Are We Making Love or Are We F-wording?

Every now and then, I receive a request from a reader, asking me to blog about a certain topic. And every now and then, I oblige. I’m sort of like a wedding deejay, but without the vest.

Today is one of those nows and thens. So congratulations, Mr. C. Ungor! I hereby grant your request. This fine chap wanted to know my thoughts on the difference between “making love” and (cover your eyes, children) “fucking.”

Amid the 10,000+ expressions used to describe fornication, these two represent opposite ends of the spectrum, with “fucking” being the crudest and “making love” being the most vomit-inducing.

Of course, technically speaking, both of these terms are referring to the same general action: insert penis in vagina and move it all around. But so many other variables are at play that can qualify the act as one or the other.

It got me thinking, what are some sure-fire signs that indicate which act one is performing? Here’s what I came up with:

You’re making love if… you’re doing it on a heart-shaped bed covered in rose petals.
You’re fucking if…
you’re doing it in a bathroom stall at a bar that features a mechanical bull.

You’re making love if… you’re me, masturbating to Jason Bateman.
You’re fucking if…
you’re a hip-hop artist whose name begins with “Lil’.”

You’re making love if… you’re doing it to the musical stylings of Sade.
You’re fucking if…
you’re doing it to the musical stylings of Pitbull.

Okay, okay. I’ll admit it… I just sort of made these up. I didn’t find them in Wikipedia or anything. But they’re mostly true… right?

I’d say most people likely look at fucking as completely carnal and void of emotion, while making love involves, you know, love. However, there are many variations within the making love vs. fucking matrix. For example:

  • It is possible to fuck someone you are in love with. (And it is awesome.)
  • It is possible to make love to someone you are not in love with. (But only if you are high on ecstasy.)
  • It is possible for one person to be making love while the other is fucking. (Usually, the one making love does not realize he/she is being fucked by the other — literally and figuratively.)

And to complicate things further, sometimes you’re really not making love or fucking. Sometimes you’re just “having sex.” Married people do it all the time.

Take, for example, the opening scene in Bridesmaids (my new favorite movie). Jon Hamm, who plays an impossibly loveable dickweed, is most definitely fucking Kristen Wiig. But Kristen is just having sex with him. She’s not in love with him and doesn’t even seem to be enjoying herself, but he’s hot and having sex with him is better than staying home baking cupcakes for herself.

This is not to portray having sex in a negative light, as it can still be quite enjoyable. Unless, perhaps, you are Katie Holmes. But to be clear, it’s different than fucking. Or making love.

So how do you know when you’re doing which and who’s doing what?

Mr. Ungor (the reader who requested the post, if you’ve forgotten) said he thought the general female perspective is that making love usually means doing it slowly and with eye contact. I must say, I personally feel more of a connection when there is eye contact.

BUT, someone could be looking you straight in the eye while slowly fucking your brains out. That sounds kinda hot, actually.

Okay, here’s the real, honest-to-goodness deal. Whether you’re fucking or making love or having sex lies in the mind of the fucker or love-maker or sex-haver. In other words, you’re fucking if you think you’re fucking and you’re making love if you think you’re making love. Speed, location and surrounding smells don’t matter.

And also, in reality, I believe that “making love” is a euphemism invented by a) pastors and church ladies who felt compelled to make the act of intercourse sound pure or b) Latino men trying to lure white chicks into the sack.

That said, if your partner is going to feel more special if you look them in the eyes and gyrate in slowmo, then why not oblige from time to time? If she likes it slow, do it slow sometimes. And if he likes it fast, do it fast sometimes. It’s all about give and take. Who gives a crap what you call it? A little less conversation, a little more action, baby.

See how that works? Someone had a request, and I fulfilled it. Now, go out and fulfill your partner’s request, whether you’re making love, fucking, having sex, knocking boots or bumping uglies.


Tell me, a) what do you consider to be making love vs. fucking? and b) what is your favorite expression for copulation?

And here’s just a little bit of awesome to kick start your day:

50 replies

  1. So, if its with a celebrity you find attractive, it doesn’t matter, even if you aren’t enjoying it. If its a female celebrity you find fault in, it does matter. This is the type of thing that could be used in studies; “pop culture, sex and the female mind: a look at 1/3 of society’s problems”.

  2. Making love, f#cking, whichever it was, we didn’t care about the construction debris beneath us (once we made it out of the closet and down from the vertical)–his knees and my back were cut to ribbons–HOT!!! And romantic. That’s the same night all my new neighbors learned his name.

    LOVED this post!

  3. I’ve known this guy for about a month. We enjoy each other company, we try together, when we can But our schedules are rough. But when we do, the sex was great. Tried different places, different ways.
    Then on Valentines day, or late night, we ended up at his place. Everything was different. He took his time, he kissed my legs, and made eye contact. It was a wonderful feeling, he stayed in the same postion in the morning. We slept together before, but he had our clothes on.
    I just want to know, was that making love? It’s been going through my head ever since. We still talk another. I don’t want to say anything. It’s been ten years since this had happened to me. Hoping I can have it again.
    I’m just confused of how to deal with it.

    • You have to read the post again, girl. Whether or not it’s “making love” depends on what YOU think. There’s no real definition. It sounds wonderful, so just enjoy it!

  4. Learned from real life experience that if you’re hooking up with an Italian guy, like from Italy with English as second-language, he’ll also call it ‘making love’ and it will be oohhh so charming, but it’s probably just that he doesn’t know the other expressions.

  5. Love-making anal is nothing but a possibility.

    Straight in the butt, slow and cautiously, we’re in love honey.

  6. For me to make love is to have sex with someone you love or you’re in love with, and to fuck is to have wild sex when you’re horny and just want someone to cool off, but yeah you could fuck someone you’re in love with…that’d be a hard passionate sex between two people that are in love how sweet haha

  7. Gramma DelV taught me…

    If it’s in the bugina, it’s making love.

    If it’s in the b-hole, it’s fucking.

    If it’s in the mouth it sure as fuck isn’t me.

    BTW….Denny finally posted again. Perchance it’s a pic of Senor Manaconda

    • Oh mah gawd. Me cants believes me eyes. Not fair of you to tease me with a pic of Sr. Man then not deliver. Not funny at all.

      Still… I’m over the moon to see my Den Den’s constipated alien avatar. And by the way, Denny, bugina, b-hole or mouth, if it’s with you, it’s all good with me.

  8. i honestly could NOT have summed that up more perfectly. you are a genius. an effing genius.. not a lovemaking genius.

    i”ve missed you. i promise not to be away from you for so long ever again. if you were here i’d stare deeply into your eyes so you know i mean it.

    • I’ve missed you, Blunty! So nice to see your face up in here. Maybe soon I’ll show mine again. =/ I’m feeling that deep stare and I must admit it’s making me all tingly inside. Sigh.

  9. Thanks for this! A followup…is it possible to “make love” anally? My girlfriend says no, as it’s a more submissive act, and raunchy. Great blog, thanks!

    • Honey, once again, it lies in the mind of the individual. When your girlfriend says no, I believe it is not possible for HER to make love anally (and that’s okay – don’t try and change it). That doesn’t mean it’s not possible for someone else.

      And you’re welcome 🙂

      • My only anal ‘lovemaking’ experience, which I’m dying to repeat with my new love was incredible, but short. She used a rabbit on her clit the whole time, which brought her to orgasm quite quickly, But, the combination of her muscle contractions, the vibrator pulsing through her pelvic bone, & the fact I’d already made love to her pussy made it impossible not to come. Maybe it was partly the emotion of it, but I don’t think I’ve ever ejaculated so much for so long. I wasn’t prepared for the immediate rush of semen that poured back out around me still in her. So yes, it is possible to ‘make love’. I just wish she could see it that way! How would you view that?

      • How would I view WHAT? I don’t want to view it at all, dood! That’s just a little bit more than I needed to know, and this is coming from me.

        I think you’re not understanding my point. Different people view things differently, and everyone needs to respect and understand that. Trying to change someone just ain’t gonna work. And what does it matter what you call it? Do it the way she likes to please her, and hopefully she will return the favor. If it makes her feel better to call it making love, well, what’s the harm in that? I’m not even sure why it’s an issue, to be frank.

  10. the great thing about “making love” is that it’s totally cool if you cum in 2 minutes, that would never be acceptable in a “fucking’ scenario, TRUTH.

      • Well, of course it’s totally cool if you are a man. So allow me to clarify, from my perspective as a woman. A 2-minute sesh is TOTALLY cool if I don’t really want to be having sex with the guy. If we’re fucking, maybe I’ve discovered he’s not good. Or if we’re making love, maybe I’m just tired. In cases in which I don’t really want to have sex at the moment, for whatever reason, yeah, 2 minutes is WAY cool.

        However, if I’m up and raring to go, I want to to last more than 2 minutes. If I’m in it just for the sex, I’d be really bummed if it was just 2 minutes. If it were someone I was in love with and it didn’t happen all the time and I thought it was an accident, I might be understanding and “cool” about it, but to say I wouldn’t be a little bummed out about it is just wrong. So I disagree with it being “totally cool,” from my perspective anyway.

    • ok, ok, on the real, “totally cool” it may not be BUT if ever a time it could be ,if not acceptable, at the least excusable it would be during “love making”.
      Besides , unless he’s a real selfish ass, you get X amount of foreplay until his mojo comes back OR he’s a god and it doesn’t slow him down at all OR you’re so damn sexy he couldn’t go soft if he wanted it to…skeet or no skeet.
      Obviously , its not the early bird jizzzin that is the issue but the fact you equate that with “show’s over sister good luck with your blue ovaries”.
      which should be made clear, is a whole other kettle of fish.
      Although I was mostly just being a smart ass initially I do feel if ever a time you can be quick to the finish line with out getting destroyed in a single chicks fuck blog , it would be in the context of “love”(gag) and not in the wholly carnal context of sport fucking.
      stay gold

    • yeah , I have taken a lot of shots to the head ,mam… and ever since I’ve never been “quite right”. 🙂

  11. If it starts with me tearing her underwear off her body with my teeth, and then actually ingesting said underwear whilst my tongue goes to work on her furiously, you can bet we’re going to be fucking. I dig fucking. Making love is cool as well. But fucking is where it’s at.

  12. Omg I got 86’d from a bar that featured a mechanical bull bc I was fucking in a bathroom stall. SG, this is getting weird.

    On topic, I really don’t know the difference, but eye contact makes me feel all weird.

    • Why am I not surprised? It wouldn’t surprise me if you were fucking ON the damn bull. But I was right to assume you were not making love, right?

      Not even eye contact with your man? Maybe it’s all those years of getting poked from behind…

  13. lol – I’m being fucked if she’s desperately trying to get hold of my wallet while her vagina is distracting me. Pretty much every other form of intercourse is some shade of lovemaking – So there ya go hun – now……could we do that eye contact while slowly fucking my brains out thing? Please? lol

  14. Call it what you want! If you’re having a good time what difference does I make? I always felt like ‘making love’ was some kind of pressure thing that your girlfriends made into validation of love. Like if you’re ‘making love’ then your relationship is solid but if you’re just fucking it will I nowhere.

    Personally I think the two go hand-in-hand or penis-in-vagina.

    • We place so much emphasis on semantics. I think some folks really just want to know that what they’re doing actually means more than just a roll in the hay, and for them using certain terminology helps define it. Call it whatever you want if that helps you, but it’s what’s in your heart that counts. Awwww.

  15. Yeah, we have lots of words for doing it, but, IMO, what I’m doing with g/f isn’t among those words, not even close. Yer right, sometimes what g/f & I do is simply get off and I agree, that can be tons of fun. But usually we are doing something much more giving connected and enduring (which may involve eye contact and slow movements or not). I agree, the term “making love” is insipid to the point of being sickening. So what is it that people who like each other and want to keep connection do??? We don’t have that word in English and its a striking observation of our culture that the word hasn’t yet been created and we don’t seem to be able to find the right term(s). Do other languages/cultures have this problem?

    BTW, in your framing of fucking vs. love making, isn’t this all about giving and taking? And that goes far beyond sexual intimacy.

    • Hecks yeah, give and take goes way beyond sex. Or at least, it should.

      Why don’t you guys make up a name for what you do yourselves? Maybe “transcend the terrestrial into a state of nirvanic euphoria?”

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