The Smart Woman’s Guide to Choosing a F*ck Buddy

bridesmaids fuck buddyWhether you’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship, are busy at work or simply want to “do you” for a while, there comes a time in every woman’s life when you just don’t want a serious relationship.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you want to be a freaking nun. While you’re focusing on doing you, every now and then you’d like to have a hot man-thing to come over and do you as well.

Fortunately, there is a simple solution for this common dilemma: the fuck buddy. (Or, if you prefer, the friend with benefits. Geez, you’re so prim.)

Now, the fuck buddy relationship is designed to provide carefree, uncomplicated sex without commitment. However, humans by nature are complicated beings, so if you’re not careful, drama can unwittingly tiptoe its way in and basically ruin everything.

I’ve personally engaged in both successful and unsuccessful FWB situations, so leave the agony to me and learn from my experience.

My #1 rule is this: the key to keeping your casual coitus fun and headache-free is selecting the right partner. Follow these tips on picking the right lovah to ensure your bangin’ remains, well, bangin’.

He should have at least one relationship deal breaker.

dealbreaker
One of the most common killers of a beautiful FWB relationship is when one person starts catching the feels for the other, and let’s face it, the majority of the time it’s the one with the vagina.

Even though you don’t intend for it to happen, those pesky bonding hormones infiltrate your brain post-orgasm and you suddenly feel an overwhelming urge to bake for him.

Trust me, you do not want to fall for your fuck buddy. Doing so could only spell disaster and don’t try to delude yourself into thinking that this could blossom into a meaningful relationship like it did for Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher in “No Strings Attached.” Because nine times out of ten, it won’t.

The best way to stave off potential commitment cravings is to make sure your penis-wielding pal is someone you’d never consider dating seriously.

Maybe he’s significantly younger or wears embellished denim or has no teeth – it doesn’t matter what they are; your deal breakers are your own. Just be certain he has at least one of them.

You should be attracted to him, but not that attracted.

muscle guy

Now, obviously, you need to find your humping honey attractive or you’ll never want to get naked with him, and that’s kind of the whole point.

BUT, he shouldn’t be so inconceivably hot that you fall all over yourself and act like a blithering idiot when you’re around him.

The Zac Efrons of the world (or whoever it is that makes your tongue wag) have an inexplicable way of hypnotizing us into blocking out any otherwise obvious shortcomings and before we know it we’re getting all heart-fluttery whenever their texts pop up.

When you’re together, if you find yourself sweating, horse laughing uncontrollably or spewing out nonsensical phrases and can’t make it stop, do yourself a favor and just WALK AWAY.

Because if you don’t, you start mistaking lust for love and then those damn feelings come round and, well, we’ve already discussed why that’s a bad thing.

He should be still be respectful.

jerk

Unspoken terms of the FWB contract specify that one is not expected to perform typical boyfriend duties such as texting every day, remembering birthdays or accompanying you to your cousin’s wedding in Greenland.

HOWEVER, that does not mean it is okay for him to act like a douchebag. This means he should not cancel plans at the last minute, call you a dirty whore or send booty texts at 2 a.m.

And more importantly, you should under no circumstance accept this type of behavior. If someone treats you like shit, then you’ll feel like shit and you wind up carrying said shit with you into future relationships.

Respect yourself enough to never tolerate shoddy behavior from friends – with benefits or without. 

He should be clean.

stds

And how do you know if he’s clean? Because you ask him. Straight up, girl.

Just because he smells good and wears designer underwear doesn’t mean there’s not an STD lingering beneath.

You’re a grown woman now and you’ve got to ask the big girl questions, however awkward it may feel.

He should not be your BFF.

newgirl

I know, I know, it sounds like a great idea – he’s respectful, you’re comfortable with him, and you clearly don’t want a relationship with him because if you did you’d be with him already.

But you don’t want to bed one of your platonic guy friends because no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, sex changes relationships. It just does.

So unless you’re prepared for the strong possibility of losing this guy’s friendship after the sexual dynamics fizzle out, just say nah.

He should not be your ex.

nope

Oh, lord, I can already hear the “buts.” There are no buts – he should not be your ex and that’s all there is to it!

I don’t care if he’s hung like a horse, has 1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets or is the only one who knows just how to touch you in your special place. You guys have too much history and when you reintroduce sex after a breakup all those old feelings inevitably reawaken and one of you is bound to get hurt.

Remember, you broke up for a reason. You want to move forward, not fall back into former dysfunction.

It does not matter if he fulfills all the other criteria. Say it with me: exes are not an option. Period.

***

At the end of the day, you want your fuck buddy around to help you release tension, not cause it. If it feels like it’s becoming work or is no longer fun, it’s time to cut it off.

I personally have had to discontinue a FWB relationship with a guy I had mind-blowing sex with – because I started becoming emotionally attached.

I knew he had no desire to take it further, so I sucked it up and told him with no expectations exactly why it had to end. He said he understood, and that was it. Admittedly, it didn’t feel awesome for a while, but I got through it and was proud of myself for being such a grown up.

Take heed and proceed with caution, ladies, because it’s perfectly fine to make your hoo-ha happy, but not at the expense of your heart.

***

What was the secret to your successful FWB relationship? Or, why didn’t it work? Ever fall for a fuck buddy?

A version of this article first appeared on Elite Daily.

 

36 replies

  1. I had one for 25 years {met at 17 ended at 42 except for when we were married to other people for a few years} till I fell for him. We had awesome chemistry and boy did he know his way around my body, but we never clicked as a couple.. We saw each other whenever for 25 years till I fell for him and that ended it. Was great fun though, { still wish him well and when we see each other now, we are still friendly, just not in the old way any more.} Enjoy ladies but don’t break the rules. I also had another one for a year, but he broke the rule and I ended it.Would never date that one in public.

  2. Very enjoyable post. I believe sex buddies are fine but there’s the risk of falling in love with them and this will definitely ruin the whole experience. Good job SingleGirlie!

  3. this is bullshit fuck buddies just lead to pain and sorrow. If you want to have fuck them make sure you want to be with them long term otherwise what’s the point? Fuck fuck buddies.

  4. Hey! I just stumbled across your blog (actually was feeling sad and pathetic and single so I googled single girl blogs) and boy am I glad I did. Turns out, I totally botched a perfectly fabulous fuck buddy situation with FEELINGS- damn it. He was a 10 year younger boy toy to boot! If only I had read your rules prior to choosing this succulent young thing- I would have been all the wiser. Thank goodness you are here now, I will follow with fervor. Thank you so much- Fucking hysterical! Cheers!

  5. I’ve got 2 Fwb going on. The one is there to make me emotionally feel good, and the other is to sexually make me feel good. I will admit, I find myself getting attached to the Fuck buddy. I have been able to let my feelings not get in the way. I rarely get in touch with him first although every time I get a notification I hope it’s him. My emotional buddy wants to be more but I like keeping it the way it is. Mind you, we play around but not as intense as with Fb

  6. Okay, this is good stuff. Good hygiene and good manners are a must.
    I also have my own personal criteria. Muscles, tats, and if they drive a motorcycle, it’s kind of a done deal.
    I met one recently. He has potential. I’ll keep you posted. I may actually post about him.
    Wait, I’ve never done that EVER! Am I really going to write about my sex life?
    How’s that working for ya? Never done that before. I blog about sex often, but never about someone I’m actually having #sexytimes with.

    • Wellll, that’s sort of a big part of my blog. I mean, just in that it’s about being single and dating and sex is a big part of it. It also makes for funny stories. Being anonymous helps. I probably wouldn’t do it if I weren’t anonymous. BUT, being anonymous has its drawbacks as well. I’ve missed out on some great opportunities because I won’t reveal my identity. Nothing is fair.

      Do keep me posted on the potential FB. Hope it’s goooood.

  7. I suppose that calling myself a willing and wanna-be “Buck Fuddy” would not only continue indefinitely my solitary evenings, but it might also get me banned from your blog. Consequently, I stand back admiringly and marvel at that simgle-girl mind that produced the words and collected the images of this posting.

    If ‘hung like a horse’ doesn’t exclude an ex from consideration, then ‘hung like a hamster’ certainly should, and there are a fair number out there.

  8. I had a fuck buddy earlier this year, it was all good and I thought I wasn’t attached in the least, but it hurt a bit when he got a real girlfriend, it wasn’t too bad though and I’d do it again. The respectful one is number one I think it should be mutually fun, not some deal where he makes you feel like an unpaid prostitute. And wow, if a guy said to me he “wasn’t really into food” that’d be it for me. I once started to go off a guy because he said he didn’t like baked dinners. Who doesn’t like baked dinners????

  9. Mine didn’t work because while we weren’t best friends, we had known each other for a while. I didn’t realize until late that we should not have been buddies at all, much less FWBs. He was creepy.

      • I had a fuck buddy he asked if I wont catch emotions I said if I do I will back away. The last time I invited him over he didn’t come he said his at work but he would love to. After that he went silent it’s been months now we haven’t spoke or sent each other texts. And I am seriously hooked I even dream about him. should I vall him and confess or leave it cause I think ive already shot myself in the foot.

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