WTF is Victoria Beckham’s Problem?

Can we take a moment to discuss a bizarre Hollywood phenomenon that baffles me only slightly less than the idea that Snooki is in a stable relationship and I’m not?

Today I’d like to address Victoria Beckham’s ever-persevering scowl, and what could she possibly be so ragingly pissed off about? I’m honestly beginning to think she is trying to hide the fact that she has absolutely no teeth, because this woman has not smiled since “Wannabe” was a hit.

Take a look:

She should have called herself “Petulant Spice.” Even Scary Spice is afraid.

Why so angry, Posh? Did your maid just serve you a shit pie?

If anyone has reason to be content — if not ecstatically happy — it’s Victoria Beckham. Here are just three reasons why:

  1. First, she became rich and famous by being one-fifth of one of the most talentless and collectively unattractive girl bands in history, the Spice Girls. Is arsenic a spice? Can we please season these birds with it? I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want. I want you to shut the fuck up and go back to slinging bangers and mash at Ye Olde Cock ‘n Gutter Rat.
  2. Secondly, this lucky bish is married to David Beckham. DAVID BECKHAM — the most beautiful, magnificent, glorious creature to ever grace planet Earth. Next to David Beckham, even Brad Pitt feels like Jonah Hill. If I had the incredible fortune to wake up next to David Beckham every morning, I’d emerge from the bed each day singing Judy Garland songs followed by the most enthusiastic rendition of Gangnam Style you’ve ever witnessed.
  3. Lastly, she is the mother of four small children, yet weighs less than any one of them. Most women would undergo Chinese foot binding to fit into her pencil skirt. Wait a second — ding, ding, ding!  I may have uncovered the secret behind her persistent foul mood. The bitch hasn’t eaten since the 90s. Damn, it was so obvious.

Still, even the poor, emaciated, Ebola-stricken kids in the Congo can manage to eke out a grin when Sally Struthers hands them a packet of freeze-dried corn. If the three things above can’t make Miss Vic happy, clearly nothing can. Shall we just euthanize the woman and put her out of her misery?

If you aren’t happy with your life, Victoria, I’ll gladly trade you mine. You try sitting behind a desk in a windowless chamber all day then hop on Plenty of Fish and meet up with middle-aged balding dudes who think doling out back-handed compliments is the key to your cooter. When I make a sour puss face, at least I’ve got cause.

Allow me to break it down for you:

Thankless job + dating life sponsored by Zoloft = Scowl

Undeservedly rich & famous + fucking David Beckham = Grin like Ryan Lochte with a gold medal and a new set of grillz

So come on, Vicky. Take a long, hard look at your over-privileged, ridiculously blessed life and give us a little smirk, will you? Because if you think about it, things could be a lot worse. You could be Geri Haliwell.

70 replies

  1. I actually like Victoria, I think she’s gorgeous.
    As a teen, I fucking hated smiling cause I wore braces, and the last thing I needed was a reminder I used that stupid thing.
    Maybe she’s secretly using braces as well lol

    • Hasn’t anyone noticed how unusual her smile is? Her teeth are set differently in her mouth, like the angle, and perhaps she simply doesn’t like her smile. Simple as that. Too bad she can’t feel more free.

  2. I mean, when you invest practically every day
    of your life concealing your real self from the world, you truly
    start to feel adversely about yourself and your future.

  3. I read an interview with Victoria B. wherein she said she hates her smile, especially in photos, so she chooses to not smile. I think she needs to get over it and just go big in the opposite direction. People always look best when they smile. She’s too self-critical and uptight–she needs to let loose!

  4. I never really cared about her but yes, I did think she was lame being so stuck up all the time. Now your post made me check her interviews on youtube and I was really surprised. Watch this one for example: I think she is just really cute, natural and funny. I like her way more than a bunch of other stars that usually try to come across as super funny, smart and special, but watching them you just wish they would be themselves. Well, I don’t know if I managed to explain my perception :-). English is not my first language.

    • I watched the video on youtube, Anya. She is quite funny, & has an adorable smile! I hardly recognized her. Very cute video!

  5. I think I read somewhere that she doesn’t smile because she thinks it makes her look fatter in the face? I think she is too skinny, especially with implants, you don’t wanna have too little body fat. She looks amazing considering she has 4 kids though!

    Although I think Brad Pitt is way hotter than David beckhem.

  6. Thank you for this! I saw an interview w/her once on Ellen & she said she doesn’t work out b/c she can’t wrap her brain around what she would wear (i.e.: ditching her ass tight pencil skirt & 7 inch heels for tennis shoes) …wtf?

  7. Absolutely loved this post. The thing Victoria Beckham needs is a Happy Meal and a hug from Santa. That will do it, I reckon.

    “Next to David Beckham, even Brad Pitt feels like Jonah Hill” – so hilarious!

  8. Hahahaha!! Perfect! Well being hungry 24/7 and having to fit into clothes a 4 year old would struggle to fit into would make anyone seriously pissed off. Not sure if I would be thrilled with David B… OK he does looks hot but have you heard him talk…squeeeek. Ah well.

  9. Wait a second! I’m a middle-aged balding dude and at the MABD Club (yes there IS such a thing…they teach us that backhanded compliments ARE the key to your cooter! Was I misinformed?

  10. Personally, I think the scowl had something to do with her Spice Girls persona – and she just never figured out that it was time to let that go. Even though, really, if you’re going to name yourself “Posh” you’d think you’d learn how to walk in heels. Has she figured that out yet?

    Although, to be fair, didn’t the Spice Girls get back together for the Olympics or something? Because that makes sense.

  11. That was hilarious. Although maybe she DOES wake up and sings Judy Garland songs followed by Gangnam madness. That would possibly be pretty tiring combined with all the kids, so she’s just worn out by the time she gets to a camera?

  12. This is hilarious!! I had also read the article posted above @addai007 where she explained why she never smiles. But David B is definitely one the BEST reasons to smile. She’s trippin! Good stuff lol

  13. Tell me about it. I think she is very pretty and it’s like she’s trying toooo hard to perpetuate this image that she’s too good to crack a smile. She did an interview for Glamour and had this to say as to why she’s always scowling “Do you know, I don’t know?! I actually used to smile a lot in pictures. I think I only stopped smiling when I got into fashion. [Laughs.] Fashion stole my smile! I’ve created this person. And I’m not saying that’s not me, but I wouldn’t say that’s the whole me…. It’s an armor that goes up.”

    Still kinda a silly excuse to me but I have a feeling behind closed doors she’s pretty normal. I hope!

    • I read that too! But come on, “Gee, I don’t know why I don’t smile”? I don’t buy it. I think she knows. I think she thinks she looks heinous when she smiles, but that would be too vain a thing to say. I could be wrong. She could in fact be a very merry soul. Nahhhh.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s