I recently joined Bumble, a dating app that’s basically just like Tinder, except the women have to send messages first. It’s been dubbed “the feminist Tinder,” because it gives women more control.

Anyway, I was swiping away one evening and came across a younger guy named Jason who said he was looking for older women. He was medium-cute and I was bored so I thought, what the hell? I swiped right – and he turned out to be a match! I sent him a message saying hello.

Pretty standard so far. But after he messaged me back, I re-read his profile and saw that it had changed. It now said something like, “Any ladies up for some fun?! Outcalls only! [tongue emoji]”

I was fairly certain he wasn’t a physician, but I was curious as to whether he really was trying to man-whore himself on Bumble. So I asked.

At first, I was insulted and felt my self-esteem shrivel. WHAT? This only medium-cute guy wants me to pay HIM for sex? I can get laid by a much hotter dude any time I damn well pleased, thank you very much!

And then I felt depressed. Had it really come to this? Was I so undesirable someone assumed I’d have to turn to a professional to get a little boom-boom? I mean, I know it happened to me in Thailand, but I thought that was just the local custom.

But then I realized actually telling him any of this would only make me sound defensive and slightly psychotic. So I decided to go a different route. One that incorporated mirth, curiosity and… oh what the hell. I wanted to fuck with him a little.

First, I wanted to see if he was serious about his career as a prostitute.

Then I started to dig deeper, to determine exactly what he might agree to…

For those unfamiliar with pegging, yes, it means banging a guy in the butt with a strap-on. I learned all about it on an episode of Broad City. Apparently it’s huge right now.

But Jason didn’t seem too keen on it and tried to flip it around.

Unfortunately, this only confused him. So I made another offer.

It’s true. My bathtub is filthy.

Regrettably, I wasn’t able to screenshot the rest before he unmatched me. But believe it or not, Jason didn’t immediately reject the proposition.

The rest of the conversation went like this:

Jason: How much are you willing to pay?

Me: I’ll give you $20 but the thing has to sparkle and you have to dress up like Hello Kitty.

And sadly, that was when I lost him. It appears that while selling his body to the highest bidder on the internet is totes copacetic, tub-scrubbing cosplay is where Jason draws the line.

Ladies, if you’re wondering how to lose a guy, I think we have the answer. Domestic labor combined with adorable Japanese anime seems to be a real boner killer. Kate Hudson really didn’t apply herself in that movie, IMO.

And to Jason, if you’re reading: you’re really going to have to brush up on your terminology if you want to make it in this business. What kind of sex worker doesn’t know the meaning of fellatio?

And obviously, pegging.