Whether you’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship, are busy at work or simply want to “do you” for a while, there comes a time in every woman’s life when you just don’t want a serious relationship.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you want to be a freaking nun. While you’re focusing on doing you, every now and then you’d like to have a hot man-thing to come over and do you as well.
Fortunately, there is a simple solution for this common dilemma: the fuck buddy. (Or, if you prefer, the friend with benefits. Geez, you’re so prim.)
Now, the fuck buddy relationship is designed to provide carefree, uncomplicated sex without commitment. However, humans by nature are complicated beings, so if you’re not careful, drama can unwittingly tiptoe its way in and basically ruin everything.
I’ve personally engaged in both successful and unsuccessful FWB situations, so leave the agony to me and learn from my experience.
My #1 rule is this: the key to keeping your casual coitus fun and headache-free is selecting the right partner. Follow these tips on picking the right lovah to ensure your bangin’ remains, well, bangin’.
He should have at least one relationship deal breaker.
One of the most common killers of a beautiful FWB relationship is when one person starts catching the feels for the other, and let’s face it, the majority of the time it’s the one with the vagina.
Even though you don’t intend for it to happen, those pesky bonding hormones infiltrate your brain post-orgasm and you suddenly feel an overwhelming urge to bake for him.
Trust me, you do not want to fall for your fuck buddy. Doing so could only spell disaster and don’t try to delude yourself into thinking that this could blossom into a meaningful relationship like it did for Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher in “No Strings Attached.” Because nine times out of ten, it won’t.
The best way to stave off potential commitment cravings is to make sure your penis-wielding pal is someone you’d never consider dating seriously.
Maybe he’s significantly younger or wears embellished denim or has no teeth – it doesn’t matter what they are; your deal breakers are your own. Just be certain he has at least one of them.
You should be attracted to him, but not that attracted.
Now, obviously, you need to find your humping honey attractive or you’ll never want to get naked with him, and that’s kind of the whole point.
BUT, he shouldn’t be so inconceivably hot that you fall all over yourself and act like a blithering idiot when you’re around him.
The Zac Efrons of the world (or whoever it is that makes your tongue wag) have an inexplicable way of hypnotizing us into blocking out any otherwise obvious shortcomings and before we know it we’re getting all heart-fluttery whenever their texts pop up.
When you’re together, if you find yourself sweating, horse laughing uncontrollably or spewing out nonsensical phrases and can’t make it stop, do yourself a favor and just WALK AWAY.
Because if you don’t, you start mistaking lust for love and then those damn feelings come round and, well, we’ve already discussed why that’s a bad thing.
He should be still be respectful.
Unspoken terms of the FWB contract specify that one is not expected to perform typical boyfriend duties such as texting every day, remembering birthdays or accompanying you to your cousin’s wedding in Greenland.
HOWEVER, that does not mean it is okay for him to act like a douchebag. This means he should not cancel plans at the last minute, call you a dirty whore or send booty texts at 2 a.m.
And more importantly, you should under no circumstance accept this type of behavior. If someone treats you like shit, then you’ll feel like shit and you wind up carrying said shit with you into future relationships.
Respect yourself enough to never tolerate shoddy behavior from friends – with benefits or without.
He should be clean.
And how do you know if he’s clean? Because you ask him. Straight up, girl.
Just because he smells good and wears designer underwear doesn’t mean there’s not an STD lingering beneath.
You’re a grown woman now and you’ve got to ask the big girl questions, however awkward it may feel.
He should not be your BFF.
I know, I know, it sounds like a great idea – he’s respectful, you’re comfortable with him, and you clearly don’t want a relationship with him because if you did you’d be with him already.
But you don’t want to bed one of your platonic guy friends because no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, sex changes relationships. It just does.
So unless you’re prepared for the strong possibility of losing this guy’s friendship after the sexual dynamics fizzle out, just say nah.
He should not be your ex.
Oh, lord, I can already hear the “buts.” There are no buts – he should not be your ex and that’s all there is to it!
I don’t care if he’s hung like a horse, has 1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets or is the only one who knows just how to touch you in your special place. You guys have too much history and when you reintroduce sex after a breakup all those old feelings inevitably reawaken and one of you is bound to get hurt.
Remember, you broke up for a reason. You want to move forward, not fall back into former dysfunction.
It does not matter if he fulfills all the other criteria. Say it with me: exes are not an option. Period.
At the end of the day, you want your fuck buddy around to help you release tension, not cause it. If it feels like it’s becoming work or is no longer fun, it’s time to cut it off.
I personally have had to discontinue a FWB relationship with a guy I had mind-blowing sex with – because I started becoming emotionally attached.
I knew he had no desire to take it further, so I sucked it up and told him with no expectations exactly why it had to end. He said he understood, and that was it. Admittedly, it didn’t feel awesome for a while, but I got through it and was proud of myself for being such a grown up.
Take heed and proceed with caution, ladies, because it’s perfectly fine to make your hoo-ha happy, but not at the expense of your heart.
What was the secret to your successful FWB relationship? Or, why didn’t it work? Ever fall for a fuck buddy?
A version of this article first appeared on Elite Daily.
Categories: In My Most Excellent Opinion