It’s play time, children! Today we’re talking sex toys, and joining me is the chief head Chowderhead himself, Chowderhead. This was all his idea, so you have him to thank for what’s to come (snicker), and be sure to check out his side-splitting blog.
Truth be told, although I’ve always been completely fascinated by sex toys, I’m not much of a consumer of them myself. In fact, my starter vibe hasn’t seen any action since before we knew what a Kardashian was (good times… sigh). But today we bring you the freakiest of the freaky, the kinkiest of the kinky, the Single Girl Blogging Sex Toy Extravaganza! (Or, Weird Sex Toys That Will Never See My Junk.) Kick us off, Chowderhead!
CH: It’s a damn good thing the power is out, because that dead flashlight you think you’re waving around in the dark is actually your pocket pussy that you left on the counter last night, genius. Seriously, who came up with the bright idea of disguising a rubber vagina as a flashlight? Was the intent so that you wouldn’t have to go through the trouble of burying it in the bottom of your sock drawer? Just throw it on the garage shelf, between the socket set and tire iron. And five gallon bucket of lube.
SG: Aw, come on, Chowder! When I first saw the Fleshlight I wished I had a penis so bad that I could stick in this thing. Although I will say the labia are a mite disturbing. There’s a version for gay men that instead has teeny tiny asscheeks. So you could pretend you’re fucking Stuart Little or Tom Cruise or something.
Glitter Glam Triple Play Vibrator
You really have to watch this shiz in action. Seriously.
SG: Has your pallid little pocket rocket left you feeling a little dry? Nothing will spark up your self-love sessions like the Glitter Glam Triple Play. Ladies, this is not a vibrator, it is a three-ring circus. After a few seconds I expected a midget in a tutu to pop out and start tap dancing. This monstrosity has got more bells and whistles than Lindsay Lohan’s ankle monitor. With a rotating penis head, three rows of swirling G-spot beads, a pulsating clit stimulator and an anal tickler – the Triple Play is so intimidating, the first time I saw it my hymen grew back.
CH: It’s now evident to me that some people really take their masturbation seriously, and this appears to be the “Bentley” of female sex toys. I honestly can’t find one good reason for a woman to pursue a man after this carnival ride.
CH: At first glance I thought this was some kind of white supremacy propaganda, but it turns out that some chicks enjoy having an arm injected into their love donut. Sheesh. I guess there’s more than one avenue for carrying out a tonsillectomy?
SG: Silly boy, The Fist is for butt donuts. Although it does seem a bit superfluous, as most humans already have two fists of their own. Perhaps a paraplegic’s best friend?
SG: In an ambitious attempt to replicate the act of cunnilingus, the folks at Lovehoney bring us the Sqweel: a series of silicone tongues on a motorized wheel that goes round and round to pleasure your nethers. And it might in fact do just that, but I’ll never know it because that thing ain’t coming anywhere near my vag. This looks like something out of a 1960s horror film, and I personally don’t want 10 severed tongues jabbing at my lady bits. Last night I had a nightmare it was chasing me around the house trying to lick me to death. I’d rather slap peanut butter on my clit and let the neighbor’s pug do the job.
CH: Eat your heart out Gene Simmons. Your gross llama-tongue ain’t got nothing on this enthusiastic contraption. It seems logical to assume that there is a direct correlation between technological advancement and males soon becoming a defunct bedroom requirement. But, on the bright side, we may finally be able to close out the question of how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center… Shwing!
CH: While some people are stocking up on key chain mace and honing their jujitsu take-downs, others are role-playing scenarios that the members of group A are trying to prevent. What in god’s name is wrong with missionary sex, people?! I have a hard enough time producing a stiffy after a couple of beers, let alone when my arms and legs are hogtied to a bed frame. Lastly, sex, along with every other activity here on earth, requires breathing — something that is difficult to do with a black garbage bag wrapped around your pie hole.
SG: Hold up, Chowder. Can’t you see this thing is BRILLIANT?! We’ve finally found the perfect way to bang a butterface!
Happy Ride Vibrating Bicycle Seat
SG: Someone call Al Gore, because I think we’ve just found the solution to global warming. Why the hell didn’t Greenpeace think of this? If you want to get citizens on bikes, you have to get them off. I myself have refused to ride a bicycle here in the City of Angels for fear of getting steamrolled by angst-filled LA drivers. But it just may be worth the risk for this Happy Ride – and if I end up as roadkill, at least I’ll die happy.
CH: I don’t think they sell this model outside of Amsterdam, yo.
SG: Now this one I get. Penetration and a tongue job simultaneously? Lesbianism, here I come! Or of course, your man could just attach a mini Sqweel above his johnson for a similar effect.
And the bad assiest motherfucking freakarrific big daddy sex accoutrement of them all…
Strap-on Urinal Gag
Warning: contains puns.
SG: Gee whiz! (See what I did there?) I have seen some crazy sex toys in my day, but this one takes the cake (and there?). Has your partner been really, really baaaad? Then seize this golden opportunity to chow down some asparagus, chug a forty and make ‘em your own personal urinal. And if they still misbehave, I’m afraid you’ll have to resort to plan Number Two.
CH: Oh my. I just don’t understand this fetish. I think I’d rather get lost on a Safari jungle tour and rot from the inside out due to malaria and dehydration then get eaten by tarantulas and cannibals before I drink someone else’s pee. I don’t even like using public urinals, yet alone becoming one…
SG: On the flip side, this could come in handy during long road trips.
A big shout out to Joe and my friends at the world-famous Pleasure Chest for allowing me to explore your toys. From sexy underthings to, well, strap-on urinals, these guys will help you get your kink on whatever your pleasure. Be safe, y’all.