I Ain’t Sayin’ I’m a Gold Digger

Because I’m not. Never have been. A lot of guys in Los Angeles complain that LA women are only interested in dating men with money. Clearly, they haven’t met me.

As a matter of fact, never in my life have I dated a wealthy man. The reason lies in this text conversation between my gay bf and me:

text conversation with gay bf

To quote every teenage girl in America: “I can’t even.” Despite my gay bf’s constant urging that I acquire a sugar daddy (mostly for selfish reasons; he wants to sunbathe on a yacht), I could simply never put out for a nasty old geezer like Sterling.

And let’s just take off the white gloves and be honest, mmkay? A sugar daddy is never attractive. That’s like a rule. He’s always some gross old guy with corn nut teeth who could use his own balls as a hacky sack – IF he could actually get out of his wheelchair to play hacky sack.

This is not to say there are no handsome rich men on the planet, it’s just that they are rare. I mean, let’s consider the wealthy here – we’re talking about the top 1% of the population. And if you guesstimate that of that 1%, maybe 8% could actually be considered good looking… well, that amounts to NOTALOT of doable rich dudes. And celebrities don’t count because they are not real.

I honestly don’t understand how some of these women do it. Do they suffer from a severe form of macular degeneration? Do they have greater access to hallucinogens than I do? Because the way I see it, no amount of Xanax nor MDMA nor eye of newt nor combination thereof would afford me the desire or the gumption to get it on with Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns in shower

Maybe – and I mean maybe – in the olden days before the advent of erectile dysfunction medication could I tolerate such grisliness. Back then I’d just have to spoon feed the old fart some soup and I’d be golden, because 9 times out of 10 he couldn’t get it up anyway. But now it’s not only possible for geriatrics to produce boners – they sport 12 hour boners. I’m telling you, Viagra really fucked shit up for the gold diggers.

Now, before you commend me for rising above the superficiality of it all, let’s be clear that my refusal to bang bad grandpa for cash doesn’t mean I’m some sort of righteous Mother Teresa type. I’m as shallow as the next person – I just like them to be rich in the face. I’m afraid I’ve always had a thing for the pretty boys, and I suppose I resemble a man in this respect.

Moreover, judging by my past choices, it seems I prefer my men smokin’ hot and dirt poor. And when I say poor, I don’t mean “not rich,” I’m talking broke-ass broke motherfuckers.

chappelle i'm broke

Take, for example, my last boyfriend. At 41 years old the man didn’t have a checking account and used to ask me for gas money to tide him over until payday. He was a musician, of course. (Oh, and by the way, this one recently married a rich bitch who bought him a BMW and he now owns half her business. Because life is fair.)

It’s not that I specifically seek out the impoverished when I’m screening potential mates, it just somehow always turns out that way. But you know what? I’m sick of this shit. It’s not that I need a Trumped-up tycoon, I just want someone who has their goddamned shit together. Is that asking too much?

Fuck it. Perhaps I need to pull a George Costanza and do the opposite of what I’d normally do, because clearly shit’s not working out for me as it stands. And in light of the fact that I recently got laid off, securing a benefactor is sounding mighty damn appealing right about now. (Or, ahem, if anyone wants to hire me to write for them, well, that would be almost as good. Smiley face with teeth.)

I will go out and snag some fat cat who can endow me with some of the finer things in life for the fee of my good looks and willing vagina. I will hold my breath, pour Clorox into my eyes and take a Playboy bunny out to lunch so she can educate me in the ways of suppressing one’s gag reflex and staving off the urge to self-mutilate.

I’m doing it, my friends. To hell with nightclubs and online dating. I’m off to the terminal ward to land myself a baron with an advanced degenerative disease and six months to live.


Would you sleep with someone you weren’t attracted to for money? Does appearance matter to you? If you had to choose between looks and money, which would you choose?

44 replies

  1. I have always wondered the same thing! The money is not worth it, especially when you end up spending it all on the therapy you need from banging an old man.

  2. Well, when I was younger I had a huge crush on Paul Newman. I think he was 80 at that time (and obviously very alive, just to be clear). I also like that drummer guy from Rolling Stones.
    But in general, I agree older rich men are just gross.

  3. Ewww….and ewww again….money has never done it for me. No idea….anyway…I married a nice looking Italian man, who could not speak English, was six years younger than me, had no money and no job. That was 16 years ago. And guess what?? he is still cute and we have a nice life…he earns a living that allows me to stay home with our kids. We are not rich….or wealthy…but making it and very happy.

    Sorry about your job 😦

    Anyway…you are right…it is not the money that counts, it is finding someone who has their act together…..

    they are out there…..ha ha, ha…probably looking for girls who have their act together….

    a bunch of star crossed lovers….

    Your george c. comment made me laugh a lot…that episode was so funny!

  4. GET SOME!

    41 years old, no checking account!? GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR’. Cease and desist! George Costanza to the max!

  5. Set your standards high, and be willing to make adjustments, but keep your standards generally high. Don’t go chasing guys with money. If one comes to you, it’s an extra. If not, keep enjoying an eventful and meaningful life on your own terms and with guys you are attracted to.

    In a hopeful note, I offer that if the President ever gets the minimum wage raised to $10.10 an hour, some of those adorable but broke-ass guys out there will have gas money once in a while. They might even show up with half a bag of jelly beans, or half a beer.

  6. I couldn’t do it. Lucky for me, I married a great, good looking guy with earning potential when I was young. Lucky for me, he reached his full potential. Lucky for me, I got to keep him for 30 years. Unlucky for me, he passed away. Lucky for me, I have great memories and no money worries. And like you, single girlie, I’m a sucka for a pretty face. That’s neither lucky, nor unlucky. It just is what it is.

      • Hahaha so true! Or any of the guys that contacted me when I tried online dating. Could’ve had a date every night of the week if I wasn’t so picky:(

  7. When you are this young and adorable, anything is possible. I cannot imagine you often need to choose between looks and money. And how would you know if someone was “rich” or just a douche with a leased BMW?

    • PAH-HAHAHAHA! You’ve never been to LA, have you? I’m not young or adorable here, I’m ancient and disgusting. And every cutie pie I meet is ALWAYS poor. Maybe I was a douchebag in a past life and this is my karma.

      And the faux riche douche-with-BMW? There are a lot of those in LA, too.

  8. Personally I couldn’t sleep with a guy I wasn’t attracted to.

    Money isn’t a big concern for me as I’m not looking for someone to look after me financially, I’m looking for someone I can share my life with.

    For me personality comes first, I like to get to know a guy so I know once the initial attraction wears off we’ll still have something in common.

    But if you can find great personality, good looks, similar interests, attractive career prospects and a healthy bank balance in one guy then you’re a lucky woman!

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