54 Thoughts That Go Through A Girl’s Head When Texting a New Crush

amy schumer texting

When you’re dating a new guy, some degree of awkwardness is a given. But few things are more painfully gut wrenching than the nuances of early stage text messaging.

In some ways, texting is a blessing. Just think – previous generations had to actually verbalize words and sentences over the phone to communicate with a new love interest. The horror!

You had to be “on” all the time, you had to be in a quiet location, and worst of all, you had to speak extemporaneously without the luxury of time to think of a well-crafted response.

Unfortunately, the downside of texting is that the anxiety is drawn out over several minutes, hours, and sometimes even days. And during this time a cornucopia of thoughts can flood your head – many of them irrational and some just plain batshit.

Fess up, ladies. Anyone who’s ever been single has thunk the majority of these thoughts while texting a guy during the initial stages of dating. We never said it was pretty.

  1. Hmm, I haven’t heard from this guy all day.
  2. Maybe I should text him.
  3. After all, he did send the last text yesterday.
  4. But it was just an emoji, so does that count?
  5. I wonder if he wants me to text first since he sent the last text.
  6. But doesn’t the onus of texting first reset to neutral if it’s a new day?
  7. What if he’s sitting there, willing me to text him and exercising extreme self-control in not texting me.
  8. Screw it, I’m a modern woman. I will text him.
  9. Um, what should I say? Let’s see… “Hey sexy, how’s it going?
  10. Ack, not “sexy.” That’s too… sexual. He is sexy though.
  11. Maybe, “Hey there, what’s up? ;)”
  12. No, winky smiley could be misinterpreted.
  13. I’ve got it: “Hey there cutie, how’s your day?:)”
  14. Adding “cutie” is good. Makes me seem confident enough to call him cutie. And who doesn’t like being called cutie?
  15. Wait, should I put the smiley face or is that too juvenile?
  16. No, it’s good. It’s friendly.
  17. OMG, OMG, I’m hitting send! Here I go!
  18. Dunzo. No turning back now.
  19. I feel good about this.
  20. It’s been a minute. Calm down, girl. One minute is nothing.
  21. It’s been two minutes. Maybe he’s trying to think of what to say.
  22.  Wait, did I silence my phone earlier? No. All sounds on.
  23.  WTF, it’s been six minutes.
  24.  Wait, did he text and I missed it? Better check. Nope, no text. Grrr.
  25.  It’s been 11 fucking minutes. This was a bad idea.
  26.  Why did I text him? I should’ve just let him text me. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
  27.  Let’s be rational. Maybe he’s swimming in the ocean and doesn’t have his phone on him.
  28.  Or maybe he’s driving. I wouldn’t want him to text and drive.
  29.  What if he’s with some other girl?
  30.  He is definitely with some other girl. It has been 20 minutes. There is no other explanation.
  31.  MOTHERFUCKING DICK!
  32.  Clearly, I am driving him away with my overeager text messages.
  33.  I am totally unattractive to him now.
  34.  Wait a second… Maybe he didn’t get my text.
  35.  There was that one time when my phone wasn’t downloading all of my texts.
  36.  Technology doesn’t always work as it should.
  37.  Just because cell phones are robots doesn’t mean they don’t make mistakes.
  38.  Perhaps I should text again. To make sure he got my last text.
  39.  But what if technology did work as it should? Then I’d be double texting and he’ll think I’m some psycho stalker.
  40.  DAMMIT I JUST CAN’T WIN!
  41.  It has been 34 freaking minutes. Really???
  42.  Honestly, this is just rude.
  43.  It takes like what, two seconds to send a text.
  44.  Okay, maybe 20 seconds if you’re writing something meaningful.
  45.  But still. Aren’t I worth 20 seconds to this jerk?
  46.  Maybe waiting an hour to text back is the equivalent of the wait-three-days-to-call rule from “Swingers.”
  47. Whatevs. If he can’t spare 20 seconds to reply in a timely manner, he’s clearly not the guy for me.
  48.  Hold up — INCOMING!
  49.  Ermahgerd! It’s him! What does it say?
  50.  “I’m good, how ru?:)”
  51.  Aww, he put a smiley!
  52.  Still… it took the whole of an hour for that?
  53.  I’ll text him back…
  54.  …In two hours.

*Disclaimer: It’s supposed to be funny.

This post originally appeared on Thought Catalog.

41 replies

  1. this article reminds me of the exes i had .. the mind games we played with each other. I decided not to play mind games and be myself with my last guy and he ended up proposing to me. We both didn’t do any of that.

    I recommend to you ladies, if you want to text him… text him. For example, my current approached me first and he texted me first. “Hey, how are you?” “I’m fine.. I’m working. Do you want to call me later around 4, when i am off from work?” “Sure.”

    If he texted me, “Hey babe.” i would reply with, “call me.” and vica versa. The texting thing gets old. Direct communication is essential.

    Nevertheless, if i was thinking about him I’d tell him. “i’m thinking about you. I want you .”

    pretty direct, right? yeah well.. he responded within seconds to that one.

    COMMUNICATION AND DIRECT CONTACT IS SO KEY! IF you like him.. TELL HIM. he will be open with you! Do it from day 1.

  2. I am sure there are more to that! The emotions we go through playing mind games anxiously waiting for every text message we get from our crush – should I reply now? (hmm that would make them think I am too eager) or after an hour (just want to play it cool, but he/she might think I am not interested) LOL

  3. Oh, and as far as the self conscious texting? I gotta tell you, rejection by text has to be so much better than rejection by telephone. Trust me on that one. ” I have to wash my hair”.?? C’mon. Just say no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes. How difficult is it? And, When you stop giving a shit, all those demons fly away. Ah, sweet liberation.

  4. This is perfect….although I am a married woman now….I have many girlfriends who pretty much deal with this situation on a a daily basis……maybe life was a little easier when communication was not so readily available….but then again…if you think back to say 200 years ago…and writing letters and instead of having to wait 30 minutes you would have to wait 30 days? YUK!

  5. That’s what sucks about texting and in some instances when we know they’ve read our messages, it sucks even more to wait for a reply.

  6. One day I will get the nerve to text my crush…then I will count off how many of these I have (plus probably some extra)

  7. +++ Caring too much is a bitch.

    Warning to male readers: women are agonizingly obsessive and needy like in the post and comments only for ATTRACTIVE men; the few men that women are attracted to get a lot of attention from obsessively needy women.

    The attractive guy whom @singlegirlie is texting is probably receiving the same texts (plus selfies!) from around half a dozen women.

  8. I’m so glad I don’t send texts, nor see the occasional incoming ones. My daughter says that I live like the Amish. Not exactly, but to an teenager, I suppose.

  9. Oh God, it’s like you read my mind.

    I have a couple to add though cause I completely ruined a friendship with a guy doing this:

    I text him, he didn’t text back so he must hate me, he’s fed up, god I made him angry, I’ll delete it, but now I don’t know if he saw it or not, wait that was like 2 days ago so message him again, no don’t message, but I want to speak to him, message, wait…..

    OMG he replied, can’t stop smiling, he’s busy so he’ll get back to me, ok see he wasn’t with someone else, ignoring me and he doesn’t hate me, aww he makes me laugh so much.

    And back to the beginning and repeat!

    Honestly I was such a mess in the end it did’t surprise me he had enough. It wasn’t all ridiculous though, there was a lot of good times too.

    I hate the fact that my mind constantly wants to over think everything and understand everything, I used to read so much into the messages that I ended up missing the whole point of having fun with a friend and getting to know them.

    The hardest part is, now I learned from my mistakes, missing the great friendship I lost but accepting I may never have him in my life again.

    I’ll always care about him and consider him a friend, I can only hope one day he’ll remember the fun and not the basket case and send me a Hey!

    Don’t over think and text girls, let them do the running and don’t be afraid to leave some distance in between your conversations because that makes them all the better.

    • Aw man. Technology is ruining everything. Remember when people had to actually ride or walk through snowy fields and actually pay a visit to your house to say hello? I don’t either, but I’ve heard about it. Wonder if those women had these same thoughts…

      Caring too much is a bitch.

      • Geez Naomi; I wrote a litany, had to cap one last word, and push “post” and it went somewhere where the wind blows.

        Anyway, I enjoyed your blog. I am the curious type, but not a high maintenance drama king. I’ll try not to be a pain in your ass, but add some substantive content to encourage some response. Maybe even from you. Ciao Single Girlie. Have a good one. I’m a little afraid what to wish for you. Have a good weekend? Sure, that is what I wish for you.

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