Tom’s parents are visiting for two weeks, and he wanted me to meet them. I knew I couldn’t fake an illness for that long, so I gave in and accepted that the frightful day had arrived.
I was more nervous about meeting his parents than I have been with any other guy. Believe it or not, I’m normally a fairly adept parent-charmer. My ex’s mom adored me. In fact, she still calls me, hoping one day I’ll reunite with her son.
Contrary to popular belief, there are more sides to me than the one seen here. Up here at Single Girl Blogging, I’m a brusque, foul-mouthed tart, or as some of my admirers lovingly dub me, “whore.”
However, I know when to hide the hooch and bring out the smart, sweet, loving girl next door.
But Tom’s parents were different. His father is a staunch Republican and his mother a devout Christian.
Anyone who knows me will testify that I am the complete opposite of either of those.
Now, smart sweet girl knows better than to bring up politics or religion, but Tom’s dad lives and breathes politics. According to Tom, his father wakes up in the morning, turns on Fox News and shouts at the television until bedtime. His mom goes to church every Sunday and one morning, as I was stroking Tom’s anaconda, she called to pray with him and asked God to bring him a “good Christian woman.”
So when the time came to meet them, I was shitting spaghetti squash.
Best Actress
I shunned the famed boob dress and instead selected a very tasteful frock and cardigan I normally reserve for work. Instead of thigh-high boots, I wore sensible two-inch heels. I could have easily passed for a Republican.
They took my vegetarian ass to their favorite steakhouse for dinner, and I was on my best behavior. I was not about to risk an odorless fartfest tonight.
I accepted a glass of wine so as not to seem uptight, but only drank half to make sure I wouldn’t slip up and say “cocksucker.” When Tom (a little buzzed himself) showered me with PDA, instead of grabbing his crotch, I coyly shooed him away.
Apparently my karmic debts cashed in, because I successfully kept all food and liquid out of my lap. And this time, when the waiter removed my dish, a layer of crumbs did not remain on the table representing the circumference of my plate.
I was a winning conversationalist, and thankfully, the two taboo topics never surfaced. I think I scored some major points. At the end of the night, they presented me with a calculator embossed with the family name.
I bid them farewell and headed home. Driving back, I wondered what they were saying about me.
I awoke to a text this morning. It read, “Good morning, baby. I just want to say you are one classy lady. My parents loved you. I’m such a lucky guy.”
Classy? Me?? Ohh, fuck yeah!!
I pulled it off, muthasuckas. But don’t congratulate me just yet. They’re here for another week – plenty of time to muck it all up. Nevertheless, I passed the dreaded first impression test. And for the time being, a Republican and a Christian think I am classy.
***
What is your “meet the parents” story? Did everything go as planned or is it a horror story? Spill it!
Categories: True Story
Single Girl Blogging 
Woo hoo!! Congrats!!
My eyes actually popped out of my head a bit when I read they gave you an embossed calculator with the family name. REALLY?!! These things exist?!
Yes, quite interesting. It’s like a party favor, but there was no party.
Congratulations on tricking republicans and christians! It’s a feat that many of us attempt every day, and you have shined. You win. Also, great blog – I may be hooked now 🙂
Thank you, dear! It’s not as difficult as one might think 😉
Hey, SingleGirle,
Glad you survived your first meeting with the parents! And glad I could actually find some time to procrastinate on work and catch up on your blog.
Yeah, I really don’t know what it is about the whole religion and politics thing, but when I met my girlfriend’s step-grandfather for the second time, he started asking me what I thought of Obama (and I knew he was a staunch republican)! That was a tough bullet to dodge. And as for the first time I met my girlfriend’s parents, it happened to be after a week of dating. I was terrified. And we were still keeping it casual (or so I thought!). The universe must’ve been on my side though because they are genuinely amazing people and love having me around. Plus, they’re liberals. Very thankful for that. That first meeting was pretty short, though, since we pretty much ran off to do our own thing after that. The first time I had dinner with her parents was the first time I met her grandparents. That was a week after we really made it official. Again, I was terrified. Again, things turned out alright. Won’t bore you with the details, aside from the fact that her step-grandfather tried to get me drunk on wine. And I glow really, really fast.
Anyway, sorry for that long ramble! Hope you’re doing alright with everything else in life. And read your “Lame Post” a few entries back and realize now that maybe I should’ve requested a happier topic if anything! Like why red gummy bears are better than green ones.
Thanks again for keeping up on this blog!
I am glad things turned out alright for you! I’ve been thinking about writing that post, actually. I just need to put some thought into it, and I haven’t had a lot of time to think these days. Keep checking back, I will try to write something on it soon! Thank you for reading!
Nicely done 😉
Thanks, darling. I took some acting classes a while back, and I think they helped.
I’ve never made it far enough along with a guy to get to the ‘meeting the parents’ stage…. *sigh*
Look at it as a blessing in disguise.
Ive been through meet the parents twice… The first time I threw up all over my new in-laws breakfast spread…never saw them again after that so their first impression of me was the only one *aye!* The second time I went through it with my ex-bfs parents went better, but I was so nervous I didnt really say anything. Just nod and smile…nod and smile…took awhile to get over my nerves and hold a real conversation.
Your meeting was a sharp success in my book! And I do believe it deserves a congratulations!
Well, thank you! Wow, vomit on a first meet? Honey.
Two words: Blood sausage.
Never had em before and never will again!
Oh, geez. Just reading those words made me want to vomit!
Seven more days of trying not to slip and say “cocksucker”? WOW. Good luck with that.
*Sigh* I know, blog groupie ho. Biggest challenge of my life.
We need to steal the term Teabagger back and put it back in its rightful place.
Will you help me with that?
Absolutely. You bring the Earl Grey and I’ll bring the chamomile. Let’s boil some water and teabag the night away!
Or were you talking about scrotum sucking?
Please, you are a class lady, I never doubted you for an instant 😉
As for how to manage with uber-conservative parentals, if you ever need to practice, you can always come practice with my parents. They only turn on the TV in order to watch Fox News (or maybe HGTV), and the word “liberal” is like profanity to them. In fact, they should hang out with Tom’s parents. I’ve been trying to find more friends for them to play with…
Oh, they sound like they’d be BFFs! Maybe we should schedule a play date?
Yeah I’m with MyChickenFeed…was the calculator thing a euphemism? a joke? an actual tangible calculator? I’m dying of curiousity!!
It was actual! See response below…
are you being serious? a calculator? family embossed? what – is there a lineage of accountants or something in the family? I had to re-read that sentence a few times, and I’m still not sure if I saw calculator there? I scrolled back up to check again. it does say calculator! what do they want you to do with a calculator? whats next? maybe an apron? or hand towels for the bathroom. sorry tom if you reading this…. but a calculator? im still confused. i checked again, you did say calculator!?
Hahaha! Yes, a calculator. It said “Compliments of [mom & dad’s name].” I don’t know why they have them. My first thought was “WTF?” but I graciously accepted and thanked them for the sweet gesture.
Haha – love it! I can definitely relate. I’m soon to be posting a blog about meeting my ex’s parents for the first time. I probably should not have drank a bottle of Captain 🙂 Will definitely be coming back to read more!
http://www.notcomplicated.wordpress.com
Nice. A bottle of Captain? Dude, they’d be driving me to the hospital. That would’ve been an interesting first meeting.
I’m a sassy, depraved Jewish girl who always seems to date the boys with conservative Christian parents. My current bf’s folks won’t even let us sleep in the same room when we visit. But, like you, I have them fooled — the mom is even campaigning for a proposal!
I shudder to think about what they’ll do when they find out I moonlight as a writer for Skinemax…
Oooh. Hey, what they don’t know won’t hurt ’em!
This is too funny. If it were me I’d have started the conversation about politics (but I love politics, and I’m a conservative), I don’t know why people are so afraid to discuss their views. They don’t have to be the same, people are different. Some are uptight about it though, I guess, and I’m assuming Tom’s family probably is. Even if I were a Liberal (or Democrat in the US) I would still have talked about it. I love to stir the pot!
Girl, Tom kept telling me how his father HATES liberals and bitches about them all the time. Tom warned me that he’d basically make my life miserable if I revealed my politics and that didn’t sound like fun to me. I wasn’t about to be all, “Hi! I’m your son’s new girlfriend – so why can’t gays get married in your state?”
I’m passionate about my beliefs, but arguing about politics isn’t my idea of a good time, particularly with a new guy’s parents who I’m trying to impress.
There are two types of people – those who enjoy debating politics and those who don’t. My ex loooved it. I don’t. I feel like I’m banging my head against a wall, and I personally get too emotional.
My view is you can believe what you want and I’ll believe what I want. I’d love it if I could change your mind, but I probably won’t, so let’s just accept it and we can all still get along.
Intrigue–
Denny does as well as he can with his meager intellect and education, but there is a fast-emerging segment/offshoot of the R party that simply cannot engage in reasoned discussion on real issues. Tom’s parents very well could fit that bill.
If you are a traditional R, what you’re seeing happen, most recently in last week’s Senate primary in the northeast, has to be making you furious and a little frightened about the direction of your party.
To be fair, the Ds are far from blameless these days. But they appeal less to the base impulses of human nature to get their support than do the recent tidal wave of Fembot Teabaggers taking over a once proud party.