Bad Sex and the Dummy Who Had No Idea

badsex

It was hands-down the best first date I’d ever had with someone I met online.

Corey and I met in a cool hipster bar in West Hollywood and the chemistry was palpable. We shared banter. We got each other’s jokes. The conversation flowed naturally. And believe it or not, he was as cute as his photos suggested. Cuter, in fact. How often does that happen? Any of it?

When the date ended, we kissed and I smiled all the way home. Honestly, this never happens to me with online dates. I’m usually fighting the urge to upchuck all the way home. He texted the next day and I smiled some more. It was so peculiar — I actually liked this guy! I could see this becoming a thing.

The following week, we met up at a bar in his neighborhood for a couple drinks then went back to his apartment. Yes, I know, *danger zone*. But I knew I wasn’t going to pork him. It just wasn’t part of my plan that night. After all, I hadn’t shaved and was wearing a beige bra. A Maidenform.

I figured maybe we’d watch some Netflix and make out a bit. But one thing led to his unmade bed and before I knew it my Maidenform hit the floor and there was a hairy naked manbeast on top of me.

Ladies, you know exactly what I’m talking about, right? The way sex just sometimes happens and you’re not quite sure how you got there — like when you’re really tired while driving then freak out a little because you don’t remember merging into the fast lane? This can occur with sex as well: one minute you’re exchanging soft, fluttery kisses and the next your forehead is ramming the headboard.

I am certain men do this on purpose. They figure if they’re swift and crafty enough, they can get your pants off and their penis in before we can string together a sentence, such as, “Um, I think this might be date rape?”

Anyway, I was not prepared for this penetration and neither was my vagina. At that moment my hoo-ha could’ve been the spokesperson for Arrid Extra Dry. So I lay there attempting to conjure sexy thoughts and after about two friction-filled minutes, he suddenly just stopped, got up and went to the bathroom without a word.

I was puzzled. Did a bout of sudden IBS kick in? I lay there whistling Dixie for a few minutes until he returned to the boudoir… and started checking his phone.

Um, HELLO? You’ve got a hot bitch in your bed, mister, and it certainly has not been long enough for a 15-minute intermission. I mean, it wasn’t exactly the best two minutes of my life but couldja at least not leave me hanging like that?

Finally, he came back to bed and lay down on his back next to me.

“Sorry about that,” he said. “It’s been pent up for a while.”

premature ejaculation

Oh. That happened? I honestly didn’t know. We were practicing safe sex so no trace was left behind, and he uttered no grunt or bleat or other indication whatsoever that the fat lady had sung.

Alright, then. I understand this sometimes does occur and I ain’t mad. I was just kinda bummed because I wanted the first time with this guy who I liked so much to be awesome. And nothing about it was awesome.

After that, I decided we should hold off on the sex stuff for a while and just try and get to know each other better first. Like I said, I thought this could actually be a thing and I didn’t want it to be about sex. But I knew it would be tricky. It’s tough to do a take-back after you’ve already played hide the salami.

The next time we went out, we had a fantastic time and I was reminded of why I adored him so much in the first place. We came back to my place for a nightcap. Not banging him, not banging him, not banging him, I kept telling myself. No siree, Bob. Wore the sensible cotton Gap undies and everything.

We started making out and once again it seemed he was trying to break the record for speed stripping. It was all flashing before my eyes, so I took control of the situation by so eloquently shouting:

“I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU!”

That seemed to do the trick, because he stopped and gave me a look like a wide-eyed doe the second she realizes Sarah Palin is standing before her with a deer thug rifle.

Shocked reaction

I explained that I hadn’t really been ready on our last date and I wanted to take it slow and all that jazz. It took him a minute to get why I would do it last time but not this time and he was obviously disappointed but, finally, he seemed to understand.

And then… he dropped this little nugget:

“You have to admit, though, it was pretty incredible.”

Um…

frank underwood

 

And…

are you fucking kidding me

Beg pardon? Are you talking about the sex you had with me? Are you perchance mistaking me for another person with whom you had mind-blowing boom-boom? Or maybe you ate some funny fungi and hallucinated about this so-called stupefying sesh? Because this “incredible sex” you’re referring to? I wasn’t there.

Did he honestly think a two-minute stint in the Sahara qualifies as a rapturous romp? Because if so, this is a cause for concern. I mean, I know my pootie is quite the enchantress and maybe it was the most captivating 120 seconds of your life, Bubs, but how could you possibly think it was good for ME??

Now, before some indignant fucker has a fit and cries out that premature ejaculation affects 99.9% of all men at some point, allow me to repeat: I KNOW. I am not pissed about his prejack. I’ve experienced it before and I know it’s not his fault and it may even be a compliment to me in some weird way. And I usually tell the guy not to worry, I totally understand and I still think he’s a stud muffin.

What baffles me is the delusion of grandeur he is operating under in suggesting that I found the experience hella awesome. And trust me, the pre-show was no treat either.

Obviously, the boy was grossly misinformed about what women might place in the category of incredible sex. Allow me to share a few pointers to help decipher whether or not it was good lovin’:

  • Generally, the sex should last longer than the time it takes to pop a bag of microwave popcorn.
  • Unless it is some sort of BDSM situation, she should not be making pain faces.
  • Learn the difference between “Ohhhhh” and “Owwwww.”
  • If it’s with me, you will know it’s good if I’m belting out vocal notes that even Celine Dion couldn’t touch.
  • By the time we’re finished, we will very likely need to break out the extra-large ShamWow.

For reasons unrelated, Corey and I never did see each other again. I guess some other lucky lady will have to teach him how to please the pootie.

***

Surely I’m not the only one with a bad sex story. What’s yours?

66 replies

  1. I’m wondering if we slept with the same guy or do too many of them fall in this category? LOL. This story was waaaayyyy too familiar. And the part that baffled me the most in my similar experience was his interpretation of the event. It I were a fly on the wall I would have definitely thought, “wow, she is not getting anything out of this”. Yet he probably wanted to brag about how great it was. At any rate, he did follow up some days later wanting to know if I were up for round two. I said “no thank you”. He then asked if I enjoyed it and here is my exact response; “It didn’t last long, as you know, I did anticipate something more….fulfilling. It was fine, but fine isn’t motivating enough to do it again.” It was the most honest I have ever been to a guy about bad sex.

  2. I am very often in the (reversed) situation, with the girl exhausted and me that I want more. Anyway dealing with the pre-ejaculation is extremely easy: just play, make him cum, rest…and start 😄 …he can play with you while resting too!?

  3. THIS IS THE MOST PERFECT THING I HAVE EVER READ. I love your blog hahah. I’ve had this happen and I always think I had some sort of memory loss between the opening of his apartment door and the penis inside me!

  4. When I was a youngster my mother told me that most women do not experience an orgasm with just simple vaginal sex. That is all it took for me to decide I wanted to do better for the women I enjoy.” If it aint wet, she aint ready yet!” Sorry couldn’t help myself . . .

      • I guess I should explain a little better. My Mother told me that and explained in detail methods to provide a woman an orgasm. My Mother was not the kind of person that told you “no, you cannot do that.” She would tell you why you should or should not do something and the probable ramifications for doing wrong, leaving the decision to myself. Many times I chose wrong, most I chose right. You would be amazed the adverse ramifications sometimes for doing right. But, yes I learned most my life’s lessons by a woman that took the time to talk to me rather than just say “no.”

  5. laughing out loud — you’re a hilarious storyteller — felt like we were sloshing margaritas and slurring our words at the local tavern, trading bedroom war stories — love it! and the gifs of the erupting cola bottle and Kevin Spacey’s look SLAYED me!

    • Geez, sorry I’m getting to this one a little late! Oh, what fun it would be to slosh margs and slur words with you at the tavern. War stories are the best – I know you’ve got quite a few of your own. They’re awful when they’re happening, but they do make for good stories…

  6. I blame women that fake orgasms for men like this. Stopping giving him positive reinforcement when he is doing a shitty job, ladies. It’s the only way they’ll learn.

    But I usually get the ‘small’ men that think they are huge and ‘big’ men that think they are small. It makes no sense to me. You guys have to have some concept of average.

  7. The Maidenform. I DIED.

    I was watching a movie with this guy once. It was our first day, and he insisted on watching Death Becomes Her, because apparently there’s something seriously wrong with me for never seeing that movie (I was two when I came out, can you imagine me missing that one?!). Well, I didn’t think anything was going to happen, and I didn’t really want anything to yet, but this mother fucker had the nerve to fall asleep while we’re laying in his bed watching this lame movie I didn’t even want to see. da faq?

    That’s all I needed to know about him. I don’t care how sleepy you are, you don’t fall sleep on a first date.

    • Ugh! You HAVE to watch this movie, you HAVE to!! *Snore*. Fuck him! My ex used to do that to me. I never saw that movie but heard it was basically one to sleep through.

  8. My word. How bad (or easy to please!) were his previous partners if he thought two minutes and a “sorry” were incredible?

  9. The very second time I had sex he fell asleep during it. I was on top and I started to realise I was the only one moving. I said “are you awake?” He was softly snoring.

  10. I have nothing that compares to that, Girlie – thank God!
    I feel your pain, though. You deserve a partner who will make your eyes roll into the back of your head, your larynx explode with joy and your loins melt from the sheer intensity of his lovemaking prowess.
    Good luck finding that partner, by the way.
    (Yeah, I’m a lot of help.)

  11. The first time I had sex with a girl, I got her off a couple of times, and she curled up against me and went to sleep. So, okay, I’m not trippin– I don’t have to be pleasured every time to enjoy sex, she’s hot and she trusted me to experiment with her body, and that’s fucking cool, and she was enthusiastically consenting the whole time, which was also cool because I’d never been in a sexual situation where my consent had really mattered, so I thought it was awesome to experience consensual sex.

    So all of that is fine. In the morning, she woke up and kissed me and asked if she was the best I’d ever had.

    Ummmmmmmmmmmmm ladycakes, you were the one shaking and screaming, I literally didn’t even get a little boobie play.

    • Hey! So happy to hear the lady-on-lady perspective! Shame on her for not giving you any boobie love (or anything else, from how it sounds). However, this concerns me: “I’d never been in a sexual situation where my consent had really mattered, so I thought it was awesome to experience consensual sex.” ALL sex should be consensual, sweet pea. I hope you have not experienced otherwise 😦

  12. “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for…” “You have to admit, though, it was pretty incredible.” The power of suggestion right!

  13. This reminds me of the time I was almost smothered to death by a big hairy marine who kept telling me to use him like a shake and bake bag. Semper fi, yo.

    • Yeah, I didn’t realize he’d be so hairy. I like ’em smooth. And WTF did marine beast want you to do? Cover him with breadcrumbs and shove him in the oven?

  14. I hate the jack hammer too! I once had a guy after he had finished look down at me and say “did you come?” Thanks for noticing I’m still here! As Jayne said, the rest of my body didn’t need to be there. So the answer was no, thanks for asking.

      • The jackhammer lol! I know a guy, in his 40s, and he considers himself to have superior skills in the carnal arts (his words) yet thinks that jackhammering and pounding that pussy is a huge turn on for most women. Maybe explains the lack of repeat performances, a wife who didn’t like sex with him (she was the problem, according to him) and him now dating an 18 year old who doesn’t have a whole lot of sexual experience to compare his performance to.

  15. He was probably just relying on the power of suggestion and hoping that you have a faulting memory. “You DIIIIIID enjoy the sex. You want MOOOOOOORE of the sex.”

    Maybe it was subconscious, but you wrote exactly what the problem was:
    …the _boy_ was grossly misinformed about what _women_ might place in the category of incredible sex.

    The boy will learn… but it doesn’t have to be with you.

    • So you’re the second dude to call Jedi mind trick. Do men think we’re stupid? I mean, for real?

      I am wondering if maybe he was just so bad at sex his ex-girlfriend convinced him that 2 minutes was fucking ideal. “Oh, yeah, baby, the faster the better! Oh, that’s hot!”

  16. I’ve been that guy, Corey, but with two differences: first, I was 17, the internet didn’t exist yet as an educational tool, and my repertoire at that point was as limited as his still is; second, I knew that the sex was terrible, and it clearly was for both of us.

    There’s no excuse for man who’s an adult and has the looks and charm to have found his way into at least a few slippery couplings before to be so oblivious about how unsatisfying it was for you, and not to have tried to make it better.

    The only thing for a guy to say after an encounter like that is: “I am so sorry.” I’ve said it on occasion because it’s what the situation called for.

    • OK, if you’re 17 you get a pass. But even you knew it wasn’t good. Bad sex happens, we get it. But as a dude I would sure as hell hope you know the difference.

      • You’re an open-minded and forgiving person. One of the things that I enjoy most about your blog is that you’re a well-balanced person who can see both positives and negatives in people. From what you wrote in this post, that two minutes with Corey must have been mind-blowingly, world-class bad sex, with a Mt. Everest of delusional ignorance to think he’d rocked your pants.

  17. so funny that I am crying right now.
    I dated a guy with the same scenario, years ago…super cute and we were completing each others sentences after the first hour of meeting. Exchanging sarcasm and Monty Python quotes. It was amazing. One night after too many drinks I ended up in his bed at 2 am.
    He was HUGE, like a coke can huge. it was beyond horrible. like trying to fit a circle in a square. there was this silent awkward moment afterwards and i finally said something like “Damn big boy, you should warn a girl about that thing!” to lighten the moment. his response was “really? nobody has ever said anything before.” he thought it was good. it was the worst ever…like ever EVER.
    never saw him again. he did text me a few weeks later at 2 am with a “is it too late to see if you want to come over”. Nice.

    this is one of the best things i have read in a long time!

    • Agh!! I hate big dicks! Yup, I said it. Quote me here, fellas. When you said Coke can I literally winced. Love this “Oh, is 2 am too late” crap. If it’s 2 am just use your hand or get a Fleshlight.

      Thanks for the kind words – glad someone could relate!

  18. Oh my gosh I couldnt stop laughing at this. (Sorry!!) Thanks for sharing, I need something to make me laugh in the middle of working. I love how you throw in the gifs. hahaha.

  19. OK, I’ll tell you one. I really liked this guy and he me. We had known each other over a year and just taunted each other. Well more him to me because he flirted all the time. I thought it was his M.O. and therefore kept my distance. I knew then that he was still a good guy. When we finally got togther, we had a great time, he was a lot of fun and funny and smart, irreverent at all the right times and when we finally made it to bed after a great night and a long time waiting, we got into it and then, after a bit, it turned a corner and he was like a jack hammer and I swear I could have been a donut. I just remember thinking, the rest of my body doesn’t even have to be here. I wish I had a picture from above of me – big eyed and perplexed thinking “WTF”. I did have the sense to figure that he was completely caught up and very buzzed. Luckily, that never happened again and I he ended up to be one guy I will never forget.

      • oh, no. we actually had a relationship. The jackhammer was never to used again. It was a crazy night – he was just a bit out of his mind and it was totally fine. Everyone has to be completely selfish while the other is completely giving – sometimes, right? It wasn’t his norm and I kinda knew that from being his friend before that. At that second though, I still was thinking wtf – Please God, this can’t be how he does this!

  20. Ouch SG that sucks, I know what you mean about wanting the first time to be extra special with pickles and lettuce on a sesame seed bun and then it’s kind of anticlimactic. Ouch again.

    Seriously hang around downtown Hollywood with a Winnipeg Jets jersey on and with a case of Molson Canadian beer and I’m sure you’ll get plenty of attention from Canadian men on Vacation. We’re polite, normally, and always eager to please so I’m sure that if anything happens then it will be better than your last brief encounter.

    Hey and If it turns out to be extra special just think free socialized healthcare!!! Boo Ya!

    • Haha, I don’t think I’ve ever sampled a canook. But you make some awfully good points there, Bob. I’m in it for the healthcare alone. And maybe to hear him say “about.” 😉

    • You know, I honestly can’t remember what I said. I think I was pretty much speechless after he said that. But yeah, he DOES need to know. Other unsuspecting women may fall victim…

  21. That is a hilarious story. I hope I’ve never been such a guy in that situation! (no comment)

    Yes men do that on person. Weird how women’s brains work and they think of it as just sorta ‘happens’ but really men are planning out such scenarios constantly. Sorry bros the secret is out.

    Too bad you got along with him and then he turned out to be both sleazy and disappointingly sleazy. Indeed he should learn how to better please a woman. Useful skill.

    On the other hand, if he’s not completely oblivious then perhaps he’s just playing it cool. Sometimes we men know we’re lame, but we can’t wallow in self-pity so we just act out that the situation is different and hope other people follow the lead. Does that make sense?

    Do be careful about going to apartments after a date in the future, is a nightcap really ever just a nightcap…

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