6 Reasons Why Having a Boy Toy Rocks My World

I realize it has been some time since I wrote anything about my life. I mean, sure, I’ve shared my opinion on a few matters, gave away some condoms and engaged in general bitching, but I haven’t said much about my dating or sex life in a spell. Today, that changes.

I have an important announcement to make. I have recently joined the ranks of superdivas Cher, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez and Mariah Carey — and I’m not even an über fierce, over-the-top gay icon. But I might be now. Because I, my friends, have a boy toy. A hot one.

jloboytoy

Sorry, J. Lo, mine’s hotter.

Mind you, by no means did I go out prowling the local Dave & Buster’s all couged out and draping my leg over the Full Throttle Zombie Mania 4D machine. The boy came to me — on OkCupid of all places.

You’re very beautiful. Maybe we should make some margaritas together,” his message said.

Now, normally when I receive a message from a 23-year-old twink I just ignore it. I’m looking for someone I might actually have a future with, plus I really don’t know much about Snapchat or filling out grad school applications or Maria Menounos’s boobs.

But this guy was a FOX, y’all, and I mean for real. After reading his message online I actually looked over my shoulder to make sure he wasn’t talking to someone behind me.

He said he is attracted to older women because he finds them more confident, experienced and well-dressed, plus some women just look better with age. Like I was going to argue?

At first, I felt a bit awkward about the whole thing. I mean, 23? This kid was still shitting green. I wasn’t terribly familiar with the rules of being a cougar, but I did know I didn’t have the funds to have my butt fat injected into my lips or buy a whole new leopard print wardrobe.

I shared Boy Toy’s photo with my gay bf and asked for his take on the matter:

“Well, sometimes the Universe works in mysterious ways,” was his reply.

“What the hell does that mean?” I said.

“It means send a boob pic and ask what time!” he said.

I swear to Mariah, he is like a modern day Confucius.

So now Boy Toy and I have been a thing for a few months now, we never leave the house, and frankly, it’s the most satisfying relationship I’ve had in a long time.

In fact, there are so many upsides to having a boy toy I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. I’ll give you six reasons why mine rocks:

1. He aims to please, and does

The first time I got supine with his behind, he looked me straight in the eye and said, “I just want to please you.” Um, is further commentary even necessary? And let me tell you, I don’t know or care who he perfected his craft with, but even at the tender age of way-too-young-for-me, sonny boy knows exactly what to do to make my neighbors bang on the wall and tell me to shut the fuck up.

megryan2

2. He’s got the stamina of Lance Armstrong on ‘roids

Of course, the sexual satisfaction doesn’t stop at his skill set. Long gone are the days of three pumps and a Kleenex grab — this tyke’s got all-natural Cialis running through his veins. Truth be told, it was a little much at first. I was like, hey, granny needs to get some shut-eye so can we please wrap it up, junior? But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? So now I just say fuck it, enjoy the ride, and go to work the next day looking tore up like Kesha after a weekend bender.

muffinsnake

3. He helped me set up my new smart TV

As if the good looks and sexual prowess weren’t enough, the whiz kid got my fancy new TV up and running, and you are darn tootin’ that shit got me damp. I don’t know what kind of technological sorcery these tots are privy to, but he secured all the wires and plugs and doodads in their rightful homes and we were watching Orange is the New Black within 10 minutes. He even showed me how to use the clicker and programmed the remote on my iPad. Believe you me, without his aid I would still be sitting on the couch staring quizzically at a 50-inch screen filled with this:

tvsnow

4. He makes math and science interesting

Boy Toy is somewhat of a math and science nerd. I, for one, know as much about math and science as I do about what Dick Cheney had for breakfast today. (Although my guess would be flame-broiled baby seals?) However, he has piqued my interest and we have meaningful conversations about drones and sub-atomic particles and wormholes, and I now know that these have nothing to do with bugs.

In essence, I actually learn cool stuff from this barely legal buck. And learning is phat. Okay, maybe I need to brush up on my young people vernacular.

molecules

5. He hung out with me on Valentine’s Day and didn’t make it weird

Being with a new-ish guy around this time of year can be as awkward as a wet queef. He’s certainly not my boyfriend, but he’s a bit more than a fuck buddy. I actually enjoy spending time with him – even when my legs aren’t behind my ears.

So on February 13, just as I was pondering how to say “I’d like to hang out with you on Valentine’s Day but that doesn’t mean I want a relationship or anything,” he beat me to it and suggested take out and a House of Cards binge-a-thon with nary a mention of the dreadful holiday. Best Valentine’s ever.

valentines-day-someecards

6. He likes to do it to cool music

Have you ever heard of Tame Impala, Purity Ring or Phantogram? I hadn’t either until boy toy pulled them up on Spotify. These are some super sexy beats to get busy to, and now I’ve got a bunch of new songs added to my “Doin’ It” playlist.

beyonceslapping

Now, I am fully aware that this is going nowhere and honestly, I don’t expect it to. In fact, I think the reason this relationship is so successful is because of the complete lack of expectations. We hang out when we feel like it, text each other now and then, and it’s extremely comfortable.

He’s moving away in the fall and I’m still dating, searching for the ever-elusive “one.” But until then, I am having the fucking time of my life, superdiva-style. In fact, I’ll leave you with a quote from my all-time favorite superdiva, the incomparable Queen Cher:

“A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.”
You got that shit right, sister.
***
Have you ever had a boy toy? Have you ever been a boy toy? How’d that work out for you?

201 replies

  1. I’m doing some research for my book and googled whether it’s toy boy or boy toy and came across this blog post. OMGGGggg I laughed so hard I snorted my green tea. You rock girlfriend. I hope things are still on the chirpy side of life.

  2. My 24 yr old boy toy is fit, funny, and obsessed with the 80s. Which is great because I was born in the 80s (1983). Lol. He’s the most incredible lover and a good friend and I hope we can fool around for a while. Like you said, we know it’s not meant to last, but why not have the time of our lives while we can?

    • Full time boytoy and slave to my Mistress, here. ^_^
      Never had such a great time in my life.

      Honestly, mature ladies rock.. then again I am totally pansexual so I honestly only care about the character.. which just because a blast at later ages. ^^

  3. I’ve was just approached by a 24 yr old fine as fine can be boy toy I’m 37.. But people say I look 30.. I have a small waist large booty.. He told me all the things he wanted to do to me.. I laughed and moved on he found me again and asked for my # I gave it to him no harm he was persistent.. The texting started and then picture man oh man.. This kid is young but damn he had game.. I talked this over with my closets friend she told me to brace it I only live once.. Well I too have jumped in to the ranks of Mariah, Madonna and Cher! I can’t believe I use to let age stop me.. I can say he have the best back massage and knew all the right things to do!
    Thank you boy toys!

  4. Loving it! Decided to make it my mission for 2014 to “hire” a toy boy…not dissapointed! Been an adventure so far…too cute for words and he is an old soul which makes it even more perfect 😉

  5. Oh good GAWD, my girl, you have the right of it! My ex-spouse was a mere 2-1/2yrs younger than I, and since that ended, this ‘femme d’un certain age’ has enjoyed the delightful company of younger men quite a lot! I think part of it is that I’m infamously immature, lol, and while I am no hottie-body Miss, boys still luv my booty, and i am That grateful.

    My current Guy is 8yrs younger, and it’s a hardly-noticeable gap — the occasional Cultural Experience blip, but rilly, we’re “the same age.” Over the last several years of dating — and I *did* hit-up sites like CougarLife for awhile there — I’ve dated guys as much as half my age, and it’s been pure fun. I spent my 50th birthday hanging with my 26yr old playmate, I scene and sex 20 and 30somethings, and best was a regular off-and-on thing with a 28yr old musician who played it like age was nothing.

    When we went out, i’d feel a lil like people’d be looking at us saying, “look at that nice young man out with his Mom,” but he held my hand, put his arm around me, made it very clear to anyone who cared to see that we were a *Couple. It was lovely and really affirming. Plus he was smart, hella fun and a decent shag. What’s not to like?

  6. I absolutely love this post! So hilarious! Seems like the new trend is having a boy toy. Definitely nothing wrong with that. Heck, I had one myself. Didn’t last long, guess I got a defective one and didn’t get the recall for him lol. Great advice from Cher – Love her so much!

  7. Omgosh what a fabulous post made me laugh a lot! Sounds like you are having a great time so as long as it works, brilliant!!

  8. Great post, after my first experience and marrying him (him being 13 years older) I have never been out with a bloke my own age or older again lol Toy boys are the way forward! At the moment I have a lovely fireman who is 13 years younger than me and known him over 10 years, on and off. xx

  9. OH MY GOD THIS IS SO PERFECT ❤
    I literally laughed so hard I cried. You, you are amazing. Rock on.

  10. The first time I was a boy toy I was twenty or so, and I knew it. Cougar didn’t mean what it means today. The second time I was a boy toy I was thirty, but thought this could work. It didn’t.

  11. Isn’t it so much fun?!?! When I first got divorced a couple years ago, I had NO IDEA how many young guys were into older woman. I was being hit on by twenty-sumthin’s constantly. It became a joke with my gf’s who admitted they only teased me because they were jealous. LOL I’m 44 and last year I dated a 27 year old for about six months and we never left my house. He was hot as hell! But you know what I’m talking about.

    I still haven’t found “the one” but my current bf is a little older (in his 30’s) but he’s still super hot, and crazy sexy cool!

    Keep enjoying it sistah!

  12. As a 23-year-old, I find this hilarious. I like your writing style a lot! Have fun, and if your boy toy has any hot friends who like girls his own age…send them my way. 😉

  13. YOU GO GIRL!!! I had a very satisfying friendship (?) with a 20 year old last year (I’m 30) it was exactly what we both needed and satisfying on SO MANY LEVELS. I was nodding my head along to all of this 🙂

  14. Your post made me laugh, and propelled me into full FLASHBACK mode. I once dated a guy who was a decade younger. It didn’t last long, but it was fun! Shortly after that, I did find the ‘one’, and we’ve been happily married for 20 years. I’m a sucker for a happy ending! 🙂

  15. Well I tryed it in the last four moths with 2 boy toys. First one was WOW (where did he learned that?!). The second one was a huge mistake. So been there, done that. Maby I’ll do it again some day

  16. My best friend, at 44, likes them young and horny. We often tease her and ask if she straps her boyfriend into a car seat when they go out.

    Wicked!

  17. Hey. This is the first blog I’ve read on wordpress, and I’m lovin’ it! This post was hilarious, to bits.
    I’m new here, please check my blog if time permits!
    Thanks.

  18. Your post was funny and seriously HOT (yes, especially the setting-up-the-tv bit). Have been dating my 15-year-younger toy for over a year, lying to myself that he’s more than a toy (because dang are we good together!) Meanwhile, a cutey 23-year-old zoomed up to me on a skateboard a couple of months back, jammed his phone number in my hand on a piece of paper, and said “I think you’re BEAUTIFUL! You look like a MODEL! My name is Johnny. Call me!”

    I laughed, thinking he was way too young. Your post has started me rethinking that. (Now, where did I put that paper? ; )

  19. I was a boy toy last year. Did work well for that time. But love came and I was not in love. So it ended bad. But that’s life. You can not say when it’s the wrong one until you tried.

      • Cradle snatching is what it used to be called, it’s creepy both ways. We’ve read all about what’s in it for you but in your quieter moments do you wonder if there was more to his agenda than pleasing you?

        • So, then, why say it’s creepy to say girl toy? Perhaps it is because it sounds disrespectful. Respect goes both ways. I didn’t mean to rain on your parade. Belated congratulations on being Freshly Pressed. If it were any other topic, I would have appreciated your writing style.

        • Truth be told, I’m not sure if “the one” exists. Maybe “the one who doesn’t make me want to upchuck.”

          It is definitely good to have fun in the meantime 😀

        • Hahaha, You’re the best!!
          I was worried thinking I was the problem until I read your post… Men have the ability of making me feel so bored so soon… (Sorry about my English)

          If you found him, we could share “the one who doesn’t make us want to upchuck”… Thank you very much, Singlegirle. :*

  20. OMG this made me crack up! I have had my first boy toy and yes it was one of the most single gratifying moments of my life. Thanks for sharing!

  21. This is awesome! i’m on the opposite side of the spectrum. I can’t really complain about the older guy I am with *wink wink*. I just started a blog today and will be posting about it soon. Keep up the fun with your boy toy and may we all follow Cher’s words!

  22. Nice to hear being a cougar can work. I’m early 30’s and lately have had interest from guys in their early 20’s. I find it scary to think what they see in me. But hey at the very least its flattering.

  23. Have fun wearing layers of skin off each others nether regions, you lucky gal…
    By the way, if you find time between orgasms, would you be interested in participating in a 5×5 post with yours truly?

  24. I was a boy toy to a woman I adored when I was 20-21, and she was 34ish. Like you, we weren’t dating, but we liked each other’s company a whole lot. There is something to be said for youthful energy, and 30 years ago I had it.

  25. I have never had a boy toy, but I am boy toy’s age and my boyfriend is older. Anyway, what I was going to say is, before me he had no idea what Pretty Little Liars is or which celebrities dated/broke up, so I guess what I’m saying is, being with a younger person is like some Tuck Everlasting shit. Enjoy it.

    • Oh you young whippersnappers! I do know what Pretty Little Liars is, but, uh, WTF is Tuck Everlasting? Nevermind, I’ll search for it at the library using the Dewey Decimal System.

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