I Responded To Everyone Who Messaged Me On OkCupid and Here’s What Happened

Lena-Dunhamcomputer

There is a universal yet unwritten rule among people who date online: if someone doesn’t respond to your initial message, it means they’re not interested. Sounds pretty simple and straightforward, right? Most people get it and are just fine with it. However, some people get a raging ass bee in their bonnet over it. And when I say “people,” I mean men. Mostly men, anyway, because men initiate contact more often than women.

It’s no secret that women receive far more messages online than do men. So many, sometimes, that it’s hard to keep up. I’m not saying this to sound high and mighty or whatever, it’s just the truth. And men get frustrated that the vast majority of their messages go unanswered. In fact, a lot of dudes get pissy and claim that if they took the time to write a message, women should at least have the courtesy of replying, even if it’s to say we’re not interested. Like this guy:

Credit: Instagram @byefelipe

Credit: Instagram @byefelipe

But here’s the thing. As I said, we get a shitload of messages. It would be extremely time consuming to respond personally to each one, which is why we normally just defer to the universal rule mentioned above – no reply means not interested.

Now, I’ve been on the other side of the coin as well. I’ve sent messages to guys, received no reply and, yes, it bites sweaty, donkey ass. However, it bites donkey simply because they’re not interested, not because I think they’re lowdown, motherfucking dicks for not replying. No one likes rejection, der. But I deal with it and move on. They don’t owe me anything.

So I began to wonder, what would happen if I actually replied to all of these men? They say they want a response, even if it’s to politely decline their advance. But how does it REALLY feel when you read those words of rejection? Probably not too fuckin’ good, TBH.

So I tried it. I responded to everyone, nicely. This is what happened.

Some guys were totally OK with it.

OkCupid nice message

Or even appreciative.

OkCupid nice message

Others thought it sucked.

OkCupid angry message

A couple guys wanted a lengthy dialog about why I wasn’t interested.

OkCupid annoying message

Seriously, ain’t nobody got time for that.

Some behaved like 8-year-old boys.

OkCupid rude message

Others totally hit below the belt.

OkCupid nasty text

And some were horrifying, evil, fire-spitting swamp monsters.

OkCupid angry message

Welp, my question was answered.

Now that this little experiment is complete, I am going back to the unwritten rule, and dudes are just gonna have to suck it the fuck up. I’m sorry if a few bad apples ruin it for the nice guys, but why on earth would we allow ourselves to be subjected to this kind of abuse just because someone’s goddamned ego was too precious? That’s a whole lotta OR NAH.

Guys, you are not entitled to a response. We don’t even know you. We’re not trying to be rude, we are just trying to be efficient and to protect ourselves from immature, unwarranted insults.

So, next time you encounter a man who rants indignant because they haven’t received a polite decline, feel free to send him the link to this page. Because, frankly, this here scum slut has had enough.

Lead image credit: HBO/movie4k.country

86 replies

  1. Feeling a little down after not receiving any responses but only R statuses on my messages (I think was being polite). Considering the crap you had to deal with, it feels better knowing that it is nothing personal. Thanks for sharing this!

    Cheers,
    dd bs=1024 count=1 Guy-From-OkCupid.txt

  2. OKC was a freakin nightmare for me.

    I’m a fairly good-looking guy, liberal but grew up in a conservative household with a lot of values, well-traveled, athletic, have a great job and I can hold conversations about pretty much anything.

    I am good at talking to women and I have never been single for longer than a few weeks in more than a decade and I’m only 26. It was very easy to meet girls in school and when I worked in Manhattan I’d run into women all the time so dating was never an issue for me.

    I broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years earlier in January of this year and I work from home now so I meet very few people. This got me to finally create a profile on OKC.

    In the first week I maybe went through a 1,000 profiles and sent over 50 personal, well-written messages to women with at least a 90% match percentage and with who I have a LOT in common.
    Responses? 0!
    I never complemented them on their looks, I asked meaningful questions and always made sure there was something in the message that would make them laugh or smile.

    It was incredibly frustrating. I even created a fake account to check if people can actually see my profile because I literally felt I was invisible.

    After that I assumed there was something catastrophically wrong with my profile so I spent TENS OF HOURS tweaking it with no results.

    Nothing against overweight women but in the end, I started messaging women who were twice my weight or 10 years older just to get a response because I was having a hard time believing this was actually happening.

    I did manage to get a few responses from them (50% response rate, maybe) and that was when it dawned on me that my articulate, genuine messages I’d sent initially had just been completely ignored.

    Needless to say I got the hell outta OKC and decided to spend at least 2 hours everyday going out and meeting people in a variety of places. I met my current girlfriend at my gym. She is smart, has a 4 pack and has a great job. I told her about my OKC nightmare and she laughed and said online dating is for losers.

    Sorry, girls but OKC sucks for men! SUCKS DONKEY BALLS! I have never felt so dejected in my ENTIRE life. There is something so fundamentally wrong with the paradigm.

  3. I think if a guy has obviously gone to some trouble to communicate meaningfully he deserves a considered response, rather than silence or an obviously rote piss-off. Men are people too you know. It is only human to fear rejection after all.

  4. There is an issue with these messages and the main problem with OkCupid. I will post a message as an example of what I send that is nothing like this. I am a male, who actually reads the women’s profiles. One thing I never do is compliment a woman on her looks. That is a huge mistake and creepy. What I do is always talk about what I liked in their profile. Yet, I never receive a response. It’s a bit complex to explain more and while I understand that women get tons of messages, I would like to think that I stick out from the rest. Here is what I put in one message that did not get a response:

    “I saw you lived in New Orleans for a bit. I went down there for the first time in March of 2014. That was one of my best vacations. I drove down there (stopped off in Memphis for a day which was great, too). The food was unbelievable in both cities.

    You appear to be established in life being a teacher. My goal in college was to become a high school history teacher.

    It would be nice to talk more. I liked what I read.”

  5. OKCupid is the new CraigsList. Sad but true. Not sure why but OKCupid used to be a decent site but now it seems it’s turned into a hookup site. So, you can’t be shocked that you get comments like this. Someone that calls a girl a bitch is not someone I’d want to be dating if I were a girl. 🙂

  6. Oh! I came across your blog in the right time in my life!!! 🙂 I just became single again after 7 years of a monogamous relationship. It’s tough for a girl getting back out there. At first I tried to be nice, but just like you said….the responses were just all over the place. I hate to be a “biatch” but….I think you are correct…the unspoken rule is a rule for a reason.

  7. lol! I haven’t truly laughed through an entire post in SO long. I thoroughly enjoyed this. Great experiment and response, also. I’m with you – no reply is the best reply. And the ones that send repeat messages get BLOCKED. And I slam on my mouse when I do it too lol

  8. So here’s the thing about message responding online that I found last I used one several years ago (and I also get to utilize an equal opportunity here to turn a woman’s thought process around on her & maybe learn something): in the same modus operandi as ‘how long should we allow before a follow up text, call etc. after meeting or a formal date or sex,’ how long should a guy allow an online message to hang out there before he SHOULD try to make sure he’s been formally swept left and not just lost in the shuffle? The exact thing happened to me & nearly cost my girlfriend & I meeting because I thought I messaged her & she was wondering if I ever was going to after I kept viewing her profile over & over waiting to avoid the exact annoying dude syndrome you’re referring to above happening if she wasn’t interested.

    • I didn’t say anything about annoying dude syndrome. Go ahead and send a message. If she doesn’t respond, feel free to send another. But just don’t get angry & lash out if she doesn’t respond, or if she does respond but isn’t interested.

  9. I’m the founder of a new iPhone dating app called ‘Ten’ which aims to increase the likelihood of positive responses from messages sent by only allowing you to send/receive messages to those ‘in your league’. We think it will help avoid situations shown in this article!

    Check it out here: http://appsto.re/gb/wcZY6.i

    Thanks,
    James.

  10. Hello, my lovely! 🙂 Been ages – my bad. Can I put on my church hat and preach some?

    1. Insults mean zero options lined up. Or else, why get mad over ONE rejection?!?

    2. NEVER explain why you don’t like a guy back; he’ll argue you out of your aversion.

    3. Because he’ll have his ass thrown in jail if his bite matches his bark IRL, online abuse is a (western) man’s only nonpunishable-by-law venting window; watch the day he can be sued over that, too. 😉

    4. Sympathy’s a must cos most men don’t believe in the right to be deemed undesirable.

    5. OKCupid must reinforce its screening system. A guy on there had sent me a dick pic; I reported him, as a result, MY OWN ACCOUNT WAS DISCONTINUED! Go figure.

    I hear they now offer the option to hide yourself to “pests.” Is it true? Is it free?

    • Oh my darling you disappear for months then suddenly reappear in my life just like a certain ex-boyfriend of mine! No matter, I’m just glad to have you when you can. Again, words of wisdom from you. Your account was discontinued for reporting a dick pic? WTF? I know you can block people – is this what you mean by hiding yourself from pests or can you weed out the pests in advance? Intrigued.

      • I, unlike your ex beau, will NEVER pulverize your ruby heart, sweetness. 🙂

        If the ad atop profiles is to be believed, you can block pests in advance now! They never know you even exist on the site. If that option’s free, I’ll rejoin. Oh, OKC’s got a new look, too! Bigger font FTW.

  11. Guy here, just wanted to say you girls have no idea what is like being a guy on there. You can be a high quality guy and go on there and not get any hits. You can send out 200 high quality messages and not get a single response. All this while holding down a job and taking care of an ailing family member. Non of that is important though, because hey your in-box is full so you are within your rights to ignore men for no justifiable reason. I can understand why some men get nasty on there.

    If you don’t believe me just go on as the guy you would like to meet, with a normal picture. Enjoy walking an arid desolation alone. You might get some hits of women you would never date every month or so, but mostly you will be ignored. You can take my word for it.

    • Oh, I believe you. I have guy friends who tell me how frustrating it is. That would totally suck. But your comment “ignore men for no justifiable reason” is troubling. First of all, we don’t need a reason because we don’t OWE men anything. Second, the reasons I actually laid out in my post. On your end it may sound like peaches and cream because we get a lot of messages because you experience the exact opposite, but believe me when I say it’s not. No one likes to get verbally abused by men. Even men. If you don’t believe me, read this:

      http://jezebel.com/man-poses-as-woman-on-online-dating-site-barely-lasts-1500707724

      • “Oh, I believe you. I have guy friends who tell me how frustrating it is. That would totally suck.”

        Try it.

        “But your comment “ignore men for no justifiable reason” is troubling.”

        How?

        “First of all, we don’t need a reason because we don’t OWE men anything.”

        This is not a gender issue. Is an issue of common human decency. If someone spends a good deal of time looking through your profile and writing a decent response. The polite thing to do would be to let them know you are not interested. The better way to go about it if you find the message not interesting but well written is to look at their profile in return and do a probability analysis to determine that they may be interesting and appealing or not. If you don’t like them at first, just from a well written message maybe you need to give them more of a chance by looking at their profile. Some people have off days, or come across as weird at first until you get to know them better. This is not justifying scummy messages, just messages that are well written and being ignored.

        “Second, the reasons I actually laid out in my post. On your end it may sound like peaches and cream because we get a lot of messages because you experience the exact opposite, but believe me when I say it’s not.”

        Your job is much easier, to choose is easier then to try to be chosen. Lets go into detail about how you have to do this as a man. First you must make a decent profile which can take from 1-3 hours depending. Then you tweak and re-tweak your profile. After that you must spend about 10-20 min per profile looking through what has been written and their answers to the questions. If you don’t like them you move on to repeat the process. If you have found someone you might like, you have maybe another 3-10 min on a response. Most women don’t even bother to fully fill out their profile which makes it difficult. To do all of that to get no response is the truest way to explain diminishing returns. Most of the time not only will she not respond do your message, but she wont even look at your profile. Now we need to factor in that to get a response you need to do this many times for any kind of return. I pointed out the number 200. Lets say a guy sends out about 200 good messages per year (not the spam kind). So 200 messages at about 25 min per message and profile analysis = 5000 min of time wasted. That is 83.33 hours wasted, not only wasted but also ignored. At that rate at a average full time job of working for about 2 weeks you could have gotten $1083. That is a lot of time to waste for not getting any kind of response. Not only does it waste their time but it is telling them that their time is worthless and below your concern. They are not even human beings in your eyes, and you have the right to waste their lives for the pleasure of inflating your own ego by rejecting them. That is why some men snap.

        Sure you must sort though lots and lots of men (most of them trash). But you see that is really the fault of your own. If you were really into womens lib as much as you seem to be you would be pro-actively going after the men you wanted like a man. If all women did this then the number of men spamming your in box would shrink as women were perusing as much as they were pursued.

        However the reason why women don’t do this is that they don’t like the fear of being rejected and thus force that onto men. You, even by your own admission say “that must suck” acknowledging this fact about yourself. You have no idea how it can effect someone and I doubt you even know how bad it really is, so saying “that must suck” is really just downplaying suffering. And then women like you come around and judge men for going on a website that enhances this problem by a factor of 1000 and SOME of those men get upset. Blame the victim mentality much?

        “No one likes to get verbally abused by men. Even men. If you don’t believe me, read this:”

        No one is justifying their verbal abuse. And for the men who spam your in box with scandalous messages and propositions they deserve no sympathy because they act like scum. I do not defend those men, but I do defend those who are haplessly stuck being ignored when they send out good messages and wondering what is wrong with them.

        At the same time you say that “one bad apple spoils the bunch” and give the mistreatment by one man as the justifiable reason for ignoring even the decent men. I have 3 problems with this.

        Problem 1: We live in a country which allows free speech, I would sooner allow people to have the right to say anything than to censor things. Under this logic, and knowing you live in a country with this ideal you need to become more accustomed to free speech, even if it is horrible. Walking around in the verge of crying because someone said something mean is very pre-school. Since when did words break your bones like sticks and stones? Not being respectful to someone because they may be disrespectful is not only childish and selfish, but it is also disrespectful to those who are nice. Furthermore it makes you look like a coward due to fear negative speech.

        Problem 2: Punishing a whole group of people for the crimes of a few is doing exactly what you wish to stop. Lets change how you think of this, using this paraphrase:

        “I will not respond to men because some men have responded rudely”

        Lets change it too:

        “I will not respond to black men because some black men have responded rudely”

        Thus it becomes evident you are using a type of logic which is punishing people of a particular group due to some members of that group. You are engaging in a form of bigotry. In the end the only people you are truly punishing are the decent men who do come on Okcupid, for nothing they did, or have any power over.

        Problem 3: Your kindness and morality is conditional. If your morality and kindness is conditional based on how you are treated, it is thus meaningless. If you truly believed that treating people with kindness was important you would do it at all times irregardless of how you are treated by some. You would take the lumps of being mistreated because your own views on moral treatment of others would be paramount. But as you only think that being nice (and replying to messages you are not interested in) is only justified if they will be nice to you in return, you are not really a nice person.

        As you have posted a link I will post 3 of my own:

        ——————–
        He seems like a decent person and the comments are an interesting read which also confirm what he is saying:

        ——————–
        Another decent person who categorized all his personalized posts to women and showed them and talked about the issues of the site:

        http://blog.thelemur.com/opinion/okcupid-sucks

        ——————–
        A feminist agreeing that it is not a good place for decent men or women:

        http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2013-02-online-dating-sucks-for-men-because-of-women-like-me
        ——————–

        I have taken the time to post this not to tear down womens lib, or to be anti-feminist. I write this because it is about human decency to each other. Its about being understanding of others. You can try to tear down what I say, or put words in my mouth, but if you do, in the end, educated people will just think you are being a jerk. I hope you find someone to love, and I hope you learn what true compassion, understanding and kindness is. Love is complicated, and if you cant find a man when over 200+ men are available to you, and you can look on your own for more, maybe, just maybe, you are being unreasonable.

        Good luck and may Kali-Ma have mercy on your soul.

  12. I’ve just started the online dating process for research, and let me tell you… The response is overwhelming. Who in the hell has time to answer every response?

  13. There was this guy on okcupid who, in the first message, asked if I would be interested in having sex with him. Told him I’d consider it if he agrees to wear nothing but a diaper, arrive at my place, and let me whip him to the brink of death first.

  14. I assume that the first mail might have been lost in the 200 other emails she got that day. So if I’m really interested I’ll send 2 or 3 before giving up.

  15. I admit that I wrote back to girls and gave them a hard time for not replying (it was a bad time for me, since I was fighting the gayness in my closet). I felt like a fool for doing it, but it was just so disheartening to get so few replies (and maybe I felt like it affirmed my gayness). Some girls wrote back and apologized and some wrote back equally nasty. I guess the thing is we feel like if we get no response at all that those evil girls are just laughing at our pathetic profiles and photos.

    With that said, I’ve come to agree with you that the best way to handle it is to not write back at all. What could possibly be gained from that anyway? It’s just awkward all around.

    (On a happier note I’m now a happily married gay man with someone I met on OK Cupid.)

    • Well, Anthony, I’m glad to see you now see the error in your ways 🙂 I think many of us take it as a personal affront when it really isn’t. Many of the messages I send are met with radio silence as well. I’ve learned to just realize that not everyone is going to like me. Can’t win ’em all. Can’t win most of ’em, really. It’s NBD.

      And I’m so happy to hear you’ve stopped fighting your gayness and are now happily married. That’s fucking awesome. Congrats!

  16. What’s scary is that you know some of these men are getting dates based on their sugary sweet, super gentlemanly initial messages. It makes you wonder what happens after a date or two, when the woman decides she is not interested after all. For someone to leap from pleasant to a white hot, misogynistic rage over something so simple as a text message makes me think anything could happen if he actually met the woman, knew what she looked like, and perhaps had followed her home.

    • My thoughts EXACTLY!! Sometimes it maybe just the issue of an ego bruised on a bad day, but honestly, most of them sound like violent offenders waiting to happen! It’s in no way normal and healthy to respond with that much rage to a simple rejection. Also, the sexism in assuming that women owe men their time and energy simply because the guy showed interest (online or off), screams of rape culture mentality!

  17. Omfg, be thankful you never ended up going out with any of those abusive losers. Any man or woman who would speak to another human being simply deserves to be alone. Think there may be a few potential spouse beaters in that mix.

  18. Sometimes it shames me to be a guy. I would prefer they let me be the ambassador. I’ve had the “no thank you” messages and have thanked them for taking the time and wished them luck. I’ve had to send the “not interested” message and it sucked to do so, but it is what it is.

    My sister-in-law reminds me of my advancing age and tells me I can’t bee picky for it. lol

    • Well, there are all types of people out there – some very nice and some little pieces of roach shit. Sadly, it’s impossible to know which is which when they message you. We can be however picky we want, so your sister in law can kindly blow it 🙂

    • I’m honestly shocked to hear that a guy has sent a “no thank you message”. I’ve taken the time to write out nice personalized messages to guys. and NOT ONE SINGLE TIME have I gotten a response. Guess most guys are only into hot girlz with big boobz and a half naked pics!

  19. Whenever I get those responses my first reaction is anger (natch), but then I’m overwhelmed by pity. Happy, fulfilled people don’t need validation from random gals on the Internet. I feel like I just want to respond with a link to their local mental health organization or Free Hugs group.

  20. I generally consider online dating sites a wasteland, meaning mostly a waste of time for all involved other than the owners of the site and its advertisers. However, this points out its great advantage as a weeding-out tool. The hostile, bitter, potentially violent guy isn’t on your porch or standing outside your apartment building. And there are many of them out there. Leave them online, and use block and log-off early and often. Sure, a few bad ones are going to slip through your defenses anyway, but you can deal with them. The mass of misanthropes can stay right where they belong, where you can control them with the power button on your phone, tablet, or laptop.

  21. When I started online dating I was always very polite and responded with “thank you”… I didn’t go as far as you did to say I wasn’t interested, which was a critical mistake. It meant I got sucked into conversations and then had to just ignore them or eventually say “I’m not interested”… at which point I got pretty similar responses to you. So, like you, I now ignore anyone I’m not interested in.

    Sigh.

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