I don’t consider myself a terribly shy person – except when it comes to approaching men I find attractive. I’ll talk to anyone – in the grocery store, on the street, at the cemetery – unless it’s a man I’m really digging on. Then I’ll avert my eyes and pretend to be interested in anything but him.
Why? Simple. I am a big, fat pussy.
I truly feel for men, who are faced with the pressure of making the first move. My fear of the approach is so great that if I were a guy, I’d probably still be a virgin.
This really works against me because I live in LA, where women in general are quite aggressive. So aggressive, in fact, I think many of the men here have become lazy and just let women come to them.
Despite my fears, I’ve been trying to make some changes in my life, so Saturday night I made a sorta-kinda half-assed first move. It was a 10th grade move, mind you, but for me it was a big step.
I was at a local wine bar with a couple girlfriends, sitting at a table. I realize that parking ourselves at a table isn’t the best way to meet men, because it closes us off in our own private circle and makes it intimidating for men to initiate a conversation. But we couldn’t feasibly drink pinot noir and eat $12 grilled cheese sandwiches standing up.
“I’ve had a crush on you since we met. Couldn’t you tell, the way I was ignoring you?”
– Amanda, from Woody Allen’s “Anything Else”
I spotted a cutie across the room. He had a handsome face, olive skin and was wearing a beanie-type cap. My friends refused to get up and circulate with me (wingwoman fail), so I just stared at him. But he never glanced our way.
Soon thereafter, my friend wanted to leave. She suggested I just go over and give Beanie Boy my number, and naturally, I looked at her like she was a crackhead. Like a true pal, she wrote my number on a cocktail napkin and offered to give it to him for me. My response: “NO! NO! Don’t you dare!” Besides, Beanie Boy had received a phone call and stepped outside.
The Smooth Move
We paid the check and walked out, and Beanie Boy was still outside on the phone. When we were a safe three-quarters of a block away, I did something very daring. I turned to my friend and said, “OK… go ahead.” She ran back to give it to him while I ran the other way and hid behind a giant palm.
One of my finest adult moments, indeed.
We scurried back to the car, giggling like schoolgirls. And you know what? He texted me. We texted back and forth all day and it’s the weirdest thing ever, but it’s fun.
My next goal is to attempt a bona fide, face-to-face approach with a man. The thought of it makes me want to vomit, but I’ve been doing a lot of Big Girl things lately, and I’m not going to stop at hiding behind a plant.
Categories: True Story
Good for you! I hope it works out. I’d certainly be receptive to this approach. 😉
Good work! btw, It is heaps of fun approaching, we just have to practice a lot and get our fair share of rejection when doing so.
WOW, you are bold… I dont have it in me.
You sound like me. When I think I spotted a cutie, I will do whatever I can to ignore him and not look him in the eyes. Okay maybe I’m worse because at least you looked his direction. On my first (and very last) attempt to pick up on a guy, it turned out he had a girlfriend. WHO WAS AT THE SAME VENUE!!!
He was checking me out all night, how was I supposed to know he had a girl. You can believe that after I went up to him and started a conversation about the color of the sky (not really the topic) they were hip and hip the rest of the night. I still chuckle over that one.
Make sure you blog about your next experience. I may need to try it again. Its hard out here in these mean LA streets.
My teacher did that to me yesterday. I keep catching her looking at me. And yerterday actually got eye contact with her at the club and she had no choice but to respond. But when I went to sit next to her, she was all “I don’t care” attitude. Makes it damn hard to ask her out.
Asked her out in class and because they are not allowed to date students, she had to give me a lecture. But then hinted that I was late asking her out.
Now I’m struggling to figure out how to ask her out and not conpromise her job. And you can’t talk hints all the time, it’s damn hard.
So I was thinking of telling her that I would go to a bar/club. And later in class, unrelated, ask her if she’s going so no one could potentially catch the conversation stream.
Would that work on you girls?
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I think bars are the WORST place to try and chat up strangers (exception: if the place is deserted).
It’s all about friends of friends (and friends-of-friends-of-friends-of-friends). I don’t mean set ups, I mean group outings of the co-ed variety.
Expand your peer group! Why do you think they invented kickball leagues??
I’ve been out of the loop so when I saw your post I was like, she has a blog now? 🙂 Anyways congrats on the new blog, will have to read your other posts. I see you’re trying to get out of your comfort zone and approaching guys, that’s great. Guys like being approached too, but be careful that it doesn’t come across as too aggressive. Assertiveness is fine and there is a big difference between the two.
I agree w/ your last response, I’m glad your having fun with it! 🙂
Thanks my friend. And trust me, I’m a looooooong way from being “aggressive!” 🙂
This is a cool perspective you are showing here.
It was Beanie’s job to have noticed you if you would be a top choice for him. I cannot imagine how a man would not notice a woman in the room staring at him and not reacting. The fact that he let you get away and walk down the street means he was either not interested or he had no game. I presume the latter. He must be very, very young.
Of course it is a smart woman’s job to look a man’s way and smile. You did the right thing. You can also go up to his table saying “my girlfriend and I are doing an online cross word puzzle and we need an 11 letter word for navel” (answer: belly button). No group of men would fail to politely get into helping you with something like that.
I did that type of line last night at a restaurant where two attractive women were sitting and talking with each other. They ended up inviting me to sit and eat with them.
Another thing I really confirmed last night is how much knowledge of critical current events can get a woman to lean into a man as he speaks. I knew details of the Polish plane crash that made for more than 20 minutes of avid storytelling. It is hard to capitalize on a tragedy but, remember, more men got laid on 9-11 than any other day in history. If a tragedy happens, others will lean on those who know the most about it.
On the way down the street later, I thought I saw another attractive woman approaching with two friends in the twilight. I asked them politely where the restaurant was (where I was just at). They answered that they were going there and I could go with them. I declined by saying I only needed to know where it was. I wasn’t attracted enough to spend time getting to know more people.
The bottom line is that there is nothing to be scared about in asking directions or something fun and innocuous that doesn’t say “are you interested or not”. The women who invited me to come to the restaurant with them were not made to feel obliged to invite me just because I asked directions.
You’re right. I really don’t know why I’m so scared to talk to a cute guy, what’s the worst that could happen? Baby steps, my friend. Baby steps. Thanks for the comment!
Ok, if I haven’t told you yet I loveeee your blog/post/tweets!! This one is just plain awesome!! I’m also such a wuss when it comes to approaching guys which is so unlike me in everything & takes quite a bit of liquid courage lol. That’s why I usually keep old guys from my past around since it’s easier for me.
Once tho a group of friends & me thought it’s be cute to send a group of cute guys cookies at a diner through our waitress. They signaled over to us, but never got up to thank us or come over to us. So when it was time to leave my cousin & I chatted with them a bit. Didn’t to anywhere, but I did ask for my cookie back & it was delicious 🙂 I know kind of immature but never saw em again. So let’s man up & go after those men! Sorry so long!! -Karen (twitter friend ksr87)
Thank you, Karen! I so appreciate your kind words and support. I love stories like that, love hearing about people taking risks. Nothing bad happened, and it always makes for a great story at the very least! xx
Wow, go you!! I’m sucha wuss – I need to go out on a limb and try it sometime, but I’m skeered 😉 You are proving I should try it though!! Good job!!!
I was skeered too. But you know, my head didn’t explode or anything, so it’s all good. Need to take risks. Even if mine was pretty wimpy, it was something! Go for it, girl!
Ha, yes, it’s not as scary, and my head won’t explode. Good call. I’ll have to follow your lead 🙂
Fuck yeah! Making the first move and getting away with it totally rocks. Even though it wasn’t you who did it, it’s always a start 😀
Thanks, darlin’. That’s how I look at it.
I’m definitely no longer shy every since I started salsa dancing a few years ago. But once emotions set in, I get all fucked up.
Aww, don’t be afraid of emotions. We all got ’em. Even you men types. And we women types like to see them 🙂
BTW, to get over your shyness take some kind of couples dancing lessons. Salsa would be best cause of the popularity and the age grouping. You quickly learn to approach guys and how to interact with them.
I get approached by so many women that I have a hard time choosing. Well right now I’m chasing my teacher, but timing is all fucked up. But I think we finally got it in sync.
I am exactly the same as you, not shy, until there’s a guy I’m interested in and then I seemingly hate them (this is what I’m told, I come off as being completely and utterly disinterested).
I suspect I will remain single due to this issue…. LOL
I feel the same way. So I’m trying to change it, little by little. You can too! 🙂
Nicely done!! On a side note, I love it when a man can be described as having “olive skin.” It makes him sound so… EDIBLE.
Thanks, doll. And yes, olives are delish 🙂
Brilliant!! Effin’ genius, my dear. Are we going to have a meet-up post soon?
🙂 We’ll see, who knows?
Bravo!!! Now that you can appreciate what a man has to go through, hopefully you will be more appreciative of every encounter, even when your not attracted to the man. Welcome to the path of living as true equals.
I’ve always felt for you guys in this area. Want to tell all the ladies out there to be nice when a guy approaches you, because it ain’t easy. You can politely say you aren’t interested, but be kind.
Bravo! Meet up with him ASAP, so texting doesn’t become the extent of your adventures with Beanie Boy.
Eh, we’ll see. I’m just glad I had fun with it.