A Holiday Letter from Single Girl Blogging

This post was inspired by a series at The Impersonals, taking aim at those annoying holiday “round up” letters we all get from friends and family this time of year. I originally wrote this for them but my ass was too late to make the deadline so it gets dumped here for you all to enjoy. That’s right, you guys were my Plan B. Merry happy!

***

Hello merry asswipes,

I wanted to let you know that I have received your “holiday round-up” letters accompanied by the always-nauseating snapshots of your demon spawn grinning in Santa Claus hats. And out of respect for our friendship, I shall keep these photos amid my ever-growing pile of coupons and unpaid bills until December 26 before throwing them in the alley dumpster for a homeless pedophile to discover and jack off to.

I also want to thank you for your thoughtfulness – you intuitively knew I couldn’t get enough of seeing your kids’ ugly mugs all over Facebook throughout this year and just had to have a hard copy in the event of a power outage. Now I have something to burn when the heat goes out! I love you.

However, I must confess – I didn’t actually read your letter. The first two sentences sent me into a slumber so deep I drooled all over your monogrammed stationary, rendering your novella illegible. But I’ll betcha I can guess the plot: You and the hubby have been working hard all year but still found time to take the entire clan to Hawaii, where you all got a well-deserved lei (lol!). Ashton’s joined little league, tae kwon do, pole vaulting and a myriad of other sports Hal forced him into so he won’t turn gay. And sweet, little Sophia received a gold medal for being positively average. Goooooo Mendelbaums!

As for me? Yes, I am still single. No, I do not know why. And if you offer one more time to set me up with that slightly portly but “really great guy” friend of yours in Oregon, I will tag an assortment of unflattering photos of you on Facebook AND tell everyone you got Botox.

But don’t feel sorry for me. Although I may spend Christmas day crying alone in a can of lentil soup, on New Year’s Eve my still-slender single ass will be bouncing atop a smokin’ hot, gender-bending Latino go-go dancer with rock-hard abs at Miss Kitty’s Fantasy Fetish Ball. But you and the kids enjoy First Night in the ‘burbs.

Since you were so kind as to include a photograph of your loved ones, I’ve done the same. So to you and yours from me, my 10-speed vibrator and my bong:

HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS!!!

xmasgirlie

No, it’s not actually me. It’s depraved Taylor Swift.

Love & Xanax,

singlegirlie

38 replies

  1. Hilarious! I actually love receiving those holiday cards because it’s fun to pass judgment on everyone else’s kids. Like, “wow, that one turned out uglier than you’d expect”. Or, “whoa, when he’s 18 in ten years, I’d totally bang him”. Shameful, I know.

  2. That was hysterical! And so true! Why do married friends always think you’re being vain when you’re not interested in a porker??!

    • I think people are actually trying to be nice is some cases, as in, “You’re such a catch – why are you still single?” But it’s a stupid question with no simple answer, unless of course you consciously choose to be single… which in most cases, we actually are, we just don’t want to be in an unsatisfying relationship with someone we’re not crazy about… Um, I’m going to stop there. See? No simple answer. So best not to ask.

  3. Wow that was great. I have to say that your blog is refreshing to read for guy back in the dating trenches. It is great to be reminded that women have all the craziness also. Happy Holidays!

  4. Thank you for this! this holiday season couldn’t have been more annoying, as it is my 3rd one in a row being the only single person in my family. people are more on my shit than ever before. actual conversation at the dinner table christmas day:

    my aunt: “how old did you just turn?” (my bday is 12/17)
    me: “25!”
    my aunt: “do you have hope chest?”
    me: “no…”
    my aunt: “do you still have hope?”
    me: not completely 100% sure of what she was suggesting, i said, “um, some days…”
    aunt: “well, i didn’t get married until i was 26, so you still have some time.”

    OH OK! I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS ABOUT TO FCKN EXPIRE. THANKS.

      • haha I know – I’m just the damn leper in the family. love your blog. happy new year!

        ps- my married friend invited me to her new years eve party & my single friend invited me to his new years eve party …i’ll let you guess which event I’ve chosen to attend 😉

  5. I have a theory about those damned letters – the longer they are, the closer the couple is to divorce. The year my friend sent us a 4 page letter – with intriguing details such as “we got Tevo!” – she was divorced by the spring. Long Christmas letters are like the truck lift kit of relationships. I’d rather be single than trapped in a craptastic marriage – so don’t cry, Single Girlie, I love you.

  6. I have to say I was not having the best of day but this MADE my day along with my Christmas AND NYE!!!! Thank you so much! Hahahahaha

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