Every now and then, I receive a request from a reader, asking me to blog about a certain topic. And every now and then, I oblige. I’m sort of like a wedding deejay, but without the vest.
Today is one of those nows and thens. So congratulations, Mr. C. Ungor! I hereby grant your request. This fine chap wanted to know my thoughts on the difference between “making love” and (cover your eyes, children) “fucking.”
Amid the 10,000+ expressions used to describe fornication, these two represent opposite ends of the spectrum, with “fucking” being the crudest and “making love” being the most vomit-inducing.
Of course, technically speaking, both of these terms are referring to the same general action: insert penis in vagina and move it all around. But so many other variables are at play that can qualify the act as one or the other.
It got me thinking, what are some sure-fire signs that indicate which act one is performing? Here’s what I came up with:
You’re making love if… you’re doing it on a heart-shaped bed covered in rose petals.
You’re fucking if… you’re doing it in a bathroom stall at a bar that features a mechanical bull.
You’re making love if… you’re me, masturbating to Jason Bateman.
You’re fucking if… you’re a hip-hop artist whose name begins with “Lil’.”
You’re making love if… you’re doing it to the musical stylings of Sade.
You’re fucking if… you’re doing it to the musical stylings of Pitbull.
Okay, okay. I’ll admit it… I just sort of made these up. I didn’t find them in Wikipedia or anything. But they’re mostly true… right?
I’d say most people likely look at fucking as completely carnal and void of emotion, while making love involves, you know, love. However, there are many variations within the making love vs. fucking matrix. For example:
- It is possible to fuck someone you are in love with. (And it is awesome.)
- It is possible to make love to someone you are not in love with. (But only if you are high on ecstasy.)
- It is possible for one person to be making love while the other is fucking. (Usually, the one making love does not realize he/she is being fucked by the other — literally and figuratively.)
And to complicate things further, sometimes you’re really not making love or fucking. Sometimes you’re just “having sex.” Married people do it all the time.
Take, for example, the opening scene in Bridesmaids (my new favorite movie). Jon Hamm, who plays an impossibly loveable dickweed, is most definitely fucking Kristen Wiig. But Kristen is just having sex with him. She’s not in love with him and doesn’t even seem to be enjoying herself, but he’s hot and having sex with him is better than staying home baking cupcakes for herself.
This is not to portray having sex in a negative light, as it can still be quite enjoyable. Unless, perhaps, you are Katie Holmes. But to be clear, it’s different than fucking. Or making love.
So how do you know when you’re doing which and who’s doing what?
Mr. Ungor (the reader who requested the post, if you’ve forgotten) said he thought the general female perspective is that making love usually means doing it slowly and with eye contact. I must say, I personally feel more of a connection when there is eye contact.
BUT, someone could be looking you straight in the eye while slowly fucking your brains out. That sounds kinda hot, actually.
Okay, here’s the real, honest-to-goodness deal. Whether you’re fucking or making love or having sex lies in the mind of the fucker or love-maker or sex-haver. In other words, you’re fucking if you think you’re fucking and you’re making love if you think you’re making love. Speed, location and surrounding smells don’t matter.
And also, in reality, I believe that “making love” is a euphemism invented by a) pastors and church ladies who felt compelled to make the act of intercourse sound pure or b) Latino men trying to lure white chicks into the sack.
That said, if your partner is going to feel more special if you look them in the eyes and gyrate in slowmo, then why not oblige from time to time? If she likes it slow, do it slow sometimes. And if he likes it fast, do it fast sometimes. It’s all about give and take. Who gives a crap what you call it? A little less conversation, a little more action, baby.
See how that works? Someone had a request, and I fulfilled it. Now, go out and fulfill your partner’s request, whether you’re making love, fucking, having sex, knocking boots or bumping uglies.
Tell me, a) what do you consider to be making love vs. fucking? and b) what is your favorite expression for copulation?
And here’s just a little bit of awesome to kick start your day:
Categories: In My Most Excellent Opinion