I’ve been working out for many years, but it only recently dawned on me that the gym is an outstanding place to meet men. Let’s face it, the entire place is rife with erogenous overtones. Have you heard some of the noises people make at the gym? Half the time I turn around expecting to find someone masturbating.
But more importantly, you can perform overtly sexual come-hither moves at the gym that would get you arrested if carried out in any other public arena.
Still not sold? Here are five moves that are guaranteed to get you lucky:
1. Chest Fly Machine
I don’t know much about proper form on weight machines, but I do know that men like to see boobs being pushed together. Luckily, there is a machine at the gym that allows you to do just that with no one questioning your motives: the chest fly machine! Select your man-candy and make eye contact as you squeeeeeeeze your jugs together like you’re trying to crack a nut between them. Just wait… I see a motorboat in your future!
2. Thigh Adductor Machine
If boobies aren’t your strong suit — or you prefer to get straight to the point – nothing invites a penis like the thigh adductor machine. Where else but the gym can you get away with posing spread eagle and putting the vajay center stage? Wait until a hottie is working out in front of you, then BAM. Open wide, baby. One word of caution: make sure your situation down there is in order. Sweaty crotch and errant tampon strings are known boner killers.
Quiz: What is the most basic — and simultaneously titillating — yoga pose? Why, downward facing dog, of course! Nothing is more enticing to a potential suitor than a well-executed adho mukha svanasana. If we were in the animal kingdom, thrusting your ass skywards in this manner would be known as “presenting.” Take advantage! Put your mat in front of the cutie with the nice arms and wink at him through your legs while hanging out doggie-style. Since you’re already in the position, yogaboy just might mount you right there in class, and to that I say bow-wow-wow-yippee-yo-yippee-yay!
Zumba is South America’s gift to American men. It would not surprise me at all if I discovered a stash of Zumba DVDs next to an economy-sized bottle of Jergens in a dude’s top drawer. Loosely translated, Zumba means, “to shake the breasts violently.” My Zumba teacher has double D’s — when she teaches class, seismologists within a 200-mile radius prepare for the worst. Zumba is also famous for its rapid pelvic thrusts — an obvious turn-on for any red-blooded, living male. Be sure to stand by the window in plain view, then hump the air with all the gusto you can muster and shimmy those fun bags till your biceps are bruised.
I know, squats don’t look sexy. They look like you’re about to lay a big turd on the floor. However, the exercise simulates the up and down motion of woman-on-top sex and strengthens the quadriceps, which comes in handy while you’re atop him performing the reverse cowgirl. When men see you do squats, they immediately imagine you tearing their shit up in the bedroom. And if squats don’t lure your target of lust into your pleasure zone, you’ll still find them useful when using public toilets.
Well, what are you waiting for, ladies? Grab some spandex and let’s get physical!
Categories: In My Most Excellent Opinion