In My Most Excellent Opinion

Top 5 Breakup Songs

It has been one week and three days since Tom and I broke up. And to be sure, during this time I have many times felt like starting my car and giving my tail pipe a hummer. What I have not been doing, however, is listening to sad, sappy songs […]

Why Do People Cheat?

A few weeks ago, a reader asked what my thoughts are on the age-old question: “Why do people cheat?” Now, before I continue, I want to declare that I am no expert. In fact, I claim expertise in nothing except stealth farting on dates. Nevertheless, someone actually wants to hear […]

Top 7 Songs to F*ck to

Being in a new relationship can be tricky. You’re figuring out each other’s quirks, deciding if he’s “the one,” holding in your farts… But the one thing we can all agree upon about new relationships: the sex rocks. You’re fucking and sucking ten times a day, it’s the best lovemaking […]

That’s Not My Name

When I was married, I changed my surname to match my husband’s. I will never, ever do it again (if I ever decide to marry again, which is another subject). I suppose I did it because we had gotten married on a whim, and I wanted to prove to him […]

Be a Baby, Why Don’t You?

Generally speaking, I’m not a huge fan of babies. I mean, I’ve nothing against them — I might even get one someday — but I don’t fuss and coo and go gaga when I see a baby. They’re just not that interesting to me. They’re kinda like fleshy blobs of […]

New Rule: The 5-Minute Date

I had a date the other night. It went pretty much the same way every single online date I’ve ever had has gone. We met for a drink and when I laid eyes on him I really wasn’t attracted physically. I wasn’t repulsed either, he just wasn’t someone I imagined […]