I have a confession to make: I fucking hate New Year’s Eve. I’ve honestly had it with the overwhelming social pressure to go-out-and-have-a-fuck-ton-of-fun-or-else on this most overhyped night of the year. I apologize if I offend all the party people inna house, but it’s true.
I wasn’t always such a wet blanket. Like every 20-something who thinks vomiting out your nose is a lofty goal, I used to look forward to New Year’s Eve the way a pedophile looks forward to his first day on the job as the mall Santa. But as each NYE passed, I began to quickly realize that what was supposed to be a rip-roarin’ eve o’pleasure never quite lived up to my expectations.
These days, a night out on New Year’s sounds about as appealing as a three-way with my parents. I’ll give you six reasons why:
1. The “Are-You-Fucking-Kidding-Me” Cost
At the risk of sounding all George Costanza-y, I have to say that everything on this night is more overpriced than a pack of Corn Nuts in the Ritz Carlton minibar. A two-star restaurant will charge upwards of $150 a head for a prix-fixe menu offering the equivalent of SpaghettiO’s and a Kit Kat with whipped cream. Clubs sucker party-goers into forking over $250 for a VIP pass, which affords you a glass of cheap sparkling wine and a plastic kazoo at midnight. And if you live in LA like yours truly, you must choose to pay $75 to park your car 10 blocks from the bar, $95 for a cab you’ll have to wait three hours for, or $250 for an Uber whose driver may or may not be a rapist.
2. The “OMG-I’m-Freezing-My-Tits-Off” Dress
There’s really no such thing as stepping out casual on New Year’s unless you’re going to some sort of church-sponsored shuffleboard tournament. Dressy attire is required as is the obligation to look smokin’ hot, and if you’re a woman that generally means something strapless, or at the very least, strappy. I’d have no problem with this requisite if it were July, but it’s the goddamn dead of winter and it’s colder than Jack Frost’s balls. Yes, even in LA. In fact, it’s worse in LA, because establishments here don’t believe in coat checks, which means you’re tying your parka around your waist all night, which kinda ruins the effect of the cutout midriff on the frock you just paid $189 for at Bebe.
3. The “Fuck-Me-I’m-In-Hella-Pain” Heels
No matter how hard you try, you just can’t pull off flats with sequins, so heels it must be. On a good night, I can hang for maybe two hours tops in these veritable torture devices, and that’s if I’m mostly sitting. But on New Year’s, you gotta stick it out till at least 12:30, which means I’ve got a date with the podiatrist next week. Trust me, Cinderella’s shoe didn’t just fall off at the stroke of midnight. The bitch flung that damn thing far, far away, then ran home to nurse her newfound plantar fasciitis.
4. The “Don’t-Even-Come-Near-Me” Drunks
Because most Americans seem to think the point of New Year’s is to get as fucked up as Courtney Love on a Tuesday, there is always some a-hole who spills his drink down the back of your backless $189 Bebe dress, which will inevitably ooze down your buttcrack and saturate your thong so you’ll feel like you’ve pissed yourself all night. And then he’ll hit on you.
5. The “Thanks-But-Can-We-Not” Kiss
It’s midnight and you’ve kicked and elbowed your way through the crowd to casually perch yourself next to the hottest guy in the club. As the ball drops, you turn to him for a smooch and he’s tongue wrestling with the second hottest guy in the club. You turn to your other side to find what looks like Dick Clark’s corpse grinning at you with mustard-hued teeth.
6. The Designated “I-Hate-All-Of-You-Tonight” Driver
Nobody wants this job, and for good reason. You are forced to pay an overinflated cover charge to watch your friends get stoopid all night, then play dodgeball with your car amid the drunk drivers in an effort to make it home alive. And with the police checkpoints on the road, you really can’t play the “I’ll stop drinking at midnight then sober up” game, because you’re likely to wind up not only blowing a >.08 BAC that evening, but also a 250-pound inmate named Raul.
Still, each December 31, I find myself weighing these six most excellent reasons to stay home against the one ridiculously flimsy reason to go out: to avoid feeling like a big fat loser sitting on my couch alone on New Year’s Eve.
Honest to Betsy, my dream New Year’s celebration is to have another loser sitting next to me on the couch drinking champagne in PJs and making fun of talentless pop stars on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, then passing out at 12:05. Ahhh.
Alas, it looks like that’s not going to happen this year. Welp, guess I’d better go to the mall to look for a dress. Maybe Bebe is having a sale.
Categories: In My Most Excellent Opinion, Something is Wrong with Me
Single Girl Blogging 
I am with you girlie! Now I look forward to spending it at someone’s house with flats on and a cocktail! When I have a man I will look forward to spending it at home with him getting drunk, eating a bunch of food, and screwing our brains out! Until then, low key all the way!
Hilarious and true. I feel the same for almost all parties.
Do you know this actually came up in conversation yesterday. A friend got a bill in the post for a little party they threw – and he sat down saying wow that was expensive. I didn’t go so didnt feel it appropriate to comment but it’s probably one of the reasons people DONT do things on NYE! Great post
Thanks, love. Yes, you have to take out a loan just to go out on NYE. No, thanks.
very funny… and all too true!
“The Kiss” That was pretty funny! It’s so true. I’m usually standing next to that MINWF who keeps bumping into my arm and spilling her White Russian all over my shoes.
And they always use the word “handsome”. I fucking hate that word. My Grandma calls me handsome.
And why do my comments still get moderated! GEEZ! Can’t I get like a backstage pass already or something?!
You know what? I don’t know why you keep getting moderated! I have it set up so repeating users are auto-approved. Oh, wait, I think I know why… I will DM you…
Uh, what’s a MINWF? Oh wait… mom I never would… fondle? And what’s wrong with handsome? Isn’t it better than “cute”?
Hope you made it through NYE in one piece. I stayed home and watched Kathy Griffin molest Anderson Cooper on CNN. It sounded like the same thing do to since it’s Canada cold here not California cold and the other five reasons still apply here as well as there.
Great post! 🙂 I hope this NYE you’ll find yourself that hot crazy cute loser sitting next beside you 🙂
yeah, I agree. NYE is overrated, but I also always go out…eh, what can I do? I’d feel really bad if I stayed at home.
I guess that kinda sums it up, doesn’t it?
I was sad about being single this NYE, but then I rememebered last year I did have a guy. We stayed in our pjs and drank and watched a movie. Sounds fun, right? Well we fought about what movie to watch. He told me I wasn’t allowed to eat dessert because It was against my New Years resolution. And he yelled at me when I got hungry and at a bagel at midnight. . . So efff that. I’m glad I got rid of him and I would rather be alone than crying.
Damn straight, girl. I felt the same way about Christmas with my ex. Dealing with his dysfunctional family, how he’s too broke to get me a gift (although he could get himself useless shit), how he’s too busy to see my parents at Xmas. Eff that. Way better off alone. Happy new year!
I laughed so hard. This is precisely why I’ve stayed home for the last 3ish years, and why I’ll stay home again tonight. I’ll be drinking a bottle of wine with my Florida friends via Skype, and passing out after midnight eastern time. I never make it to 12:00 MT.
Oh, a Skype party! Sounds pretty awesome. I’m about to get read to go out, but it will be low key. Even thinking of trading my heels in for combat boots. It will be awesome.
Hoo ha ha, great to see you back in your full on snarky form. Regardless of topic, NYE, dating, eradication of polio, you are an amusing read and, speaking for the masses of your readership, we needed it! Against all my instincts (why are instincts always f-ed up?), I’m staying in, hoping that a few friends (other losers….) will stop by and help me drink the bottle of champagne gifted to me last NYE in anticipation of, in the end, unanswered hopes.
Aw, thanks for the kind words. Stay in and be glad you don’t have to deal with all the NYE BS. And there’s always hope for next year. Cheers!
I have had some amazing New Year’s Eves – or Hogmanays, depending on where I am in the country – and some decidedly lacklustre ones. I know for a fact I started enjoying them more when I didn’t try too hard or think too much about it, or see any ‘meaning’ in it other than it being a great excuse to drink champagne until you vomit BLOOD.
This year will be quiet and indoors. But there will be fizz.
Hog-what? Must be a British thing. Just like inverting the e & r in “lacklustre.” Quite curious, I must say.
Quiet and indoors with fizz sounds absolutely perfect. Enjoy it, my good man. xx
I’m with you. I loved NYE as a kid because my parents would have a party, and their friends would bring along their kids (aka my friends) and I’d stay up super late. Now, the thought of paying $50 to stand in a crowded bar seems insanely awful.
Oh, right? As a kid, NYE was so FUN! You got to stay up till midnight! And your parents didn’t really give a shit what you did because they were getting drunk themselves. Ah, those were the days.
Yes! Thank you! Being alone on NYE is worse than being alone at Christmas and V-Day. Being single isn’t horrid, but nights like these it would be nice to have a man to chill with on the couch.
I hope this year’s hot guy isn’t gay and you get to enjoy your midnight kiss!
Totally agree. I suspect the only kiss I’ll be getting is from my cat. Happy new year to you!
“I used to look forward to New Year’s Eve the way a pedophile looks forward to his first day on the job as the mall Santa”
LMAO! Great post! I hope that, whatever you decide to do, you enjoy it, bebe dress or not. 🙂 Happy NYE!
Thanks, sweet lady. Happy new year to you too!