three different shades of eye shadow so we would blend in with the highfalutin crowd.

And that’s about where the class ended.

Just a Little Drunkie

At this soiree, they served the “high-end” vodka (Absolut), and naturally, we took full advantage. We were accustomed to downing shots of Sauza Gold chased by Natty Light in a can, so having free-for-all access to the good stuff made us giddier than a tranny with an unlimited gift card to Sephora.

Now, when I get loaded, I dance on tables and make unfortunate choices in sexual partners. But Annie is what I call a sloppy drunk. She stumbles around like a baby penguin and inadvertently mows down all objects obstructing her path like a monster truck.

At this point in the evening, Annie had shattered two of the glass glasses, knocked over a torchiere lamp and was well on her way to face planting straight into the five-layer dip. (Yeah, there was food there, too. Toldja it was classy.)

Fortunately, Tony squired Annie to bed where she could sleep it off and avoid causing injury to the other guests. The party was winding down anyway and he would soon join her.

Once Upon a Mattress

Later than night, after everyone had passed out, Tony’s roommate Caleb had been fast asleep in his feather bed when he awoke to the distinct sound of “pssssssssssssssssssssss.”

He sat up to find a big white ass squatting over the foot of the bed, releasing a heavy stream of urine. The ass belonged to Annie, who, after the stream dwindled down to a trickle, pulled up her thong then crawled under the covers with Caleb and started snoring.

Not knowing what else to do, Caleb gallantly picked her up and carried her back to Tony’s room, then went back to sleep on the pee-doused feathers.

The next morning, Annie didn’t recall any of it. She walked into the living room, cracked open a Diet Coke and said, “Man! That was one fun party!”

Three miles away, I was snoozing in my own bed when I heard a distant shriek so loud and long I thought Mariah Carey caught Nick Cannon in the sack with Celine Dion.

Of course, it was Annie, responding to Tony’s recounting of the previous night’s waterworks spectacular. Annie was so mortifed, she bailed out of there on the double and never called Tony again.

If you are attending college, or dating someone who is, or live with someone dating someone who is, I strongly suggest you invest in one of those plastic mattress covers — stat. I promise you, it will be worth its weight in golden showers.

***

Got any stories about wayward wee? Do tell!

37 replies

  1. I too used to hold myself higher above the rest of the drunk pee-ers because I had never peed while being too drunk. Until last night. I’m a bit of a wild child so being heavily intoxicated is nothing new to me. And thought that I contained myself quite perfectly considering. So I’m at the bar and run into the guy ive been hooking up with for a few moths and start taking shots with him. He has a few people over after the bars close so my friend and I ride along. That’s about where my memory ends. I wake up in his bed the next morning wet and look next to me to find a huge yellow ring on his white sheets. Soaked. Thru his comforter and sheets. Half way thought about waking him up to make him believe he peed on me but realized the lack of liquid on his shorts would shut that story down. So I got up asked why it was wet, and his answer… “Oh I think you spilled something last night, or did we go in the hot tub?” Uhhh yup! Gotta go! I’m beyond embarrassed but piss happens. Party problems. Haven’t talked to him since and probably never will. But I know I’ll look back on this and laugh my butt off.

  2. Okay I’m only 10 but I know a friend where we were at her house for a sleepover and she sleep walked past the bathroom and into her sisters room where she peed on her bed(she thought it was a toilet) So funny…

  3. Ya, I can totally relate! In fact, the reason I’m awake right now is because I just woke up to my fiancé opening the bathroom cupboard and peeing inside it and on the floor below it. Fun wow.

  4. Oh single girlie, the stories I could tell. I’m proud to say that I never peed in my sleep – for some reason my body wouldn’t let me – but I did actually STRETCH out my bladder by passing out & NOT peeing. Had bladder issues for years. So my deal was peeing drunk awake. The best was NYE 1991 at a huge Reno party wearing a micro mini skirt & stilettos & peeing in the front yard which had about a foot of snow on it. Yes, the living room windows were open. I graduated to peeing on my boyfriends. My favorite was a week before I quit drinking (gee, wonder why) when I had sex with my boyfriend just off Sunset Strip (on the side wall of that tattoo shop after they wouldn’t tattoo me because I was too drunk) and then made him pee all over me. Soaking wet & platforms squishing with each step, we walked 6 blocks back to our hotel. Yessssssss.

    • OK, I’m confused. Did you say “peeing ON my boyfriends”? And “made him pee all over me”? Was this some sort of sex thing? Was it on purpose? You had sex with him then said, “Yeah, baby, now piss all over me!” Just wanted to clarify..

      • Omg I can’t believe I forgot to reply to your reply. Yessss, ON. Yes, a drunk sex thing. I think anal sex was a gateway drug to golden showers for me. It was like eating oysters, something totally gross that I only did when extremely drunk. See why I’m sober?

  5. At first I thought I had nothing to contribute to these stories of midnight urination but then I realised I have not one, not two, but three whole stories to add for your delectation. The first is actually just completely sordid: some guy at a party I was at woke up in the middle of the night and started peeing over everyone else who was sleeping on the floor and was within range. Just not very nice.
    The second was of a guy I knew who woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t find his way to the toilet so picked up one of his flatmate’s shoes and filled it up with the yellow stuff and then placed the shoe carefully back on the floor.
    The third was of a friend who had a habit of sleep-walking after having a few too many. Fine if you’re in your own house. Not so good if you’re in a guesthouse and you’re sleeping in the nude. I think he woke up everybody else in the place by walking into each of their rooms in turn, switching on the light, standing there for a few minutes before walking back out again. He did make it safely to the toilet eventually so maybe this story doesn’t count but the consensus was that his wandering was induced by a need to pee. (He claimed not to remember any of it the next morning btw.)

  6. I SO did not think the drunk-peeing was a thing until undergrad either. And then it was… WTF?

    A good friend of mine had to actually buy the plastic sheet. For her boyfriend. Of seven years. I’m sorry but we outgrew peeing the bed as toddlers. Might be a dealbreaker at age 30.

    • Oh god. Poor guy. I actually feel bad for them since they don’t even know they’re doing it. I imagine it’s way worse for the urinator than the urinatee. But damn. Get some Depends or something.

  7. Sorry I am late to this particular party. I have known people other than myself who shall remain nameless who have whizzed in everything from corners, to people crashed out on couches to the poor odd helpless fern.

    I have come close to peeing in a closet a time or two but thankfully have always managed to wake up on time.

    • This really is a thing. It seems almost everyone has some kind of drunken pee story, whether they were the urinator or a victim. I notice no one has admitted to actually being the urinator. So if you didn’t leave a comment, I’ll assume you are one of the sleep-peers.

  8. OMG I thought you were talking about me for a minute…except I don’t think I have have ever peed in someone elses bed before. How ever I have been the mover and have fallen out of ever stool and car imaginable to men. I have this really great friend who has a brand new condo in a She she foo foo place …anywho the first night I spent the night there we were drinking…I made him give me a bath …Where bubbles were every where..then I fell off his bar stool..He has since bumpered (child proofed) the whole, placed seat belts on the bar stools and gotten plastic cups just for me. Yeah I fell off the bar stool my martini glass hit the floor and olives went every where. The next day I left in late morning after some coffee and Advil. Later he called to tell me he found salad under his new couch..Ouch sorry…He said I loved it when you coming over again…Messed the whole place up and he liked it? Hu? Okay…you just wait for second time around!!!!

  9. this is tooooo funny! excellent story! i’ve been smashed face drunk a lot of times before but not once have i peed inappropriately. not sure if i should feel like a slacker for having zero “bragging rights” on the drunk peeing department.

    • Girl, you and me both – and I’m pretty sure this is a *good* thing. I’ve never peed unconsciously before, and certainly not in locales outside of the toilet. And I thank my lucky stars. I’d much rather be peed on than the one doing the peeing. Pee you can wash out. Shame is much more difficult.

  10. LOL @ “Mariah Carey caught Nick Cannon in the sack with Celine Dion.” Celine does cause kidney failure. 😉

    I’ve never drunk alcohol, so can’t regale you with my watersports achievements. BUT, I knew someone who had had an intoxicated buddy pass out and pee right into his ears.

    I missed reading you, girl! I can always count on you to take the piss outta my day. xo

    • HEY! Where have you been? I’ve checked your blog and you’ve been absent for a loooong time. Nice to see your eye again! You still gonna blog??

      Okay, wait. You’ve NEVER had alcohol? Not even a sip? Zowie. Honestly, it’s a good thing. Look at the crap that happens.

      Please explain the logistics of peeing in someone’s ear. I mean, you’d have to have pretty good aim to do that, as the ear hole ain’t that big. I can’t imagine a drunk person being that on target.

  11. Fantastic story! I have a few myself. 1 – A friend of mine wakes up from being passed out and walks into his kitchen and pees on the floor. (this has happened to him 3 times) Once the next morning he slipped and fell in it and his fiance had to explain. 2 – Another friend once woke up from being passed out, opened his dresser drawer and sat down and peed. We always found it strange that he sat down.

    • Haha!! Friend #1 might want to think about installing a toilet in his kitchen. What is this phenomenon with peeing in weird places? Scrapbooks, dresser drawers? Do they liken opening these things to raising the toilet seat? Because I just don’t see the resemblance.

  12. Shudder!!!! Thank god I have not encountered that though I do know of the odd person who had to be guided to the bathroom while they where on their way to mistake the kitchen pantry for the bathroom. Luckily they were stopped before marking their territory…..

  13. Haha reminds me of the time I woke up and my dad was peeing on our tv. He was drunk of course.

    Another time I went out with a group of people including my sister and her boyfriend. We got really drunk and the next morning the blanket I was using was wet!!! Near my feet. Of course it was piss, but nobody ever confessed to peeing on my feet that night haha!

    • On your TV?? I hope it didn’t short circuit. I hope HE didn’t short circuit once he sobered up. Ooh, that sucks.

      So you never found out who whizzed on your feet? Who am I kidding, I wouldn’t confess to that either.

    • Ha – is your sister a cat? My friend’s cat used to do that all the time. I’ve always been afraid of talking in my sleep, but if I had to choose, I’d definitely go with that over sleep-peeing.

  14. Wow! This is hilarious. I was expecting a story of people peeing in their sleep, not people who mistake beds or books for toilets.
    I have never encountered any of this, but I do have a story of the camping trip on our last year of high school when we were all drunk, my drunkest friend had been yelling that she wanted to go dancing and that the tour guide was hot (he was 40 and sleeping on the tent next to us). Then I got up to pee I(inside a toilet) and when I came back I found a puddle of vomit where I had been laying, in this case pee saved me lol

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