When you’re dating a new guy, some degree of awkwardness is a given. But few things are more painfully gut wrenching than the nuances of early stage text messaging.
In some ways, texting is a blessing. Just think – previous generations had to actually verbalize words and sentences over the phone to communicate with a new love interest. The horror!
You had to be “on” all the time, you had to be in a quiet location, and worst of all, you had to speak extemporaneously without the luxury of time to think of a well-crafted response.
Unfortunately, the downside of texting is that the anxiety is drawn out over several minutes, hours, and sometimes even days. And during this time a cornucopia of thoughts can flood your head – many of them irrational and some just plain batshit.
Fess up, ladies. Anyone who’s ever been single has thunk the majority of these thoughts while texting a guy during the initial stages of dating. We never said it was pretty.
- Hmm, I haven’t heard from this guy all day.
- Maybe I should text him.
- After all, he did send the last text yesterday.
- But it was just an emoji, so does that count?
- I wonder if he wants me to text first since he sent the last text.
- But doesn’t the onus of texting first reset to neutral if it’s a new day?
- What if he’s sitting there, willing me to text him and exercising extreme self-control in not texting me.
- Screw it, I’m a modern woman. I will text him.
- Um, what should I say? Let’s see… “Hey sexy, how’s it going?”
- Ack, not “sexy.” That’s too… sexual. He is sexy though.
- Maybe, “Hey there, what’s up? ;)”
- No, winky smiley could be misinterpreted.
- I’ve got it: “Hey there cutie, how’s your day?:)”
- Adding “cutie” is good. Makes me seem confident enough to call him cutie. And who doesn’t like being called cutie?
- Wait, should I put the smiley face or is that too juvenile?
- No, it’s good. It’s friendly.
- OMG, OMG, I’m hitting send! Here I go!
- Dunzo. No turning back now.
- I feel good about this.
- It’s been a minute. Calm down, girl. One minute is nothing.
- It’s been two minutes. Maybe he’s trying to think of what to say.
- Wait, did I silence my phone earlier? No. All sounds on.
- WTF, it’s been six minutes.
- Wait, did he text and I missed it? Better check. Nope, no text. Grrr.
- It’s been 11 fucking minutes. This was a bad idea.
- Why did I text him? I should’ve just let him text me. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
- Let’s be rational. Maybe he’s swimming in the ocean and doesn’t have his phone on him.
- Or maybe he’s driving. I wouldn’t want him to text and drive.
- What if he’s with some other girl?
- He is definitely with some other girl. It has been 20 minutes. There is no other explanation.
- MOTHERFUCKING DICK!
- Clearly, I am driving him away with my overeager text messages.
- I am totally unattractive to him now.
- Wait a second… Maybe he didn’t get my text.
- There was that one time when my phone wasn’t downloading all of my texts.
- Technology doesn’t always work as it should.
- Just because cell phones are robots doesn’t mean they don’t make mistakes.
- Perhaps I should text again. To make sure he got my last text.
- But what if technology did work as it should? Then I’d be double texting and he’ll think I’m some psycho stalker.
- DAMMIT I JUST CAN’T WIN!
- It has been 34 freaking minutes. Really???
- Honestly, this is just rude.
- It takes like what, two seconds to send a text.
- Okay, maybe 20 seconds if you’re writing something meaningful.
- But still. Aren’t I worth 20 seconds to this jerk?
- Maybe waiting an hour to text back is the equivalent of the wait-three-days-to-call rule from “Swingers.”
- Whatevs. If he can’t spare 20 seconds to reply in a timely manner, he’s clearly not the guy for me.
- Hold up — INCOMING!
- Ermahgerd! It’s him! What does it say?
- “I’m good, how ru?:)”
- Aww, he put a smiley!
- Still… it took the whole of an hour for that?
- I’ll text him back…
- …In two hours.
*Disclaimer: It’s supposed to be funny.
This post originally appeared on Thought Catalog.
Categories: Something is Wrong with Me