Lately, I have stumbled upon a number of blog posts discussing bad online dating profiles. Some cover biggest turn-offs while others re-post the offending profile and call out everything that’s wrong with it.
I wholeheartedly understand the frustration and often come across barf-inducing profiles that leave me thinking, sweet Jesus, who wrote this blather, Spencer Pratt? Next! Next! Next!
But I thought I’d try something different here and post what I consider to be a good online dating profile. Accentuate the positive, yes?
I happened upon the profile below and it really stood out to me:
Iamnotadick [not actual username]: “I put the seat down.”
Hello, my name is Jonathan and yes, I admit it, I pretty much just look at your pictures. Do you actually read these? =P
I came from a very small sperm. And, there was this ovum that came from my mom, but I’m pretty sure that I was mostly the sperm part. Later on in my life an ex-girlfriend would say, “100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?”
I grew up a poor white child in the west San Fernando Valley and I’ll never turn back…because I’m afraid I’ll turn to salt.
I’m a fun and honest guy and I have an awesome job in television. In person I’m pretty shy when it comes to women…so that’s why I’m hiding behind this computer. And, my skin sparkles like diamonds in direct sunlight.
I’m pretty ambitious…I’m attending private pilot school and this coming summer I’m going to learn how to scuba dive so I can go get you a lobster dinner whenever you want.
Also, I am not a total fat ass. I try to exercise everyday for 30 minutes on my stationary bike. And, I usually eat fairly healthy.
Anyway, good luck to you, because I can have any woman I please. But, apparently so far, I haven’t pleased any of them.
Actually, I don’t want to put too much information on here, because I can only handle one woman at a time. =P
So, If you want my body and you think I’m sexy…
Come on, sugar, let me know.
You will fan me and feed me grapes…actually it’ll probably be the other way around. =) Maybe we could do something like go shopping so I can buy you a new car. Let me know.
But, if we do have a date, or something, then we’ll tell everyone we met when I dropped an egg on your foot at the Walmart (the one on Crenshaw Blvd.).
7 Reasons Why it Worked:
- He was original. When you’re trying to find Prince Doesn’t-Make-Me-Gag online, you sort through dozens of profiles. After a while, they all start to sound the same. Everybody’s down to earth, everybody loves to laugh (duh!), everybody wants a girl who’s just as comfortable in jeans as she is in heels and a cocktail dress. In a word, meh. This guy used a little creativity and it made him memorable. (I realize the first line is questionable, but after reading the rest, I’m being optimistic and guessing he was going for facetious rather than dickwad.)
- He was funny. This may be a personal preference, but a guy who can make me giggle turns me on. I laughed out loud at the line, “I can have any woman I please. But, apparently so far, I haven’t pleased any of them.” Sense of humor is a biggie for me. Some women might think he sounds a little dorky, but I’m into that. I don’t dig dudes who take themselves too seriously. It might not be for everyone, but hey, this is my blog, muthatruckas.
- He was specific. I often encounter men who type out laundry lists of their porkworthy characteristics. For example, “I can best be described as outgoing, smart, honest, goal oriented, loyal, adventurous, easy-going, established, & with a great sense of humor.” Ho-hum. Prove it. This guy did. He said he was ambitious and described how: he’s attending pilot school and is taking scuba diving classes. The specificity also gives us something to talk about. “Pilot school? I’d love it if you’d show me your cockpit!” Or, “I’ve always wanted to scuba dive! Will you go down on… er, with me?”
- He wrote more than three sentences and less than a dissertation. If your profile is too short it gives me nothing to go on and makes it difficult to discern if we’d make a good match. If it’s too long, I’ll fall asleep. Jonathan’s “About Me” section is 252 words and actually paints a fairly solid picture of who he is. It is the perfect length, and his paragraphs were short, which made it easier to read. When it comes to profiles, size matters, gentlemen.
- He posted good, clear photos. I am not posting them here out of respect for privacy (and I don’t want to get in trouble), but he displayed three clear, close-up photos of his face and one full body shot (with clothes on, thank you). Considering my prior near-death experience with misrepresentation, I require at least two to three close-ups of the guy’s face – without sunglasses or any other accoutrement obscuring his features. Another bonus: these pics were shot by a person other than himself and in a location other than the bathroom.
- He used proper English. If you’re looking for a semi-smart chick, you best know your ass from your elbow when it comes to grammar. So do your penis a favor and memorize these 10 rules (at minimum) immediately.
- Rod Stewart callout. This was just bonus. And if you’re too young to get the reference, I don’t want to know about it.
So did I contact this prince with the prizewinning profile? Well, no. I’m sort of off dating for the moment, plus, well, he’s not my type physically. Geez, I guess that’s kind of a letdown, isn’t it? Even with a well-written profile he doesn’t cut the mustard. I guess that’s the breaks. For me, you gotta be the whole package. And maybe that’s why I’m single.
Nevertheless, if I were attracted to him physically, I’d be on him like Madonna on an underage Latino. Your profile does matter, boys. Yes, we actually read them.
What do you like to see in an online profile? Let’s keep it positive, hey? Good vibrations, peeps.
Categories: In My Most Excellent Opinion