This past Fourth of July, millions of Americans witnessed fireworks displays in and around their neighborhoods. And I, too, experienced some great balls o’ fire myself. That’s right, Sammy, I celebrated our nation’s independence by grabbing my three favorite gay men and running to the nearest theater to watch Magic Mike!

It was everything I’d hoped it would be and more. I mean, when the first scene starts with a well-lit shot of Channing Tatum’s naked ass, how can you go wrong?

Instead of writing up the standard review, I thought I’d play a little Boff, Marry or Kill — Magic Mike edition. The way Boff, Marry or Kill works is thus: out of a group of given individuals, you must select the one you would boff, the one you would marry and, finally, the one you’d kill.

Are you ready? Here we go.

Boff: Channing Tatum

Okay, judging by physical appearance alone, The Kid (Alex Pettyfer) was the hottest of them all. But Magic Mike (Channing Tatum) had the moves – and not like Jagger. Mike’s moves makes Jagger’s look like those of a shriveled-up, geriatric bag of bones. Oh… that’s exactly what Jagger is, isn’t it? But seriously, Tatum’s like a male Shakira with rock-hard pecs and arms like Superman. When you see what his pelvis does on stage it’s not hard to imagine what it’ll do on you. I’m telling you, after the film ended the ushers had to bring in a wet vac to clean up my area.

One thing is for certain: I’d let Magic Mike pull out his wand and hocus-pocus me any day of the week.

Check this out for just a teeny, tiny teaser of what he can do. This is nothing – just wait till he comes out as Robocop.

Hello? Oh, sorry, I just watched that 132 times in a row.

Marry: Cody Horn

Yeah, I know, she’s a girl. But let me tell you the cold, hard truth, ladies: none of the other characters in this film are marriage material. They’re male strippers, yo. They get laid every day of the week and thrice on Sunday. They’re swimming in so much pussy the Humane Society has put them under investigation for hoarding. Their party habits make Lindsay Lohan look like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. And the only married guy in the crew pimps out his wife’s tits to anyone who’s up for a squeeze. Brooke (Cody Horn) is the only stable one of the bunch: she has an apartment, a conscience and a job that requires her to cover her crotch at all times. No brainer.

Kill: Matthew McConaughey

As the smarmy, overly-tanned strip club owner, Dallas is the character Matthew McConaughey was born to play. He’s actually excellent in the role. But I’ve never really been a McConaughey fan. I get that he is attractive, but something about his lack of humility, his almost-mullet, or his accent – which sounds less like Southern charm and more like a plantation owner at a slave auction – just never did it for me. But more than anything, I’d have to kill Matthew McConaughey based on this outfit alone.

If you haven’t yet seen this film and are a hetero female, gay male or bisexual either, then for the love of God, what are you waiting for?! The dance sequences alone are worth the price of admission. Lesbians and straight dudes, maybe not. Unless you’re looking to pick up a few pointers.

So… who would you boff, marry and kill?

(By the way, suggestions for future Boff, Marry, Kill subjects are welcome.)