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It’s a question as old as time. Well, as long as Tinder’s been around anyway. Why do guys match but not message on dating apps? 

Let’s set the scene. It’s Thursday night and you’re bored AF, wasting time browsing the man buffet on Tinder (or Hinge, or whatever app du jour you’re entertaining at the moment).

Swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left… OOH! He’s kinda cute. OMG he’s got a dog, look how adorbs! He likes tacos. ME TOO! And his arms… honeyyyyyyyy! 100% swipe right. Hold the presses… IT’S A MATCH! Your brain cells flood with dopamine and you do a little three-second shimmy on the sofa.

You’re a confident badass of a woman, so you make the first move and send a message. Nothing too lengthy, just something to break the ice. “Hey! Your pup is adorable. What’s her name?” I mean, who doesn’t like talking about their dog?

You put down your phone and go make some popcorn while you binge-watch Beef for the third time. After the first episode, you check your phone to make sure you didn’t miss anything. Nada. By the end of the night, you still haven’t heard anything. NBD.

Next day… still nothing. Next week… crickets. What the hell? And then that question again: Why would this guy match but not message me???  It’s a dating app for crying out loud, that’s what you’re supposed to do!

The reasons are as wide and varied as the way my ass looks in jeans on any given day. Let’s go through a few of them, shall we?

1. He swipes right on everyone

Annoyingly, men are famous for doing this. He swipes right on every stinking profile and then filters out who he wants to message after matches are confirmed.

There is science behind this phenomenon of guys matching but not messaging. A study found that men are far more likely to swipe right on literally every profile whereas women are more selective swipers. But wait, there’s more. Even though men are more likely to swipe right, they’re also less likely to send a message than their female counterparts.

Maybe he figures it’s a more efficient method than examining every profile if most of them aren’t going to match with him, anyway. It’s a fair point. Not any less infuriating, but I get the logic.

2. He’s married (or otherwise taken)

As a singleton, you often get on these dating apps assuming everyone pretty much has the same intention as you do. You’re single, they’re single, you want to date, they want to date. Yeah, not always.

Sadly, there are married dudes o’plenty lurking around on these dating apps. And that’s all they’re doing – lurking. They just want to see if they can get matches to confirm that they “still got it” or they’re drumming up a little fantasy. It gives them a cheap thrill to match with cute women while experiencing the excitement of cheating while not technically cheating (or is he?).

If it’s any consolation, he’s probably wanking to you on the toilet while his wife works late.

3. He just wants the affirmation

Similar to the married jerks above, some guys, even single guys, are just affirmation swiping. With every match, their penis tingles and they feel a little boost of confidence to distract them from their secret fear that nobody could ever love them. OK, we got a little dark there but truly, if someone resorts to fake dating to curb their insecurities, maybe there’s a problem.

4. He’s just looking

Another reason guys might match but not message is because he has no intention of meeting anyone and just wants to take a gander at what’s out there. I’ve done this myself, admittedly. Several years ago, the slogan for Match.com was “It doesn’t hurt to look,” which actually encouraged this behavior. Nice bait, Match.

Maybe he just got out of a relationship or he’s focused on work right now or is a total hermit who never leaves the house. Hell, maybe he’s gay and just wants to see what kind of women would be into him if he were straight. The point is, it’s not you. It’s him.

5. He just wants to see how many matches he can get

This is not unlike the affirmation swipers, but these dudes treat it more like a game. They might even be competing with other dickwads and the loser has to buy a case of Natty Light. But again, these are likely frat bro types who never had any designs on meeting anyone and treat every woman as just a number.

6. He didn’t mean to match (sorry)

Welllll, sometimes you swipe right and you didn’t mean to. Eep. Yes, real talk, you could’ve been a mistake. Now, I feel bad telling you this and it probably occurs only a tiny percentage of the time, so don’t go and fixate on this one reason, as we all tend to do. But it is possible.

7. He matched, then changed his mind

I’m sure you’ve done this too, right? Some days you’re in a “I love everyone!” mood and other days, not so much. Or maybe they seem incredible then you take a closer look at their profile and notice they’re a flat-earther. Or maybe one day they match then the next they decide they just don’t want to do this dating thing after all and delete the app. People change their minds. It’s okay.

8. He met someone else and wants to focus on them

Maybe he swiped right on you a while ago and by the time you finally swiped right on him he’d already met someone else. Some people want to date just one person at a time. Nothing wrong with that.

9. He’s got a lot of matches and not enough time

Okay, if he’s one of those unicorn hotties that also has a great job and loves his mom and rescues kittens, he’s probably got women clamoring all over his virtual jock. Holding 30 conversations at once ain’t easy – hell, if it’s a man, he probably has trouble keeping track of one conversation. The bottom line is if he’s in high demand, getting access might be tough. Kind of like one of those ridiculously popular Stanley tumblers that are never in stock.

10. He met with an unfortunate accident

Hey, it does happen. While this one is less likely, there is a small chance he fell off a cliff or got mauled by a bear or something. I once went on a couple of decent dates with a guy before he found out he had cancer at age 29. Needless to say, I didn’t hear from him after that. What was I going to say? “Oh, you’re too busy with oncologist appointments and chemotherapy to text me?”

***

These are just a few of the potential reasons a guy might match but not message you on a dating app. Are they valid? Some yes, some no. Regardless, the important takeaway here is to NOT worry your pretty little head over it much or even better, AT ALL.

At the end of the day the result is the same: he didn’t message you. BFD. You didn’t even know him and he could’ve been a narcissistic fuckboy or one of those cretins who take their shoes off on a plane. Keep it moving and don’t waste an iota of energy on something that was never a thing. You’ve got way better things to do with your time, like reminding yourself you are a divine goddess who deserves way better than an indiscriminate Tinder swiper.

Did you enjoy this post? If so, find more saucy opinions and scary dating stories in my ebook, Single Woman Dating, available on Amazon.